G'day, A.J. Mahari here is codependency really so similar just like being an alcoholic or a drug addict no
it isn't and that's why i keep advocating
that what you need to heal recover from the bpd relationship breakup and
all that goes with that which is really painful and traumatizing and there's a
trauma bond involved and and you need to break the trauma bond in therapy and you need to do
inner child healing work and and people are best off doing family of origin work as well so
all these things have been talking about in other videos but the point
to this video is to simply say that for some people with codependency they have
more they can have a love addiction you could have other kinds of addictions right but not everybody
and not not just because of codependency so if you're somebody with codependency and
you're not an alcoholic and you're not a drug addict and you'll have a gambling problem
you just had this this codependency that you might not have heard much about before but now you're
starting to understand or maybe it's brand new to you still they've still got this little bug
in here never see it except we want to try to do a video so here's the thing is there some
natural chemical releases are there some sorry natural chemical releases in the body with
intermittent reinforcement in a trauma bond when you're at the borderline when you're falling in
love with who you think they are it's not who they are etc yeah that's true and there is an
explanation for how there's a a lot of addictive factors to this but not really so much in
it's not like the addiction of alcoholism it's not like the addiction of drug addiction because
the actual addiction is based on normal or or averagely like healthy hormones
healthy neurotransmitters and and the chemical things in your system right that go through your
brain etc so the release of dopamine dopamine soy or oxytocin versus you know cortisol stress
hormones etc the intermittent reinforcement keeps your system going back and forth back
and forth like a yo-yo and can that be somewhat addicting well yeah but not like an alcoholics
addicted alcohol or a drug addict is addicted to drugs because after a certain period of
time i don't know could it could for a lot of people could only be a month or two that actual
physical chemical soup that's been going off and like different things releasing um that stops
that stops that's not what drives the rest of your problems your issues your trauma after the bpd
relationship breakup if you do the codependent it no what drives all of that is your adverse
experience or trauma in childhood it's it's not ptsd it could be for some people i guess but
that's not really an accurate way to put it and it's not this ongoing addiction for you that's why
you keep ruminating that's why you keep obsessing no it's being driven by the connection of the
trauma bond and the looking for the intermittent reinforcement so it can feel a lot of ways painful
like you're in withdrawal but after a period of time like a month or two max probably for most
people that you might still be ruminating and you might still be obsessed but they're the chemicals
in your brain they're not releasing the way they were when you were in the active relationship
so it's not really addiction at all at that point there can be love addiction
people with codependency may some not all may have a sex addiction and this may be two really big
pieces of a puzzle but what do we know about love addiction or are codependent being in love with
being in love what do we know about sex addiction that these things aren't neurobiologically driven
in the sense of you know you got to go to a a you got to go to coda you got to go to na no
you need therapy why but you need to work out that childhood trauma because this is what's
driving the repetition compulsion cycles of externalizing everything out in codependency
and a repetition cycle is a re-enactment cycle and more to the point a re-enactment of the trauma or
adverse childhood experience however you were hurt in childhood you're reenacting that and
externalizing that out because you've been programmed and sort of quote trained unquote
to always be focused on others always worried about what they need what they think people please
never mind yourself because a parent wasn't there for you or if they were it was only at best
intermittent reinforcement so this idea of codependence anonymous i mean if that's your
thing go do it but the thing is they are the co-opted 12 steps from alcoholics anonymous
we know more about codependency now and i'm going to have a lot more coming like i said and one day
i'll be here to announce it will be a course will will be a ebook will be like a series of videos
etc that is going to explain this in a much more depth way then you're probably hearing it
i wouldn't say across the board on youtube but in most places
then i'm going to even maybe go just a little bit deeper in a way that depends you resonate with me
you'll you'll learn some more that you might not learn from someone else and i'm not saying i
i i'm the best on codepen because there's lots of people out there that do really well
you know it's a few youtubers with like you know hundreds of thousands of subscribers
and and and they have their approach to it and that's got efficacy to it but what doesn't have
efficacy or isn't going to be effective for you it's co-dependence anonymous or thinking that
this is all an addiction and you're just like an alcoholic because you know the comparisons out
there are comparing people with codependency to being like an alcoholic or a drug addict
that's not what the addiction is like the addictive factor that underlies the chemical soup
that starts to pass and settle down and then there's other things to deal with
and other things that are driving you're you're ruminating you're obsessing
how you feel what you do or don't choose to do how much you want them back and even if it's a
longing or a missing that doesn't fall necessarily doesn't missing who you thought they were doesn't
necessarily fall under the heading of an addiction because when there's a loss and people are
traumatized people grieve people have a longing for that person even though it's against your
better interest so it's not all about addiction at all not that there aren't some components but
not addiction like an alcoholic not addiction like a drug addict which i keep reiterating here
so it's really important to know that there aren't two things or four things or 12 steps
that are going to help you one action one investment in yourself therapy i'm out here
to work with you if i resonate with you not for everybody but the bottom line is therapy is your
way forward it addresses the trauma you get to the roots of codependency where did it happen in your
life what is that like what are you dealing with now because people are all kinds of situations
and you will learn in therapy at least the way that i work with people you will learn those
connectors from childhood to how you got into a relationship with a borderline or a narcissist
some form of cluster b so this idea that it's all driven like the trauma bond by the way has
some of that chemical soup addiction happening but it's also called a trauma bond or even a betrayal
bond because it's about how you were betrayed or traumatized as a child being replayed out again
now for a myriad of reasons which i'm going to be going more in depth to explain
when i get some other things ready and um so please don't listen to information or
the misinformation that codependency is just like alcoholism or drug addiction
because you know the same people that say that or write that on the internet they also say that
borderline personalities like being an alcoholic no it isn't trauma is the underpinnings of
so much of this and not addiction and then it's re it's repetition compulsion cycles and those of bp
repetition compulsion cycles and narcissists as well with npd repetition compulsion cycles
in codependence because that's trauma reenactment not addiction that's driving you so i'm not saying
there isn't some addiction like the chemical soup etc but then after a while and really a
month or two max really people tend to not be in that physical kind of driven chemical
reducing whichever neurotransmitter hormone etc is being released you're now longing for and missing
the person you thought the borderline was because that's that's a normal feeling phase of trying
to start to let go of grief of loss of missing somebody and you're missing an abuser but you're
more often than not but you're you're missing the person that you thought they were and so
make no makes mistake about it in codependency who is the person that you thought they were
why would you still be missing them even though they weren't really ever that person
because it it ties in somewhere with your family of origin your wounded inner child and which
parent in your unconscious or to your inner child did the borderline or the narcissist represent
it's not all trauma-driven you you know if you feel like coda is the answer for you go there okay
no you know but i'm just saying it really isn't i have a lot of clients that have tried that um
therapy is the way so i really hope that you'll consider that for yourself if you're not already
in therapy i have new clients coming all the time a lot of clients i'm working with i can i help
and and they get through this so the obsession and the rumination the cognitive dissonance all that
causes the pain and the suffering after these very traumatic and devastating and triggering
relationships for with people with bpd or npd for codependents because they are replicating to
your inner child and you on an unconscious level what caused your codependency in the first place
so it's not about addiction it's about trauma there are aspects of some addiction but that's
not the same as i've said many times over as being an alcoholic or a drug addict so people say
and i've used the words like uh you know like an addiction but it's not the same kind of addiction
as like an addiction to a psychiatric medication or an addiction to alcohol or whatever the case
so just know that you're missing and you're ruminating and you're obsessing is being partly
driven by the loss partly driven by you don't know how to handle yourself now you're hurt
boss people don't know who they are anymore in so much pain but the bottom line is that's not going
to continue to be driven by the hormone releases that were happening when you were actively engaged
with the borderline of the narcissist the intermittent reinforcement aspect of that
that does calm down when you're full no contact or no contact or if you're co-parenting and you're in
that kind of dilemma um then uh you'll be in low contact right so the thing is it that that's not
what's driving endless rumination for people that are still stuck in it it's not what's driving um
at the cognitive dissonance not was because what's driving that is the trauma bond and the trauma
bond isn't all to do with anything addictive necessarily it's repetition compulsion cycles
of trauma reenactment and many people when they first start working with me they go
like i had a great family and they're not aware of how they got hurt as a child and
when we go through the process and we do that work and help people do that work
then they realize that something did happen to each child it doesn't have to be a huge thing
it doesn't have to mean you had the worst parent in the world or it could mean you had a cluster b
parent could mean that you went through a lot more than you cared to think about for a long
time got stuffed way down in your unconscious mind so even though it's called a trauma bond
not an addiction bond and it's called a trauma bond for a reason and you identify with an abuser
as somebody that you think you're experiencing love with intermittently because it goes back
to childhood so i hope that was helpful but you know whether you go to co-dependence anonymous or
a 12-step group or not that's your choice but i'm just trying to tell you it's not what's going to
make the difference therapy is and so think about it for yourself but i hope that was helpful but
it's the trauma bond stress the word trauma not addiction bond it's not an addiction bond
so that's not what people are dealing with weeks months and in some cases a year or more or years
after a bp relationship breakup and time isn't going to heal this you really need to get into
therapy so if i resonate with you i'm out here to work with you and i guess i always say that
without saying and if you would like to book a session with me or more you can go to aj
mahari that's my name like it's on the channel under the video ajmahara.ca and you'll see right
there a video that explains it and where you can purchase a session etc where you can contact me
about purchasing a session so make no mistake about it this is the codependence if you're a
non-cluster b and if you're not an alcoholic or a drug addict this reality of the addiction
within codependency and what that really means is not the same thing and it doesn't last as
long as people think it does it's the trauma bond and that's not about addiction take care