THANK YOU.
♪
>> Jesse: REALLY NOTHING LIKE
THANKSGIVING.
FINANCE ABOUT FAMILY, FOOD AND
FOOTBALL.
FLY OF THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT
THINGS IN LIFE.
MY THANKSGIVING WAS GREAT,
LITTLE CONTROVERSIAL.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
THERE WAS A LITTLE TRAFFIC
GETTING OUT OF THE CITY BECAUSE
OF THE MACY’S DAY PARADE.
SO I HAD TO TAKE THE FDR DRIVE
SOUTH.
AND THAT STUPID APP. WAZE CAN’T
TRUST IT BUT I USE IT ANYWAY.
JOE BIDEN CALLED INTO THE PARADE
AND HERE IS HOW THAT WENT.
>> I THINK I SHOULD ANSWER THIS ONE.
>> HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT? I DON’T THINK I CAN HEAR YOU.
I DON’T THINK I CAN HEAR YOU.
CAN YOU HEAR ME, MR. PRESIDENT?
[INAUDIBLE]
>> HELLO?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING,
MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU THERE?
>> WE’RE HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> I WAS SO WORRIED THIS CALL
WASN’T GOING TO GO THROUGH.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jesse: THERE WERE A FEW
HICCUPS ON MY THANKSGIVING, TOO.
IN FACT, THERE WAS A SCANDAL AND
IT INVOLVED SHARING.
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH.
>> NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
>> WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU.
>> I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE
TAKE FOOD OFF OF MY PLATE, OKAY?
>> THAT YOU JUST SAID WHAT’S
MINE IS YOURS.
>> I DIDN’T MEAN.
>> ONE OF THE BEST DAYS I WAS
LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING THE
LEFTOVER LUNCH.
OPEN THE FRIDGE, TUPPERWARE
THROW IT ALL ON A PLATE AND
REHEAT OR MAKE YOURSELF A
THANKSGIVING SANDWICH.
TURKEY, STUFFING AND GRAVY THE
BREAD LIKE MAYONNAISE AND SLAP
IT TOGETHER.
I OPENED UP MY GRANDPARENT’S
FRIDGE AND STARTED PULLING OUT
ALL THE SIDES.
SIDE AFTER SIDE AFTER SIDE.
BUT I DIDN’T SEE THE TURKEY MY
UNCLE HAD TAKEN THE TURKEY HOME
WITH HIM.
MY UNCLE DIDN’T BUY THE TURKEY
HE DIDN’T COOK THE TURKEY.
HE DIDN’T EVEN PARDON THE TURKEY
BUT MY UNCLE THOUGHT IT WAS TO
COME BRING THE LEFTOVER TURKEY
HOME WITH HIM THE NEXT DAY.
NOW, I HAD TO HAVE LEFT OVER
LUNCH ON FRIDAY WITH ALL SIDES,
AND I LOVE SIDES, I HAD MAC AND
CHEESE, GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE BUT
I DIDN’T HAVE TURKEY ANSWERED
KNOWS WHAT HE DID.
AND HE KNOWS IT’S NOT OKAY.
AND HE DID A LOT OF OTHER GREAT
THINGS FOR THE FAMILY THAT DAY.
HE COOKED SOME OTHER STUFF,
BROUGHT SOME GREAT WINE, AND
WE’RE THANKFUL FOR HIM, BUT HE
SHOULD HAVE LEFT THE TURKEY.
AND BLACK FRIDAY WAS A DARK DAY
FOR ANOTHER REASON.
MY PHONE WAS BLOWING UP LIKE A
FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK.
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.
WHAT IS THIS.
ANOTHER TEXT MR. B.
BLACK FRIDAY DEAL, CYBER MONDAY
DEAL.
ENOUGH ALREADY.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BLACK
FRIDAY ANYWAY? REMEMBER PEOPLE JUST USED TO GET
REMEMBER PEOPLE JUST USED TO GET
CLASSROOMEDTRAMPLED TO DEATH FOR SCREENS?
[SHOUTING]
>> Jesse: MY PRODUCERS TOLD ME
BLACK FRIDAY WAS DEAD THIS YEAR.
NO FIGHTS, NO TRAMPLINGS.
WHY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IN AMERICA
ALREADY HAS THE HOTTEST
ELECTRONICS.
EVEN THE POOREST AMERICANS HAVE
65-INCH FLAT SCREENS.
THEY DON’T COST 2500 ANYMORE.
YOU MIGHT KNOCK OFF SOMEONE OUT
COLD OVER 50% OFF.
YOU CAN NOW GET 65-INCHERS FOR
400 BUCKS.
PLUS, YOU CAN JUST SHOP ONLINE.
WHY ENTER THE OCTAGON FOR A
DISCOUNT WHEN YOU CAN JUST CLICK
YOUR MOUSE AND GET IT SHIPPED?
AND WHAT DO YOU NEED ALL THESE
VIDEO GAMES FOR?
YOU CAN JUST DOWNLOAD THEM OVER
THE INTERNET.
THERE IS NO DRAMA ON BLACK
FRIDAY.
AND I DIDN’T GO ANYWHERE ON
BLACK FRIDAY.
I WATCHED SOCCER.
NOW, ALL WEEK I’M HEARING ABOUT
THIS BIG MATCH.
UNITED STATES VS. ENGLAND AND
I’M GETTING READY FOR IT.
I’M THINKING ABOUT IT.
THERE ARE NO OTHER SPORTS ON
FRIDAY.
AND I HEAR WE HAD TIED WALES,
WALES, GUYS, WE HAD TIED WALES.
SO I WAS LOOKING FOR A BIG WIN
OVER ENGLAND.
I SIT DOWN AND I’M WATCHING.
AND I’M WATCHING WITH SOME BIG
TIME SOCCER PEOPLE.
AND IT’S EXCITING.
WE HAD FIVE CORNER KICKS IN
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
GUESS WHAT?
WE DIDN’T EVEN GET A SHOT ON
GOAL.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
CORNER KICKS ARE ONE OF THE MOST
EXCITING THINGS IN SOCCER AND WE
DON’T GET ONE SHOT ON GOAL?
AND THE MINUTES JUST KEEP
TICKING BY AND IT’S STILL 0-0.
RIGHT WHEN THINK START GOING
EXTRA MINUTES MY TV GOES DEAD.
EMMA IS FIDDLING AROUND ON THE
APPS.
I HAVE CABLE JUST NOT ON THAT
TV.
SHE GETS IT BACK UP THANK GOD.
THE GAME IS OVER, WE TIED 0-0.
THEN I FOUND OUT THERE IS NO
PENALTY KICKS.
WHO DO YOU NOT HAVE PENALTY
KICKS IN THE WORLD CUP.
WE ARE JUST GOING TO TIE?
I GET ALL WORKED UP.
OF THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT
SOCCER TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS?
THIS IS REALLY GOOD.
WHY?
BECAUSE ENGLAND IS VERY, VERY
GOOD.
WHEN IS TYING GOOD?
SO I GOT ALL WORKED UP FOR
NOTHING.
THE PRESIDENT ISN’T EVEN
WATCHING THE GAME.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, U.S.A. TIED
WITH ENGLAND.
ANY COMMENT ON THE DRAW.
>> IS THE GAME OVER?
>> TIED.
>> WHAT’S THAT?
>> THE GAME’S OVER.
WE TIED.
IT WAS A TIE.
ZERO ALL.
>> I SPOKE TO THE TEAM.
>> YEAH?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE
RESULT, SIR?
>>
>> I WANT TO BE PATRIOTIC, I
LOVE WHEN THE COUNTRY GOES OUT
AND BEAT OTHER COUNTRIES.
I HAVE A LOT OF PRIDE IN
ATHLETE.
WE SHOULD BE BEATING ENGLAND.
330 MILLION AMERICANS.
WE CAN’T FIELD A BETTER SOCCER
TEAM.
PUT OUR TRACK STARS ON THE FIELD
AND HAVE THEM KICK THE BALL.
RIGHT?
AND THERE HAS TO BE MORE DRAMA.
AND JUST WHEN I’M ABOUT TO LOSE
INTEREST IN THIS WHOLE SOCCER
THING, DRAMA HAPPENS.
WE ARE PLAYING THE IRANIANS
TOMORROW AFTERNOON AND SOME
IRANIAN REPORTER, SOME WEEVIL
LECTURES ONE OF OUR AMERICAN
PLAYERS ON HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS
COUNTRY’S NAME AND HE PLAYS THE
RACE CARD.
>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU SAY YOU
SUPPORT THE IRANIAN PEOPLE BUT
YOU ARE PRONOUNCING OUR
COUNTRY’S NAME WRONG.
OUR COUNTRY IS NAMED IRAN NOT
IRAN.
ARE YOU OKAY TO BE REPRESENTING
A COUNTRY THAT HAS SO MUCH
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST BLACK
PEOPLE IN ITS OWN BORDERS AND WE
SAW THE BLACK LIVES MATTER
MOVEMENT OVER THE PAST FEW
YEARS.
ARE YOU OKAY TO BE REPRESENTING
THE U.S.?
>> Jesse: KNOW, THE AMERICAN
PLAYER HANDLED THE QUESTION
BEAUTIFULLY.
BUT NOW THIS GAME IS A BLOOD
MATCH.
AND IF WE TIE THE IRANIANS I
DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO.
THIS COUNTRY CANNOT TIE THE
IRANIANS, ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT
THAT REPORTER SAID.
IS THE PRESIDENT GOING TO WATCH
IT?
OR IS HE JUST GOING TO WATCH
LITTLE GIRLS THROUGH THE WINDOW?
THERE HE IS IN NANTUCKET TAKING
A STROLL WITH HUNTER, DOING A
LITTLE SHOPPING.
I WONDER IF THEY QUOTE ANY BLACK
FRIDAY DEALS IN NANTUCKET?
AND, BY THE WAY, WHAT’S CYBER
MONDAY?
YOU GET THE SAME DEALS ONLINE
THAT THEY GAVE TO YOU ON BLACK
FRIDAY.
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.