If you wanted highlights last night,
the DJT ratings machine had you covered,
'cause he was also in El Paso pushing for the wall.
Although the timing was a bit weird.
Because, you see, just before the rally started,
news broke that Congress had reached a bipartisan deal
to give Trump $1.37 billion in funding
for a border wall
or some type of barrier.
And, I mean, that is nice for Trump that he got something,
although, if you've been paying attention,
you'll realize it's actually $200 million less
than Congress was ready to give him before the shutdown.
Art of the deal.
Yeah, but Trump didn't care about all that.
He was too excited about his rally
to worry about these stupid details.
I have to tell you,
as I was walking up to the stage,
they said that...
progress is being made with this committee.
So maybe progress has been made, maybe not.
But I had a choice.
I could have stayed out there and listened,
or I could have come out to the people of El Paso and Texas.
(cheering and applause)
I chose you.
Just now. Just now!
I said, "Wait a minute.
"I got to take care of my people from Texas.
"I got to go.
I don't even want to hear about it."
(cheering and applause)
I don't want to hear 'em!
Did he just turn into Bill Cosby there?
What was that?
"I don't know, I don't know.
(a la Cosby): "I got to go.
"Grab them by the pudding pop.
Oh, oh, build the wall."
But that was a pretty insane admission, right?
President Trump is saying,
instead of getting informed
and then passing that information on to his audience,
he'd prefer to just get them riled up.
Like, that's what he wants. He's like, "They gave me--
"I was like, 'I don't need this. I want to go talk
to the people.'" Thank God Trump is president
and not my doctor. Be like,
"The nurses wanted to show me a chart of your diagnosis,
"but I didn't have time for that.
"Time to slice and dice!
I have this Freddy Krueger glove I got from the TSA."
So, the truth is Trump was just in rally mode, right?
He didn't care about the facts and the figures.
In fact, he was so excited,
because he was gonna release his remix to "Build the Wall."
Now, you really mean "Finish that wall,"
because we've built a lot of it.
-It's "Finish that wall." -(cheering)
They've built a lot of it? Wait, what?
So now we're doing "Finish the wall"?
I don't know how much actual work they're doing
on the border, but I guess, in Trump's chant world,
they're making a lot of progress. Yeah.
"Build the wall!
"Finish the wall!
Cool, we built the wall!
"Build another wall
"on top of the old wall!
Double-decker wall!"
Now, to be fair to Trump,
even though zero new miles of wall have been built
under Trump, when he says, "We've built a lot of wall,"
Trump is talking about how he's upgraded some
of the existing fencing into taller fencing.
Yeah. So he solved the problem of smugglers
who are determined to sneak drugs into America
but are too lazy to buy a somewhat taller ladder.
And, as we all know,
border security isn't just about walls, right?
And, at one point, Trump started to talk about how dogs
can also help detect drugs on the border.
But much like a dog himself,
Trump got distracted.
We have equipment now that can spot drugs.
It's incredible stuff.
By the way,
there is nothing better
than a good old-fashioned German shepherd.
-It's hard to believe, right? -(cheering)
You do love your dogs, don't you?
(cheering)
I wouldn't mind having one, honestly,
but I don't have any time.
How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?
-Would that be... -(cheering)
A lot of people say, "Oh, you should get a dog."
"Why?" "It's good politically."
I said, "Look, that's not the relationship
-I have with my people." -MAN: President Obama!
We want to have-- Yeah, Obama had a dog.
-You're right. -(laughter)
"Yeah! Obama had a dog!"
(laughing)
What?
Did that guy just scream Obama had a dog
like it's a bad thing?
That's how much Trump has persuasion
over his people at these rallies.
He managed to turn white people against dogs.
Dogs! The thing white people love more than anything.
When white people are choosing a movie,
they will refuse to watch anything where a dog dies.
They'll be like, "Marley & Me is too sad.
"Let's watch Schindler's List. Let's do that.
I don't want to see a dog dying."
And, by the way, I don't understand
why Trump doesn't like dogs.
Trump should love dogs.
They pee all over your bed, and you don't even have to pay them.
-(gasping, laughter) -I know.
Bad dog. Bad dog!
Bad dog!
Who made that joke? Who made that joke?
So last night's Trump rally was a Trump rally.
He's gonna build a wall, the wall's almost finished,
he'll build the wall out of dogs.
The one new thing we did learn is that,
in addition to words, the president seems to struggle
with numbers, too.
By the way, we, I, we--
I'm one and one--
I'm one for one. Think of it.
We're-- We had one election. We won.
Now we're gonna be two for O,
-and everything's gonna be perfect. -(cheering)
Yep, yep, yep, that's right.
Trump is one for one,
and, if he wins again,
he's gonna be two for O.
Uh, that's not how math works.
But at least now we know how Trump successfully negotiated
-$200 million for his wall.