>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
MY NEXT GUEST IS A BEST-SELLING HUMORIST, PODCASTER, AND FORMER
"DAILY SHOW" CONTRIBUTOR.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN HODGMAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: PLEASED TO HAVE YOU HERE.
I SHARED THE STAGE WITH YOU MANY TIMES.
WE WERE AT TH THE "DAILY SHOW" TOGETHER.
>> NINE YEARS.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE HAD A CHARACTER.
WHAT WAS YOUR CHARACTER?
HOW DID YOU FIND YOURS.
MINE WAS GIRALDO RIVERA MIXED WITH STONE PHILLIPS.
WHAT WAS YOURS?
>> A LONG TIME I WAS A LUNATIC ACADEMIC.
A FEW YEARS AGO, I NEEDED TO MIX IT UP.
I STARTED TO NOTICE THIS DERANGED DILETTANTE CREEP WAS
WANDERING ON TO CABLE NEWS SETS AND SPOUTING CONSPIRACY THEORIES
ABOUT OBAMA'S BIRTH, ALLOWED BECAUSE HE WAS ARGUABLY RICH.
HE WAS DONALD TRUMP.
I SAID WE NEED ONE OF THOSE FOR THE "DAILY SHOW," A RICH WHITE
JERK THAT WANDERS OPENED AND SPOUTS NONSENSE.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS LONG BEFORE HE WAS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
>> YES.
THE DERANGED MILLIONAIRE WAS BORN AS A RESPONSE TO TRUMP.
AS HE WAS GETTING MORE SERIOUS ABOUT RUNNIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDE
WAS, LIKE, THIS IS NOT FUN FOR ME ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A BOOK.
YES, I DO.
I WROTE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A BOOK, IT'S CALLED VACATIONLAND.
THE FIRST HALF IS ABOUT YOUR TIME IN RURAL MASSACHUSETTS.
>> RIGHT, I'M NOT A CREATURE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW IT TO LOOK AT ME.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD BE A GENTLEMAN FARMER IN THE 18t
18th CENTURY.
>> I'M AN ASTHMATIC NERD WHO DOESN'T BELONG IN THE COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO?
NOT WELL, TERRIFIED MOST OF THE TIME.
IN MY EARLY 30s, MY MOM AND DAD HAD A LITTLE HOUSE IN RURAL
MASSACHUSETTS AND MY MOM PASSED AWAY AND LEFT IT TO ME.
MY DAD SAID, HERE'S HOW YOU RUN THE HOUSE.
I SAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
HE SAID, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GARBAGE TO THE DUMP BECAUSE
THERE IS NO TRASH COLLECTION.
HE SAID IF YOU GO TO THE DONALD TRUMP AND THEY ASK YOU WHERE YOU
LIVE, LIE TO THEM.
HE SAID TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE STAYING WITH JACKIE BROWN IN
COAL RING.
NOW, MY FATHER IS NOT A FAN OF JACKIE BROWN, SHE WAS MY MOM'S
FRIEND WHO LIVED IN THE TOWN WHERE THE DUMP WAS.
MY DAD EXPLAINED WE WERE BREAKING THE RULES BY GOING TO
THE CURVE BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE WRONG TOWN.
>> Stephen: DID YOUR TOWN HAVE A DUMP?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEIR BARGE?
BARGE?
-- THEIR GARBAGE?
>> I STILL DON'T KNOW.
I HAD TO REHEARSE, STAY WITH JACKIE IN COAL RING.
I DON'T WANT TO BREAK THE RULES, I WANT TO FOLLOW THE RULES
PERFECTLY SO THAT EVERYONE WILL APPROVE OF ME AND LOVE ME IN THE
WORLD AND LYING TO THESE DUMPMEN SEEMED LIKE A REAL QUICK TICKET
TO DISAPPROVAL.
SO I WAS FULL OF FEAR EVERY TIME I WENT THERE AND, AFTER SEVEN
YEARS, THEY HAD NEVER ASKED.
AND THEN AFTER SEVEN YEARS SOMETHING HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED?
JACKIE BROWN DIED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING.
IT WAS VERY SAD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID THE DUMPMAN
KNOW?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM NOW.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT IS A DUMPMAN?
>> A DUMPMAN'S THE GUY WHO WORKS AT THE DUMP.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S AN OFFICIAL TITLE.
>> Stephen: SECOND HALF OF THE BOOK IS YOUR RURAL TIME IN
MAINE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO DIFFERENT RURAL TIMES?
IF YOU DON'T DO WELL IN ONE RURAL AREA, WHY ARE YOU DOUBLING
DOWN ON THE RURALITY?
>> I HAD HOARDED FIVE YEARS OF GARBAGE IN MY GARAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BOOK FOLLOWS ADVENTURES IN
RURAL MASSACHUSETTS, THE PAINFUL BEACHES OF COASTAL MAINE WHERE
MY WIFE ASSURED ME I WILL ACCEPT MY DEATH, AND THE OCEAN IS MADE
OF HATE AND WANTS TO KILL YOU.
YOU GET IN THERE AND YOUR BODY SCREAMS HYPOTHERMIA BEFORE IT
DICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE FOURTH.
A HAUNTED FOREST OF MIDDLE AGE WHICH CONNECTS THE TWO, THAT
LEADS FROM MY YOUTHS TO MY DEATH WHICH IS WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING
AND I GREW THIS HORRIBLE BEARD.
ALL MEN HAVE TO GROW FACIAL HAIR TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD, I'M
DONE.
>> Stephen: I FIND THE OLDER I GET AND THE LESS TESTOSTERONE I
PRODUCE, THE MORE I START TO LOOK LIKE AN OLDER WOMAN, AND I
WANT TO GROW A BEARD BECAUSE IT IS, AT THIS POINT, MY ONLY
SECONDARY MALE SEX CHARACTERISTIC.
>> YEAH.
IT'S A GOOD WAY TO TELL THE WORLD THAT YOU NO LONGER DESERVE
PHYSICAL AFFECTION.
>> Stephen: TRUE.
YOUR EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE IS SERVED, CHILDREN ARE OUT THERE,
GOODBYE FOREVER.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A PODCAST CALLED JUDGE JOHN HODGMAN WHERE
YOU RENDER JUDGMENTS ON DOMESTIC SQUABBLES.
WHAT'S THE CURRENT ONE.
>> IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: NO.
IT IS MEAT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD.
>> WANT ME TO EXPLAIN IT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE AND A CHALKBOARD.
>> Stephen: 15 SECONDS.
HOT DOG IS A SANDWICH, PREMISE.
DISPROVE IT?
CAN WE FIND A FALSIFYING CONSEQUENCE.
YES.
WHAT DOES A HOT DOG HAVE NOT EVERY SANDWICH HAS.
WHALE YOU DO WITH A HOAGIE OR GRINDER YOU WOULD NEVER DO WITH
A HOT DOG.
YOU NEVER CUT IT IN HALF.
>> Stephen: IT'S A HAMBURGER SANDWICH.
>> A HAMBURGER.
>> Stephen: A HAMBURGER IS NOT A SANDWICH.
>> YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT?
>> YOU DO AND HERE'S WHY.
>> Stephen: WHY IS THE HOT DOG THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE
RULE.
>> NO, IT'S THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE EXCEPTION.
( LAUGHTER ) IF A HOT DOG BUSH IS A TACO A
SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: NO.
OF COURSE NOT, THAT WOULD BE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, SANDWICH
RACISM.
BUT YOU -- >> Stephen: IT'S NOT SANDWICH
ANYMORE THAN A SCHMOR IS A SANDWICH.
I SAID MEAT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BRED.
>> WHERE'S YOUR LOGIC NOW?
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT A SUBWAY?
WHAT ABOUT A SUB?
IS A SUB A SANDWICH?
A SUBWAY SANDWICH, SIT A SANDWICH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IT'S A HINGED LOAF.
>> DO YOU CUT IT IN HALF?
>> Stephen: NO.
SURE YOU DO.
>> Stephen: I DON'T.
WHAT DO YOU SAY OF SIX INCHES IS?
>> Stephen: I WILL SAY ANYTHING TO WIN THIS ARGUMENT.
>> LET ME TELL YOU, IF YOU SAY A HOT DOG IS A SANDWICH,
EVERYTHING IS A SANDWICH BECAUSE AFTER ALL WHAT ARE WE IF NOT
MEAT WRAPPED IN FIBERS?
>> Stephen: I WOULD BE HONORED TO BE A SANDWICH.
I IDENTIFY WITH A SANDWICH COMMUNITY.
>> THEN YOU ARE A SANDWICH AND ALL MY CLOTHING IS MADE OF
BREAD.
>> Stephen: JOHN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> STEPHEN: THE BOOK IS "VACATIONLAND."
JOHN HODGMAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!