- Hey, are you sure you can get me off?
(chuckling)
No, it's just that, I um, I left quite
a bit of evidence at the scene
and it sounds like they've found it all.
- Relax kid, evidence, schmevidence.
I'll get you out of here in no time.
You just let me do the talking, okay?
- All rise for Her Honor the Queen's Judge.
- All right everyone take a seat,
I'm sure we all know why we're here.
Right, let's begin with opening statements, shall we?
- Check this out.
Your Honor, this case is a farce.
Yes, I know, my client made mistakes.
But who among us hasn't?
Are mistakes illegal now, hmm?
I mean maybe we should all go to jail.
Your Honor, I move that you declare this case a mistrial
and dismiss it immediately for the one true
undeniable fact that neither myself,
nor my client speaks a word of English.
Case closed.
- Are you serious?
- Que?
- Oh, I'm going to jail.
- You don't speak any English at all?
(soft groaning)
- Okay Council, what language do you speak?
- Greek. - Greek?
- All right, we'll get a translator in.
Registrar, can you organize a translator?
- Ancient Greek.
You speak ancient Greek,
a language that hasn't been spoken for over 1500 years?
- Yessus.
- So just to be clear,
you don't understand anything
that I am saying to you right now?
Council, with all due respect, you were in here last week
arguing a case and you spoke perfectly good English then.
Oh, it wasn't you, you're telling me it wasn't you?
All right, so who was it then?
Sounds like?
(yelling)
- Hooray, yay.
Fat, food.
(groaning) (heavy breathing)
- Baby, you're having a baby.
(wailing in pain) (popping)
- Ah! (popping)
- So you're having two babies, ah, twin, twin.
You're saying it was your identical twin.
(exhales heavily)
- So, you have an identical twin
with the same name as you and the same job as you,
who speaks fluent English despite the fact
that somehow you and your client only speak ancient Greek?
- Opa! (glass shattering)
- I'm sorry, I've had enough of this.
You know what?
Did you do the crime?
- No.
- Do you promise?
- Okay.
- Oh, whatever, not guilty.
(gavel cracks)
- And that's what I call justice, baby!
(cheerful Greek music)
- Courts!
They're not really like that.
New Zealand judges don't even use these.
So what's it really like?
Who knows?
I do and I'll tell you in a second.
♪ The Citizen's Handbook ♪
♪ Hmmmmm ♪
In Te Ao Māori,
the community comes first.
Your Whānau, your Hapū, your Iwi.
Disputes aren't between two individual people.
Your whole community is affected.
Before the Brits arrived,
conflict resolution took place on the marae.
Everybody got to say their piece
and Rangatira would feel out the consensus
and let everyone know what the next move would be.
Utu, meant that actions required reciprocity.
Which could take lots of different forms.
For example, Muru, where you'd take someone's stuff
to balance things out.
But then the Brits arrived.
And they refused to follow local law and customs.
Instead, they brought their own
dispute resolution system from home.
Now,
it was everyone for themselves.
In fact, the British hated communities so much,
that community service literally became a punishment
they made criminals do.
Now instead of taking place on a marae
with the whole community,
disputes are resolved in a court
under the authority of Her Majesty the Queen.
(gavel taps)
Because who could have a more pragmatic approach
to justice than someone who grew up in a Palace,
being told their bloodline is superior?
So, here's what you might need to know
if you're going to court.
First of all, if you can possibly help it, don't.
Court is expensive.
Lawyers are expensive too
and they speak a language you basically need subtitles for.
- A coroner's report, affidavit, enduring power of attorney,
a power of attorney, settling the estate, unconscionable.
- If you have a dispute with someone,
try really hard to sort it out
by having a good chat and shaking hands at the end.
But if you've got a dispute with someone
who can't be reasoned with,
go to a Community Law Center.
The lawyers there will give you all the info you need
and help you figure out your options.
The Community lawyers might suggest you go to a tribunal.
If courts are Michelin starred
fine dining restaurants, tribunals are takeaways.
There are heaps of them, they are super cheap,
and they do what they say on the packet.
There's the Tenancy Tribunal for tenancy disputes,
the Copyright Tribunal for copyright disputes,
and then there's the Disputes Tribunal for dispute disputes.
The best part is for some of them,
you're not even allowed a lawyer,
which is a great little rule
because you probably can't afford one,
but your landlord probably can.
But, I hear you say, what if you're rich?
Well, first of all, thanks for taking some time away
from skiing the Swiss Alps to watch my web series
and second of all, congratulations,
you've got so many more options than non-rich people.
For example, if you want to
you can spend a very large amount of money
to get in front of a judge.
And if going to court sounds like something you're into,
then here's what you can expect
from your little trip through the legal system.
Okay, so, in court,
you and the other rich person you're arguing with
are both being represented by very expensive lawyers.
Now because neither of you is being accused of a crime,
you're not in a criminal court.
This is a Civil Court.
You're also in the District Court,
which is sort of Court Level One,
beginners court, if you will.
The judge hears two lawyers argue
about whose the most right or the least wrong
and then decides whose side the law is on.
Their decision is based on the rules
made up by the politicians,
as well as decisions other judges made
in the past on similar cases.
But, what if you disagree with the decision the judge makes
and you're still so rich and your new favorite hobby
is giving lawyers money.
Well, then you can bump your case up to the High Court.
And if the doesn't give you answer you want,
and you're still rich
and really getting into your lawyer hobby,
you can complain your way up to the Court of Appeal.
And if that still doesn't do it
and you're somehow still not broke,
you can hire a whole fleet of lawyers
to take your dispute all the way to the Supreme Court.
Unless the Supreme Court chooses not to hear your case,
in which case bad luck.
That's it, you're stuck with whatever
the Court of Appeal said.
So what now?
Well, you're out of legal options.
So let's say that you take matters into your own hands.
Maybe you throw a brick through a window.
Well guess what, that was a bad idea you just had.
Now you got caught.
So now the government has a dispute with you
because you broke their rule
about not throwing bricks through windows.
Now you're out of Civil Court and into Criminal Court.
And the really bad news is
even though you used to be super rich,
you blew all of your cash on the Court of Appeal
and now you're poor
and can't afford any lawyers at all, not even one.
Well surely the government will give you
a lawyer for free, right?
We've all seen American television.
- You have a right to an attorney,
if you cannot afford an attorney
one will be provided to you.
- Well this isn't America, it's New Zealand.
And in New Zealand, it goes more like this.
- If you can't afford a lawyer
then on the first day they'll give you a duty lawyer,
but after that you'll have to apply for legal aid
and even then it's not free.
It's kind of like a loan
'cause once your trial is done,
you're gonna have to pay the government back.
- What?
- Yeah, stink buzz eh.
- Stink
- So, after hearing that
and serving your sentence for the brick thing,
you might be pissed off by the injustice
of the whole darn system.
Which brings us to another reason you might go to court.
You wanna get in front of a judge
and tell on the government.
Well first off, your best bet
would be to go to the Ombudsman,
who is kinda like the government's complaint department.
But if you're part of a big fancy organization
who can afford lots of lawyers,
then you might drag the government to court
and call them out in front of everyone.
If you're right, the judge might shout things
at the government, like,
"Oi,
you are not following the principles of the treaty"
and,
"hey, that is against the Bill of Rights,
do not do that"
And if a judge orders the government
to do something, they usually do it.
So that's something.
One of the main things about the law
is that is applies to everyone,
even the government, even the All Blacks, even Lorde.
So don't let them get away with stuff.
So, to recap,
court is a big fancy room
for settling disputes
and all going well
you'll never go there.
Okay, bye.
♪ The Citizen's Handbook ♪
♪ Hmmmmm ♪