LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LOOK, I'VE GOT SOME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE ACTUALLY GOT SOME GOOD
NEWS.
THE G.O.P. PLAN TO REPEAL OBAMACARE IS OFFICIALLY DEAD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT NOTHING, NO PULSE.
NO.
THEY PULLED THE PLUG.
THAT IS SOMETHING I'VE SAID THREE TIMES NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REPUBLICANS BROUGHT A NEW
ONE UP-- WHEN DID THEY BRING THIS UP, A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.
THEY KNEW THEY COULD ONLY AFFORD TO LOSE TWO VOTES.
AND RAND PAUL AND JOHN McCAIN WERE ALREADY NOs.
THEN LAST NIGHT, MAINE SENATOR AND WOMAN WITH BLAZER MADE FROM
SKINNED COOKIE MONSTER, SUSAN COLLINS SAID SHE WASN'T FALLING
FOR IT.
ONE REASON WAS THE C.B.O. SCORE, WHICH TECHNICALLY HASN'T COME
OUT, BUT THEY DID RELEASE AN ESTIMATE YESTERDAY SHOWING THAT
"THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WITH COMPREHENSIVE HEALTH INSURANCE
WOULD BE REDUCED BY MILLIONS."
YEAH, NOTHING SPECIFIC, JUST MILLIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THIS POINT, THE FOLKS AT THE
C.B.O. MUST BE SO TIRED OF ANALYZING HEALTHCARE BILLS,
THEY'RE JUST FREE-BALLING IT.
"WHAT, A NEW BILL?
YEAH, LET ME RUN THE NUMBERS.
YEAH, YEAH, EVERYBODY DIES."
( LAUGHTER ) SO THAT'S IT.
IT'S OVER!
AND "THE G.O.P. IS ALREADY EYEING THE NEXT CHANCE TO REVIVE
THE OBAMACARE REPEAL."
WHAT!
ALREADY?
GRAHAM-CASSIDY ISN'T EVEN DEAD YET!
THAT'S LIKE BRINGING A DATE TO SEE YOUR WIFE IN THE HOSPITAL
( LAUGHTER ) "LOOK, HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA PULL
THROUGH.
ABSOLUTELY.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
BUT JUST IN CASE, THIS IS STACI.
SHE SPELLS IT WITH AN 'I,' THAT'S KINDA FUN.
YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE EACH OTHER."
STACI, WAIT OUTSIDE.
DON'T GO TOO FAR.
OF COURSE, WE MAY NOT NEED HEALTH CARE PRETTY SOON, BECAUSE
ONE OF OUR OLD ENEMIES IS COMING FOR US: IRAN.
AND TRUMP SOUNDED THE ALARM OVER THE WEEKEND, TWEETING, "IRAN
JUST TEST-FIRED A BALLISTIC MISSILE CAPABLE OF REACHING
ISRAEL.
THEY ARE ALSO WORKING WITH NORTH KOREA.
NOT MUCH OF AN AGREEMENT WE HAVE!"
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WE SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT IRAN'S MISSILE
TEST, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT WAS A FAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO TRUMP FELL FOR...
WHAT'S THE WORD?
>> FAKE NEWS!
>> Stephen: YOU AND HE AGREE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
IRANIAN STATE TELEVISION RELEASED THIS FOOTAGE OF A
MISSILE TEST, WHICH WAS REPORTED ON BY WESTERN MEDIA, BUT THE
VIDEOS WERE ACTUALLY SEVEN MONTHS OLD.
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!
YOU HAVE THE C.I.A., YOU NUMBNUT.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, BUT OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF
IS POPPING OFF ABOUT BALLISTIC MISSILES BECAUSE HE SAW IT ON
THE TV.
IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE WE'RE SEEING TWEETS LIKE, "JUST SAW
REPORT ON VIOLENT TALKING APES ATTACKING HUMANS AND TAKING OVER
THE FOREST.
OBAMA WAS SOFT ON MONKEY THREAT.
I WILL NOT BE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, AND-- APES NOW CAUSING
MASSIVE CAR WRECK ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.
YUGE DISASTER.
THANK GOD FOR TALKING LIZARD OFFERING CAR INSURANCE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO GOOD, LITTLE AUSTRALIAN
LIZARD.
SPEAKING OF IRAN, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS A NEW TRAVEL BAN!
THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS IS WHAT, HIS THIRD ATTEMPT?
SO, IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE HIS MARRIAGES, THIS ONE MAY STICK.
BIG MELANIA FANS HERE.
THIS NEW BAN HAS BEEN CAREFULLY REWRITTEN AS "THE RESULT OF
MONTHS OF DELIBERATION THAT INCLUDED THE STATE DEPARTMENT,
THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, THE WHITE HOUSE, AND
OTHER AGENCIES."
AS OPPOSED TO THE FIRST BAN, WHICH WAS THE RESULT OF STEVE
BANNON RUNNING THROUGH THE WHITE HOUSE IN A TOWEL WITH AN EMPTY
BOTTLE OF NIGHT TRAIN YELLING, "THE MUSLIMS ARE COMING!
THE MUSLIMS ARE COMING!" ( LAUGHTER )
UH-HUH.
HERE'S-- ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) >> Jon: "NIGHT TRAIN."
>> Stephen: THAT'S "NIGHT TRAIN."
HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE.
IN ADDITION TO THE COUNTRIES NAMED IN THE FIRST EXECUTIVE
ORDER, THE REVISED TRAVEL BAN WAS EXPANDED TO INCLUDE PEOPLE
FROM CHAD, NORTH KOREA, VENEZUELA, AND THE GOLDEN STATE
WARRIORS.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK.
I'M PRETTY SURE.
WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYE ON GOLDEN STATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS.
BUT THOSE CHANGES ARE KEY, BECAUSE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS SAID THE ADDITION OF NORTH KOREA AND VENEZUELA
DEMONSTRATED IT WAS NOT A MUSLIM BAN.
ADDING NEW COUNTRIES DOESN'T MAKE IT LESS BAD.
YOU CAN'T JUST CLAIM, "HEY, IT'S NOT A HATE CRIME BECAUSE I ALSO
THREW A BRICK INTO THE BUILDING NEXT TO THE MOSQUE."
WHAT, DO I HATE DRY CLEANERS NOW?
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
SIR, YOU CAN'T JUST PAD THIS OUT WITH OTHER COUNTRIES AND EXPECT
US NOT TO NOTICE IT'S A MUSLIM BAN.
THAT'S LIKE WHEN YOU THROW A BUNCH OF CLIF BARS IN YOUR
BASKET WHEN YOU'RE BUYING DIRTY MAGAZINES.
WE KNOW WHAT YOU NEED THAT ENERGY FOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY?