KICKING OFF A BIG WEEK.
HOW WAS THE WEEKEND, REG, DID YOU REST UP.
>> Reggie: NO, NO, HE IS COOL, MAN, HE JUST BOUGHT A NEW PLACE
IN BEVERLY HILLS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SO.
>> James: SORRY, I DONE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
I WAS SAYING DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.
DID YOU REST UP.
>> Reggie: OH, OKAY.
>> James: WHAT DID YOU.
>> >> Reggie: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
ASKING ABOUT HOW THE WEEKND WAS.
HE IS PRETTY GOOD.
HE JUST BOUGHT A NEW PLACE.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: TOOK ME A MINUTE TO GET THAT.
DID YOU GET IT STRAIGHT AWAY?
>> NOT STRAIGHT AWAY BUT A LITTLE BEFORE YOU DID.
>> James: LIKE 20 MINUTES BEFORE I DID.
YEAH, YEAH, HE DID JUST BUY A NEW HOUSE, DIDN'T HE.
>> Reggie: YEAH, A COOL $47 MILLION, YOU KNOW.
>> James: WHAT ARE YOU CHOMPING ON THERE?
>> IT'S ACTUALLY-- IT'S A VERY LARGE ALMOND.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: IS THAT JUST A LOAF OF BREAD, YOU ARE EATING A LOAF
OF BREAD NOW?
>> I'M EATING-- JUST A SECTION OF IT.
JUST A SMALL SECTION AND THEN YEAH, IN CONJUNCTION-- I FORGOT
MY MEAL SO I HAD TO IMPROVISE.
>> James: YOU LIKE TO IMPROVISE WITH A LOAF OF BREAD,
NOT EVEN LIKE-- YOU KNOW THEY MAKE SMALLER VERSIONS OF THAT, A
LITTLE ROLL.
>> I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
>> James: THAT IS THE ISSUE.
HAVE A LOOK NEXT TIME ARE YOU THERE, DON'T JUST PICK UP THE
FIRST LOAF AND GO NO ONE WILL NOTICE IF I EAT THIS DURING THE
SHOW.
YEAH.
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, KARM?
I ACTUALLY SAW, LISTEN TO, THIS I SAW IAN KARMEL ON THE WEEKEND.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT.
>> ABOUT 36 HOURS INTO A HANGOVER RIGHT NOW.
>> James: OH MY GOD.
>> YEAH.
>> James: HE WAS SO DRUNK.
THE DRUNKEST MAN I'VE EVER SEEN.
I THOUGHT-- HE TOLD ME A LITTLE GET TOGETHER, RIGHTK A SMALL
GATHERING.
>> A SMALL GATHERING.
>> James: AND A RIFED AT ABOUT 150 P.M.
>> YEAH, WERE YOU THERE, THERE WERE ABOUT TEN PEOPLE LEFT.
AT THE PARTY, THE ICE CREAM TRUCK HAD COME AND GONE.
WE HAD HAD S'MORES AND I WAS-- I WAS DRINKING FOR THE MAN THAT I
USED TO BE SWRZ THAT'S TRUE, YOU WERE.
YOU WERE DRINKING FOR BIG IAN.
AND IT WENT TO-- LITTLE IAN'S-- PRETTY QUICK.
>> THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME TAKING THE NEW BODY OUT FOR A SPIN
ALCOHOLWISE.
AND IT DOES NOT HUG THE CURBS THE WAY IT USED TO.
IT WAS PRETTY FUN.
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
>> James: I WAS VERY PLEASED NOT TO BE DRINKING.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> James: I MADE THE RIGHT CALL.
>> IT WAS THE RIGHT CALL.
DO YOU THINK WOULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN DRUNK HAD YOU NOT-- .
>> James: WHEN ARE YOU ON THAT MOOD THERE IS NO WAY I CAN'T GET
ON THAT FREIGHT TRAIN, NO WAY.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IT'S MONDAY.
>> James: WELL, IT'S THAT TIME.
IT'S TIME FOR...
THE NEWS.
DUE TO SPIKING COVID RATES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, THE
EUROPEAN UNION MADE A RECOMMENDATION TODAY, TO
REINSTATE TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS ON AMERICAN TOURISTS.
BUT PARIS, TEXAS?
STILL TOTALLY OPEN.
THEY'RE WORRIED US CITIZENS COULD SPREAD COVID.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LEAN IN REALLY CLOSE AND SAY EXTRA LOUD,
WHICH, WAY, TO, THE, EIFFEL, TOWER?
BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
IF YOU'RE AN AMERICAN LOOKING FOR A LITTLE OLD-WORLD EUROPEAN
CHARM, YOU FOUND IT, BABY.
I'M RIGHT HERE, EVERY NIGHT ON CBS.
AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS?
ACCORDING TO NEWLY RELEASED EMAILS, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DOG
MAJOR WAS MUCH MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN THE WHITE HOUSE PREVIOUSLY
ACKNOWLEDGED.
AT ONE POINT IN THE SPRING, MAJOR BIT SECRET SERVICE MEMBERS
EIGHT DAYS IN A ROW.
THE STRANGEST PART?
AFTER EACH BITE, MAJOR KEPT YELLING "STOP THE STEAL!"
THE REPORT SAID MAJOR IS, "NOT ALWAYS PREDICTABLE."
WHICH IS A WEIRD THING TO SAY ABOUT A DOG WHO JUST BIT SOMEONE
EIGHT DAYS IN A ROW.
SOUNDS EXTREMELY PREDICTABLE.
I HAVE TO ASK, WAS IT THE SAME SECRET SERVICE AGENT?
BECAUSE BY DAY THREE, IT REALLY BECOMES MORE OF A "FOOL ME ONCE"
SITUATION.
AND THE EMAILS REGARDING THE INCIDENTS FEATURED ONE
UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY BACK AND FORTH EXCHANGE BETWEEN AGENTS.
AFTER HEARING ABOUT A DOG BITE, ONE AGENT ASKED,
WAS IT MAJOR?
THE OTHER SAID, MINOR.
DID BREAK THE SKIN.
THE FIRST AGENT CLARIFIED THAT HE WAS ASKING IF IT WAS THE DOG,
SO THE SECOND THEN RESPONDED DOG: MAJOR.
INJURY: MINOR.
I'M SLIGHTLY DISTURBED THAT THE SECRET SERVICE COMMUNICATES THE
SAME WAY WE DO, JUST SENDING MEDIOCRE JOKES BACK AND FORTH ON
MICROSOFT OUTLOOK.
A BILT LIKE THE WAY TIM YOUNG REPLIES ALL TO EVERY WORK EMAILS
HE'S EVER SENT.
(APPLAUSE) WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
>> I LOVE YOU GUYS, REALLY.
AND OCCASIONALLY I WANT TO REPLY AND LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT I AM
THERE.
>> James: BUT YOUR, MAIL SAY THINGS LIKE THANKS DIANA.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> James: THERE IS TO BIT THAT WE CAN EVER FEEL LIKE OH, NICE
THAT TIM TRILLION RESPECTS ALL OF US.
>> YOU HAVE TO RAID BETWEEN THE LINES.
>> James: YOU REALLY HAVE TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES OF AN
EMAIL THAT SAYS THANKS DIANA.
DOES THIS ANNOY YOU, TIM'S WORK EMAIL REASONS NO WAY.
THE MORE TIM EMAIL TIM YOUNG IN MY LIFE THE BETTER, I LOVE A
TIM YOUNG REPLY ALL.
>> YEAH, I WILL DO THAT MORE.
>> COULD WRITE MORE, I COULD MAKE THEM LONGER.
MORE VER BOSE, I IF YOU PREFER.
>> James: I WOULD LIKE A LONG ONE.
>> OKAY, YEAH, YOU HAVE GOT IT.
>> James: I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE YOU TO WRITE TO THE STAFF
ON THE SHOW EVERY WEEK.
TIM'S MUSINGS.
JUST YOU WITH THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WORLD AND WHAT IS HAPPENING.
>> OKAY, SORT OF A JEFF COBB KIND OF A THING.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: I GT TO TELL YOU, THAT WILL MINUTE-- THAT WILL
MEAN NOTHING TO YOU.
IT WILL MEAN NOTHING TO FUMI WHO JUST STARTED WORKING HERE.
BUT TRUST ME, THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
>> James: IN OTHER NEWS, SPACEX SUCCESSFULLY DELIVERED A
SHIPMENT TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION TODAY CONTAINING
VARIOUS ITEMS FOR EXPERIMENTS, INCLUDING A ROBOTIC ARM,
AVOCADOS, AND ANTS.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT SPACE, BUT THE ONE THING I DO KNOW:
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY ANTS.
WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN THE NEED FOR A HUMAN-SIZED ROBOTIC ARM,
THE ASTRONAUT WHO REQUESTED IT WAS LIKE, "UHH, YOU KNOW, FOR
LIKE... SPACE CHORES."
EVEN THE GIRL SCOUTS ARE INVOLVED, THEY SENT UP BRINE
SHRIMP AND PLANTS AS TEST SUBJECTS.
IMAGINE BEING UP IN SPACE AND GETTING A PACKAGE FROM THE GIRL
SCOUTS.
ALL RIGHT WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?
THIN MINTS?
SAMOAS?
OH, BRINE SHRIMP.
O COULD SEN A PACKAGE, COULDN'T WE, WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY NEED
UP THERE.
>> ASTRONAUTS HAVE ENOUGH, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO
ASTRONAUT, THEY'RE ALREADY ASTRONAUTS, I GOT TO SEND A
CANDY BAR NOW?
JUST BE GLAD-- DAVID BOWIE AND THE WEEKND ALL WROTE SONGS ABOUT
THEM, FREE DRINKS FOREVER BECAUSE THEY ARE AN ASTRONAUT,
THERE ARE NO SONGS ABOUT KM DE WRITERS.
AND ANOTHER THING-- (LAUGHTER).
>> James: WORK IT OUT, WORK IT OUT, LET'S TEST SOME STUFF FOR
THE ROAD.
>> WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE.
(LAUGHTER) >> I JUST GOT ENGAGED A FEW
MONTHS AGO, AND THE THING IS, YOU HAVE TO SPEND THAT MONEY
BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW MUCH 350CANAPES COST,
BUT WHEN YOU DO THE MATH IT IS $70,000.
>> James: IAN KARMEL, EVERYBODY!
(APPLAUSE) YOU'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK IT GOOD
TO TEST SOME STUFF OUT.
>> IAN KARMEL.COM.
>> James: >> James: AND THIS IS
INTERESTING.
DATING APPS ARE NOW TRYING TO MAKE THE ONLINE DATING
EXPERIENCE MORE ENGAGING, BY ADDING INTERACTIVE VIDEO AND
AUDIO FEATURES.
SO ZOOM.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ZOOM.
VIDEO AND AUDIO FEATURES.
SO NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUST WORRY ABOUT GETTING REJECTED FOR
YOUR LOOKS, YOU CAN ALSO BE REJECTED FOR THE WAY YOU SOUND.
BUMBLE NOW HAS A FEATURE THAT LETS USERS SET UP A VIRTUAL
TRIVIA DATE IF THEY MATCH WITH SOMEONE.
HERE'S A TRIVIA QUESTION FOR YOU: WHY?
WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?
IMAGINE BEING EYE-- DPSH LOOK AT IN PERSON, THEY SENT ME A
MESSAGE.
THEY WANT TO HAVE A THRIFIA DAY.
OKAY.
>> James: IN OTHER NEWS, KANYE WEST'S NEW ALBUM DONDA WAS
FINALLY RELEASED OVER THE WEEKEND.
BUT KANYE ISN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT.
IN AN INSTAGRAM POST JUST HOURS AFTER THE ALBUM WAS RELEASED,
KANYE WROTE, IN ALL CAPS, UNIVERSAL PUT MY ALBUM OUT
WITHOUT MY APPROVAL AND THEY BLOCKED JAIL 2 FROM BEING ON THE
ALBUM.
IN UNIVERSAL'S DEFENSE, I HAVE A FEELING KANYE DOESN'T ALWAYS
RETURN EMAILS AND TEXTS.
IT'S HARD TO BLAME UNIVERSAL FOR THINKING THE ALBUM WAS READY TO
BE RELEASED, CONSIDERING TODAY IS DAY THIRTY-SEVEN OF KANYE'S
RELEASE PARTY.
AND FINALLY, A WISCONSIN WOMAN WAITING IN LINE AT A FAST FOOD
BURGER-CHAIN DRIVE-THRU NOTICED SOMETHING ODD IN THE CAR IN
FRONT OF HER.
HERE'S THE VIDEO SHE POSTED ONLINE,
THAT'S RIGHT, A LIVE COW IN THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR.
THE DRIVER ENDED UP SEEING THE POST AND RESPONDING, EXPLAINING
THEY HAD JUST PURCHASED THE COW AT A LIVESTOCK AUCTION WHEN THEY
DECIDED TO GRAB A BURGER.
WHY GO TO THE DRIVE-THRU?
YOU'VE GOT LIKE EIGHT HUNDRED BURGERS IN THE BACK SEAT.
LOOK AT THAT, THEY HAD A COW CRAMMED INTO THEIR CAR WHEN THEY
DECIDED TO HIT THE DRIVE-THRU.
SURE.
YOU'D HATE TO HAVE TO MAKE TWO STOPS.
THAT IS A GOOD AD FOR A FULL SIZE SEDAN, ROOM FOR THE WHOLE
FAMILY PLUS AN ENTIRE COW.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CAMILA CABELLO, EVERYBODY.