IAN: MY NAME IS IAN KARMEL, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE I AM
A 6'3", 300-POUND JEWISH MAN AND MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE A WHIMSICAL
BRITISH CANDY STORE.
THIS SHOULD NOT BE IAN KARMEL.
I NAME SHOULD BE LIKE SCHLOMO PUDDING TITS.
OR IT SHOULD JUST BE HAM HOCK, ONE WORD.
JUST HAM HOCK AND MY ENTIRE COMEDY ACT WOULD BE ME SAYING
"BETTER PUT SOME BUTTER ON IT" AND THEN JUST LEAVE.
WHEN YOUR NAME IS IAN, YOU GET INVITED FOR ART WALKS.
I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO AN ART WALK.
I DON'T LIKE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO CHANGE
MY NAME THOUGH WHICH IS TOO BAD.
MY MIDDLE NAME FITS ME PERFECTLY.
MY MIDDLE NAME IS PERFECT FOR ME.
MY MIDDLE NAME IS GEORGE. LOOK AT THIS PERFECT GEORGE
STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU. GEORGE IS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO
EATS CHICKEN WINGS LIKE A HOSTAGE TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR
HANDLE WITH HIS MOUTH.
IT'S HARD LOOKING LIKE THIS WHEN YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE IN LOS ANGELES WHO I SEE EVERY DAY WHO
ARE SO BEAUTIFUL THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE THE SAME SPECIES
OF ANIMAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RYAN
GOSLING IS JUST A PERSON WHO LIVES IN LOS ANGELES.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THAT'S NOT FAIR AT ALL. I HATE THAT.
WHEN RYAN GOSLING AND I WERE BABIES, WE LOOKED THE SAME, BY
THE WAY.
I MESSED UP BAD.
I MESSED UP.
YEAH. AND LOOK, I'M FINE WITH HOW I
LOOK BUT THE FACT IS I LOOK MORE LIKE A GIANT PANDA THAN I LOOK
LIKE RYAN GOSLING.
I'M HAPPY WITH HOW I LOOK.
BUT IF YOU SAW ME, RYAN GOSLING AND AN ACTUAL GIANT PANDA ALL
HANGING OUT TOGETHER, YOU WOULD BE LIKE, OH, MY GOD, RYAN
GOSLING BOUGHT TWO GIANT PANDAS.
[APPLAUSE] HE'S DOING WELL.
HE'S DOING WELL.
HE SHOULDN'T LET THAT ONE EAT SUBWAY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY EAT. I'M TRYING TO LOSE A LITTLE BIT
OF WEIGHT.
I WANT TO GET DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD FAT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
RIGHT NOW I'M LIKE IOWA FAT.
I WANT TO GET HOLLYWOOD FAT SO I CAN PLAY THE FAT BEST FRIEND IN
A ROMANTIC COMEDY, RIGHT? >> I DON'T WANT TO BE THE LEAD
BUT I WANT TO BE LIKE THE FAT BEST FRIEND.
WE'RING A POWDER WEARING A TUXEDO.
YOU DID IT BRANDON. YOU WON HER BACK IN A TWIRL!
I'M TRYING TO GET DOWN THERE. IT'S HARD.
WHEN YOU LIVE IN L.A. WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IS GO
HIKING IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE
NEWS FOR ME BECAUSE I HATE THE OUTDOORS.
I HATE THE OUTDOORS.
I'M NOT GOOD AT THE OUTDOORS AND I HATE THE OUTDOORS.
LIKE IF YOU TOLD ME I HAD 20 TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE AND IF I DIDN'T
YOU -- WERE TRYING TO MURDER ME.
I WOULD HAVE A GREAT 24 HOURS.
THERE'S PIZZA ON THE PARTY BUS. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE
WATER PARK. YOU CAN MURDER ME AT THE WATER
PARK. [APPLAUSE]
I JUST REALLY HATE THE OUTDOORS.
WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY 20'S, I WOULD WAKE UP AFTER A LONG NIGHT
OF DRINKING IN A PANIC. REMEMBER THAT YOU WAKE UP LIKE
OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
WHOSE BLOOD IS THIS?
WHY AM I WEARING FINGERNAIL POLISH?
NOW I'M 30 YEARS OLD. NOW I WAKE UP TO OH, MY GOD, I
HOPE I DIDN'T AGREE TO GO CAMPING LAST NIGHT.
I CAN'T HIKE. BUT I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT, I'M TRYING TO LOSE A LITTLE BIT OF WEIGHT.
I'VE GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER AND A NUTRITIONIST.
THE NUTRITIONIST I LEARNED SO MUCH.
THE FIRST THING I LEARNED IS THAT A TACO SALAD IS NOT A SALAD
AT ALL. [APPLAUSE]
NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S JUST A GIGANTIC TACO.
THAT'S ALL IT IS. AND THEN THE NEXT THING I LEARN
SD THAT AN ICE CREAM SALAD. -- IS NOT REAL.
I MADE IT UP. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS
THAT'S A THING. I'VE BEEN TO THE GYM BEFORE.
I GREW UP PLAYING FOOTBALL. I JUST ALL SAW THEM OFF IN THE
DISTANCE BEING TOO BUFF FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.
[LAUGHTER] >> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN PERSONAL
TRAINER, THEY HAVE TOO MANY MUSCLES AND SEEMS LIKE IT'S
RUINING HER LIFE. >> THEY ALL WALK LIKE THEY'RE
COVERED IN SLEEPING BEES. IT'S LIKE --
[APPLAUSE] PERSONAL TRAINERS, THEY'RE
ALWAYS VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT EVERYTHING.
IAN KARMEL, GOOD TO SEE YOU, BROTHER.
LET'S GO OVER YOUR FITNESS GOAL.
YOU WANT TO GET JACKED OR RIPPED?
>> YOU WANT TO GET CUT OR SWOLE.
JACK, RIPS, CUT OR -- YOU WANT TO GET YOLKED.
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME.
I JUST WANT TO DANCE WITH A CHIMPANZEE AT THE END OF THE
MOVIE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME J -- TIME!