(audience applauding)
- Good to see you.
- I mean, keep going.
(audience applauding) - Thank you, thank you.
Very kind.
- You made it.
- I did make it, yes.
- We made it.
- But last time we didn't quite make it, but yeah.
- And before that I was sick and you came.
I feel like we are passing ships at this show.
- Ships in the night, yeah.
Just different accidents happening at different times.
- Either I have COVID and you're covering for me
or there's a motor-
there's always an accident.
You look great though.
- This is a brand new face.
- Great job, great job. - It is.
It's unbelievable.
What happened?
I was working on a car and I got a face full of gasoline
and it caught fire.
I had been eating a flaming hot Dorito
when I bit into it. - Oh, my god.
What a commercial.
- Except I set my face on fire.
No, but it was...
Yeah, it was interesting.
All third degree burns.
It was pretty bad.
It was pretty bad. - You can't tell at all.
- No, you think there'd be a zipper here
or something, but no.
- That's what I'm saying.
- No, this is like a brand new-
only for the second time in my career
am I the new face of comedy.
I got it once in the 80s
and now I get it again.
That's a brand new ear.
- Nothing like a great encore.
So not too long after your accident,
you got back into stand-up pretty quickly, right?
- Yeah, I missed two days.
I spent eight days in the hospital
and they managed to fix this all up.
It was pretty amazing.
This Grossman Burn Center is unbelievable.
And I lost-
it's a great way to lose weight.
First you burn off the calories
and then you're going a crash diet on your motorcycle
and I dropped 20 pounds.
(Kelly laughs)
It's fantastic.
- The optimist.
- And of course, the tabloids get it all wrong.
And the facts that I have smoother skin, powdery lips,
and a tighter butt, has nothing to do-
(Kelly laughs)
has nothing to do with being in the hospital.
That part was just coincidental
- Natural.
- Exactly, exactly.
No, but it's good.
- I heard that,
is this true that President Biden reached out to you?
- He did.
I've been doing this a long time.
A lot of times you get a call
from the President of United States and it's an honor
but the way it goes is the phone,
"Hello? Is this Jay Leno?
Is this the Leno residence?"
"Yes."
"Are you prepared to take a call
from the President of the United States?"
"Yes, I am."
"Please stay on the line,"
and then they'll connect you with President Obama
or President Bush. - Yeah.
- So I'm in the hospital, phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Jay!?"
"Yeah."
"It's Joe!"
I said, "Joe?"
"Joe Biden!"
I went, "Oh, Joe Biden, President of the United States."
He goes, "Yeah."
I said, "Where are you?"
"I'm in China."
"I heard about... I just wanna send..."
I said, "Oh, I'm doing fine.
I'm very honored you call."
"Yeah, no problem."
Just hilarious.
- Just straight up called you yourself.
- Just straight to "Jay, it's Joe."
Of course, of course.
- Literally, he and his wife called my mother.
'Cause we did this thing and it was about teachers
and they called my mother.
Nobody else called.
Like you said.
Not a representative for them.
Literally my mom was like, "Hello?"
And it was them.
And it was the craziest thing I've seen.
Definitely like a man of the people.
- He really is.
I like Joe very much.
A very nice guy.
- So, wait, you must have met a lot of presidents
over your time.
Did you meet Reagan?
Did I hear that?
- Yeah, when I was just starting my career,
I got to the White House Correspondent.
That was the scariest one.
The first time I did the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Like I'm backstage and it's all political people
and some show people.
And I'm standing backstage in the wings,
and this general comes in like this.
He's got all the-
He goes, "Hey, you the comedian?
Come here, come here.
Okay, that's the President of the United States.
You understand that?
That is my commander-in-chief."
He's doing this.
"That's my commander."
I go, "yes." - He's doing that to you?
- Yeah, he goes, "You don't denigrate him.
You don't make fun of him.
He is the President of the United States.
Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
I said, "Yes, yes sir."
He's a big huffer, fine.
He leaves and I go, "Oh man, I gotta change my act here."
You know?
(audience laughs)
And then about two minutes later,
remember George Shultz, Secretary of Defense?
George Schultz comes, he's got a drink.
And he's like three sheets to the wind at this point.
He goes, "Leno, come here, come here."
"You get out there, you nail Ronnie's ass to the wall."
(Kelly laughs)
- It's totally different.
- I go, "Well, that General-"
"Screw him, he works for me."
"I'm telling you what to do."
"You make fun of that black thing on Reagan's head,
you understand?"
"You understand, I want you to nail him to the wall."
I don't know what to do now.
- [Kelly] What did you do?
- Oh, I nailed him to the wall.
(Kelly & audience applauding)
- You had an out.
They told you to.
- Yeah, I remember the opening joke was
I wanna congratulate Nancy Reagan
on being named Humanitarian of the Year.
I'm glad she beat out
that conniving little tramp Mother Teresa.
That was the joke.
But Reagan goes (imitates loud laughing).
When Reagan laughed at that, then I knew I was in.
- And they're all watching.
Does he think it's funny?
Yes, it's hilarious.
- When you do the wife, that's what they do.
They look at the President.
Oh, and then they laugh.
That's exactly what happened.
- So tell us about the new season of "You Bet Your life."
- You know, it's a lot of fun.
You get the oddest people,
'cause it's really a variation of jaywalking,
what we used do on "The Tonight Show."
- It's a game show with a comedy...
Or a comedy show with a game attached to it, you know?
But we just get strange.
Like, you have a mathematician on here today, right?
- Yes.
- I just met her, fascinating woman.
And we had this guy,
this guy says, "I'm in Mensa."
He says, "My friends are always amazed
when we go out to dinner.
I can know 50% of their bill like that."
I said, "Oh, you do that quickly?"
"Yes, I'm like a human computer."
I said, "Okay, what's 15% of 500?"
And he goes, "Okay, 10% of 500 is 50."
I go, "Okay, hold it right there."
I'm dyslexic, that's what I do.
I said, "You should have had the answer
before I finish the question."
It just made me laugh.
Just odd people.
- They don't even realize what's coming outta their mouth.
- No, we had another woman
who was a professional pooper-scooper.
That's what she did. - What?
- But she was a professional, not your average.
(audience laughs)
She worked in New York City
and she would follow people around with their dogs.
But she was a professional pooper-scooper.
I said, well, that must be a fascinating job.
Just odd, different kind of people like that.
- I didn't even know that was a job.
I thought it was your job if you owned the dog.
- I don't really think it's a job.
- Okay, okay.
- Is it true that when you first came to L.A.,
you would sleep in open houses?
- Well, you can't do that anymore because-
- I don't think you were supposed to do it before.
- Well, every house has an alarm system now.
But when I first came to L.A.,
first thing I did was buy a car.
It's either a car or a place to live.
Well, you need a car, you're in L.A.
So I would just sleep in my car.
And when I would go to open houses,
that are open Sunday from noon to four.
So I'd get there at 3:30.
Look around the house.
Okay, "Thank you, realtor, thank you."
I'd slam the front door, then I'd go hide in the closet.
I'd stand there and then by half hour later,
I'd hear the realtor lock up.
And I would live in the house for three or four days.
- That's crazy.
- And I never broke anything.
I always made the bed.
And I did that a bunch of times.
And then I was staying at a beautiful house
on Coldwater Canyon where I later found out
was owned by one of the Beach Boys.
So I'm sleeping, I hear the realtor,
"Now in here, here's a lovely room."
(imitates child screaming)
This little nine-year-old girl goes,
"Mommy, there's a man in the bed."
"Oh, my God!"
And I go, "Oh, sorry."
Realtor goes, "What are you doing here?"
Realtor starts screaming.
"Sorry, excuse me."
"Let me get outta here, please."
- [Kelly] Oh, my god.
- But actually it was a great place-
You saved a fortune in rent
and you lived in-
(audience & Kelly laugh)
and I lived in beautiful homes.
- I think it's called squatting.
- Yeah, no, it was great.
Yeah, you could say that.
- Yeah, I think you do say that.
(laughs)
I had to live in my car for a few days when I lived here
because my place burned down.
That's uncomfortable.
- It is, it is.
- Yeah, even in the recline position.
- But see I had a '55 Buick, which is enormous.
- Oh. - Oh yeah.
You could seat six for dinner in this car.
- Okay, you could lay out. - Yeah.
In fact, it didn't have a radio.
It had live acts.
That's how big it was.
- Live bands.
- Live bands, yeah.
It was a big, it was a big car.