- People get uptight whenever I talk about porn.
I don't know why.
It's right there. How could you not watch porno?
It's right there. It's like right on your computer.
How could you not watch it?
Like, if two people were having sex right here
and I was telling jokes right here,
how many of you would be looking at me?
(audience laughs)
Nobody. It's right ******* there.
It's not a weird thing.
I get why people watch love stories.
I get why you'd watch a romantic comedy.
Maybe that's your fantasy.
You're like, "Someday that's gonna be me.
I'm gonna fall in love. It's gonna be beautiful."
And you wanna live through the characters. I get that.
That's not my fantasy. You know what it's my fantasy?
I'm delivering pizza to a sorority
and they can't pay for it.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I actually thought about getting breast implants
because I'm a radical militant feminist and a hypocrite,
turns out.
(audience laughs)
My neighbor, she has them, but she has them for work.
She's in porn.
(audience laughs)
And I used to look down on that stuff,
but I realize I'm just jealous
'cause nobody's ever offered me money to have sex.
Sure, like a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries,
but not cash.
(audience laughs)
That hurts.
(audience laughs)
I've seen those.
There's also like these documentaries on TV
where they'll have some woman named Juice Box
saying how great the sex industry is.
(audience laughs)
"I wasn't abused as a child.
I don't do drugs. I just love sex.
I'm just a very sexual person and we're working
in an unregulated industry that provides no legal recourse
should I be repeatedly victimized.
Kind of makes me feel hot."
(audience laughs and claps)
So I'm pretty excited. I got a new computer.
I got a new computer. That's great.
It had been a long time since I got a new computer,
like a really long time.
So it was so nice to be able to throw those punch cards away
and to have that giant room free again,
not to have to wear the white lab coat.
It's just more convenient in general.
So when I got the new computer,
'cause when you get a new computer it's daunting
'cause it's kinda like a new brain.
So I was like, "Okay, this is gonna be my rule
for the new computer.
No porn.
It's a new start for you, Leo."
And that lasted about 37 hours.
'Cause the problem is sometimes I'm alone with my computer
and I think it's too easy.
That's the problem. It's too easy, not too exaggerate,
but to lose like seven to 10 hours a day looking at porn.
At first you delude yourself.
You're like, "Oh, I'm not doing anything.
I'm just closing the blinds.
It's normal for me to turn off my cell phone
and take out the battery,
and I'll just put this flannel shirt over this chair."
Here's how you know. Here's how you know is a sidebar.
Here's how you know that you shouldn't do
whatever you're about to do.
If you ever find yourself grabbing your dog by the collar
and taking it out of the room...
(audience laughs and claps)
Holy (censored), don't do whatever it is you're about to do.
If you're like, "All right, buddy,
this will mess up the pet-owner relationship.
I know you don't have the facility for speech,
but I can't take the risk.
You might **** off a wizard one day. I don't know."
Don't do what you're allowed to do. It's too easy.
It's too easy to look at porn now 'cause of the internet.
When I was a kid, it was a huge achievement.
Just to see a naked lady was huge.
Like you had to know a guy who had an older brother
who had buried a playboy from 1968 in a milk can in a field.
You had to making appointment.
But now 'cause of the internet, anyone who's nine has seen
like 80 people all over each other, which is terrible.
And I think it's terrible.
I didn't see that till I was like in my thirties.
(audience laughs)
First I got a cell phone, then I saw that.
Just as God intended it to happen.
(audience laughs)
It is unbelievable to me, when I think about my generation,
the first time we masturbated,
we literally did not know what we were masturbating about.
Isn't that crazy? But we still did it.
We were masturbating about an idea. We were poets.
(audience laughs and claps)
- But yeah, I don't know.
I'm not bothered by porn as much anymore.
My boyfriend got me into porn, the industry,
it's been pretty lucrative.
I'm just dipping my toe in.
That's what I do. I dip my toe in girls' vaginas.
It's very niche, very niche.
We've been watching porn together a little bit
'cause we finished Friday Night Lights,
so that's what Netflix wanted for us.
And so we've been watching porn together
and he wants to watch what I wanna watch.
So he's like, "What are you into?"
And I'm like, "Well, if it were up to me,
we would watch a TMZ clip
of Zach Efron getting out of a car."
Like, that's what treats mommy right.
Like, That's fine for me.
But in terms of porn, there's been a couple videos
and I'm like, "Ah, I like that."
But I always stumble into them.
I wouldn't know how to search for it.
It's too weird that I don't even know
how to describe what I like.
He was like, "Try me. I'll find it."
'Cause apparently he's like the Edward Snowden of porn.
Like, he can just hack into it and find anything.
But he was like, "Describe it, come on, I'll find it."
I was like, "Okay.
Of the porn I've seen, the ones I like are the videos
where the girl, she isn't really quite into it at first.
She's a little bit like, 'I don't know, you know.'
But then she gets into it.
But at first she's just like a little reluctant."
And he was like, "Oh yeah, reluctant porn."
He starts typing in "reluctant."
I'm like, "What are you doing?" He's like, "Reluctant porn."
I'm like, "That's not a type." He's like, "Yeah, it is."
And it is. Oh, it is.
There's so much reluctant porn with reluctant in the titles.
I mean, it's just like, "Hot, reluctant *****."
And I'm just like, "One of those words is not
like the other porn.
That one. Where did you learn that word?
Have you been attending night school?"
Like, "What's reluctant?" It's very hot.
You should look it up.
If you don't want to, if you're a little reluctant to do so,
I do a pretty sick impression of reluctant porn.
So here we go. So this is all reluctant porn.
Ready?
"No, okay." Like that's it. That is it.
(audience laughs and claps)
Yes, slight hesitation. Full commitment.
Yes.
- I quit watching porn. I cut back.
(audience laughs)
I do the double browser system.
I do the work browser and the other.
So Safari thinks I'm a good person
but Firefox is like, "Dude, what the ****?"
Like, we don't even want to know
what I'm doing a Google Chrome.
So I find porn to be less offensive
than a lot of women's magazines.
'Cause at least porn is body positive.
There's fat and old porn. There's no fat and old Cosmo.
Every women's magazine's like,
"How to shed that last 10 pounds."
Meanwhile, porn is like, "You're perfect.
And we have a category for you right here."
(audience laughs and claps)
You're not fat in porn. You're a big, beautiful woman.
A BBW, if you will.
You're not old, you're mature.
You're not covered in semen, you're getting a facial.
(audience laughs and claps)
It's like a day at the spa.
I'm glad that joke went over because if it didn't,
this next one would be a real uphill battle.
So one time my ex asked me to finish on her face.
There's no clean way to say that.
I tried to think of something, it just doesn't work.
She asked me, she's like,
"I think we should try if you finish on my face."
And I said, "I don't think it's a good idea."
And she was like, "Please."
I'm gonna have doctored this conversation. But...
(audience laughs)
She was like, "Please."
And I was like, "All right."
I did it. And the second I did it, we both had a moment
where we were like,
"We are not these types of people at all."
(audience laughs)
I am in way over my head here. This is not good.
I felt terrible.
I got her a hot towel, some cream, some sliced cucumbers.
I gave her an actual facial. That's how bad I felt.
I played some Enya.
Remember Enya, anyone?
It's a weird feeling.
'Cause your only way of finding out you're not that type
of person is to put it into practice.
It's hardcore. I'm not that hardcore.
It's like when you're young and you're thinking
you could join a gang and they're like,
"You're not one of us."
You're like, "I feel like I could be."
They're like, "You're not one of us."
And then finally they let you in and they light someone
on fire and you're like, "You guys were right.
I'm gonna go get a smoothie. This is..."
- So I appreciated my dad's advice. He did something for me.
I decided to do something for him.
He was like, "Hey, can you fix my computer?"
And I was like, "Sure."
But I don't know how to fix his computer.
I'm just younger than him.
(audience laughs)
So I was like, "All right."
So I head on back to the computer room.
That's what he calls it, the computer room.
(audience laughs)
It's the room where the computer is, it's the computer room.
What else are you gonna call it?
(audience laughs)
It's mostly just rugs and blacklight posters and stuff.
So I go back there, fire up his computer, it turns on.
And I'm like, "Let me see if I can use his Google.
Try to figure out how to fix this computer."
You ever have one of those moments in your life where things
like slow down, it's like everything just...
And you're just on a different plane and you kind of forget
that you exist.
For just a moment, you forget where you are,
what's happening, when it is, you forget.
Just long enough to be given a tremendous gift.
This happened to me when I turned on my dad's Google.
I forgot for just long enough that I was not on my computer.
I was on my dad's computer.
And I was not using my Google, I was using my dad's Google.
I didn't have my Google search history in front of me,
I had my dad's Google search history in front of me.
And I forgot just long enough to go tearing right in there.
(audience laughs)
I just slammed that cursor into the search bar.
And my dad's search history just was presented to me,
just given to me, is the greatest gift I've ever received.
I got to see what my dad would search for
when he was given a machine that could give him
infinite possibility through all of space and time
to look up whatever he wanted, with nobody else around.
Just him and his creator just hanging out.
Just him and Google an infinite possibility.
And I was given the opportunity to see what that was.
And my dad searched for, all alone,
just him and the computer,
similar to the way I found myself currently.
My dad searched for in his Google, all alone.
He searched for boobs.
(audience laughs and claps)
Just boobs. Just boobs, man.
You know what I mean?
There's something beautifully innocent about that.
Like, part of me thinks maybe he thought
it was a calculator.
(audience laughs)
Just having fun. Like, just boobs.
And I was like, "We see eye to eye, we see boob to boob.
We see boob to boob."
I'm a boob man too. I'm the son you never had.
(audience laughs and claps)
But my favorite part, my favorite part of this,
is that his first search was boobs
and then his next immediate search was big boobs.
(audience laughs)
Which means he got some results
and he was like, "Get these out of here.
Why would you even... What does this plus button do?"
(audience laughs)
- I was raised like very religious Muslim.
We were told, this is true.
When we were little kids, we were told that staring
at a woman with a lustful gaze was the same sin
as stabbing the prophet's nephew
in the back while he's praying.
(audience laughs)
Look at a girl, stab the prophet's nephew
in the back while he's praying, equal.
So I was terrified of women, you know?
And then I saw, I was around 10, I remember.
Do you guys remember that Cindy Crawford
Diet Pepsi commercial,
where she's wearing the tight white tank top
and those hip-hugging jeans, and she's in the convertible,
her hair in the breeze.
Then she gets that and she walks over to the vending machine
and she puts in the quarter and she picks her drink.
Then she pops the tap and she puts the cylinder to her lips?
I remember thinking, "I am stabbing the ****
out of the prophet's nephew right now."
(audience laughs and claps)
At that age, though, I didn't know what sex was.
Like, I would not even know what I would do
if I was in a room alone with Cindy,
just like squeeze her mole.
That sounds awesome today, actually.
But then all that innocence disappears
when my cousin gives me a videotape.
Yeah. And I'm like, "Oh, that's what I would do to her."
It's a porn. I don't know if you guys...
And it was too early for me to see porn.
Like, my body wasn't ready.
I put it in, I washed it for 30 seconds, I pulled it out,
I had a fever for three days.
I promised God I would never watch it again.
And then a couple weeks later I got curious.
I was like, "Well, I didn't really give it a chance, did I?
What is the motivation of these characters?"
And then I put it back in
and then you couldn't ******* stop me,
which is where I still am today.
All right, here's a weird side note to that story.
We've known each other, it gets weird for a little bit.
So we're okay with that? Getting weird for a second?
All right.
(audience claps and cheers)
So it's a regular porn, beginning to end, men, women.
You know what a porn is.
But the preview before, there's a two-minute preview
for a different porn before it.
And I don't know how else to say it, but it's for a preview
for a porn where the people defecate on each other.
(audience member screams) (audience laughs)
Security, there's a monster in the room.
Other than you, everybody was very awkward.
And then you yelled
and then everybody was even more awkward.
Because like I was 10, it was too early for me to see porn,
but it was definitely way too early
for me to realize that people like her existed.
(audience laughs and claps)
My favorite part, though, is that it's a regular porn,
but that's the preview?
Like, they're like, "Do you like sex?
Well, then you might like ******** on people."
"Do you like driving a car?
Well, then maybe you wanna drown
in a submarine that's on fire."
(audience laughs)
But I saw it sorely that now I think about it,
not in like a sexual way,
but I think some synapse in my brain formed
and now it's just a reference that comes up
in my life a lot.
Like, I'll see somebody run a red light
and I'll be like, "He ran a red light."
But what do I know? Sometimes people **** on each other.
With red towels in the background.
They had red towels because they're in the bathroom.
Even though they're not using any of the facilities,
they're still in the bath."
Like, "We're still a ******* civilization.
(audience laughs)
"We're not horrific beasts."
(upbeat music)