WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S 2023, THIS IS TAX DAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T
DONE THEM YET, YOU HAVE 23 MINUTES LEFT TO TRY AND REMEMBER
YOUR TURBO TAX PASSWORD. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO
DECLARE ANY BIG TRANSACTIONS THAT MAY HAVE SLIPPED YOUR MIND,
LIKE, DID A RIGHT WING BILLIONAIRE BUY YOUR MOM'S
HOUSE? [LAUGHTER]
BE CAREFUL, OKAY. I KNOW ONE COMPANY THAT'S GOING
TO HAVE A BIG OLD TAX WRITE-OFF NEXT YEAR.
BECAUSE ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO, FOX NEWS SETTLED THEIR
DEFAMATION SUIT WITH DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, AVERTING A
TRIAL. DAMMIT!
I WANT MY TRIAL! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE ME
SIX WEEKS OF DELICIOUS CONTENT! I WANTED TO SEE RUPERT MURDOCH
PUT HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE AND BURST INTO FLAMES!
[LAUGHTER] ACCORDING TO DOMINION, THE
SETTLEMENT WAS FOR A GARGANTUAN $787.5 MILLION.
THAT'S A LOT OF DOUGH-MINION. ADMITTEDLY, RUPERT MURDOCH IS
LOSING HIS SHIRT, HERE. BUT NOBODY WANTED THAT.
I GOT SOME MORE BAD NEWS BECAUSE REPORTEDLY, FOX NEWS WILL NOT
HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON AIR THAT IT TOLD LIES ABOUT DOMINION IN
THE WAKE OF THE 2020 ELECTION. BOO!
WHAT THEY SAID. BOO, SIR!
BOO, I SAY! I GUESS IT'S SATISFYING FOR
DOMINION THAT RUPEY HAD TO FORK OVER A PILE OF CASH.
BUT THAT DOES NOTHING FOR OUR DEMOCRACY.
WHAT WE NEED IS FOX NEWS PERSONALITIES TO LOOK STRAIGHT
INTO THE CAMERA, ADMIT THEY LIED OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION, AND --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THEN HURL THEMSELVES INTO MOUNT
DOOM. FOX WAS QUICK TO RELEASE A
STATEMENT SEMIACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOMETHING KINDA SORTA MAYBE
HAPPENED. IT SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL LET OUR FRIEND JAKE TAPPER ATTEMPT TO READ IT.
SPEAK OF THE SETTLEMENT IS THE HIGHEST STANDARDS, WE ARE
HOPEFUL -- SORRY.
>> Stephen: OH, DON'T APOLOGIZE, JAKE.
IT'S HILARIOUS. SO, THEY GOTTA COUGH UP A LOT OF
CASH, AND FOX NEWS HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS A GANG OF CRETINOUS
LIARS. WHICH IS WHY YESTERDAY, THEY
TRIED TO DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL WITH THIS FULL PAGE AD IN THE
NEW YORK TIMES, BOASTING:"TRUSTED NOW.
MORE THAN EVER." REALLY?
CUZ YOU WERE JUST CAUGHT IN THE ACT.
"HONEY, I'M HO--WHAT, YOU AND RICK, YOUR YOGA INSTRUCTOR?!
I TRUST YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER, DARLING!
OOH, IS THAT DOWNWARD FACING DOG?"
OH, IT IS NOT. CLOSE THAT.
ALSO, I WANT TO POINT OUT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO TRUST THEM
IN THEIR OWN CHART IS 41%. SO, LESS THAN HALF.
KIND OF A WEIRD THING TO BRAG ABOUT.
YOU NEVER SEE A TOOTHPASTE AD BRAGGING: "4 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS
RECOMMEND. THE OTHER 6 KNOW IT'S JUST
RELABELED HEMORRHOID CREAM." RECENTLY, THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN
GREAT FOR FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND THREATENED CAT, RON DESANTIS.
HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE SINKING, AND DONORS ARE PANICKING, SO
YESTERDAY, HE DID THE ONLY THING A MAN CAN DO: BULLY A CARTOON
MOUSE. FOR MONTHS HE'S BEEN FEUDING
WITH DISNEY BECAUSE AFTER HE SIGNED THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL,
THEY PLEDGED TO STOP GIVING MONEY TO REPUBLICANS.
AND RONNY WANTS HIS CASH. SO HE REPLACED DISNEY'S BOARD
WITH HIS STOOGES ONLY TO FIND THAT THE OLD BOARD SIGNED A
LAST-MINUTE AGREEMENT WITH DISNEY THAT STRIPPED THE NEW
BOARD OF MOST POWERS BEFORE THEY COULD COULD TAKE THEIR SEATS.
DON'T YOU KNOW? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH, COME ON, RON. YOU ARE IN FLORIDA.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH DISNEY. YOU AIN'T NEMO.
THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU. DESANTIS COULDN'T TAKE CONTROL
OF DISNEYWORLD, SO NOW HE'S TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE CAN DO TO
THE LAND AROUND THE PARK: HE'S >> PEOPLE HAVE SAID, MAY BE
CREATE A PARK, MAY BE DUE MORE AMUSEMENT PARKS.
SOME SAID, MAYBE YOU NEED ANOTHER STATE PRISON.
WHO KNOWS. >> Stephen: YEAH, A STATE
PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY HE IS ABOUT TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT, AND HIS LATEST PROPOSAL IS "I'M GOING TO PUT
FLORIDA CONVICTS NEXT TO YOUR CHILDREN."
DESANTIS HAS MADE OTHER THREATS. HE'S FLOATED THE IDEA OF RAISING
TAXES ON DISNEY HOTELS AND IMPOSING TOLLS ON ROADS THAT
LEAD TO ITS THEME PARKS. OH NO, NOW GOING TO DISNEY WORLD
MIGHT BECOME EXPENSIVE. [LAUGHTER]
OH, NO. OTHER FLORIDA REPUBLICANS ARE
ALSO LINING UP TO BASH DISNEY, LIKE STATE REPRESENTATIVE
CAROLINA AMESTY WHO CLAIMED THE MAGIC KINGDOM IS
"INDOCTRINATING" CHILDREN WITH "RADICAL GENDER IDEOLOGIES."
YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH. SHE IS RIGHT.
REALLY MAKES YOU LONG FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN DISNEY ONLY
SHOWED WHOLESOME, TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS LIKE A CANDELABRA
TRYING TO BANG A FEATHER DUSTER. [LAUGHTER]
SHE'S THE MOST FLAMMABLE OBJECT IN THE CASTLE!
GET OUTTA THERE! THE CRAZIEST THING ABOUT ALL
THIS IS DISNEY WORLD IS THE LARGEST EMPLOYER IN CENTRAL
FLORIDA. YOU CAN'T ATTACK DISNEY IF
YOU'RE THE GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA. THAT'S LIKE RUNNING FOR PRIME
MINISTER OF CANADA ON THE SLOGAN "[BLEEP] MAPLE SYRUP!"
DESANTIS ISN'T JUST LOSING HIS FIGHT AGAINST DISNEY, HE'S ALSO
LOSING THE SUPPORT OF FELLOW FLORIDA REPUBLICANS, LIKE
CONGRESSMAN GREG STUBEE, SEEN HERE AS THE COVER MODEL FOR THIS
MONTH'S ANGRY BEEEEPER. STEUBE RECENTLY WENT ON
RIGHT-WING TV TO THROW HIS WEIGHT BEHIND DESANTIS'S MAIN
RIVAL. >> YEAH, ROB, I WANT TO GIVE YOU
THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK BACK -- THANK YOU TO GIVE ME THE
OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT IT ON. I'M EXCITED TO ENDORSE
DONALD TRUMP FOR 2024. HE SAID IT.
HE SAID "DONALD J. CHUMP!"
QUITE A FREUDIAN SLIP. "I'M PROUD TO ENGORGE "MY" PICK
FOR THE SINNER OF THE 2024 ERECTION: MOMMY."
[LAUGHTER] THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOUT NEW YORK
CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS. EVER SINCE HE LIED HIS WAY INTO
OFFICE ON A CLOUD OF FANCIFUL VOLLEYBALL-HOLOCAUST
MAKE-EM-UPS, SANTOS HAS FACED CALLS TO QUIT FROM FELLOW NEW
YORK REPUBLICANS AND VOTERS IN HIS DISTRICT 78% OF WHOM WANT
HIM TO RESIGN. OF COURSE, THE OTHER 22% ARE
COMEDIANS WHO PLAY HIM ON TV. [LAUGHTER]
NOT ONLY IS SANTOS NOT RESIGNING FROM HIS CURRENT TERM, HE JUST
ANNOUNCED HE'LL RUN FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024.
VERY BRAVE OF HIM TO PUSH THROUGH.
I HEARD LAST WEEK, HIS MOM DIED IN 9/11 FOR THE FOURTH TIME.
[LAUGHTER] IN ORDER TO RUN FOR REELECTION,
SANTOS IS GONNA NEED SOME MAJOR MOOLAH.
SO FAR HE ONLY HAS $25,000 ON HAND.
OF COURSE, WE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO SPEND THAT ON HIS
CAMPAIGN. HE COULD BE SAVING IT TO INVEST
IN "SPIDERMAN 2:" "HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING THE DARK OFF AND
THEN BACK ON AGAIN?" [LAUGHTER]
SANTOS IS ALSO TRYING TO JUICE UP HIS PROFILE IN CONGRESS.
YESTERDAY, HE INTRODUCED SEVEN NEW BILLS, INCLUDING ONE THAT
LIMITS VACCIE MANDATES. AND IT'S GROUNDED IN A
PEER-REVIEWED SCIENCE PUBLICATION: NICKI MINAJ'S 2021
TWEET THAT HER COUSIN'S FRIEND GOT THE VACCINE AND HIS
TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN, WHICH IS WHY GEORGE SANTOS'S ACTUAL
BILL IS ACTUALLY CALLED: THE MINAJ ACT.
[LAUGHTER] YES.
I DON'T KNOW WHY. PRESUMABLY HE DIDN'T CALL THE
BILL "SWOLLEN NADS," BECAUSE THAT'S THE ALREADY THE NAME OF
CONGRESSMAN JERRY NADLER'S WORKOUT CHANNEL.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE WOODY HARRELSON AND JUSTIN THEROUX!
WHEN WE COME BACK ITS "MEANWHILE," BABY!