I felt like one side of me was possessed by a devil.
One side of me was possessed by an angel.
It sounds like a big fairytale dream now.
When I look back at it there’s things about it I still don’t understand.
I just remember everyone telling me ‘it's all in your head
and these things aren’t real’. ‘You need to get a grip’ and stuff like that.
And actually what I needed to hear was that it's real for you.
Hi I’m Estelle and I live with Borderline Personality Disorder.
It all started when I was 16 and I was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia.
I realised that my illness wasn’t just
destroying me, but it was also destroying my family around me.
I think I’ll always remember this. We were sat down at the table,
me, my mum, my dad and my little sister. And I had a bowl of pasta in front of me.
I was literally shaking and petrified of this bowl of pasta because
pasta had become my major fear food.
And I hadn’t eaten pasta. I was off carbs completely.
I just remember sitting there staring at this bowl of pasta and seeing my little sister’s face,
and she screamed and she ran away from the table and she said I can’t do it anymore.
And I was left alone at the table.
And I thought, is this really going to be my life?
Is this really what I want to happen?
Not just to me, but my family.
And I think it was on the Monday that a bed was offered to me in this rehabilitation (place),
And I thought, you know what I’m going to take it, because this has gone too far.
And I can’t manage it myself at home anymore.
When people say to me explain what your diagnosis is, it’s quite hard to explain what’s going on in
my head, when actually I don’t understand what’s going on in my head half the time.
All I can say is that I feel emotions, so, so strongly.
A lot of people think personality disorder is
different personalities, but actually it’s the traits you show within your personality.
If I'm having a bad day, or if I’m having a manic week, I’ll be very irrational.
I’ll be very irrational with my money.
I’ll go out and spend all the money that I’ve got
in my account and wake up the next day and not remember what I spent it on.
I’m very impulsive.
If I’m standing at the train station sometimes,
I’ll get these thoughts inside my head telling me to jump in front of a train.
But it’s about training my brain to realise actually that’s just a voice.
It’s not your whole body, it’s not your personality.
And learning coping mechanisms for those voices when they do come into my head.
I think it’s really easy to keep these things in your head because you feel…
I know when I was younger I thought I was the only person going through it.
I thought I was a weirdo.
I thought all of these things that society tells you.
But actually even if you see the tiniest bit of hope at the end
of the tunnel, if you see the tiniest bit of light, just try and hold on to that.
Because actually if you hold on to hope, if you put the work in,
and if you find those coping mechanisms.
If you speak out, it could just be a conversation with a friend, there is help out there.
And you can get it if you want to.
You're not alone.
Just don’t suffer in silence.