August 2019.
It’s the month Jacob Pina and his 5-inch thumb
took the internet by storm.
I always thought 5 inches looked average,
but it looks huge here.
He can toggle a joystick,
swipe to the right,
and obliterate a regular thumb
in open field thumb combat.
Here’s a dog with a butterfly on its nose.
There’s a lot we can learn
from this big news story.
I don’t know what it is,
but yeah I’m confident there’s a lot we can learn.
Mattresses decided to go “fuck this,
we are sick of being sat on, laid on, sweated on,
sex’d on, pissed on, shat on, menstruated on
and vomited on.
We quit.
We’re gonna start a new city.
Yeah nah yeah the City of Mattresses will be a utopia
of cleanliness.
This is how ya make sound FX
for a Mortal Kombat game.
(Squeezing and crushing fruits and vegetables).
Here’s a crow getting a pat.
Or is it a rabbit?
Nah it’s a crow. Nah it’s a rabbit.
It’s a rabbit-crow crossbreed.
Very rare.
It can run super-duper fast and fly.
It can bite your ankles or peck your eyes out.
It’s highly evolved.
Ah shit, I dunno what it is.
Here’s the scene of a car crash.
Luckily, actor Danny Trejo was nearby
to help get a baby out that was trapped.
That kid will grow up and be like
“yeah, bloody Machete saved me in real life one time.
No big deal.
He’s a good bloke.”
I’m keen to see how Jonny Cash will go
in his new career as a clown.
That is just so fucken intriguing.
We got a trailer for a Breaking Bad movie.
It doesn’t show us much,
but I’ll take what I can get.
The Matrix 4?
The Matrix 4! Ok, again,
I’ll take what I can get.
Here’s a garbage man
delivering a cake to an old sheila.
This one wins the most wholesome video
of the month award.
(Singing Happy Birthday to you).
Garbage man: "Make a wish, to live to 205"
Old sheila: "Shut up!"
Technology stopped taking itself so seriously,
which is great,
technology and computers have done a lot for us,
they deserve to let their hair down, get on the piss,
and have a ripper of a dance off.
Congrats to this guy Vincent
on being the only passenger
on a plane.
This would be a dream come true.
Look at all that fucken leg room.
Sleep wherever ya like.
Crikey, sleep in the cockpit.
You don’t have to hustle to get on the plane.
This is a huge life achievement.
These cops are like “you troublemakers have to leave,
you’re too noisy.”
The troublemakers reply “what if we get the ball in
from half court.”
The cops say “alright, you can stay if you do that.”
(Celebrating).
Aw eat a bag of dicks they did it!
You gotta stick to ya word,
let ‘em disturb the peace
all night long.
Anyway, what else happened in August?
Aw yeah the Amazon rainforest wouldn’t stop burning,
a billionaire pedo jumped off the planet,
protests in Hong Kong continued,
Conor McGregor apologised
for punching a geriatric in a pub,
and a butterfly sat on a dog's nose.
Oh, I already talked about that one.
Fuck.
There’s something to learn from it.
I dunno what it is yet, but...
there’s something here.
Something deep and profound
and just fair dinkum awesome.