>> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU ARE!
GLAD TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE... WHET THE WHISTLE BECAUSE THERE'S A
LOT OF WHISTLING TO DO TONIGHT, FOLKS.
IT'S A BIG DAY IN WASHINGTON-- BIG DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA,
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
PASSED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF PLAN.
( APPLAUSE )
SOMETHING HISTORIC HAPPENED ON CAPITOL HILL, AND IT WASN'T
PUNCHING A COP AND POOPING ON THE RUG.
WOOO!
IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.
WOOO!
WITH THIS PASSAGE, THE GOVERNMENT IS ABOUT TO SEND
$1,400 STIMULUS CHECKS TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.
THERE YOU GO, BABY!
YOU'RE RICH!
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE LIKE RENT OR MEDICINE.
THERE YOU GO!
SHAKE THEM UP.
I MEAN YOUR MEDICINE, SHAKE UP YOUR MEDICINE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT UP FIRST.
I KNEW THOSE WOULD COME IN HANDY TONIGHT.
THE STIMULUS PACKAGE WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MAJOR
LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MAJOR
BIDEN'S FIRST LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT: "THE CHOMPIN' ON
THE SECRET SERVICE, SQUIRREL!
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! ACT."
AND IT'S NOT JUST CHECKS, FOLKS.
THE BILL INCLUDES ALL SORTS OF GOODIES FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS,
LIKE CONTINUED $300 WEEKLY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, A BOOSTED
CHILD TAX CREDIT, AID FOR STATES, LOCAL GOVERNMENTS AND
SCHOOLS, AND $20 IN GAP CASH FOR EVERY $100 YOU SPEND ON NEW
RELAXED-FIT JOGGERS.
NANCY PELOSI WAS LITERALLY SINGING THE BILL'S PRAISES.
>> ♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪ I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪
>> Stephen: ♪ SHE'S ABOUT TO FUND A SCHOOL
♪ AND I THINK SHE LIKES IT! ♪ WHO HAS TO CLEAN ALL THIS UP, BY
THE WAY?
NOT ME.
I'M A JOB CREATOR IS WHAT I AM!
THE $1.9 TRILLION PRICE TAG BRINGS THE TOTAL SPENT ON COVID
RELIEF TO $5.5 TRILLION DOLLARS.
BY COMPARISON, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, WORLD WAR II COST THE
U.S. GOVERNMENT ROUGHLY $4 TRILLION.
HOPEFULLY, WE'LL GET SOME GREAT CORONAVIRUS MOVIES LIKE
"INOCULATING PRIVATE RYAN," OR ONE ABOUT YOUR UNCLE WHO STILL
WEARS HIS MASK BELOW HIS NOSE, "DUMB KIRK."
THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS A LARGE NUMBER OF AMERICANS COULD
RECEIVE THEIR $1,400 STIMULUS PAYMENTS BEFORE THE END OF
MARCH.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THERE'S FINALLY GOING TO BE AN END OF MARCH!
NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS PEOPLE TO GET THE MONEY A.S.A.P,
AS PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED YESTERDAY.
>> WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO EXPEDITE OUR
PAYMENTS AND NOT DELAY THEM, WHICH IS WHY THE PRESIDENT'S
NAME WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE MEMO LINE OF THIS ROUND OF STIMULUS
CHECKS.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
NAME WON'T APPEAR ON THE MEMO.
SHOCKING!
THE PRESIDENT LOVES PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS.
WE ALL REMEMBER BIDEN UNIVERSITY, BIDEN VODKA,
BIDEN AIRLINES, AND LUXURIOUS BIDEN TOWER.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: DESPITE NOT HAVING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS,
BIDEN IS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT.
HE, DR. JILL, KAMALA HARRIS, AND FIRST SECOND MAN DOUG ARE GOING
TO PROMOTE THE PLAN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND WHITE HOUSE
OFFICIALS ARE PREPARING A SPRAWLING SALES CAMPAIGN
DESIGNED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE BENEFITS OF THE COVID RELIEF
PACKAGE.
SO GET READY TO SEE A LOT OF BILLBOARDS THAT SAY, "MONEY: YOU
LIKE IT."
BIDEN SAYS HE'S DOING THIS P.R.
PUSH BECAUSE HE LEARNED FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES.
>> MANY REMEMBER THAT IN 2009, WE EXPENDED A LOT OF POLITICAL
CAPITAL-- NANCY AND I AND OTHERS-- IN THE RECOVERY ACT.
AND THE ECONOMISTS TOLD US WE LITERALLY SAVED AMERICA FROM A
DEPRESSION.
BUT WE DIDN'T ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN WHAT WE HAD DONE.
BARACK WAS SO MODEST, HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE, AS HE SAID, A
VICTORY LAP.
I KEPT SAYING, "TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE DID."
AND HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.
I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE A VICTORY LAP."
AND WE PAID A PRICE FOR THAT, IRONICALLY, FOR THAT HUMILITY.
>> Stephen: WELL, JOE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR
IT.
I FOR ONE AM TOO HUMBLE TO KEEP TACK OF WHEN I'VE SHOWN
HUMILITY; THOUGH, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I DO HOST THE MOST
HUMBLE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT.
>> COLBERT, THE HUMBLE CHOICE!
>> Stephen: BIDEN MIGHT NOT NEED TO WORK TOO HARD TO SELL HIS
STIMULUS PLAN.
ACCORDING TO POLLS, 75% OF VOTERS SAID THEY SUPPORT THE
PACKAGE, AND BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE
IS A STEADY 57%.
OLD STEADY JOE.
HE MAY NOT BE AS EXCITING AS THE LAST GUY WE WERE WITH BUT,
YOU KNOW, HE'S GOOD WITH KIDS, IN THAT HE CARES WHETHER THEY
LIVE IN POVERTY.
THIS QUIET, UNFLASHY EFFORT TO JUST GET STUFF DONE HAS SOME IN
THE PRESS CALLING THE PRESIDENT "NO DRAMA BIDEN."
NO, PRESS, NO.
THAT IS OBAMA'S NAME.
YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO THE NEW GUY.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM JOE "THE ROCK" BIDEN, OR "AIR"
BIDEN, OR "JOEY GAGA."
PLUS, IT'S "NO DRAMA OBAMA" BECAUSE IT RHYMES, OKAY?
WHAT ABOUT "TRAIN RIDIN'" BIDEN, OR "NOT EXCIDIN'" BIDEN? OR
"CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE-DEN" BIDEN?
IT'S NOT JUST THE STIMULUS.
BIDEN IS DELIVERING ON OTHER PROMISES AS WELL.
WE ALL REMEMBER THIS: >> OUR GOAL OF 100 MILLION SHOTS
AT THE END OF MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS BUT ACHIEVABLE GOAL.
IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE LAST GUY, I THINK I PERSONALLY
DID NEARLY 100 MILLION SHOTS.
WELL, TODAY MARKS THE 50th DAY OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.
TO CELEBRATE, I GOT THE PRESIDENT A CARD.
IT SAYS, "CONGRATU-"
JOE, YOU GET THE OTHER HALF IN 50 DAYS.
EARN IT.
ANYWAY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WAS SO HOSTILE.
ANYWAY, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST 100 DAYS, AND WHEN IT
COMES TO THE VACCINE, SO FAR, AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN-- DRUM
ROLL, PLEASE-- MORE THAN 75 MILLION DOSES.
WOO!
NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T WASTE IT!
>> SORRY!
>> Stephen: IN FACT, BIDEN IS ON PACE TO HIT HIS GOAL OF 100
MILLION VACCINE DOSES AS SOON AS THE END OF NEXT WEEK.
THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?
>> IT IS CALLED PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRRELEVANT STRANGER.
AND HERE IS THE THING.
AS MUCH LEGISLATIVE MEAT AS JOE IS TOSSING ON THE GRIDDLE,
REPUBLICANS ARE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE STICKING A FORK IN HIM.
BECAUSE BIDEN ISN'T PROVING TO BE AN EASY TARGET OR ANIMATING
FIGURE FOR THE G.O.P. BASE.
TURNS OUT, SPENDING A YEAR CALLING SOMEONE SENILE AND
SLEEPY DOESN'T MAKE THEM A GOOD BOOGEYMAN.
NO ONE IS AFRAID THAT TOYKO IS GOING TO BE FLATTENED BY
OLD-ZILLA.
ONE G.O.P. SPOKESPERSON PUT IT THIS WAY: "THERE'S JUST NOT THE
ANTIPATHY TO BIDEN LIKE THERE WAS OBAMA.
HE JUST DOESN'T DRIVE CONSERVATIVE OUTRAGE."
HMMM...
I WONDER WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT OBAMA THAT ENRAGED THEIR BASE?
MAYBE THE ROYAL FAMILY KNOWS.
SO WITH NOTHING ELSE TO FIRE UP THE CROWD, THE G.O.P. IS TALKING
NONSTOP ABOUT CULTURAL ISSUES LIKE DR. SEUSS, MEGHAN MARKLE,
AND MR. POTATO HEAD-- ALSO KNOWN AS PIERS MORGAN.
THESE CULTURE WAR DISTRACTIONS WERE CALLED OUT YESTERDAY ON THE
HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND SPY FINDING
OUT LUNCH IS HERE, TIM RYAN.
DURING A DEBATE ABOUT STRENGTHENING PROTECTIONS FOR
UNIONS, RYAN SAID THIS: >> HEAVEN FORBID WE PASS
SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO HELP THE DAMN WORKERS IN THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA.
WE TALK ABOUT PENSIONS.
YOU COMPLAIN.
WE TALK ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE, YOU COMPLAIN.
WE TALK ABOUT GIVING THEM THE RIGHT TO ORGANIZE, YOU COMPLAIN.
NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT DR. SEUSS AND START WORKING WITH US ON
BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN WORKERS.
>> Stephen: ( AS RYAN ) "YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN A BOX!
YOU COMPLAIN WHILE ON FOX!
YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN THE HOUSE ABOUT A SAME-SEX SPOUSE!
YOU WILL NOT HELP WITH UNION SUPPORT!
YOU WILL NOT READ THE MUELLER REPORT!
YOU WILL NOT HELP SUPPLY THE VAX!
YOU CAN KISS MY BIG LORAX!" COULD YOU HEAR ANYTHING I WAS
SAYING?
OKAY, GOOD.
SO, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP ON THE COVID FRONT, BUT WE'RE STILL
FACING ANOTHER UNSTOPPABLE PLAGUE-- YOUTHS.
BECAUSE "SPRING BREAKERS ARE PACKING INTO FLORIDA BEACH TOWNS
DESPITE THE PANDEMIC."
NO!
NO, SPRING BREAKERS!
THE ONLY DISEASE YOU BRING BACK FROM SPRING BREAK SHOULD BE
TREATABLE AT THE LOCAL FREE CLINIC!
AS ONE SCHLITZ-FOR-BRAINS EXPLAINED, "I WAS HERE TWO YEARS
AGO AND CAME BACK TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW WITH COVID."
SOUND LOGIC.
"I WAS IN THIS BASEMENT STORING OILY RAGS TWO HOURS AGO, SO I
CAME BACK TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW WITH FIRE."
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, "DISNEY WORLD IS ALSO FULLY
BOOKED FOR SPRING BREAK," DESPITE "FLORIDA STILL AVERAGING
ABOUT 5,000 CASES A DAY.
SO IF YOU'RE HITTING DISNEY WORLD, BE SURE AND TAKE THE KIDS
TO THE COUNTRY BEAR EUL-O-GEE.
POINT IS, WE HAVE TO BEAT THIS PANDEMIC.
MOST OF US HAVE BEEN ON ZOOM EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST YEAR, AND
ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS, STARING AT YOUR COWORKERS'
FACES, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL, IS PROBABLY TRIGGERING YOUR
"FIGHT OR FLIGHT" SURVIVAL REFLEX.
I'M GUESSING MOSTLY "FIGHT," BECAUSE, REALLY, WHO WANTS TO
TAKE A FLIGHT?
ZOOM TRIGGERS CRISIS MODE DUE TO OUR PRIMATE INSTINCTS.
AS THE DESCENDANTS OF PLAINS APES, WE DON'T LIKE BEING STARED
AT.
IN FACT, CLOSE, FACE-TO-FACE, ON-SCREEN MEETINGS CAN SET OFF
THE SAME PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION AS A THREAT OR ATTACK.
OH, I'VE DEFINITELY FELT THAT.
THAT'S WHY, DURING MY FIRST ZOOM INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL
RADCLIFFE, I LUNGED AT THE SCREEN WITH A SHARPENED BONE.
NOW LET'S TURN TO FOOOOD NEEEWS!
( ECHO )
AND WE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE ARE BESIDE OURSELVES, AND THAT'S
NOT EASY, BECAUSE THE APARTMENTS ARE REALLY SMALL.
THE OUTRAGE COMES FROM AN ARTICLE IN "THE NEW YORK TIMES"
CLAIMING THE BEST BAGELS ARE IN CALIFORNIA.
AS A NATIVE WASHINGTONIAN, SOUTH CAROLINIAN, CHICAGOAN, NEW YORK
TRI-STATE-AREAN, I TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.
CALIFORNIA HAS BETTER BAGELS, "NEW YORK TIMES"?
REALLY?
ARE YOU SCHMEARIOUS?
THIS HURTS A LOX.
MAYBE WITH A LITTLE RED ONION, SLICE OF TOMATO.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS CARBOHYDRATE TREASON TO SEE NEW YORK CITY'S OWN
NEWSPAPER SHILLING FOR WEST COAST BAGELS, SAYING THEY HAVE
A COMFORTING SQUISH-- THICK BUT YIELDING, CHEWY BUT NOT
DENSELY SO.
OKAY, "COMFORTING SQUISH"?
THAT'S NOT A BAGEL.
THAT'S A TRAVEL PILLOW.
NEW YORKERS KNOW THAT REAL BAGELS SHOULD BE SO DURABLE YOU
CAN GIVE IT TO YOUR TEETHING BABY, AND HALF AN HOUR LATER,
IT'S UNBLEMISHED.
AND THE BAGEL'S FINE, TOO.
THE ARTICLE PROFILES SEVERAL CALIFORNIA BAGEL BAKERS,
BAGEL BAKERS, CALIFORNIA BAGEL BAKERS,
INCLUDING ONE WHO STARTED SELLING SMALL BATCHES OF BAGELS
ON HER BICYCLE.
BAGELS ON A BICYCLE?
NO, A BAGEL IS SOMETHING YOU CRY-EAT ON THE SUBWAY WITH YOUR
FACE IN A STRANGER'S ARMPIT WHILE A MAN DOWN THE CAR DOES
BACKFLIPS AND YELLS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BURN FOR YOUR SINS--
YOU KNOW, BREAKFAST!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE "THE BACHELOR'S" EMMANUEL ACHO.
AND FROM "BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA," GINA YASHERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, WHO WANTS TO KEEP YOU FROM VOTING?
THE ANSWER WON'T SURPRISE YOU.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪