- Welcome to Battle Royale.
Now you're probably all wondering, what led me to this?
Well I'll tell ya.
You've wasted your lives.
You're all criminals, outcasts who've nothing to live for,
trying to become the victors to bring
a bunch of money home for your families.
Who knows what did to end up here with a life sentence,
murder, treason, honestly, I couldn't care less.
How about this guy?
You, what'd you do, pretty boy?
- Oh I'm not a criminal.
I just want money.
(scattered laughter)
- You're joking.
You mean you came to Battle Royale
a free man of your own will?
- That's correct.
(laughing)
- What's your name, little boy?
- Tanner Cobbin.
- Well Mr. Cobbin, that's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
Hope you had a good life, boy
cause it ain't gonna last much longer.
Okay now you'll be splitting up into groups of four
and only one group will survive.
I've given you all pink axes
for looting and gathering resources.
Winners get $4,000,000 each.
Now get on the bus and get ready to jump.
- Oh god, oh god, I, I can't.
I can't jump.
(screaming)
- So I nominate myself as squad leader.
- Nope, I'm Anya, squad leader.
This is Roach, he's a serial killer.
- Hello.
- This is Carolyn.
She's a doctor something.
- Doctor, in a Battle Royale made up of 99% prisoners?
- Oh, she's a prisoner too.
Killed her husband.
- Actually, I'm innocent.
- She said she didn't do it,
but that's what everyone says except me.
I love killing people.
Aw, I'm so happy to be out of my cell.
Hey, can we call our squad Goals or Fam?
Fam Squad, that'd be cool.
- I like it.
- No.
- What about you, old man, which squad are you on?
- Oh, ha, not on a squad, sonny.
I just take the bus to work.
That's my shop down there on Retail Row.
Oh my god, what are they doing?
- All right guys, we're gonna have to jump soon.
I'm thinking Loot Lake.
Who's with me?
- Loot Lake is too hot.
Let's go to Salty Springs.
Good location, not congested.
- Salty Springs can suck on my shifty shaft.
Trust me, Loot Lake.
- Okay, but we passed Loot Lake about three kilometers ago.
- [Roach] Let's land at one of those Chinese restaurants.
- Okay, do we have our guns?
- We have to find our guns, idiot.
- What?
Those guys have guns.
- Take a picture asshole, it'll last longer.
- All right, all right, whatever, let's go.
Loot Lake, here we come.
Well (bleeps profanity)
- Way to go, squad leader.
No loot, no shelter, edge of the island, great location.
- Look, Moisty Mayer isn't that bad.
Just be patient.
I'm sure we'll find some guns somewhere.
Wait, look at this.
Here we go, 27 uncommon tactical shotguns behind this tree.
- Oh those things are so common.
- I've never really used a gun before.
Usually just like to gouge eyes,
you know, break skulls, hide snakes, that sort of thing.
- God, I can't even walk in here.
- Isn't that kind of a waste of wood?
- There's thousands of trees around and that's about it.
And great, it's getting darker.
- Yep it is going to be a long night.
Good morning.
- Oh
my
god.
Guys, it's a house.
Let's loot it like there's nobody inside.
- Move, me first.
Oh my god, these shrubs are about to execute me.
- We are the bush people, born in the bush,
die in the bush, make love to the bush.
- Bush people?
(grunts)
(fires gun)
(grunting)
Thank you.
You wouldn't mind to help?
- Whoa, check out these guns.
- Shield potions.
- Um, guys?
- Drink the small ones first.
- Aw bricks.
They're great for smashing faces.
- [Tanner] I'm in pain!
- Oh my god, these people have so much wood.
- Don't worry Tanner, you're going to be all right.
- Um, you're just holding your hand over me--
- Shh, shh.
- Look, I don't know how this is supposed to help me,
oh, oh, dammit, actually I feel a lot better.
- Come on you guys.
Let's check out what's in the house.
- I hear it.
I hear it.
Don't you hear it?
- Tanner, you're having a stroke.
Do you smell toast cause I'm eating toast.
- No, no, shush.
Right here, it's a chest.
I'm going in.
(pounding) Just above this ceiling.
- Where's the chest?
- Um, change of plans, no chest.
- No chest?
- Nope, no chest.
All right, let's go.
Next house.
- Looks like this place has already been looted.
Keep an eye out.
- Ha, typical noobs leaving ammo crates unopened like that.
- Uh Roach, that's a cooler.
What's in there that's gonna help us?
- I don't know, Sprite, cold cuts.
(gasping)
Slurp juice!
- Uh, uh, uh, not until after you've been shot, Mr.
- Aww.
- God, these gnomes are creepy.
(mystical music)
Ew.
- Hey Tanner, check it out.
Looks like there's a llama on this map.
In Mexico the llama is sacred.
Maybe like, if we can get to it,
it can help us or save us or something.
- Roach, a llama is not going to save us from anything.
Now I want you to go collect wood for me.
- Yes, sir.
(pounding)
So are you gonna help me or what?
- Nope, once you die, I'll simply step over your corpse,
collecting all the wood in a large lump sum.
- Oh.
(pounding)
- Hey, hey, watch it.
Leave one swing until the tree is gone.
We don't want people around us seeing it disappear.
It'll give away our location.
Stop, don't you do it, mister.
(pounding)
- Hey, hey Marty, did that tree just disappear?
- What? No.
Rick, are you high or something?
- Yes.
- I'm serious.
All of us have matching tattoos and it's creepy
because I didn't even notice it until now.
- Hm, mine looks a little different.
- Head's up, squad at 30 northeast.
- Yep, I saw em first.
30 and E. New England.
- God, I wish I had some way to see long distances.
- Here's a scoped assault rifle.
Seeing into a distance is all it's good for.
- Oh thanks.
- What do you see?
- I have no idea.
Okay we're gonna start shooting in one, two,
okay, one, two, goddammit.
You know, Anya, I never really asked you what you're in for.
You're a prisoner, right?
- I was a spy.
I knew too much.
I was framed.
I'm in prison, happy?
- Geez Anya, why you so salty?
- I'm not salty.
It's just not worth talking about.
- Nah, you salty.
You salty springs, dog.
- Look, that one's falling behind.
I got him.
(firing guns)
- Roach, build us a fort, walls first.
- Uh, okay.
Uh, oh (bleeping profanity) hold on.
- (sighing) Forget it.
- Mm, nice wall.
(firing guns)
- He's one, he's one.
- He's not one, he's got a full shield.
- Got him.
- Now stand still.
(fires gun)
- Surprise (bleeping profanity).
- Oh no, I'm out of wood!
(fires gun)
- Heal me, you asshole.
- No, you have a golden scar.
Just hurry up and die so I can have it.
(fires gun) (grunts)
- So I guess you did an okay job today.
- Hey you know what?
We might actually have a shot at winning this thing.
(guns firing)
Oh god, oh god, build walls.
Look, all I'm saying is Fatal Fields
is just a total copy of Anarchy Acres.
- Yeah, but they both ripped off Ballistic Barnyards.
- What the hell is that?
- [Tanner] It looks like some sort of divot that's dusty.
- Hm, crystal meth?
- What, no.
- I don't know.
I kinda want to eat it.
Whoa, you guys check this out.
This is crazy.
(laughing) See ya, losers.
Oh god.
- Um, guys?
(beeping)
- What is it?
- Looks like some sort of bio-magnetic acid storm.
- It sounds like a giant frog orgy.
- Roach, grow the hell up please.
Oh wow, it does sound like a giant frog orgy.
- That's it, I'm going in.
Oh god, that is painful.
I can't breath.
- Okay, so it seems like the storm
wants us to head northwest.
Let's go.
So this is Tilted Towers.
- [Tanner] I don't know.
They look pretty straight to me.
- They say you hear gunshots every hour
and the violent crime is like if
Chicago and Baltimore had a baby.
- Ah yes, Balcago.
Aight ho's, I know these mean streets, you feel me?
Nah, we gotta get outta these lame ass default scans,
know what I'm sayin'?
- Well at least now we don't look like complete idiots.
- This is so stupid.
This isn't going to change the fact
that we're gonna get shot at in about three seconds.
(shots firing)
- In there.
Don't worry, I got an impulse grenade.
(exploding) (screaming)
Roach, you said you got a golden scar
from a vending machine earlier, right?
- [Roach] Yep.
- Okay, can you pull it out?
We're gonna need it.
- [Roach] Yep.
- Um, okay, what the hell is that?
- It looks like Scar from Lion King.
- [Roach] Yep, and a golden one too.
Best Disney villain.
This bad boy was only 600 wood.
- What?
(crashing)
- Okay, okay, looks like they blew over there.
(fires gun)
(grunting) Dammit.
- Don't worry, Anya, I'm flanking around back.
I'm gonna build a ramp up and drop in on these guys.
- [Roach] Oh god, uh, you guys?
I don't want to alarm you,
but the storm is closing in on us pretty fast.
We have to head north.
I repeat, it's about to get Stormy Daniels up in here.
- It's bogey time.
- Oh god, no.
- Can't stop dancing.
About to die.
Oh, but I do love this song.
(fires gun) (grunting)
- Keep your eyes peeled,
there might be one more squad member missing.
- (bleeping profanity) that.
- Dammit Tanner, we're low on bandages because
your dumb ass had to mess around with that storm.
- And speaking of.
- She's not gonna make it.
In fact, there's a good chance
with how far we have to travel
that a couple of us won't make it.
There's no time left.
She's gonna die.
We need to do something.
- Don't worry, I have an idea.
(clattering)
One,
two,
three.
Okay, hold on.
(exploding) (screaming)
- [Roach] Tanner!
- Oh man, I really hope Tanner isn't dead.
- [Roach] Don't worry,
I'm sure the sacred llama will save him.
- Roach, shut up about the llama.
There is no llama.
- Okay now,
I have this portable mass of hot coal and flames.
Let's roll around on it to feel better.
(coughing) (screaming)
- [Roach] That feels so much better.
- Hey guys, look.
(gasping)
- [Roach] It's Loot Lake.
- Oh man, Tanner wanted to come here.
- [Roach] I know, right?
I'm gonna do an Olympic dive in his honor.
(splashing) (screaming)
(crying)
- Hey, quit whining.
We've got a squad building atop that house
in the middle of the lake.
You know, that house that's got zero loot,
no chests and is in a terrible location.
- Sir, we've got enemies due south.
- Kill them.
- Well yeah, that's the whole point of the,
you know what, let's just start shooting.
(firing guns)
- [Roach] I got us.
- I'm gonna run through the lake,
sneak up from behind.
- [Roach] My building is getting better, huh?
(firing gun)
(clattering)
- They're destroying my walls.
- [Roach] Hey, that's what she said. (screaming)
(dramatic electronic music)
God, we're doomed.
- Hey guys, build over here.
(gasping)
- [Roach] Tanner!
- Jump.
- [Roach] But I could just build a panel.
- Oh come on, jump.
It's more dramatic.
(dramatic jumping music)
- Thanks Tanner.
- [Roach] Yeah, thanks Tanner.
(kissing)
- Okay Carolyn, you can do this.
(fires gun) (grunts)
- No!
(running footsteps)
(blasting)
(shuffling)
No, no, no.
- [Roach] I know, they took all of our good guns.
- I'm gonna be honest.
Keanu Reeves, the guy who killed her?
Pretty hot.
- What?
He just murdered our friend.
- What can I say?
I like bad boys.
- [Roach] I've killed dozens of people.
Do you like me?
- No.
- Mark my words.
This is not the end.
We will have revenge.
I will kill Keanu Reeves.
Dearly beloved, we gather here to bury Carolyn
in Haunted Hills with the hope she'll resurrect as a zombie.
- [Roach] Hey, wait a minute,
isn't this area about to be covered in an acid storm?
- Make haste!
- [Roach] We're gonna need this brick.
(crashes)
- Okay, the map is getting super small now.
- [Roach] Oh, a t.v.!
- [Announcer] Welcome back to the Real Housewives
of Snobby Shores.
- Let's just say that in bed,
Joshua's a double pump and done.
I'll definitely be leaving him and taking half of his loot.
- They're the only squad left.
I can feel it.
Plus I'm playing on mobile and it says right here.
- Well, there's only three of em so
we've got an advantage.
- Yeah and they have almost no materials or health by now.
- [Roach] We have almost no materials or health right now.
- It's hopeless.
- Guys, we can't give up.
- Whelp, the map is shrinking again.
We're doomed.
- [Roach] Let's go.
- Wait, I've got a new approach.
We are going to be (bleeping profanity)
- What? - Yup.
Total (bleeping profanity)
- [Roach] Shh Tanner, we're gonna get demonetized.
- Riding the storm and then hiding right away.
It's riding and hiding, baby.
- See anything, sir?
- I see their fort in the distance.
- We can't just wait down here to be killed.
We need to--
- [Roach] Oh my god guys, it's the sacred llama!
- Well I'll be damned.
(grunting)
- [Roach] Just 20 more minutes.
(crashes)
- Okay new plan.
Roach, start building.
- Ha, yep, I'm feeling pretty good about this--
(screaming)
- Enemies at 105 east or maybe it's 75 east.
I don't know, over there.
- Doesn't 75 east sound like a highway?
- It does.
(grunting)
- I'll heal him.
You heal the other one.
(whooshing)
Geez, what a piece of sh--
(grunts)
- Well, let's just crawl into the storm to kill ourselves.
- Hm, only one left.
Whatever, less work for me.
(clanks) (groans)
- Ha, ha, take that Keanu Reeves.
Anya smacked your entire team.
Roach laid the trap and I hid in those bushes over there.
Roach, would you like to do the honors?
- [Roach] Well of course.
(whooshing)
- So that was it.
Our heroes had won and it was
a beautiful ceremony held for them.
All of our heroes planned
what they would do with their money.
Tanner was going to pay for a legal team
to prove Carolyn's innocence,
but it turns out there was sufficient video
evidence to her crime,
like serious video evidence of her doing it
and like looking at the camera and (bleeping profanity)
Roach was going to put his 4,000,000 bucks
towards becoming a famous actor,
but when he found out it wasn't real bucks,
and instead V-bucks he had won,
he went psycho and killed everyone at the ceremony
with his bare hands except his friends of course.
Oh he became famous all right.
(laughing)
Ah, well, that's pretty much the end of our story.
Or is it?
I honestly don't know.
Don't forget to like and subscribe.
Bye bye now.
(electric static)