>> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELCOME TO MY HOME ,AGAIN.
FUN FACT" TWO MONTHS AGO TODAY, WE LEFT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
I HOPE SOMEONE'S BEEN CHECKING ON ED.
DON'T REALLY KNOW WHEN WE'LL BE BACK.
IT'S ALL DEPENDENT ON WHEN WE CAN GATHER SAFELY.
THE COUNTRY IS STARTING TO OPEN UP A LITTLE BIT, BUT MAYBE TOO
MUCH A LITTLE BIT, AT LEAST ACCORDING TO INFECTIOUS DISEASE
EXPERT AND LITTLE BOY IN SWEET SHOP INDICATING WHICH TOFFEE HE
WOULD LIKE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
IN A PREVIEW OF HIS TESTIMONY, TODAY, FAUCI WARNED THAT
REOPENING THE ECONOMY TOO SOON WOULD CAUSE "NEEDLESS SUFFERING
AND DEATH."
NO NEED TO SUGARCOAT IT, DOC.
ALTHOUGH, SUGARCOATING IS A GOOD WAY TO GET TRUMP'S ATTENTION.
IT'S WHAT ERIC DOES.
THIS WAS A CHANCE FOR DR. FAUCI TO TESTIFY WITHOUT TRUMP LOOMING
NEARBY, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE EXCITED TO HEAR WHAT FAUCI HAD
TO SAY, NONE MORE SO THAN SENATE MINORITY, LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER:
>> THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE FIRST OPPORTUNITIES FOR DR. FAUCI TO
TELL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH WITHOUT THE
PRESIDENT LURKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.
DR. FAUCI, LET IT RIP.
>> Stephen: (AS SCHUMER) "YES, DR. FAUCI, LET IT RIP.
CUT THAT THICK CHEESE OF KNOWLEDGE.
WE WANT EXPLOSIVE TESTIMONY.
PLEASE, DR. FAUCI, SUPPLY IT.
DON'T DENY IT.
BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW, THIS CORONAVIRUS IS SILENT BUT
DEADLY.
I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY TIME.
PULL MY FINGER."
THE HEARING STARTED OFF WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER COLLEGES
COULD REOPEN IN THE FALL, AND FAUCI DID NOT SEEM OPTIMISTIC.
>> THE IDEA OF HAVING TREATMENTS AVAILABLE OR A VACCINE TO
FACILITATE THE RE-ENTRY OF STUDENTS INTO THE FALL TERM
WOULD BE SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE A BIT OF A BRIDGE TOO FAR.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, COLLEGE STUDENTS.
THERE WILL LIKELY BE NO TREATMENT WHEN YOU RETURN TO
COLLEGE IN THE FALL, SO MAKE SURE YOU'RE AT LEAST SIX FEET
AWAY FROM WHOEVER IS LIGHTING YOUR BONG.
BUT ASSISTANT SECRETARY FOR HEALTH, ADMIRAL BRETT GIROIR,
ARGUED THAT STUDENTS COULD RETURN, IF COLLEGES JUST GET A
LITTLE CREATIVE WITH TRACING.
>> THERE ARE SOME EXPERIMENTAL APPROACHES THAT LOOK
INTERESTING-- IF NOT PROMISING-- THAT, FOR EXAMPLE, WASTEWATER
FROM AN ENTIRE DORM OR AN ENTIRE SEGMENT OF A CAMPUS COULD BE
TESTED TO DETERMINE WHETHER THERE'S CORONAVIRUS IN THAT
SEWERAGE, THE WASTEWATER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS GROSS, BUT KEEP IN MIND,
COLLECTING AN ENTIRE DORM'S WASTEWATER IS ALREADY THE FINAL
TASK FOR SLEDGES OF SIGMA CHI POOPSILON.
WE ALSO HEARD FROM F.D.A.
COMMISSIONER STEPHEN HAHN, WHO APPARENTLY WAS TESTIFYING FROM
THE GREAT BEYOND.
( AS HAHN )
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK YOUR GRANDMA.
SHE'S SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU SOON.
COME TOWARD THE LIGHT, SENATORS."
WE ALSO GOT A GLIMPSE OF ONE OF HISTORY'S GREATEST FOOTNOTES:
FORMER FUTURE VICE PRESIDENT TIM KAINE, WHO APPARENTLY CAME
STRAIGHT TO THE SENATE FROM HIS OTHER JOB AS A COWBOY FOR
CHILDREN'S PARTIES.
( AS KAINE )
DR. FAUCI: WHO WANTS A ROOTIN'-TOOTIN' GOOD BIRTHDAY?!
PEW-PEW!" WE ALSO HEARD FROM SENATOR
BERNIE SANDERS, WHO ASKED HIS QUESTIONS WITH A RED HOT CHILI
PEPPERS POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND.
I MEAN, NO SURPRISE THERE.
WHEN IT COMES TO MEDICARE, HE WANTS TO "GIVE IT AWAY, GIVE IT
AWAY, GIVE IT AWAY NOW."
WHAT YOU GOT, YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TO YOUR MOMMA.
WHAT YOU GOT, YOU GOT TO GICH IT TO YOUR PAP.
YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
YOU DO A LITTLE DANCE THEN YOU DRINK A LITTLE WATER."
ANTHONY CEETIS "POINT BREAK."
WE FORGET, ANTHONY KETIS, "POINT BREAK."
>> "WASTE OF TIME, MAN."
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS LIKE IN "POINT
BREAK."
WE ALSO HEARD FROM KANSAS SENATOR PAT ROBERTS, WHO USED
HIS TIME TO CONFUSE US.
>> THANKS TO ALL OF THE WITNESSES.
YOU ALL ARE LIKE THE FAB FOUR.
I GUESS IT WAS A FAB FIVE BACK IN THE DAY, BUT YOU ARE SHINING
THE LIGHT OF TRUTH IN THE DARKNESS WITH INDIVIDUAL
FLASH LIGHTS, FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO WHAT?
DOES HE MEAN THE BEATLES, WHO ARE THE FAB FOUR?
UNLESS YOU COUNT YOKO, OR BILLY PRESTON, OR GEORGE MARTIN, OR
BILLY SHEARS?
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S HOW PAUL DIED: THE WALRUS WAS CORONAVIRUS.
LISTENING TO THE HEALTH EXPERTS TESTIFY TODAY, YOU MIGHT FEEL
LIKE WE'VE GOT A LONG BATTLE AHEAD OF US, BUT ACCORDING TO
THE PRESIDENT, WE'VE ALREADY WON.
>> IN EVERY GENERATION, THROUGH EVERY CHALLENGE AND HARDSHIP AND
DANGER, AMERICA HAS RISEN TO THE TASK.
WE HAVE MET THE MOMENT.
AND WE HAVE PREVAILED.
>> Stephen: LOOK, I THINK OUR COUNTRY'S GOING TO PULL THROUGH
THIS, BUT THAT SEEMS A LITTLE PREMATURE.
IT'S LIKE PASSING OUT CIGARS ON YOUR FIRST DATE, YELLING, "IT'S
A BOY!" SO, NATURALLY, REPORTERS ASKED
HIM TO CLARIFY.
>> YOU SAID IN YOUR COMMENTS EARLIER, "WE HAVE MET THE
MOMENT, AND WE HAVE PREVAILED."
TO YOU, SIR, IS THE MISSION ACCOPLISHED EVEN WITH 1.9--
>> NO, WE'VE PREVAILED ON TESTING IS WHAT I'M REFERRING
TO.
THAT WAS WITH REGARD TO TESTING.
>> Stephen: OH, WE'RE PREVAILING ON SOMETHING WE NEEDED TO DO
MONTHS AGO.
JUST LIKE NOAH SAID IN THE BIBLE, "LO, THE FLOOD MAY HAVE
DROWNED ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES, BUT I FINALLY FINISHED MY
KICKASS ARK!
NOW, LET'S GET TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL.
LET'S SEE, TWO DEAD GOATS.
I THINK THOSE SOGGY THINGS ARE HAMSTERS."
SO WE'VE PREVAILED, BUT WITH A LOT OF QUALIFIERS.
I THINK HIS PROPAGANDA BANNER MIGHT NEED A SLIGHT CHANGE:
AMERICA LEADS THE WORLD IN TESTING, BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE NO TESTING.
FAUCI WAS TESTIFYING FROM HOME BECAUSE HE WAS IN MODIFIED
QUARANTINE AFTER TWO MEMBERS OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION TESTED
POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
AND, APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT IS FREAKING OUT.
A FORMER OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP "A TOTAL GERMAPHOBE."
YOU KNOW, FOR A GERMAPHOBE, TRUMP SURE IS ANXIOUS TO GET THE
REST OF US OUT IN THE HOT ZONE.
IT'S THE ULTIMATE "THIS MILK SMELLS FUNNY.
YOU DRINK IT.
ALSO, THIS BLEACH SMELLS FUNNY.
DRINK THAT, TOO."
TRUMP'S FEARS MAY BE WHY YESTERDAY, THE ADMINISTRATION
RELEASED A MEMO ORDERING MOST WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS TO WEAR
MASKS IN THE WEST WING.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
THE REST OF US HAVE BEEN WEARING THEM FOR THE LAST TWO
MONTHS, AND IF THEY HAD ANY SHAME, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
HIDING THEIR FACES FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
TRUMP IS NOT EXPECTED TO WEAR A MASK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
( AS TRUMP )
IT WOULD BE LIKE I'M STUCK IN A DUTCH OVEN OF BIG MAC BURPS."
UP UNTIL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN CONCERNED THAT INFECTED PEOPLE
MIGHT HAVE BEEN AROUND HIM, BUT ONE FORMER OFFICIAL SAYS, "HIS
PRINCIPAL METHOD HAS BEEN, 'I'LL MAKE SURE EVERYONE AROUND ME IS
TESTED, AND THEN I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS.'"
EVERYONE ELSE IS SAFE, SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.
PRETTY SMART.
THAT'S WHY HE MADE STORMY DANIELS WEAR A CONDOM.
ONE STAFFER WHO TRUMP ISN'T GOING TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IS
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, WHO IS "MAINTAINING DISTANCE FOR THE
IMMEDIATE FUTURE" FROM THE PRESIDENT.
( AS TRUMP )
PRETEND I KNOW WHO THIS JESUS GUY IS ANYMORE.
HE SOUNDED LIKE A REAL BUZZKILL."
TRUMP'S BEEN FEELING A LITTLE STIR CRAZY, SO HE PLANNED A
VISIT TO A PENNSYLVANIA FACTORY THAT PRODUCES P.P.E. MATERIALS.
THE FACTORY MADE BIG NEWS BACK IN THE DAY, BECAUSE
EMPLOYEES THERE WENT THE EXTRA MILE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE
QUARANTINE TO MAKE SURE THEIR WORKSPACE WAS UNCONTAMINATED.
DOZENS OF THEM LIVED FOR 28 DAYS INSIDE THE FACTORY.
SO, WHILE THE REST OF US WERE WORKING FROM HOME, THESE FOLKS
WERE HOMING FROM WORK.
GIVEN THE CONTAMINATION RISKS, THE FACTORY TURNED THE WHITE
HOUSE DOWN, "WORRIED THAT A VISIT FROM TRUMP COULD
JEOPARDIZE THE SAFETY OF THE WORKERS."
WOW.
WE'VE ALL FELT THIS WAY, BUT NOW SOMEONE CAN FINALLY TELL DONALD
TRUMP, "LISTENING TO YOU TALK MIGHT KILL ME."
"WE HAVE A LIGHTER UPDATE ON THE CORONAVIRUS," IS A SENTENCE I
DIDN'T EXPECT TO EVER SAY, BUT IT'S TRUE, BECAUSE FRENCH
LANGUAGE EXPERTS HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE ACRONYM "COVID-19" IS
OFFICIALLY FEMININE.
WELL, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN COVID-19 IS FEMALE.
IT EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP DOESN'T TAKE HER SERIOUSLY.
NOW, DECIDING THAT COVID-19 IS A FEMALE TERM IS A LITTLE QUIRKY,
BECAUSE IN FRENCH, "THE UMBRELLA TERM FOR THE VIRUS TYPE--
CORONAVIRUS-- IS ACTUALLY MASCULINE."
OKAY, I KNOW LOTS OF LANGUAGES DO THIS, BUT GIVING NOUNS A SEX
FEELS INCREDIBLY FRENCH.
( FRENCH ACCENT )
WITH THE CURRVE, EET EEZ OBVIOUSLY A WOMAN.
BUT THE LONG, FIRM HANDLE, EEZ ALL MAN.
AND I FIND THIS POTTED PLANT VERY ATTRACTIVE, SO NATURALLY IT
EEZ A LADY PLANT.
EEZ IT SINGLE?
I'M FRENCH.
I DON'T CARE.
LET'S GET MULCHING, BABY."
I KNOW YOUR THINKING, "STEPHEN, WHO ARE THESE FRENCH LANGUAGE
OFFICIALS WHO GET TO CALL THIS STUFF, SOME GOOFY-ASS GROUP OF
MUSTACHIOED, BADGE-WEARING CURMUDGEONS?"
YUP, BECAUSE "THE MEMBERS OF THE FRENCH ACADEMY ARE MOSTLY
ELDERLY MEN WHO WEAR AN ORNATE UNIFORM AND A SWORD AND ARE
KNOWN AS THE IMMORTALS."
THEY BETTER HOPE THEY'RE IMMORTAL, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T BE
CAUGHT DEAD IN THIS OUTFIT.
♪ ♪ ♪ LE SLAM FRANCAIS!
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHRISTINE BARANSKI AND ELLIE KEMPER.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪