>> Stephen: THANKS, BOOMER!
LET'S DO THIS!
STEPHEN COLBERT.
(
Captioning sponsored by CBS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" EVERYBODY.
HELLO, JON.
HELLO, HUMAN.
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
>> STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THEALATE SHOW."
TONIGHT, I AM PROUD TO SAY WE ARE LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M YOUR QUARTERBACK, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY AT HOME FOR STICKING WITH US, OR
FOR LOSING THE REMOTE IN A BOWL OF QUESO DIP.
EITHER WAY, I'M GRATEFUL YOU'RE STILL HERE.
IT'S AN HONOR TO FOLLOW THE SUPER BOWL, ESPECIALLY SUPER
BOWL 50.
THAT'S A MILESTONE BECAUSE NOW, THE SUPERBOWL GETS TO JOIN
A.A.R.P.
THAT'S DISCOUNT MOVIE TICKETS.
BUS RIDES, EVERYTHING.
AND BECAUSE WE ARE BROADCASTING LIVE, I COULD DO ANYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYTHING.
>> Jon: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TONIGHT.
IT'S WIDE OPEN.
>> Stephen: AND CBS HAS A TEAM OF LAWYERS STANDING BY TO MAKE
SURE I DON'T.
( APPLAUSE ) NOTHING HERE.
LET'S GET TO IT.
WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FROM "WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT," TINA FEY AND MARGOT ROBBIE ARE
HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM "ZOOLANDER 2," THE GREAT
WILL FERRELL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND FROM THE UPCOMING FILM "KEANU," KEY AND PEELE.
WILL BE ON THE SHOW.
AND I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS-- I WILL BE JOINED BY
DONALD TRUMP'S KRYPTONITE, MEGYN KELLY.
SORRY, I GOT IT IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, AFTER EVERY SUPER BOWL I LIKE TO WORK
OFF SOME OF THE THAT NACHO WEIGHT
BY TOSSING AROUND THE OLD PIGSKIN, THE LACY
BURRITO, THE DIMPLED BROWN TACKLE MAGNET.
SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OUT TO SOMEBODY.
THE MAN IN THE CAMO.
>> NICE PASS, STEPHEN.
>> LIEUTENANT COLONEL CHRISTOPHER LANDERS AND
THE U.S. ARMY'S 10th MOUNTAIN DIVISION INAFGHANISTAN!
DID YOU GUYS WATCH THE SUPERBOWL?
>> ACTUALLY, WE'RE A COUPLE TIME ZONES AHEAD.
WE WATCHED IT NINE HOURS AGO.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
DID YOU GUYS HAVE A SUPER BOWL PARTY, ORDER SOME PIZZA?
>> WELL, PAPA JOHN'S DOESN'T DELIVER TO KANDAHAR, SO WE MADE
A SEVEN-LAYER DIP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COOL.
WHAT'S THE RECIPE?
>> THE BOTTOM LAYER IS SALSA, AND THE TOP SIX LAYERS ARE DUST.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
SAVE ME SOME OF THAT.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
AND TO YOU AND ALL THOSE SERVING OVERSEAS, PLEASE STAY SAFE.
>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE I HAVE TO WARM UP A LITTLE BIT.
THIS ONE SAY HAIL MARY.
BOOM!
ASTRONAUT SCOTT KELLEY AT THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.
SCOTT, DID YOU FOLKS UP THERE WATCH THE GAME?
>> WE ABSOLUTELY DID WATCH THE GAME FROM UP HERE, AND IT WAS A
GREAT VIEW FROM OUR SKYBOX.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO ANY KIND OF SUPER BOWL PARTY, MAKE A BIG
BATCH OF CHILI OR SOMETHING?
>> WELL, CHILI, UH, WE WOULDN'T MAKE CHILI, BECAUSE IT'S NOT
LIKE WE CAN CRACK A WINDOW UP HERE.
>> Stephen: I GET YOUR DRIFT, SCOTT.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN THROW ME A SPIRAL FROM UP THERE?
>> I CAN THROW YOU A SPIRAL.
I CAN TRY AT LEAST.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I HOPE HE'S OKAY.
WE'VE LOST THE FEED.
AND APPARENTLY THE BALL.
DO WE KNOW WHERE IT IS?
IS IT JUST FLOATING OUT IN SPACE SOMEPLACE?
WHO'S GOT THE BALL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANKS CHEWIE.
HE'S SHEDDING.
THAT GUY WOULD MAKE A GOOD LINEBACKER OR A GREAT MASCOT.
OKAY, WE GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE.
I CAN'T QUITE SEE WHO IT IS.
YOU IN THE BACK, THE TALL GUY WITH THE REALLY BIG EARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> NICE ARM, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: PRESIDENT OBAMA!
DID YOU WATCH THE GAME, SIR?
>> OF COURSE, I DID.
AFTER EVERY SUPER BOWL I CALL THE WINNING TEAM AND
CONGRATULATE THEM, AND SOMETIMES I ALSO CALL THE LOSING TEAM,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES I BET ON THEM.
>> Stephen: CIRC HATE TO BRAKE THIS TO YOU.
BUT BETTING IS ILLEGAL?
>> I'M THE PRESIDENT.
I HONOR PARDON MYSELF.
>> Stephen: FAIR ENOUGH.
SIR, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF TONIGHT A GAME?
>> PROBABLY WHEN THE WINNING TEAM SEALED THE DEAL WITH THE
TOUCHDOWN THANKS TO THE GUY WHO WAS REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: SIR, THAT'S INCREDIBLY VAGUE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU WATCHED THE GAME?
>> WELL, LOOK, YOU CAUGHT ME.
THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY LIVE.
THIS IS A PRETAPE WE SHOT LAST WEEK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SIR, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I'VE MADE A REALLY BIG
DEAL ABOUT THE FACT THIS IS A LIVE SHOW TONIGHT.
I'VE-- I REALLY FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE PRETAPED.
>> ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO PROVE IT TO YOU.
COME ON OUT HERE.
>> Stephen: HEY, MAN.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE LIVE SHOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.
GLAD I'M NOT YOU.
>> YOU SEE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I STAND CORRECTED.
( LAUGHTER ) SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT--
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WON THE GAME, SIR?
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
OF COURSE, I DO.
IT WAS THE DENVER BRONCOS.
>> Stephen: WHAT!
IF IT WAS A PRETAPE, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?
>> STEPHEN, I AM THE PRESIDENT.
AND IT TURNS OUT ALL THE SUPER BOWL WINNERS FOR THE NEXT 50
YEARS ARE WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF THE CONSTITUTION.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE PLOT OF "NATIONAL
TREASURE 3."
>> Stephen: SIR, THERE IS NO "NATIONAL TREASURE 3."
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
THERE WILL BE.
THE SCRIPT IS ON THE BACK OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU
FOR JOINING US.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, EVEN BY PRETAPE, SIR.
NOW I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO NEED THAT BALL BACK.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
GET READY.
I'M GOING TO PUT SOME MUSTARD ON THIS ONE.
OOOOH!
UH-OH.
>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S MOVE.
I WANT TO SEE YOUR VERY BEST SUPER BOWL TOUCHDOWN DANCE.
COME ON.
SKEWS ME!
WHO IS THROWING A FOOTBALL IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> OOOOOH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!