WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LET'S START OFF THE EVENING ON A POSITIVE NOTE, JOHN.
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE TO REMEMBER.
BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY NOTED THE DAY ON TWITTER.
MELANIA WAS SHORT AND SWEET.
"TOGETHER WE HONOR DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. #M.L.K. DAY."
SHE REALLY RELATES TO DR. KING'S MESSAGE, ESPECIALLY THE PART
ABOUT WANTING TO BE "FREE AT LAST."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: I THINK I HEARD.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S WHAT I HEARD.
>> Jon: THANK GOD ALMIGHTY.
>> Stephen:ED TOEST THING ABOUT THAT
TWEET WAS THE GRAPHIC SHE CHOSE, WHICH JUST SAID, "M.L.K. DAY."
TIMELY AND FACTUAL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A
PREVIEW OF THE FIRST LADY'S TWEET FOR TOMORROW, "TOGETHER WE
HONOR TUESDAY JANUARY 21."
AGAIN, SO TRUTHFUL.
>> Jon: DIRECT.
DIRECT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IN ADDITION TO
THIS BEING M.L.K. DAY, IT'S ALSO THE THIRD ANNIVERSARY
OF TRUMP'S INAUGURATION.
JANUARY 20, 2017.
I THINK WE ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE WEREN'T
THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WE'RE ALSO EXACTLY ONE YEAR AWAY FROM THE INAUGURATION OF
OUR NEXT PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO IT WILL EITHER BE A MASSIVE, HISTORIC CELEBRATION IN DC, OR
THE WHITE HOUSE WILL TELL US IT WAS A MASSIVE, HISTORIC
CELEBRATION IN DC.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT INAUGURATION DAY MAY COME
EARLY BECAUSE TOMORROW IS THE BEGINNING OF TRUMP'S SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.
>> I'M GONNA BOMB THE (BLEEP) OUT OF THEM.
>> STEPHEN: OVER THE WEEKEND, HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS FILED
A 111 PAGE BRIEF OUTLINING THE PRESIDENT'S ABUSE OF POWER AND
OBSTRUCTION OF CONGRESS.
THEY CONCLUDE THAT "PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CONDUCT IS THE FRAMERS'
WORST NIGHTMARE."
YES, THE FRAMERS' WORST NIGHTMARE, NEXT
TO THE ONE WHERE THEY'RE ADDRESSING THE CONTINENTAL
CONGRESS WITHOUT PANTALOONS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE, THE PRESIDENT'S
LAWYERS SAY THAT ABUSE OF POWER IS NOT IMPEACHABLE.
YES, IT IS.
IT'S THE MOST POWERFUL JOB IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S WHY ABUSE OF POWER IS THE THING A PRESIDENT IS NOT
SUPPOSED TO DO.
IT'S LIKE LORD ACTON'S FAMOUS SAYING, "POWER CORRUPTS, IS
DONALD TRUMP CORRUPT?
ABSOLUTELY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THEY'RE SAYING "TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT A CRIME."
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BREAK THE LAW TO GET FIRED.
IT MAY NOT BE AGAINST THE LAW FOR YOU TO DUNK YOUR JUNK IN MY
CAPPUCCINO, BUT I STILL WANT YOU FIRED.
AMERICA DOES NOT RUN ON JUNK DUNKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WORTH IT.
>> Stephen: WARM THIS TIME OF YEAR.
>> Jon: I DON'T MESS WITH THAT.
>> Stephen: CONSTITUTIONAL LAW SCHOLAR
LAURENCE TRIBE SAYS, THE ARGUMENT THAT ONLY CRIMINAL
OFFENSES ARE IMPEACHABLE HAS DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS IN THE
WRITINGS OF ALL THE EXPERTS ON THE SUBJECT, BUT IT STAGGERS ON
LIKE A VENGEFUL ZOMBIE.
LOOK, LARRY, YOU MAY NOT AGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S ALLIES, BUT
I THINK THE TERM "VENGEFUL ZOMBIES" IS A LITTLE--
OH.
( LAUGHTER ) OH.
ON THE NOSE.
>> Jon: OH, THAT THING RIGHT THERE.
>> OPT NOSE.
ON THE NOSE.
>> Jon: WHOO!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: I OBJECT!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE ULTIMATE INSULT AGAINST
TRUMP'S DEFENSE BRIEF IS THE ALLEGATION THAT IT IS "SO WEAK
HE LIKELY DICTATED PARTS HIMSELF."
THERE'S A HINT OF THAT IN THIS SECTION WHICH READS: "THE
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT NOW BEFORE THE SENATE ARE AN AFFRONT
TO THE CONSTITUTION.
HELLO, I'LL TAKE A LARGE MEAT LOVER'S PIZZA.
EXTRA MEAT.
EXTRA LOVER.
GOOD BYE.
DAMN!
I FORGOT THE GARLIC KNOTS!" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YOU DON'T NEVER GET 'EM.
>> Stephen: AND HERE'S THE THING -- DONALD TRUMP IS TAKING
NONE OF THIS LIGHTLY.
WITH HIS PRESIDENCY ON THE LINE, TRUMP IS TURNING TO HIS FAVORITE
LEGAL SCHOLAR: TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO A SOURCE, TRUMP HAS
BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THAT "HE WANTED A HIGH PROFILE LEGAL TEAM
THAT CAN PERFORM ON TELEVISION," AND "TRUMP LOVES HAVING PEOPLE
WHO ARE ON TELEVISION WORKING FOR HIM."
(AS TRUMP) "GET ME MATLOCK, PERRY MASON,
LAW AND ORDER, DHARMA AND GREG."
( LAUGHTER ) TEAM TRUMP INCLUDES HARVARD LAW
PROFESSOR AND MAN WHO JUST GOOGLED "ALAN DERSHOWITZ
UNDERWEAR", ALAN DERSHOWITZ, WHO FAMOUSLY DEFENDED O.J. SIMPSON
AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
(AS TRUMP) "GET ME DERSHOWITZ, I'M EXACTLY
AS INNOCENT AS EPSTEIN AND O.J.
JARED, JUST IN CASE, GAS UP THE BRONCO."
( LAUGHTER ) DERSHOWITZ WAS ON THE SUNDAY
SHOWS PUSHING THE WHOLE ABUSE OF POWER IS NO BIGGIE:
>> YOU NEEDED PROOF OF AN ACTUAL CRIME.
IT NEEDN'T BE A STATUTORY CRIME, BUT IT HAS TO BE CRIMINAL
BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL IN NATURE.
>> STEPHEN: BUT DURING THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT, ONE
PROMINENT LEGAL SCHOLAR DISAGREED:
>> IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A CRIME IF YOU HAVE SOMEBODY
WHO COMPLETELY CORRUPTS THE OFFICE OF PRESIDENT AND WHO
ABUSES TRUST AND WHO POSES GREAT DANGER TO OUR LIBERTY, YOU DON'T
NEED A TECHNICAL CRIME.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT LOOK, WE'VE ALL -- WAIT --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK IN 1974 DERSHOWITZ SAID
THIS ABOUT RICHARD NIXON AND WATERGATE: "I'M NOT HAPPY SEEING
NIXON'S GANG BEING TRIED BY BLACKS AND LIBERALS IN THE
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA."
WOW.
THAT STATEMENT DIDN'T AGE WELL, BUT NEITHER DID ALAN DERSHOWITZ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AS I SAID, THE SENATE TRIAL
STARTS TOMORROW, BUT WE'RE STILL A LITTLE FUZZY ON THE DETAILS
THANKS TO SENATE MAJORITY LEADER --
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) -- AND CROWD FAVORITE MITCH
McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO
WORK: AS MAJORITY LEADER, MCCONNELL WRITES UP THE RULES
FOR THE TRIAL, THEN THE ENTIRE SENATE VOTES ON THOSE RULES.
SIMPLE.
THING IS: MCCONNELL HAS SO FAR REFUSED TO REVEAL ANY OF THE
DETAILS ABOUT HIS RESOLUTION.
THE TRIAL STARTS TOMORROW!
THAT WOULD BE LIKE A WEDDING INVITE GOING OUT THAT SAYS
"CEREMONY AT 1 PM, ST. MATTHEW'S EPISCOPAL CHURCH.
B-Y-O BRIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) MITCH HAS BEEN HUSH-HUSH ABOUT
THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HE'S CONFIDENT
TRUMP IS INNOCENT, BECAUSE REPORTEDLY, MCCONNELL IS
PREPARING A RESOLUTION THAT WOULD LEAVE ROOM FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S LAWYERS TO MOVE IMMEDIATELY TO DISMISS THE
IMPEACHMENT CHARGES, IN WHAT'S BEING CALLED "A BREAK-GLASS
OPTION."
"BREAK-GLASS."
A SURE SIGN THAT EVERYTHING'S A-OKAY.
THAT'S WHY PUBLIC BUILDINGS HAVE --
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHY PUBLIC BUILDINGS HAVE
AXES ON THE WALL WITH SIGNS THAT SAY BREAK GLASS IN CASE
EVERYTHING'S HUNKY DORY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE MCCONNELL IS BUSY RIGGING
THE TRIAL, SOME OF THE JURORS HAVE ALREADY STARTED THEIR
DEFENSE OF THE PRESIDENT, LIKE ALABAMA SENATOR AND FRANKENSTEIN
NOTICING FIRE, RICHARD SHELBY.
SHELBY WAS ON "THIS CURIOUS WEEK WITH GEORGE," WHO ASKED HIM THIS
QUESTION: >> DO YOU THINK IT WAS PROPER
FOR THE PRESIDENT TO SOLICIT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR
ELECTION?
WE'VE SEEN THE PRESIDENT IN PUBLIC ASK THE UKRAINIANS TO
GET INVOLVED, ASK THE CHINESE TO GET INVOLVED.
>> WELL, THOSE ARE JUST STATEMENTS POLITICAL.
THEY MAKE THEM ALL THE TIME.
>> SO IT'S OK?
>> I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS OK.
I SAID PEOPLE MAKE THEM-- PEOPLE DO THINGS.
THINGS HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: AN IRONCLAD DEFENSE.
IT'S LIKE A DEFENSE ATTORNEY SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, DID MY
CLIENT COMMIT MURDER?
SURE, BUT THINGS HAPPEN.
SOMETIMES SHARP THINGS HAPPEN 22 TIMES TO THE TORSO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU MUST DECLARE HIM INNOCENT BY
REASON OF "WHATCHA GONNA DO?
KIDS WILL BE KIDS ."
( LAUGHTER ) WITH IMPEACHMENT HEATING UP IN
WASHINGTON, TRUMP ESCAPED TO TEXAS FOR THE ANNUAL CONVENTION
OF THE AMERICAN FARM BUREAU.
HE BEGAN BY TELLING THEM THAT THEY ALL LOVED HIM:
>> A POLL JUST CAME OUT-- "WALL STREET JOURNAL."
IT JUST CAME OUT.
LOOK AT THIS: "FARMER APPROVAL OF TRUMP HITS RECORD, POLL SHOWS
83% OF THE FARMERS AND RANCHERS APPROVE OF THE PRESIDENT'S JOB
PERFORMANCE."
83%!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT, I WANT TO KNOW, REALLY: WHO
ARE THE 17%?
WHO ARE THEY?
WHO THE HELL ARE THE 17%?
( LAUGHTER ) ANYBODY IN HERE FROM THE 17%?
DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND; IT MAY BE DANGEROUS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S A
LITTLE DISCONCERTING FROM THE MOST
POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.
(AS TRUMP) "SERIOUSLY, WHO IN THIS ROOM
DOESN'T APPROVE OF ME?
I'M THROWING A SPECIAL PARTY FOR YOU GUYS.
JUST FOLLOW THE COWS UP THAT RAMP."
( LAUGHTER ) JUST IGNORE THE WHIRLING PARTY
BLADES.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO SPENT A GOOD AMOUNT
OF TIME TALKING ABOUT AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER SID
MILLER, SEEN HERE A'WRANGLIN' A CUPCAKE.
LAUGH AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHICH
DETAIL ABOUT MILLER HE FOCUSED IN ON!
>> HE HAD THE BIG, BEAUTIFUL COWBOY HAT ON.
I LOVE THAT HAT.
I WISH WE COULD WEAR THEM IN WASHINGTON OR NEW YORK BECAUSE I
WOULD BE THE BIGGEST BUYER OF THAT HAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: ACTUALLY, YOU "CAN"
WEAR THEM IN NEW YORK.
MY DRUMMER, JOE SAYLOR, IS WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( RIM SHOT ) NOT A JOKE, JOE.
( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )
ONE ISSUE AFFECTING FARMERS IS THE ESTATE TAX.
AND IF THERE'S ANYBODY WORRIED ABOUT WHO INHERITS THEIR
FORTUNE, IT'S DONALD TRUMP.
>> IS THERE ANYBODY HERE THAT DOES NOT LOVE THEIR CHILDREN AND
DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE THEIR BEAUTIFUL FARM TO THEIR
CHILDREN?
YOU MEAN THERE'S NOT ONE PERSON THAT DISLIKES YOUR CHILDREN
BECAUSE THEY'RE BRATS-- BECAUSE THEY'RE SPOILED ROTTEN BRATS?
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "C'MON, ADMIT IT.
EVERYONE HATES THEIR KIDS, RIGHT?
ESPECIALLY THE BLONDE ONE, GIANT GUMS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JIM GAFFIGAN IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, THERE ARE VACANCIES IN THE ROYAL FAMILY.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )