Please welcome Lara Beitz.
(applause and cheering)
All right. Hell, yeah.
Got some hotties with some bodies
in the house tonight.
(bleep) yeah.
Looking good, like what I see.
I moved here from the Midwest,
so now every guy I see is the hottest guy I ever saw.
(laughter)
In my whole entire life.
Jesus Christ, holy shit.
(laughter)
I’ve been dating ’em, too. I’ve been getting in there.
(laughter)
I was being boyfriend, girlfriend with this one guy,
and that relationship lasted for two sexes.
(laughter)
And then I fell in love with him.
(laughter)
And he didn’t fall in love with me.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Yeah, I don’t recommend that at all.
(laughter)
We were breaking up. I was just like,
"So, what do you want?"
And he said, "I just want to be left alone."
(laughter)
I was like, "So if I leave you alone,
can we still be boyfriend, girlfriend?"
(laughter)
"No? Okay, perfect.
"No, I mean, I drank your (bleep),
but I guess that doesn’t count for jack shit in this town."
(cheering and applause)
(bleep) unbelievable.
(laughter)
So I am back out there again.
Not that I (bleep) feel like it, but I am dating again.
(laughter, cheering and applause)
I’m an aggressive dater.
I’m not (bleep) around no more.
(laughter, cheering and applause)
I want a husband and a baby.
And if you don’t want to give me that shit,
stay the (bleep) out of my way.
Yeah!
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah!
Yeah, I mean that.
Every guy here is like,
"Ooh, I’m just looking for something casual."
Yeah, I bet you are, you little bitch.
(laughter)
Well, I’m (bleep) not.
I’m looking for something formal.
I want someone to rent a tux and marry me.
(laughter and applause)
I’m gonna give up.
I can’t take this shit no more. I’m gonna quit.
I’m just gonna go to the sperm bank. (bleep) it.
(laughter)
Not even to have a baby.
Just, I’ll drink the (bleep).
(laughter and applause)
Is that what you want?
(cheering and applause)
Are you happy?
It’s just a different path to the same thing, anyway.
(laughter)
No, it is. That is true.
That is...
They don’t tell you that, but that is true.
If all the dates go good,
he’s gonna want you to drink the (bleep).
Yeah. Not me. Not anymore.
Drink your own (bleep), you (bleep) asshole.
(laughter)
-Yeah. -(cheering and applause)
I’ll drink my (bleep) I bought at the bank.
(laughter)
And then we don’t have to talk
about what kind of music you like,
’cause I don’t give a shit. How’s that sound?
(laughter)
Sometimes on dates, guys will ask me
why I think I’m still single, which...
That’s a trap. Don’t answer that.
(laughter)
I’m just like, "Honestly,
most guys find my (bleep) too tight."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
"So that’s why."
(laughter)
Which is not true.
(laughter)
I don’t know, I think I got a regular one.
(laughter)
Maybe it’s tight. I feel like if it was, though,
it would have come up in conversation by now, though.
(laughter)
One time, a guy did say it was tight.
I was like, "Really?"
And he laughed so hard, his dick went soft.
So, probably not the tightest one of all time.
I do know I have a wide cervix,
’cause my doctor told me that, not that I (bleep) asked.
She was doing the exam. She was like,
"Oh, have you ever been pregnant?"
I was like, "No."
She was like, "Oh, okay.
I just asked ’cause you have a wide cervix."
I was like, "I wasn’t gonna ask you why you asked me that.
"I thought you asked everyone the same questions.
I didn’t think you were just asking me personally
’cause of how big my shit is."
And then, a different time,
a guy was giving me a professional massage.
He was like, "Oh, you have broad shoulders."
I was like, "You should see my cervix."
Please welcome Brian Simpson.
I don't, uh... I don't help people
when their pets go missing.
(laughter)
No. And when I see one of those signs,
and it's like, "Lost dog,"
I'm like, "All right, that's one side of the story."
-(laughter) -Yeah.
You're using the word "lost," but what if I ask the dog?
Maybe he escaped.
You know?
Those people want you to think their dog's biggest problem is
they can't find them.
But I saw this documentary.
It turns out, the average canine can recognize a familiar scent
for up to 13 miles.
For up to 48 hours.
So maybe your dog know exactly where you are.
-You know? -(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Yeah.
You just can't handle the fact that he chose the streets.
(laughter)
And you shouldn't be asking black people
to help return a runaway to his master, so...
(laughter, groaning)
Oh, shit. Racism. Here we go.
(laughter)
We don't talk about racism enough
'cause it makes everybody-- white people-- uncomfortable.
(laughter)
Like, we treat racism like herpes.
We just act like it's not everywhere.
(laughter)
Then every now and then, there's a flareup.
(laughter)
And America's like,
"I don't have it. I don't know...
where everybody's getting it from."
(laughter, applause)
And then, all the black people are like,
"Well, this is the only country
"that's been (bleep) me, so...
"why is my freedom so bumpy?
You know what I mean?"
(laughter)
And they hate when we protest.
Just large groups of us piss people off.
America looks at black people
the way cashiers look at pennies.
(laughter)
Like, legally they have to accept us everywhere,
but if you walk in with more than a handful,
everybody's like, "What is this bullshit?"
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
It's true.
Reviews are ruining everybody.
Everybody thinks their (bleep) opinion is valuable
'cause we can review things.
Remember the golden days, remember the early '90s?
If you went out somewhere,
and there was something wrong with your sandwich or something,
you got home, you just had to shut the (bleep) up about it.
-(laughter) -Yeah.
Nobody cared what happened to you at Applebee's
when Bill Clinton was president.
(laughter)
Now every single American is like,
"Oh, I had to ask twice for napkins?"
(laughter)
"I'm gonna put this place out of business. I got..."
(laughter)
-Yeah. -(applause)
You notice people leaving one-star reviews
on national parks?
Yeah.
Somebody gave Yellowstone National Park a one-star review.
And I quote.
"Went camping, only saw one bear.
Bullshit."
(laughter)
How arrogant do you have to be
to give the earth a one-star rating?
It's the only habitable planet.
(laughter)
You can watch ten YouTube videos now and be like, "You know what?
(bleep) the people that have a degree in this."
(laughter)
"I have some theories of my own, Neil deGrasse Tyson."
(laughter)
You know those people that don't believe the earth is round?
Yeah, they call themselves "flat earthers."
And their whole reasoning is, uh,
it don't seem round from here.
(laughter)
'Cause they can't see the curve, they don't think it's real.
Like, there's people smarter than you, dude.
Just accept that. (bleep) what you can see.
(laughter)
You've never seen germs. I bet if I sneeze in your mouth,
you'll make a doctor's appointment.
(laughter, applause and cheering)
(whooping)
Yeah.
And stop assuming that black people's biggest fear
is racist cops.
There's racists in every job.
You know what's more terrifying than a racist cop?
-A racist lifeguard. -(laughter)
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
A racist cop got to at least break a sweat.
Lie to somebody.
A racist lifeguard just has to not notice you out there.
(laughter)
-And you dead. -(laughter)
So ask yourselves...
is it that black people can't swim...
(laughter)
...or have we been the victims
of a decades-long conspiracy
by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan?
(laughter)
(applause)
Yeah.
Right.
And stop calling the Ku Klux Klan "the Klan,"
like they're the greatest clan.
The Wu-Tang Clan is the greatest clan.
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.
It doesn't matter what's important to you in the clan.
The Wu-Tang Clan has more members than the Ku Klux.
They've got more hit singles than the Ku Klux.
And if you listen to their music,
they've killed more (bleep) than the Ku Klux Klan, so...
Bobby Miyamoto!
Thank you. It's, uh, Bobby Miyamoto.
It's Japanese.
People always say, "You don't seem Japanese."
I'm totally Japanese.
I love drinking "sayke."
(laughter)
Vodka's my drink. When I was younger,
we used to put vodka in water bottles
and bring them into bars,
'cause you can save, like, a lot of money doing that.
You can't do it as you get older,
especially if you're trying to hit on a woman at the bar.
You can't say, "You want a shot?
"All right, put my coat over your head
and lean under the bar."
(laughter and applause)
So, sometimes when I talk, I slur,
and the reason why is I had a stroke last year.
I'm not making it up. It's true.
I'm fine now. Thanks for your concern.
(laughter)
I really did. I had a stroke.
When I tell people, they always say,
"Are you sure you had a stroke?
You seem a little young."
Well, first of all, I'm Japanese,
so I'm 90 years old.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
But I did. I had a stroke. And when I started to recover,
people would tell me how lucky I am
because I had lost, like, a lot of feeling on my right side,
but after a couple of weeks, it started to come back,
and people would say how lucky I am.
They would be like, "You're like a lottery winner."
Not quite.
(laughter)
Also, I don't think when someone actually wins the lottery,
they say, "Hey, this is just like coming back from a stroke."
(laughter and applause)
But a stroke, it changes you.
Like, for me, it recalibrated my brain.
Like, I used to be an inconsiderate person,
but the stroke gave me a lot more empathy.
So now whenever I see, like, a rude guy,
I always think to myself,
"That dude needs to have a stroke."
(laughter and applause)
To recover, I went to Phoenix to stay with my mom,
and the heat concerned me in Phoenix
'cause it was over a hundred degrees every day,
and it wasn't even summertime.
So I was asking a buddy of mine who lives there, I was like,
"How do you handle the heat in Arizona in the summertime?"
He goes, "Actually, it's not that bad.
"One good thing in Phoenix is it gets so hot
"that dog poop just gets really hard
"'cause there's no moisture in the air.
"So if you step on it, it just crumbles.
Doesn't really stick to your shoe."
(laughter)
That's the best thing about living in Phoenix?
(laughter and applause)
How many times a day do you step in dog poo?
You should write advertising for the city.
(laughter)
"Are you tired of mild summers
"and soft manure?
Come to Phoenix and start living the good life."
(laughter)
But after a while, I was able to run a little bit.
Uh, so I asked the doctor,
"Is it all right if I go jogging?"
And the doctor said, "Yeah, light jogging is okay,
but if you start to feel numb or dizzy, stop."
I was like, "All right, so if I feel another stroke coming on,
I should stop?"
'Cause I was just gonna run faster
and then celebrate with a cigarette.
(laughter)
My buddy said, "You can forget about doing drugs now.
Doctor's not gonna be okay with that."
(laughter)
Was the doctor okay with it before I had a stroke?
I remember the doctor saying, "You seem like a healthy guy.
"You can treat yourself
to a cocaine binge on special occasions."
(laughter and applause)
But the thing I was worried about is going into debt.
But I found the best way to deal with debt
after a medical emergency is where you do one of those things
where you consolidate all your bills
into one easy monthly payment
and then just default on that payment.
That way, you have less people calling you.
But I haven't had, really, any setbacks since my stroke,
but I got a really bad cold.
And I had to buy cold medicine.
And I have to be careful with that because, uh,
they card-- Well, one thing is
it increases your blood pressure.
But they card you now to buy cold medicine.
You have to be 18 years old, because people use it to make,
like, crystal meth.
Which is kind of weird. Like, only people under the age of 18
make crystal meth?
Those are some pretty productive kids.
If they really wanted to prevent people who do crystal meth
from buying cold medicine, instead of carding 'em,
they should make 'em smile.
(applause)
If your teeth are mangled,
no decongestant.
Thank you very much, folks.
(cheering and applause)