The other day I was talking to this girl in my class,
and she said to me, "why don't you just choose to be happy?"
and that was something that you wouldn't say to someone with a cold,
why don't you just choose to be healthy?
People don't always understand the difference between having depression,
and feeling depressed
but I think that comes from there not being enough education about it,
and there being a whole stigma around talking about mental health.
Well, when I get really depressed,
I feel sort of, not numb, but I just don't care,
and I get in like a mindset where nothing else really matters and nothing else,
I can't feel anything else, it's just sadness and overwhelming thoughts of sadness.
Primary school was bad.
I was diagnosed with depression in year five.
The main thing was probably thinking I had a reason to be sad.
"I had a hunch from when he was in about year three,
that there was something not quite right.
I couldn't put my finger on it but he just seemed to have a heaviness about him.
He didn't enjoy the company of children his own age.
He was okay with adults, although a little bit uncomfortable, but he did better with adults.
He was okay with young children,
but he just seemed like he was in combat all the time and unhappy."
My depression was identified when I was taken to see a psychologist ,
and they ran the tests that they run,
and they made a decision and diagnosis based on that.
We weren't going there looking for a diagnosis,
or looking to be diagnosed with depression,
we're going to find out if there was an issue and what it was.
"In year six I took him to see a psychiatrist.
I still have that report,
and reading that report makes my hair stand on end
because he was so low and he was suffering to such a huge extent,
that anyone who read that report could not refute a child suffering with Depression.
He was prescribed antidepressants which he was put on then,
and after a month he turned round to me and he said "Mummy my life has changed". "
I never really hid my depression
but I never really promoted it.
Like sort of people who post on Facebook about it.
I never really did that either, just if I had cause to bring it up, I'd bring it up.
"Young people struggle to talk about Depression, and openly,
because there's still a great deal of stigma attached to the condition,
and I think we'd be naive to think otherwise.
Young people are acutely aware of how they're perceived by other people,
and they're also at a time where they're developing their sense of themselves,
their identities, their beliefs.
They may not know what depression is,
and how it fits with all of that experience of ordinary adolescence
and they may not have the words to describe their experience yet."
When I think of depression, I think it's a very lonely place.
You're alone, there's no one around you,
and when they are around you, you want to push them away.
You don't want them near you.
You just want to be on your own because you feel like that's all you deserve.
No one around me would understand, even family, I thought,
well they're not gonna understand why I feel so tired and exhausted and miserable,
when my life's essentially great.
I was a nasty person, which I don't believe I am.
Usually I'm not.
I pushed a lot of people away and I do think people,
especially my family, could tell I was depressed because I would snap at anything.
My mum could say "hi, how was your day?" and I would just shut her out.
I didn't want to speak to anyone.
It was like there was so much going on in my brain that someone else's input,
it was just too much.
I went to the doctor because it got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed anymore
and I just burst into tears.
I did say, I don't know what's wrong with me, this is not me,
I'm not brushing my hair,
and that's when it really hit me that, there is something wrong
and I don't know how to change it.
Every day I completed,
was a massive accomplishment because I didn't think the next day I would even be here to do that.
I would never say, I feel happy today,
or I've had a great day,
in the fear that the next day would be darker than I've ever experienced before.
I missed a lot of school and that made me very socially isolated.
I didn't really have many friends,
I didn't have close friends at school that I felt I could talk to about mental health.
When I was off school no one really knew how to reach out to me,
because people don't know how to talk about it.
Being my age,
not a lot of people will speak up about it,
and it was at a time where mental health wasn't a big thing.
It was a couple of years ago and it has only just started to come to light now,
that people are suffering,
and I remember just feeling very alone and different.
I feel really sad that people think that younger children might not understand mental health
and they think: "Oh kids don't have depression,
don't be silly, it's only in adults".
And I actually think kids are the most likely to feel that way,
because, not only are they depressed or anxious,
they don't actually understand what those emotions are.
"Depression is an illness and, as a condition,
it's part of the human condition, that's always been around
and what we need to do now is understand why so many young people are feeling depressed,
and clinically depressed.
What does that say about individuals, society, care, health,
and begin to unpick and address those issues."
I do believe that I'm better off now because I'm stronger,
but I think if it had been nipped in the bud sooner,
things would have been a lot different for me
and I would have done more things. I would feel more successful.
I would have accomplished a lot more than I believe I have now.
It is an emotion and it is a feeling,
but I've been on antidepressants for two years
because my brain can't produce enough of a chemical.
It's not me choosing to feel sad.
If you can solve a problem before it's spiralled out of control,
or not even solve a problem, but identify a problem,
you've started the journey to solving it.