YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THE OL' MONOLOGUE
SHOWER, RINSING OFF THE BIG NEWS OF THE DAY.
BUT WHILE I'M LOOFAH'ING THE THE LEAD STORIES, GETTING THEM
ALL SOAPY, SOMETIMES SMALLER BITS OF NEWS GRIME WASHES DOWN
THE BODY, COLLECTS IN THE DRAIN.
SO FROM TIME TO TIME, I HAVE TO PULL OUT MY JOKE SNAKE AND
DECLOG THE PIPE IN MY SEGMENT:
THANKS, EVERYBODY!
"MEANWHILE."
"MEANWHILE," PEOPLE HAVE MISSED IT.
MEANWHILE, WE NOW HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT "RUSSIA IS
USING TRAINED WHALES FOR SURVEILLANCE."
WHICH BRINGS US TO MY "MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT, "MEAN
WHALE."
LONG RUNNING.
( APPLAUSE )
WHEN THIS BELUGA WHALE WAS FOUND OFF NORWAY WEARING A STRANGE
CAMERA HARNESS WHICH WAS LABELED "EQUIPMENT OF ST. PETERSBURG."
THAT IS THE FINEST COVERT SPY-CRAFT SINCE JAMES BOND
LABELED ALL OF HIS SHIRTS "PROPERTY OF JAMES BOND, A SPY.
PLEASE RETURN TO MI-6."
RUSSIA HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN TO HAVE A MILITARY PROGRAM WHICH,
IN ADDITION TO BELUGAS, DOLPHINS AND SEALS WERE TRAINED TO CARRY
OUT TASKS.
BUT THE BELUGAS "DID NOT HAVE THE SAME "HIGH PROFESSIONALISM"
OF SEALS.
YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD DAY AT WORK WHEN YOU CAN'T MATCH THE
PROFESSIONALISM OF "BARK, BARK, BARK!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED THAT DUE TO IT'S SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE
NATURE, CONTESTANTS ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO WAGER $89
SCOOIN AS THEIR FINAL "JEOPARDY!" BETS.
WHICH SEEMS UNFAIR.
69 HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH "JEOPARDY!": IT'S VERY
CHALLENGING, AND IT PRODUCES A LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS.
APPARENTLY, IT'S JUST TOO SPICY FOR A FAMILY GAME SHOW.
SAME REASON THEY MADE ALEX TREBEK SHAVE HIS PORN-STACHE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"ALEX, WHAT IS 'YES, I DID ORDER A PIZZA, BUT HOW WILL I PAY FOR
IT?'" GREAT MAN.
MEANWHILE, IN RESPONSE TO FEAR- MONGERING REPORTS THIS WEEK,
"HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE REPORTING THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF A HERPES
OUTBREAK OR SPIKE AT COACHELLA" THIS YEAR.
I THINK IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT COACHELLA THAT IT'S NEWS WHEN
THERE WASN'T A HERPES OUTBREAK.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS FOUND AT A MACY'S IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY.
BUT AUTHORITIES ACTED QUICKLY, AND THE COUGAR WAS
"TRANQUILIZED, TAGGED, AND MOVED" BACK TO ITS NATURAL
HABITAT: J.C. PENNY.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WITH MINI FANNY PACKS ATTACHED TO THEM.
FANNY PACK-- THAT'S WHERE YOU KEEP THE CONDOM, BECAUSE IF
YOU'RE WEARING THESE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE KNOCKIN
CROCS.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT A TERRIBLE-- A TERRIBLE IDEA.
MEANWHILE, A "GYNECOLOGIST IS WARNING WOMEN NOT TO PUT
GARLIC IN THEIR VAGINA."
I MEAN, UNLESS EVERYONE AT THE DINNER HAS GARLIC, THEN NO ONE
REALLY NOTICES.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT?
APPARENTLY, SOME WOMEN DO THIS BECAUSE OF AN OLD WIVES' TALE
THAT IT WILL TREAT A YEAST INFECTION, JUST LIKE WOMEN HAVE
BEEN TOLD TO USE TEA BAGS FOR FERTILITY, OR BUNDLES OF HERBS
FOR TOXINS, OR WASP NESTS FOR REJUVENATION, JADE EGGS, STEAM,
AND EVEN GLITTER.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW PUBLIC SERVICE "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT,
"NO!
DON'T PUT THAT IN THERE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY.
( CHEERS )
POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS YONIC FAD: TONIGHT ON "NO!
DON'T PUT THAT IN THERE."
THE GARLIC THING I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT.
JUST, I GET IT.
IT KEEPS AWAY VAMPIRES.
BUT JUST DON'T.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINA APPLEGATE.