Hello I m Darren Magee and today s video comes from some different questions in and around the
same topic. Why do narcissistic people try to make their partners jealous? Is it deliberate?
Is there intent there? So in this video we're going to be looking at some of the common
characteristics and behaviours of narcissism, but I'm also going to be referring to some of the
research into jealousy inducing behaviours from narcissistic people. So if you like this video if
you find it helpful or interesting please consider subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder,
this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool
to be used to diagnose someone. So first of all, narcissism could be characterised by a grandiose
behaviour. There's a sense of entitlement, there's a lack of empathy, being highly disagreeable,
manipulative. There's been highly resistant or sensitive to criticism. And with narcissism
there are many variations. Now, more commonly, there's the grandiose, the overt narcissist, or
there s the vulnerable or the covert narcissist. And these subtypes of narcissism would be what's
known as social constructs and I have made videos previously on narcissistic personality disorder,
as well as videos on covert and vulnerable narcissism if you want to check those out. But
the narcissistic behaviours and traits they may be sub clinical meaning someone has very strong
narcissistic characteristics but not enough for a clinical diagnosis. It could also be a component
or could be comorbid with another mental health condition or personality disorder. They could
be on what's known as the Dark Triad, which are very strong traits of combination of psychopathy,
narcissism and Machiavellianism, which is the manipulation side of it. But again not enough
for a clinical diagnosis. But one way or another like most mental health conditions and personality
disorders, narcissism can be quite complex and many, there's many layers to it, and as much as
there can be recurring themes and behaviours and characteristics, there can also be exceptions as
well. I never think of it as a one size fits all. I tend to think about like a spectrum.
There's many different colours, many different shades and many different levels of intensity.
When it comes to jealousy, I think there can be a healthy level of jealousy in a relationship. You
think of two people, you know, showing each other how important they are to each other.
I will not be seeing other people I don't want you seeing another people. Our relationship
is mutually exclusive. But when it comes to narcissism, it's very nature tends to be quite
destructive. It tends to destroy things from the inside, and when it can no longer do that,
it tends to try and destroy from the outside. But that process in itself can be quite self
destructive. Which is why it can seem quite counterintuitive why someone would want to
induce jealousy in their relationship. Especially if it brings about the end of the relationship.
Which does ask the question, Is jealousy inducing behaviour is impulsive? Is it emotionally driven,
poorly thought out, or is it a tactic, a strategy towards something else? Which does suggest intent.
There is manipulation, you know. So is there real intent? Is there a purpose for it? Again,
in any relationship, someone can recognise someone else is attractive. It doesn't go any further than
that. They may even comment on how attractive someone else is, but again, it doesn't go any
further than that. But with induced jealousy, what we would often see is someone talking non
stop about someone they find attractive. We may see flirting, inappropriate relationships with
others such as work colleagues. There, there's treating the partner as if they don't really
matter, as if they are easily replaceable. There's comparing their partners unfavourably to others,
comparing them to ex partners, or even other people s partners. There can be infidelity, there
can be cheating. But according to the research, which I will reference in the video description,
narcissistic people have five jealousy inducing motives, and the first motive is to acquire
power and control. Now narcissistic people do tend to try to dominate and control and
I think that that behaviour can be triggered when they themselves feel jealous of something
or someone in relation to their partner. The relationship threatening behaviour that
they induce can be to try and re establish some sense of powerbase, some kind of status quote.
Secondly, there is to exact revenge. Now this is similar to the first motive. Now you think
about it, narcissistic people are quite easily emotionally wounded and can be quite vindictive.
Some of these slights may be real, may be imagined. They may be completely out of context,
or out of proportion. For example, if you had a previous relationship, they may continually
remind you that their previous relationship was so much better than yours. It's even better than the
relationship they have with you at the moment. Motive number three, to test or to strengthen
the relationship. Now jealousy is what we feel when we fear losing someone to someone else, so
perhaps by, say, having a very strong plutonic relationship with, say a work colleague, you know
talking about them all the time, he did this, she said that, let's go there and they said they went
it was great , talking like that, behaving like that all the time that could induce jealousy in
a partner. Now when the partner brings us up or says they feel it's inappropriate or
they feel uncomfortable or even their just sick to death of hearing about that person,
the narcissist is able to point out that they re just friends, you know, the partner is crazy. They
re reading too much into this, they re far too possessive. Motive number four, seeking security.
With narcissism they may see someone or they may claim someone is attracted to them, made a move
on him offered to buy them a drink or something. Then they watch as their partner gets jealous,
angry, upset and they now feel a sense of security they feel reassured that the partner cares enough
to get upset. They don't want to lose them to someone else. And lastly, the fifth motive,
to compensate for low self esteem. Now low self esteem is very common with narcissism. There
is an inability to regulate emotion and this can lead them maladaptive problematic behaviours, and
sometimes I think the belief is that they feel better when they feel better than others.
But what we see with these five motives are two different categories,
two different categories of jealousy inducing behaviours. One is offensive. That's the need
to control the dominate and are seeking revenge. The second category is defensive, the testing,
the strengthening relationship, seeking security, reassurance and compensating for low self esteem.
Given my current understanding of narcissism, and when I say current understanding,
I do think it's always helpful to be open to new information and new research, I think
overt or grandiose narcissists would lean more towards the offensive because there's low self
esteem and insecurity, but that is hidden behind arrogance and the need to dominate.
So they would be more offensive in nature. That being said, there are always exceptions.
With vulnerable narcissism, what we see is again low self esteem and insecurity, but it manifests
itself through depression, helplessness, shyness and uncertainty. With vulnerable narcissism I
intend to think that they would go through all of the motives, but they would be a bit more chaotic
or haphazard. But either way both categories are manipulative and detrimental to the partner and to
the relationship. Inducing jealousy once may cause a problem in a relationship, but those
problems can be overcome through open dialogue and understanding, but to continually behave like this
to continually have the partner feeling insecure, unimportant can ultimately end the relationship.
So is jealousy inducing behaviour deliberate? Now whether it s thought out, planned out,
or just impulsive I think it comes down to the individual. It comes down to the situation. Again,
many of our motives and many of our behaviours, and narcissists included,
many of them are unconscious, they re driven by emotions, they are learned behaviours.
With narcissism there may be that intent to hurt. There may be that intend to dominate and control.
With narcissism what we often see is a lack of insight, a lack of empathy and a difficulty
regulating emotions. But a lack of empathy doesn't mean no empathy. For example, when a narcissist
behaves in a way that creates jealousy, maybe it's because there is enough insight to recognise that
this would cause them to feel jealous if it were to happen to them. Now, that would be what's known
as cognitive, sometimes referred to as dark empathy. But it's not necessarily an emotional
empathy, or even having enough insight to recognise to continue with that behaviour, they're
going to end up losing everything. Eventually the partner will leave. There will have had
enough they will stop caring. So that s a brief outline of the five motives behind narcissistic
jealousy inducing behaviours. Now please feel free to add any ideas or experiences in the
comment box below, there are some interesting conversations starting around these videos.
But if you liked this video if you found it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel
for future updates on mental health related topics and until next time thanks for watching.