WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYONE WATCHING
FROM LOW OVER IT TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ONLY
APRIL 12TH 2023, THE 2024 ELECTION IS STILL 573 DAYS AWAY.
SO LET'S GET INTO IT. TODAY, SO JUST TODAY, LAST NIGHT
WE LEARNED THAT CHICAGO WILL HOST THE HOST THE 2024
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION! COME ON, BABY!
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW? THIS IS GREAT NEWS BECAUSE
CHICAGO IS MY TOWN, BABY! I LOVE THE PEOPLE, THE LAKE, THE
PIZZA, LOOKS LIKE AN ABOVEGROUND POOL!
I LOVE ANY PLACE WHERE IT'S OKAY TO PUBLICLY UTTER THE PHRASE I
WANT MY BEEF WET. I WANT MY BEEF WET ACTUALLY.
OF COURSE, THIS WILL NOT BE THE WINDY CITY'S FIRST DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION. CHICAGO IS FAMOUSLY WHERE THE
DNC DEVOLVED INTO THE MOST DISTURBING SCENES OF POLITICAL
CHAOS IN HISTORY. OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
1996 DNC BRUTAL MACARENA. ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WASH
MARK THEY ALSO TRY THAT AT THE C BUT THE DELEGATES WERE
IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED. SPEAKING -- I KNOW, SAD, IT'S
VERY SAD. AND SPEAKING OF CHICAGO, IRELAND
WHERE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON A DIPLOMATIC VISIT AND AS SOON AS
HE LANDED IN DUBLIN, BIDEN SHOWED OFF HIS GIFT OF GAB
SHOWING OFF TO FIREFIGHTERS WITH THIS STORY.
>> SAVED MY LIFE, SAVE MY WIFE. MY CAT.
AND MY CORVETTE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YO, LET ME TELL YOU, YOU GUYS ARE THE
GREATEST, YOU FOLKS SAVED EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS, LIFE,
WIFE, CORVETTE. LITTLE MR. FEBRUARY SAYS NOW
COME ON THE OF ROOM, ROOM, GREAT TO SEE YO, GOT TO GO MEET THE
KING OF THE LEPRECHAUNS AND GO STEAL HIS LUCKY CHARMS.
BE RIGHT BACK. I WAS GONE FOR AMENDMENT.
WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE? WELL, IS THERE TO MARK THE
ANNIVERSARY OF THE GOOD FRIDAY AGREEMENT AND IN
MANY WAYS A PERSONL TRIP TO A PLACE HE LOVES AND IT TURNS OUT
A FORMER PRESIDENT IS ALSO IN HIS HAPPY PLACE.
APPARENTLY ON FOX NEWS LAST NIGHT, THE FORMER SAT DOWN WITH
TUCKER CARLSON WHO THINKS TWO REVELATIONS FROM THE DOMINION
LAWSUIT WE NOW KNOW HATES THE PRESIDENT PASSIONATELY.
PRIVATELY TEXTING THAT HE IS A DEMONIC FORCE.
HARSH. ACCURATE WORDS.
BUT LET'S SEE HOW TUCKER REFERRED TO THE DEMON LAST
NIGHT. >> FOR A MAN WHO'S CARICATURED
AS AN EXTREMIST, YOU THINK WHAT HE'LL FIND HE HAS TO SAY
MODERATE, SENSIBLE, AND WISE. >> Stephen: THAT.
THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE FLIP-FLOP. MANY CARICATURE CTHULHU AS A
PREVIEW LOCALITY AND MONSTROSITY EMERGE FROM
THE BRINY DEEP TO DEVOUR MAN'S MIND BUT YOU WILL FIND HIS FACEE
MODERATE AND A CHANCE TO BRING AMERICA TOGETHER WITH HIS
MAW OF MADNESS. THE EX-PRESIDENT RAMBLED ABOUT A
LOT OF SUBJECTS LIKE THE WITHDRAWAL FROM AFGHANISTAN.
HE ATTACKED BIDEN'S DECISION-MAKING AND UNVEILED A
BRAND-NEW MILITARY ADVISOR. >> I DID A LITTLE SKIT WITH A
5-YEAR-OLD AND I SAID LET ME ASK YOU, HERE'S THE SITUATION AND
EXPLAIN THE SITUATION. WHEN YOU TAKE THE MILITARY OUT
FIRST OR WOULD YOU TAKE IT OUT LAST?
I TOOK IT OUT LAST. 5-YEAR-OLD.
>> Stephen: TOTALLY -- [LAUGHTER]
TOTALLY NORMAL CONVERSATION TO HAVE WITH A 5-YEAR-OLD.
WE ALL HAD THOSE CONVERSATIONS. REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS
DR. SEUSS BOOK " ONE FISH, TWO FISH, REDFISH, WHY DIDN'T
JOHNSON SEE THE TET OFFENSIVE COMING?"
HE HARPED ON THE DANGERS OF NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION.
AND SPEAK OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WE HAVE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
IT'S NUCLEAR ONE. >> THEY NOW CONTROL OUR ARSENAL.
THEY DON'T SEEM WORRIED ABOUT THIS.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND LIFE, THEY DO NOT
UNDERSTAND WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: THAT IS A BROAD --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH.
THAT'S A FAIRLY ALL-ENCOMPASSING PHILOSOPHY.
THOSE ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE WORDS RENE DESCARTES, I THINK,
THEREFORE I UNDERSTAND WHATEVER IT IS I HAVE TO THINK.
THERE IS NEWS ABOUT AMERICA'S FAVORITE TOPICS, GUNS.
IT TURNS OUT A POPULAR HANDGUN, P320 PISTOL FIRES WITHOUT ANYONE
PULLING THE TRIGGER. FINALLY, HANDS-FREE FIREARMS.
IT SET MY ALARM TO GO OFF AT 6:00 A.M. AND SET MY GUN TO
SHOOT MY ALARM. SHE'S ON IT.
UNLIKE A LOT OF OTHER HANDGUNS ON THE MARKET, IT HAS NO
EXTERNAL SAFETIES TO PREVENT IT FROM FIRING IN CASES OF
MALFUNCTION, IN OTHER WORDS IT'S BASICALLY COCKED AT ALL TIMES.
ALSO THE NAME OF A POPULAR PORNHUB CHANNEL.
NO, DON'T ENCOURAGE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NO! SIRI, ERASE SEARCH HISTORY.
I'M SORRY TOO. IT TURNS OUT A GUN THAT'S ALWAYS
READY TO FIRE IS A BAD IDEA, BUT INSISTING THAT GUNS ARE NOT A
PROBLEM. THE RESPONSE TO PUBLIC
QUESTIONS, THEY OFFERED A FEW DEFENSES INCLUDING UNINTENTIONAL
DISCHARGES ARE NOT UNCOMMON AND THEY INCUR WITH SEVERAL TYPES OF
FIREARMS BESIDES THE P320. THAT'S NOT A GREAT DEFENSE.
LOOK, I KNOW OUR GAS STATION HOT DOGS BECAUSE VIOLENT
INTESTINAL DISTRESS, BUT TO BE FAIR, MOST GAS STATION HOT DOGS
CAUSE VIOLENT INTESTINAL DISTRESS.
IF YOU WANT MINE, YELPED UP PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD -- OH, GOT
TO GO, GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO. [CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]
JOE BIDEN JUST HERE? WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?
SO, THERE SOME DEFECTIVE GUNS OUT THERE.
ALL THE GOVERNMENT HAS TO DO IS RECALL THEM, RIGHT?
HA HA, NO. IT TURNS OUT FIREARMS ARE THEY
WON FEW PRODUCTS EXEMPT FROM FEDERAL CONSUMER PRODUCTS A FEW
REGULATIONS. BY DOING THAT, THEY ARE
ADMITTING THAT BY THE EXISTENCE OF A GUN, WE ARE THROWING OUR
HANDS IN THE WHOLE SAFETY THINGS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER PRODUCTS
HAVE BEEN RECALLED FOR LESSER REASONS THAN SPONTANEOUS
SHOOTING PEOPLE. IN 2013, A TOY CHICKEN WAS
RECALLED FOR BEING TOO LOUD. IN 1998, PENCILS WITH THE SLOGAN
"TOO COOL TO DO DRUGS" BECAUSE WHEN SHARPENED, THE MESSAGE
BECAME COOL TO DO DRUGS AND SIMPLY DO DRUGS.
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER] THAT'S WRONG, THAT'S WRONG.
NO, NO. TO BE FAIR, IF YOU DO A WHOLE
PENCILS WORTH OF MATH PROBLEMS, YOU EARN IT.
SPEAKING OF GUNS, WE HAVE AN UPDATE FROM TENNESSEE.
YOU RECALL LAST THURSDAY THEY EXPELLED TWO DEMOCRATS, JUSTIN
JONES AND JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSON FOR IT USING A MEGAPHONE ON THE
HOUSE FLOOR IN SUPPORT OF AN ANTI-GUN PROTEST THEATER MONDAY
EVENING, THE METROPOLITAN NATIONAL COUNCIL UNANIMOUSLY
VOTED TO APPOINT JONES BACK TO HIS SEAT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH, BABY!
WHICH IS PRETTY GREAT. THAT IS PRETTY NICE, ESPECIALLY
NOW BECAUSE HE'S TECHNICALLY A NEW MEMBER, JONES CAN FILE UP TO
15 BILLS AND HE HAS SAID THAT EACH OF THOSE BILLS HAVE TO DO
WITH GUN REFORM. YES.
EXCEPT FOR HIS FIRST ONE. A FEW HOURS AGO, THE OTHER
SURPRISE MEMBER OF THE TENNESSEE LEGISLATURE JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSON
WAS ALSO REINSTATED. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S PRETTY NICE. THAT BREAKING HEADLINE AGAIN,
JUSTIN, JUST IN. WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF JUSTIN JAYNE
PIERSON AFTER HE WAS VOTED BACK IN BY THE COUNTY OF BOARD OF
COMMISSIONERS. >> GET BACK TO WORK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: NOW I'M NO BODY
LANGUAGE EXPERT, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
EXCITED THERE. SO GOOD WORK, TENNESSEE
REPUBLICANS, YOU DID IN SILENCE THESE GUYS.
THEY'RE STILL IN LEGISLATURE, YOU MADE THEM HEROES OF A
MOVEMENT AND A NATIONAL POLITICAL FIGURES.
I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT IN FAVOR OF GUN REFORM, BECAUSE YOU
JUST SHOT YOURSELF IN THE NUTS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS, OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR
STEVEN YEUN AND JOAN BAEZ! AND WHEN WE COME BACK!