No, no, I tried using the bidet, but I can’t get a straight answer on whether to wipe before or after.
If I wipe before, then I got this paper-mache thing going on, but you go after and it’s
like you’re rubbing a tissue across a wet muffin.
I mean, what are we doing here?
Wait, are we talking about those cool water fountains in our bathrooms?
Psst, psst...
Hey Brittnay.
Alright, what’d you guys find?
Well, we followed Saison like you asked us to-
And did you get any proof that she’s lying about her French parents?
Well, as it turns out, she’s a lot harder to follow than we thought.
Why the fuck were you guys going back and forth so much?
She kept forgetting stuff.
Ok, well, what the fuck happened?
Um, we got a little bit distracted.
Excuse me, I’m looking for my daughter.
Have you seen her?
No, sorry.
Nope, haven’t seen her.
Thank you.
Oh goddamit, Judith, we lost her!
Aw piss in my pants!
What?
Y’know, I mean like, “dammit”.
Well then just say dammit, Judith.
Ok, dammit.
C’mon, let’s go get called fucking idiots by Brittnay.
You fucking idiots.
Don’t worry, Britt, we’ll pick back up with her and figure out where she’s going tomorrow.
Oh you fucking better! I want the truth!
Uh Britt, while we’ve got you here, there’s a little matter of our payment.
You’ll get your money when you get the job done, goddamit!
You see, this is what I’m saying about getting paid up front, Rach!
Yes, thank you Judith, why don’t you go piss in your pants again?
Oh ha ha.
Good morning models.
Good morning.
I hope you all got some rest last night, because we’ve got a lot of training to do,
and the competition starts tomorrow.
Jeanie, I don’t get it.
We’re already hot.
What other training do we need?
You goddamn ignorant bitch.
Being a model isn’t about just being hot. Anybody can be hot.
Fucking weather girls are hot.
Hot gets you a job firing a tshirt cannon at a Clippers game.
Models are impossible.
I’m gonna teach you how to be so goddamn attractive that when people see you,
they're gonna fucking hate themselves.
Your job is to set such an impossible standard of beauty that when normals see you in these
designer clothes, they say to themselves,
“Oh my god, maybe if I wear those clothes, I’ll look as beautiful as her,”
even though they’ll always be the same chubby little rat people they were before.
Don’t worry, Jeanie, we won’t let you down.
You guys need to pay attention, ok?
This is fucking serious!
Do you guys want to win this thing or not?
Yeah, yeah.
Alright! Jeanie, we’re ready.
Ok, well we’ll start by training one of the harder disciplines: the photoshoot.
Yeah!
Hi there!
Wink!
Good, good. I like what I see.
Give me pouty.
Give me ravenous!
Great, ok next!
Ok, that’s good, that’s good.
Own that stage.
You are an impossibly beautiful woman!
Great!
Ok, next!
Ok, good, give me another one.
OK, pretty good, a little too much butthole though.
Pfft, as if you can have too much butthole.
Nice, manly!
Show me your desire!
Great! Great!
Ok, now that is way too much butthole!
Pfft, as if you can have too much butthole.
Right?
Ok, that’s a little awkward.
Try something else with your arms.
Um, ok. Alright.
What the- no!
Ok, try bending your legs.
Oh, easy, no problem!
Oh god!
Trisha, try something like this!
Oh, um, ok.
[Straining] Am I doing beautiful?
Alright, stop!
Stop!
How many of you have difficulties with the whole bending of your arms?
Uh, right here.
I cannot.
Nope.
Never felt the need.
Jesus Christ, it’s the 90s all over again.
Ok well, you five are definitely not doing photoshoots.
Huh, I never realized I had that problem.
Hi Mom!
No yeah, really fun!
Psst...Cameron!
Cameron!
Hey look, some old rich guy!
Huh?!
Goddamit Shay, what are you doing here?
I just came to check on this shitshow.
Pretty fucking stupid, right?
Uh no Shay, it’s actually pretty fucking cool.
It’s gonna be a great opportunity for me.
Oh really?
Don’t you think it’s fucking bullshit they won’t let me on the team?
I’m like way hotter than some of these girls.
Trisha can’t even bend her fucking arms.
Mom!
Mom, I can’t hear you!
Mom!
Listen Shay, I’m sorry that you can’t come to terms with your fucking dogface,
but we’ve all registered for the competition already, and there’s like no room for anybody else.
So go- um, I don’t know, like lick a bowl or whatever it is you do.
Just like go.
Alright? Get the fuck out of here.
Cameron!
Coming!
Goddamit.
Welcome to the club.
What?
What the fuck does that mean?
We heard what happened.
Sounds like we’re all in the same boat.
Yeah, wanna come hang out with us?
No, I’m not gonna hang out with you.
I’m fucking Shay Van Buren!
You two are losers who look like you just beat cancer yesterday.
What does that even mean?
I don’t know, it means you’re poor and ugly, and I’m not gonna hang out with you.
Now get the fuck away from me.
Hey!
You just got called dogface and got told to lick a bowl.
So when you come down from that high horse, me and Judith'll be at the bistro down the street.
Daaaaammmmmnnnn!
Bitch.
Goddamit, I fucking hate France.
Alright, let’s move on to swimsui-
Actually, you know what, we’re late for our fitting.
Our fitting for what?
Well, I’m teaching you how to look like models,
so I’m also gonna need you to dress like models.
Where are we going?
We are going to a place where dreams come true.
OH...MY...GOD!
I just came.
Ah, me too…oh hey, look at all these clothes.
Welcome to Chez Pepe’s, the most exclusive designer fashion house in the world!
I understand this is the Team USA modeling squad.
That’s correct, Francois.
Well then congratulations, for today, you dress with the gods.
Not too fucking bad.
Alright, I’m gonna go check us out.
Wow girls, we look great!
Shay, what the fuck are you doing here?!
Look, we all know eventually I’m gonna join the team.
Let’s just stop delaying the inevitable and put me on the squad right now.
God, this is so sad.
Shay, for the last time, you cannot be on the team.
C’mon, you guys need me.
Besides, I have a plan for how we can beat the French team!
What plan?
Ok, get this, before the competition, we put ex-lax in the other models’ pre-competition energy drinks.
Ugh!
Jesus Christ, Shay.
What?
That’s a good plan!
It’s the same fucking plan you always have Shay!
It’s what you did to us before Prom!
It’s what you wanted to do to the hipsters before the fucking football game!
Every fucking time it’s the same goddamn plan!
Seriously, go get some new ideas and while you’re at it, get a new fucking face you Rottweiler!
[Barking]
Oh, I’ll show you.
I’ll show all of you!
Bonjour!
Ooh fondue’s here!
Goddamit.
The last thing I want to do is eat cheese with either of you.
I get farty!
I know!