- Hey, Subway, I have a question.
What the (beep) happened?
You used to be good, man.
- Now the only people who ever go
to Subway are doing it to punish themselves.
Did you just start sucking ass or did it naturally happen?
- Aren't you embarrassed to Subway?
Aren't you ashamed?
- We talk because we care Subway, but we here
at Smosh have some genius ideas
on how to spring you back up to the top.
- Subway. Let us fix you.
(dramatic music)
Okay Subway, your first problem, the food's not very good
and you're a restaurant, so that's like your whole thing.
You got a lot of press for your bread
being made outta the same ingredients
as yoga mats and having so much sugar
it's technically cake.
But here's a solution.
Start saying it's cake.
Sure, this is an unhealthy sandwich
but it's got lettuce and tomato in it
so it's technically the healthiest cake anyone's ever eaten.
And 100% of people would rather eat cake than bread.
Bam, you're a bakery now.
Also, start using the bread to have yoga classes.
You're in a strip mall and there's a place
that has yoga classes and sells cake.
I'm sorry.
Are you a white woman's wet dream?
Bam, fixed!
- Let's get real Subway.
You don't have a mascot.
You had one from 1998 to 2007
and that one didn't pan out very well now did it?
And ever since then, you've had these athletes
in your commercials that you know spit out your sandwich
the moment the director calls cut.
What you need is a character.
A fantastical dude that can't be indicted or canceled
somebody that your demographic understands.
It's Cam, the sentient bucket full of zesty Ranch.
Cam is funny, but in a dry way.
He's divorced but he doesn't let that define him
and his stomach (beep)ing hurts.
Also, he's got a sick catchphrase.
- Subway's open? Color me enthused.
- That's (beep)ing poggers.
Also, instead of getting skinnier, Cam actually gets bigger
and bigger and bigger until he engulfs an entire state.
As you can see, he's different from your old mascot
in every way Imaginable.
Problem solved.
- Remember that annoying $5 foot long song?
Well, I'm proposing a new song to get stuck
in people's heads and make you want Subway
which is a lot to ask a song to do, but I'm sucking it
up outta the kindness of my asshole to write this song
and to help your little company.
♪ Subway, get on the train ♪
♪ To yum ♪
Try getting that outta your head, bitch
(laughs)
- Subway, every time I walk inside of you
there's only one employee in there who's clearly paused
a Clash of Clans game on their phone
to slowly saunter up to me to help me with my sandwich.
But by the time he is there, I've already been standing
for two minutes thinking, is there anybody in here?
Am I supposed to be in here?
Should I just rob the place?
No, that's a problem.
And to fix that, we propose ingredient captains.
One captain whose only job is to operate one ingredient.
You have a bread captain.
A tuna fish captain.
A lettuce captain.
A mayonnaise captain.
And the cookies, they're different.
Every cookie flavor gets a special flavor czar.
Look at that.
That's 20 to 30 people
in one subway to help you with your sandwich.
A midsize party in every subway.
Imagine the possibilities.
(disco music) (beatboxing)
Next!
- You wanna know why you're fartin' everything up?
There are too many locations.
You are cheapening your stock
and no one is excited to see you.
You're too thirsty.
Close all the subways except one.
Make that subway the biggest building in the entire world.
People will travel to see you.
They'll make trips, they'll take photos.
You will be the Willy Wonka of lunch.
Isn't that (beep)ing exciting?
You can even make theme parks too, and have rides
like the Meatball Car, Toaster Coaster,
Hams Revenge.
It's not just a place people go to when McDonald's is busy.
It's a different reality entirely.
And I want to live there.
I wanna drive a meatball car,
squishy and round and saucy.
(engine revving) Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- With our suggestions in place
your business will look a little something like this.
- [All] Welcome to Subway.
- Thanks.
I drove four days from Florida to get
to this one location and waited in line for six hours.
I can't get that song outta my head.
♪ Get on the train ♪
♪ To yum ♪
May I please have one sweet onion
chicken teriyaki sandwich please
on whole wheat bread please?
And can you write happy birthday Donny on the bread, please?
It's for my son's birthday party.
(bell dings)
- Yes.
(gentle music)
(bell dings)
- Thanks Subway.
- Subways open color beer.
- Oh my God.
(everyone screams)
- You're welcome, Subway.
Let us know what other businesses you want us to fix.
- And we'll fix them.
(intense music)
- Bus out of that thing.
- Hell yeah, I am.
- Okay, let's...
- I'm sorry.
Are you a wet woman's white dream?
A white woman's wet dream!
Ah!
- That's (beep)ing poggers.
So...
(laughing)
- I wanna ride the Toaster Coaster.
I wanna be burnt and I want Cams Revenge in my ass.
Sorry.