"It became more than a game in time. It’s something we share with our families, friends." - Xkutu
I'm naturally a shy person.
So I started folding balloons.
I got really into it
and made a lot of friends through it.
I'm writing a paper on disrupted identity.
Simply put, it's when an ordered and predictable life gets thrown into chaos through, quite frankly, anything.
- Matt's spirit animal is definitely a bear. - But a hibernating bear.
Like a bear that's just lazy and just wants to chill and eat and...
- Play video games. - Yeah, play video games.
Live/Play Who We Are
A Happy Thing Taipei City, Taiwan
I'm naturally a shy person.
After grad school I thought I would work with a job in history.
But I thought to myself, living like this is too boring.
What would you like?
A weapon? Bang bang bang bang!
So I started folding balloons.
I got really into it and made a lot of friends through it.
Can you tell what kind of weapon this is?
Because of this work
you're around a lot of kids.
You might have to lead them to do activities
you might have to perform onstage
you might have to face a large crowd.
But after doing this, I realized
this isn't as intimidating as I thought.
So you're a balloon folding professional, right?
Right, I've folded balloons for the LMS matches before.
Oh, oh, right, I've seen you before, I've seen you before, was it--the playoffs?
Right.
So do you learn these all before or do you just do it in the moment?
I do it in the moment.
Hey, this looks more like--- more like Baron's--
It's more like Baron's tentacle.
Thank you.
-We have to leave first, bye bye. -Okay, bye bye.
A little boy came with his mom to me.
He wanted to pick a balloon.
He said he wanted Lee Sin.
At that time I was like, did I hear that wrong?
A boy from elementary school wants a League of Legends champion?
So I told him
"Then I'll make Muay Thai Lee Sin for you, okay?"
After making Lee Sin, I felt my confidence increase greatly
so I decided to make more champions.
These things take a long time to make.
Sona takes 2 to 3 hours.
When you release the air from the balloon it makes a
(sound from mouth)
And when balloons explode they go
(pop sound from mouth)
But right now I rarely have them explode.
I've become skilled.
What makes these balloons come out well is passion.
Clients might send me a picture and ask me to make something
and of course I'll make it, but it may not have the same spirit.
When I finish a balloon, I am very satisfied. It's not just here you go, it's done.
But it's like, wow, this is amazing.
I think balloons essentially are a happy thing.
And playing League of Legends is also a happy thing.
Combined together, of course it's a happy thing!
"These people who have never met me can tell you more about me than
the people who are seeing me face to face every day of my life." - Rein VII
Rodger's Thesis Tacoma, Washington
My name's Rodger.
I'm a senior at a university up in the Pacific Northwest.
I climb
I read
I play League of Legends.
I do all sorts of things but the things I do aren't who I am.
So who am I?
Well, we'll get to that.
For me, League of Legends was like a PBE for my own identity.
So when I heard about a chance for players to share their stories
I knew I wanted to tell mine.
As part of my senior thesis, I'm writing a paper on disrupted identity
and how an online community such as League of Legends
can interact with one's identity.
Disrupted identity is like
it's like if everyone's a ball of clay
then the disruptions are like the bumps and depressions
that mold us different from other clay balls.
Simply put, it's when an ordered and predictable life
gets thrown into chaos through, quite frankly, anything.
On a micro scale, we can talk about that mid laner who DCed, throwing your game.
That's a disruption in the game itself.
But the disruption I am looking for
lies within the lives and the identity of others.
I recorded audio with people to see if League had an impact.
My thesis is about their answers, but it's kind of about me.
I did dozens of interviews and heard all sorts of stories.
I started almost all of them the same way.
- Well, first, do you want to introduce yourself? - Sure, my name is Grace.
I'm 5'2 and a half? 2 and a half inches, yes.
I have dark brown eyes and dark brown hair.
Almost everyone starts off talking about what they are.
So, if I describe myself that way
Um
You're wearing a plaid shirt.
I'm white.
You have, like, short blondish hair.
Reddish brown hair.
You're very, like, color matching today.
I'd like to say I'm funny, too, but who knows?
I am a very over-the-top, extroverted, tall person.
Physically, I'm pretty short so I'm like 5'6"
and like 130, 130 pounds. Pretty just slim.
I am a nice person that enjoys playing video games.
I am a deaf person.
Using these normative shorthands: I'm white, I'm straight, I'm funny
can make us more susceptible to disruptions because
we don't anticipate something chaotic happening.
It's like when you're a support main, you identify as support.
You expect to pretty much always get support.
but then new champ select throws you into mid.
When I'm listening to their stories, I'm also making sense of them.
Metaphors help me understand what I'm hearing.
They help me shape an end to part of my own thesis.
Once we go beyond the basics, the physical stuff
they share more about the deeper parts of their identity
even revealing the disruptions helping shape it.
I spoke with Grace--being a girl online comes with certain disruptions.
Although I'm comfortable with
revealing my pictures online
or saying I'm a girl.
If I say I'm a girl every time
I might attract attention that I don't want.
Being a girl has an impact on how other gamers identify Grace
how Grace identifies herself, and even behaves.
To say that these disruptions, the things that make us feel different
don't impact our identity is naive.
- Yeah, I have a visual disability. - Uh huh.
- It's not your typical visual disability. I see--I have double vision.
When Aaron was 12 years old he was diagnosed with brain cancer on his optic nerve.
- I am 26 now. - 26.
Yeah, I've lived over half my life with double vision.
I mean, that's--It's who I am.
I'll never not see double and I'm okay with that.
As the people I interview become more comfortable
we talk more about how League impacts their identities.
Like how they can be themselves without feeling disrupted.
Do you think that being a girl matters when you're playing League of Legends?
No, I don't think so. Because gender really doesn't matter.
It's just your ability to do well.
That's not a gender specific thing.
And I feel like people forget about who they are
physically and just they become their character in-game.
I don’t feel deaf while playing LoL.
I mean, it’s all about visuals and
I don’t feel handicapped while playing the game.
I'd say for people like me, who aren't really that social, it's great.
Like some of these people that have never met me probably could tell you
more about me than the people that are seeing me face-to-face
every day of my life.
I wonder sometimes, what it means that my friends online know so much more
about me than my own family.
As I listen to these interviews, I stumble across my talk with Sky.
I'd hoped that he would talk about his own disrupted identity
but we ended up talking about champion fan fiction instead.
It was really the voice that made me feel that he might be a homosexual.
I have a quick question for you.
Do I sound gay?
No. You don't sound gay.
You sound like somebody who has a pantry.
Who has gravy with their Thanksgiving dinner.
You sound very white and that's okay!
But not gay.
Yeah, okay. But I am gay.
- And-- - Are you?
Oh, by the way, I'm gay.
- Yeah. - Ayyy!
But only when it doesn't hurt me to be.
I'm listening for everybody's stories, but really
I'm looking for people like me, finding themselves on the internet.
League of Legends was a space where I could be anything.
And unlike my offline life, I just decided to be me.
I feel lucky that I am deaf because
I see a different perspective
It helped create who I am.
Some stories will have happy endings, right?
I'm an open book, I have nothing to hide
because I feel like my story in general is a
is a really good story because, I mean
I was 12 years old and I, I beat cancer.
I told you it changed who I was. I was a jerk, I was a bully
and it turned me into a giant softy.
I really enjoy making sure people are, are happy.
Words are really difficult right now, I'm sorry.
The massive disruption of the cancer on Aaron's identity changed him
in a meaningful way. Changed how he saw the world.
When it comes to my own disrupted identity
I'm learning more even as I'm listening to the other stories.
And it's hard.
So, I'm gay like I said.
Most people that know me, know.
Everyone online knows.
- But my parents don't know. - Oh man.
- You look really worried about that. - I'm pretty worried about that.
- Are you getting emotional? - I'm always emotional.
Yeah.
Through these interviews, this journey
I've come to realize I need to find a way to mediate my own disruptions.
No matter what, you should know
League of Legends community, me
everyone, all these gamers, we have your back.
That's who we are, you know?
- That's really comforting. - Genuinely.
Right now my identity is an online identity.
A League identity. Where it isn't a disruption.
So who am I?
It's not what I am, or what I was supposed to be
but what my experiences have been.
Who I am online and hopefully offline.
"We are what we do for our friends." - Coloombiano
Left Behind Houston, Texas
The thing about Matt is that--
The best part about Matt is like--I dont know how to explain it
I guess we're best friends.
I'd consider Matt a best friend.
Like literally best friends.
Matt's spirit animal is definitely a bear.
But a hibernating bear.
Not not like an active bear like--
A koala bear.
- Here we go. - That's what it is.
I think a panda bear would be more fit because it's bigger.
- That's true. - Yeah let's do panda bear.
Like a bear that's lazy and just wants to chill and eat and...
- Play video games. - Yeah, play video games.
He's had the same computer for like, I don't know, 200 years.
It would overheat and then just give up.
No, it would make a weird creepy noise, you remember?
Yeah.
And then it would kill.
It got worse and worse to a point where he was like
when a team fight happened, his FPS would go to like 2.
He'd be like, "Oh boy, here comes the slideshow!"
He'd be like, "Alright, I'm going to do the combo."
And he would say like, "I'm going to do the combo like I can actually see what's going on."
So he'd be like W-Q-R!
Did I hit it? Did I hit it? Did I hit it?
(laughter)
It got to a point, he was like, "I can't play League with you, Chris."
We're just going to lose, I'm not going to be able to do anything.
Like, I don't want to bring your LP down.
I can't even play Hearthstone.
The FPS was so bad on that laptop that he couldn't even play Hearthstone at the lowest graphic settings.
It was so bad.
I don't think it ever actually stopped us from playing with him.
The only thing that stopped us from playing was when he would get off.
Because, it would be like "Hey Matt, play with us."
He's like, "You know you don't understand. My computer will not even open the client."
And I'm like, "I don't care." And he's like, "No, you don't understand."
The reason why we wanted him to play with us was because
we had just missed playing League with him.
We missed his presence.
He got left behind computer-wise because he just didn't have the money to buy one.
I was like, "Okay, I got to do something about this."
I was like, "I'm going to get him a graphics card or something for his birthday."
And then I told Esteban and Esteban was like
"Well, why don't we just all do that?" - Why don't we just get him the whole thing?
Like why don't we just--
Ask everybody to pitch in and just get him the whole computer.
Esteban brought all the parts to my house
I built it
and then the next day, they were like, "We're going to come by at this time.
Make sure it's ready."
Matt's birthday.
The day of his birthday, the computer was at Mason's house.
So that day was kind of a mess because of course we were with Matt the entire time.
So we had to figure out how are we going to get away from Matt
to drive to his house
to set up the computer and then meet him at the restaurant.
The hard part was getting away.
Yeah, and we're like, "We're going to go pick up Mason."
Matt was like, "Why don't-- Can I come with you?"
I was like, "No, no, no. You need to go get the table."
We picked up Mason
got the computer, and drove to Matt's house
and the entire time, he was like, you know, "Where are you guys? What's going on?"
"Bro, where you at? Where are you?"
- I told him-- - That Mason was in a ranked game.
So we were like, "Oh we had to-- We have to wait for Mason to finish his game."
We had to completely set up the entire computer. It needed to be ready to go, so we had to set everything up.
We were like, "Okay, we got to go."
After the restaurant
we all went back to his house.
And he got into my car and everybody's like, "Okay, okay, we'll see you at Matt's house."
"We'll see you at my house." And he's just like "Why is everybody coming?"
We got there at the same time.
He pulls out his phone and Matt's like, "Why are you filming this?"
and then we're like, "Just go in there."
And we open the door and kind of shove him in.
"Shove him in, shove him in, shove him in. Get in there."
What is that?
What is this?
What does it look like mother fucker?
- You guys got me a computer? - Well yeah!
I'm so crying dude.
(laughter)
Was this you?
- Who did this? Was it-- - It was all of us!
- Oh my gosh. - We all put in. All of us.
I'm not going to lie, I got a little choked up when I saw Matt crying.
It's like a big grizzly bear breaking down in front of you.
- Koala bear. - Koala bear.
- We're picking panda, right? - Are you picking panda?
- Yeah, it's a panda. - I want koala.
No it's a panda, it's a panda.
- Dude, we love you man. - Dude, come here.
- Come here. - Thank you, guys.
Dude, we fucking love you so much, man.
Come on, go turn it on. I want to see you go turn it on.
Yeah, go turn it on, man.
Live/Play Who We Are