If you have an addicted loved one and you're hearing any of these statements
that I'm about to go over then you are definitely being manipulated
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down I'm
Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube channel is all about helping you
understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life
and your family back on track and get back out there and live the life that you want to live
and this is the only YouTube channel out there that helps you understand addiction from every
single angle and today we're going to look at it from the loved ones perspective if you have an
addicted loved one and they're saying things like this to you this is called gaslighting if you've
never heard that term before it's where someone purposefully makes you feel like you're crazy
okay there are lots of ways that this happens in fact when I thought about
doing this video I was going to title it seven ways and I started writing them out
and I'm like literally past 20 right now so I'm not going to give them all to you
in this video because it's probably too much so this will probably be a two or
maybe even three parter but I'm going to give you as many as possible in this one
so let's just start with like the classic of all classics right let's say you
find drug alcohol paraphernalia empty bottles whatever it is right and you confront your
loved one with it and they're going to say to you that's all like I totally forgot about
that that's been there forever or the total classic that's my friends it's not even mine
What's your problem that's been there like that's like years old now that is super classic I mean
that's just almost like basic gaslighting right there right and you probably already know that's
not true because you probably looked in that spot yesterday and you knew it wasn't there right
or at least last week but they're going to make you doubt your sanity by
telling you that and then you're going to think well maybe it is old
and you're going to question before you know it you're down this other rabbit hole questioning
your own sanity you feeling like you're the bad guy which is the purpose here of this manipulation
it's to sort of shift it off of me and on to you and that deflects the energy
let's take a look at number two number two is
you knew I was like this when you met me you knew I liked to drink when we got married
right or another version might be I told you that I've had addiction problems in my past
and so they make you feel like you're crazy like you had like some kind of
informed consent walking into this um even if you were told by someone that
they have a history of addiction or maybe they struggle with drinking too much you
probably didn't really understand exactly what you were getting in
or yeah maybe you knew they drank when you married them because you
you met in college and you drank together but in your mind when you were 45 and raising kids
together you didn't think they would be living the fraternity dream right
so this is again another deflection that's designed to sort of throw you off base
now a lot of these that I'm going to name for you have a tiny little bit of truth or merit in them
which is what gives it gaslighting power because you really stop and you think
well I guess they did tell me that well I guess I did know that right
but you know that this is an exaggeration and you know that this is totally taken out of context
and you know it is being used as a statement being used to deflect the conversation
number three you're the only one who feels this way you're so
uptight like no one else thinks this is a problem except you this is basic gaslighting right
you're making too big of a deal of this you're overreacting
all of those versions again making you think it's you not them or not the addiction
number four it's not me that's changed it's you that changed we used to always
go out and have fun together now all of a sudden you decide that you just want
to be a Saint and sit at home and never go do anything and you don't want me to have a life
and you're blaming me and you're saying there's something wrong with me
you used to be right out there with me and now You're different it's not me
that's different it's you that's different again this might have a teensy bit of merit
maybe you did used to go out and party it up with just like the other person
however in life there are normal developmental and there are some developmental stages
like when you get older where it's just plain not appropriate to be living like a rockstar
and so it's not an unreasonable expectation
that somewhere along the lines that gets tamed down number five is a biggie how about this one
it's because you're so controlling nagging preaching it's the whole reason I drink or
I use because it's you you drive me crazy you're making me do it classic right your making me do it
totally putting that on you now I do have a lot of videos on this
channel for family members about how that's pretty counterproductive and
not very effective and that you probably should go about it in some different ways
however it's still unfair to make it your fault number six now this is another one that happens
when you've either caught somebody with something they shouldn't have or being
somewhere they shouldn't be or something like that the person will often tell you
I already told you about that you never even listen to me
I told you last week I was going out with Frank to have some drinks or whatever it is so it's
this make you think like did I already know about that like did they tell me that and they'll be
so convincing you'll definitely want to believe number seven you're turning everyone against me
all you do is go talk to everybody else and you talk to them about what's going on with me
and you're just trying to turn everyone against me what is your problem are you
trying to run my life and humiliate me now this is another one I do have some videos on
this channel that will tell you you probably shouldn't be going around and talking to
everyone else about the problem it's not the best strategy
however just like before they can't make it your fault you are a paranoid lunatic you are
constantly trying to catch me in a lie like is that your whole life's mission like that's what
you do all day you just go around and snooping my stuff and try to catch me doing something wrong
don't you have better things to do now there might be a little truth in that
you might've turned into a paranoid lunatic but there's probably
some pretty dang good reason why you turned into a paranoid lunatic
now if you're stuck in a situation like this and you're being manipulated by a loved one
or a family member friend whatever and you want to know how to identify it and
get out of it I've got two things for you one is if you go to my website links
in the description there are a ton of free resources they're designed specifically for
family members or people who have loved ones that are struggling with addiction
and secondly I'm going to put this video up here for you next to help you understand even more in
depth about how to identify manipulation and what to do when it's coming here