Ask and I shall receive, apparently.
All it took was three years of yammering on about how awful the Doraemon game for the
Famicom was, and lo, a copy appears upon my doorstep, courtesy of friend-of-the-show Marc
in Fresh Meadows, NY.
Here it is, the original Hudson Soft 1986 Doraemon, in all its kusoge glory.
I mean, just look at this action.
This is what Famicom Friday is all about, team.
This is the 80s, right here.
Yep, you get lost in a maze of mechanically suspect buildings.
First thing you probably notice is the music, which might’ve transitioned directly into
Mickey Mousecapade, they sound so similar.
Second thing you probably notice is the enemies, which make no sense whatsoever.
At least the licensed characters are kinda discernable in what is otherwise an utterly
generic graphical presentation.
Seriously, we’ve got some round dudes with pretty impressive hats, crabs that jump around
as opposed to moving side-to-side, Ladybugs that somehow manage to conjure masses of flying
rocks so dense that the volcanoes in Gradius are jealous - yeah, y’know, those bastards
- some random mecha looking things, rats, UFOs… and all you’ve got to defend yourself
is a gun, followed by a powered-up gun, followed by this fan.
But in order to find those upgrades, you need to indulge Hudson’s primary kink: firing
at completely invisible objects.
Yep, good luck finding them, because you get no indication whatsoever.
No NPCs to talk to, no in-game hints, except your shots disappearing in an anomalous area.
Game design in 1986, folks.
Y’know what’d make this even better?
Random health drops, a miniscule health bar, and only one health-extending item to obtain
before…
this bastard.
Where do you even find an opening?
I ask you.
And if you die, here at the end of the first stage, you have to do this whole ridiculous
gauntlet again, pretty much guaranteeing you’re just going to die again.
Lovely, eh?
And should you manage to make it out of the first
stage, the game decides to do something completely absurd, and turn itself into a side-scrolling
shooter.
That’s right, hard, sharp turn into new territory.
Now, Hudson had done a few shooters by this point, so I’m kinda willing to give them
the benefit of the doubt… oh, who am I kidding.
It’s Doraemon, not Star Force!
Takahashi Meijin isn’t showing up to work his 16Hz magic on this robot cat!
While the shooter segments in Doraemon are kinda, kinda, kinda innovative for moments
like… well, like the entire thing taking a turn 90 degrees and scrolling a different
way, right in the middle of everything, the actual mechanics of the stage leave a lot
to be desired.
Just look at some of this collision detection.
Doraemon gains phasing and -1/-1 until end of game.
And should you manage, should you persevere, should you conjure the Arino-tier strength
to push through this mess - assisted by an auto-firing joystick or an assistant director
or the like - you’ll move onto the third stage, which is another maze… only this
time, it’s underwater!
Because why the hell not.
Aside from the dorayaki and the inclusion of certain props from the series like the
Dokodemo Door, none of this has anything to do with Doraemon at all.
It’s all a prototype for other things Hudson would work on, like “How to Get Disney to
Run Screaming from Us and Into Capcom’s Arms.”
There were some awesome games published in ‘86 - Castlevania, the Legend of Zelda,
RBI Baseball - and Doraemon certainly wasn’t among them.