(rock music)
- And now the man of the hour, Justin Bieber,
you dainty wigger, you.
Justin Bieber, they say that you roast the ones you love,
but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good
opportunity for me.
(audience laughs)
Justin, oh, you got to give it up for Justin.
He started from the bottom and he's still at bottom.
(audience laughs)
I don't like your music, man.
I'm not a big fan of it.
I listened to some of it, I'm not a fan,
I don't like your music.
I think it's bad, I think it's bad, man, I don't like it.
(he laughs)
I hate your music, man.
I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
- Unlike everyone here tonight,
I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music.
I play it at all my parties when it's late
and I want everyone to leave immediately.
Bruce and I are actually neighbors.
We're in the same town in Bedford.
He has a wonderful house.
The interior design is amazing.
He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern,
except his new wife.
(audience laughs)
I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding,
he hand delivered the invitation
and I told him I'll catch the next one.
(audience laughs)
- George, Nichelle,
it's really great to see you.
Because of our work together on the bridge
of the fabled Enterprise,
it broke a lot of stereotypes.
Not only did we take a chance
and allow an Asian gentlemen to drive,
(audience laughs)
we had a black woman sitting in front of a large screen
who didn't yell things at it.
(audience laughs)
George, the last time I will not let you suck my cock!
(audience laughs)
And Nichelle, thank you very much.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the whole time Bob and I
were doing Full House, he was also hosting America's
Funniest Home Videos.
He did that show for so long,
he can't get a boner unless a six year old boy
waxes balls with a Whipple bat.
(audience laughs)
What a tough gig that must've been, huh?
His entire job consisted of saying, take a look at this,
which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olson
in her dressing room.
(audience gasp and laugh)
- Whitney, what's your deal?
You look like the chicks I used to bang
before I had all this money.
(people laughing)
- Do it baby, do it! - You're a chick, right?
- Okay, yeah. - On the Jersey Shore,
we call ugly chicks grenades,
but I actually wouldn't call you a grenade,
'cause you're not blowing up anytime soon.
(people laugh) (she claps)
Hey (he laughs).
(audience laughs)
Hey, Jeff Ross, what's up man?
- What's up buddy?
- Jeff, me and you have a lot in common, buddy.
- What's that? - We're both from Jersey
and tonight's my first night doing comedy.
(audience laughs)
- It's also your last night, just so you know.
(audience laughs)
- And now we come to the wonderful Joan Rivers.
Yes, indeed, Joan has been, hi baby.
(audience applaud)
Joan has been in show business for 50 years
and still going strong.
Joan has had her face on more red carpets
than an Irish lesbian, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience laughs)
Joan, and I know this is a fact,
Joan has (bleep) more old Jews than Bernie Madoff.
(audience groan and laugh)
- Nice!
- Most of you know that Joan,
she sells beauty products on QVC.
I don't have a joke for that,
I just think that it's hilarious in a tragically ironic way.
- Look at this cast.
Fat guys, old ladies and an Asian.
I feel like I'm on a bus to Atlantic City.
(audience laughs)
Look at this, Nichelle Nichols,
Farrah Fawcett and Betty White.
I'll take women I would masturbate to 30 years ago
for a thousand, Alex.
(audience laughs and cheers)
What a cruel joke,
three women you'd want to fuck 30 years ago,
and one, I wouldn't fuck 30 beers from now.
(audience laughs)
- We are here roasting Flavor Flav.
You had your own show,
The Flavor of Love, which I didn't,
I didn't know syphilis had a flavor.
I had no idea, that was so odd.
And by the way, I don't want to say that the girls
on that show were skanky,
but there were times I would watch it, and I would say,
is this The Flavor of Love or the island of Dr. Moreau?
That is how (bleep) up, yes, an H.G. Wells reference
at the Flavor Flav roast, ladies and gentlemen.
Ah, yes.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt everyone!
(audience cheer)
He's so cute, so adorable.
I bet you eat pussy, but only with the crusts cut off first.
(audience laughs)
Isn't that his luck?
Speaking of crusty pussy,
I'll get to you in a second, Cybill, I...
(audience laughs)
I know, I know.
Martha Stewart, shank you for being here.
(audience laughs)
- Shanking.
- Seriously, and congratulations on getting
that Thai soccer team out of your vagina.
(audience laughs and gasps)
And into your sweat shops.
That's where they are now.
Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad.
Just, you know, as long as it was clean shaven, so.
(audience groans)
She loves attention to detail.
Is she laughing?
(audience laughs)
I'm terrified of her.
(audience laughs)
- Bruce, I see you now.
And I see, and I see your beautiful daughters,
and I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
I remember when we had nothing and we would go,
we would go to your house and take a bath together.
And we would, we loved each other.
We would wash each other's taints.
And I always made sure that your taint was taut
before you went out.
(audience laughs)
Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house.
Demi Moore was.
(audience laughs and cheers)
It's funny, I see you,
and I see you with your daughters,
and I see the love and they're such beautiful girls.
And I think about how you never hear a father bragging
about his daughter's sexual prowess.
You know, they always brag, my son's a buck, he's a stud.
Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody,
boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give (bleep).
You ever hear a father bragging about his daughter?
Hear that up there?
Listen to that, that's my daughter taking on 10 guys.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that's my baby, that's our youngest.
She always loved cock.
(audience laughs)
The bigger, the better.
She always had men lined up around the block.
Guys tag teaming up from behind,
high fiving over a jizz-filled backdrop
and loads in her ear, she couldn't hear him.
What can I tell you, huh?
She's just like her mother, that kid.
(audience laughs)
- Where's my Knight Rider fans?
I know you're out there.
(audience cheer and applaud)
What a lucky break.
What are the odds an alcoholic gets cast in a show
about a car that drives itself.
(audience laughs)
That's a good one.
I heard The Hoff once got so drunk,
he (bleep) KITT in the gas hole.
(audience laughs)
- And now for some jokes.
A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs
into his bedroom, waking his wife, Roseanne.
She sits up and sees her husband holding
a sheep under his arm.
The farmer yells, this is the pig I've been fucking.
Roseanne says, you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!
The farmer yells, shut the fuck up,
I was talking to the sheep!
(audience laughs)
- Where, where is James Franco?
Come on. - Take three, take three.
Okay.
I got to go.
You take over.
- [Seth] What the fuck is he doing back there?
- All right.
Spidey pose.
Genius.
- Mr. Franco, I'm so sorry, my paper's late.
- Late? F.
- [Man] Lovely, beautiful, yes, yes, and that's our cover.
(audience laughs)
- Congratulations, Doctor. - All right, thank you,
thank you.
- [Man] James Franco documentary scene one, apple, take one.
- Hit it.
All right, here we go.
(audience cheer and applaud)
(upbeat music)
- Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.
(audience cheer and applaud)
(upbeat music)
♪ Got to belieb ♪
♪ We're gonna make a belieber ♪
♪ Belieber out of me ♪
♪ When you belieb ♪
♪ You'll be down praying down on your bended knee ♪
♪ Gonna be a belieber till the day I die ♪
♪ Shout I belieb from the mountain high ♪
♪ Got to belieb ♪
♪ He's gonna make a belieber ♪
♪ Belieber out of me ♪
Oh, shit!
We killed the white boy.
The white, watch out, watch out!
Let me through, Jesus, no.
Not like this.
Wait, wait, he's moving, he's moving!
♪ He's still alive ♪
♪ We thought he died ♪
♪ You can kill Justin Bieber but he will never die ♪
♪ 'Cause you got to got to belieb ♪
(audience cheer and applaud)
Yeah!
Justin Bieber, everybody!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we are here tonight to honor a man whose career has spanned
nearly four decades in entertainment.
Mr. David Hasselhoff.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Looking at this turnout, David,
I can honestly say that you deserve better.
Seth McFarland, Jeffrey Ross, Jerry Springer.
I haven't seen this many geeks
since I gang banged the cast of Glee.
(audience laughs)
But I digress.
David Hasselhoff is a legend.
(audience cheer and applaud)
David Hasselhoff started his career
on The Young and the Restless.
Now he's known as the old and the shit-faced.
(audience laughs)
Man, David, were you ever a drunk?
I don't want to say David drank a lot,
but his liver was so black and bloated,
it could have starred in Precious.
(audience laugh and groan)
David Hasselhoff's liver is so black,
it's fucking two of the Kardashian sisters.
(audience laughs)
- Mario, I didn't even know you were gay.
(audience laughs)
I didn't.
I like...
Some men like men and well,
women are probably the number one reason
why I'm not a homosexual today.
(audience laughs)
I blew one guy, but I needed a ride real bad.
(audience laughs)
I'm teasing, I'm kidding, I didn't need the ride.
But...
(audience laughs)
- Rob Lowe.
(audience laughs)
People may be wondering what my connection is to Rob.
Well, years ago I was cast in a show called Lion's Den.
I'm sure none of you saw it because it starred Rob Lowe.
But anyway, the first script said that Rob
and I were supposed to kiss and I asked them
if they could rewrite it so I wouldn't have to,
because I knew where that mouth had been.
But they said no, and I had to do it,
so years later, Rob wrote in his memoir
that I was the only girl in history
who did not want to kiss Rob Lowe.
He talked about it on his book tour,
he bitched about it on Howard Stern,
he even made out with Ellen to show her what it was like.
Yeah.
Well that part I actually kind of understood
because kissing him did make me feel like a lesbian.
(audience laughs)
So Rob, I know you've always wondered
why I didn't kiss you that day.
So tonight I will tell you why in song.
(audience cheer)
(gentle guitar music)
♪ Rob was so shocked on the Lion's Den ♪
♪ When I did not want to kiss him ♪
♪ You see the problem Rob is you're such a whore ♪
♪ You completely forgot we hooked up before ♪
♪ 'Cause you showed me your penis ♪
♪ When I was just 16-ish ♪
♪ Back in 1988 I was the girl on your sex tape ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Maybe you missed my name 'cause you were high ♪
♪ On so much cocaine ♪
♪ Out of all your films ♪
♪ I'm the best thing you were ever in ♪
(audience laughs)
- Look at her, she's a cougar!
Freddy Krueger.
(audience laughs)
Of course, tonight is actually a benefit for Joan Rivers'
favorite charity, Melissa Rivers.
(audience laughs)
Oh, look at her, the lovely Melissa.
Look at her, you're like a chip off the old face.
(audience laughs)
You have your mother's nose.
It's in the will.
(audience laughs and applauds)
You're amazing, Joan.
40 years of telling it like it is,
you got the biggest balls in the business
and Joan her whole life,
all she wanted to just be considered one of the guys.
And good news is your doctor says
you're only three surgeries away.
(audience laughs)
- Anyway, I'll start with the Jewiest and work my way down.
Sarah Silverman is here.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Sarah and I actually worked together on the film
Take This Waltz, which she was great in.
She actually did full frontal nudity in the movie,
which was fantastic.
It was amazing, I always thought she was very liberal,
but it turns out she's actually a giant Bush supporter.
(audience laughs)
Huge!
- They say you only roast the ones you love.
So this is gonna be short.
(audience laughs)
It's been a rough year for comedy.
Not only did the world lose Greg Giraldo,
(audience applaud and cheer)
but even worse.
It kept Jeff Ross.
(audience laughs)
- Wow, that's harsh!
- And now onto the guest of honor, Ms. Joan Rivers.
(audience cheer and applaud)
You know, I heard you spent over a hundred grand
on your face and I'm gonna tell you something,
that was money well spent.
That baby is tight and you know the old saying,
you don't fuck the face?
Well, in your case, I'll take my chance.
(audience laughs)
Plus, that work is gonna save your daughter,
Melissa, a fortune in taxidermy costs, so she gets...
(audience laughs)
She can still cart you around and keep her career going.
(audience laughs and groans)
Hey, hey, hey!
I don't mean to, I don't mean to sound judgemental.
I just hate it when someone uses a much more famous relative
to further their own career.
Melissa, that's my gig, bitch.
- Wow, fucking, wow.
You know, I personally asked that William Shatner be here,
only because I needed some clean urine.
Had to ring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.
(audience laughs)
(William laughs)
- Wow, look at this cast a word I knew before tonight,
someone must've told the producer that this was a panel
of Kenny Rogers roasters,
'cause you guys are a bunch of chickens.
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
It's a chicken based restaurant, I researched that.
The lovely Sarah Silverman is here.
(audience laughs)
I hate to break it to you, Sarah,
but you're getting older
and you know who else is getting older?
My mom, I'm scared, she's gonna die soon,
what's that gonna be like?
Roasted you, roasted Sarah.
Okay, who's my next victim?
(audience laughs)
Natasha Leggero is here.
She's basically a complete unknown,
but tonight we're getting paid the same amount of money.
(audience laughs)
Got you.
Well guess what, Natasha, you can do everything I can do,
but I can never experience the miracle
of birthing a child, roasted you.
(audience laughs)
Expect letters, Comedy Central.
If you don't want controversy,
you shouldn't have invited the king.
(audience laughs)
- Jeff Ross, what was that thing in a Speedo?
You are disgusting.
Your dick in a Speedo,
looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon.
(audience laughs)
Jeff, you are so disgusting,
I wouldn't have sex with you if I was Hulk Hogan
and you were Brooke Hogan.
(audience groan)
George Hamilton is here, okay, whatever.
George you're so tan, I think you're Mexican.
The only difference is that Mexicans work.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Lisa Lampanelli is here, so funny.
Lisa, they say women's bodies are like a wonderland.
Yours is more like a football field,
because it's a hundred yards and a lot of black dudes
have sprained their ankle on it.
(audience laughs)
Lisa, you look like Susan Boyle fucked Snookie.
(audience laughs)
Lisa, your vagina's like a bad movie,
it opened wide and all of the Wayans brothers
have been in it.
(audience laughs)
Speaking of we know you're bald,
just take off the bandana already, Hulk Hogan is here.
You're a disaster.
You're always running like spandex around your crotch,
you have less sperm in your balls
than Pam has in her mouth right now.
(audience laughs)
- This is my first roast, and I have to say, I'm shocked.
Ooh, I've heard words here tonight
that I have never heard before.
Like Lil.
(audience laughs)
And Rel.
Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here because I've been meaning
to apologize for calling the police about your barbecue.
(audience laughs)
- Don't worry, Alec,
nothing said here tonight will be meaner
than what you left on your daughter's voicemail.
(audience laughs)
Alec, sit back, unclench your fists,
and I promise this will be the funniest thing
you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey
didn't carry you through.
(audience laughs)
- But you know, with all those dangerous jobs shows on TV,
like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking,
why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there,
being an escort for Charlie Sheen?
(audience laughs)
How long must we wait for the first season
of deadliest snatch?
I'm ready to see that right now.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- Colin Quinn's here.
His member is tiny.
I feel sorry for his wife.
She has to put hot sauce on his penis
just so she could feel something.
(audience laughs)
Don't you laugh at a sex joke, Ron White, you're a mess.
You couldn't get it up with the pump and the clapper.
(audience laughs)
Ron White has disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Usually I feel bad that guys don't want to (bleep) me.
Tonight, I feel lucky.
(audience laughs)
- When Paris Hilton was still in diapers,
Pamela Anderson was already getting gang-banged on Betamax.
(audience laughs)
She loves rock stars.
The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Pam, you do know that blow me is just an expression, right?
(audience laughs)
- Charlie, you are a monster.
Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes
of Law and Order SVU.
(audience laughs)
Charlie, I don't understand why you're not grateful
for what you have right now.
I mean, after all, the only reason you got on TV
in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.
(audience laughs)
- And now it's time to bring up the man of the hour,
comedy legend, Joan Rivers.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
(audience cheer and applaud)
(audience gasp and laugh)
I was kidding, I was, ow! - Bitch, bitch!
(bleep) you! - I want a coupon
to your God-damn plastic surgeon.
- Oh yeah, shut up!
- It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying its talent
with whatever race Pete Davidson is.
He just looked weird, just real vague man,
weird vague ass face, and I don't like it.
(audience laughs)
I don't like your face at all, you know?
You seem like a nice person,
but when I talk to you, I don't have fun.
(audience laughs)
Pete, Pete has got a lot going on,
Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL,
stand up and Lorne Michaels balls in your mouth
all at the same time.
(audience laughs)
An amazing multi-tasker Pete Davidson is.
- And here it is!
(audience cheer and applaud)
Good Lord, thank you so much.
This is awesome.
Good to see my buddy Toby here tonight.
He's a good buddy of mine and a good American.
His blood's red, his picket fence is white
and his last album blue.
(audience laughs)
You know what, Toby always writes songs about dive bars
with crusty waitresses and jukebox with sticky floors
and signs out front to tell you appearing tonight,
Greg Giraldo.
But Greg, don't worry, one day,
opportunity will knock on your door,
and you will answer.
And we'll ask for directions to Carlos Mencia's house.
(audience laughs)
- All right, guys.
And now a real treat for fans of hate watching.
Ann Coulter's coming up.
Ann hopes the Republicans can hold onto the house
so she can continue to haunt it.
(audience laughs)
She seems stiff and conservative,
but Ann gets wild in the sheets, just ask the Klan.
(audience laughs)
- I was classically trained in live theater.
I improvised, no script, no director,
just me and the donkey.
(audience laughs)
Five sold out shows a night for six years
till the donkey died of exhaustion.
(audience laughs)
Then I was finally ready for Hollywood.
(audience laughs)
What have you nothing's done?
My YouTube video has 400 hits.
(audience laughs)
Fuck a donkey, then talk to me.
(audience laughs)
Now, get up here, Stamos, let's see what you got.
(audience cheer and applaud)
- Thank you, Tranny Bonaduce.
(audience laughs)
Kathy, you look like Ronald McDonald (bleep)
Lucille Ball's corpse,
then pushed it down a flight of stairs.
(audience laughs)
What's with all the surgery, Kathy?
Lord, you've been stitched up thousands of times,
but you're still sad to look at.
You're like the AIDS quilt.
(audience laughs)
What a night.
A couple of trolls, a fairy and a giant
all going after a sunken eyed little monster
who's obsessed with jewelry.
It's like the Lord of the Rings.
(audience cheer and applaud)
♪ For the land of the free ♪
♪ And the home of the brave ♪
(audience cheer and applaud)
- Corolla, look at you, you horse toothed bastard.
(audience laughs)
Corolla, you got a mouthful of two by fours.
Every time you smile, I remember to waterproof my deck.
(audience laughs)
Corolla is an Italian word.
It means one eyebrow.
(audience laughs)
Have some dignity and stick to radio.
You look like Pete Sanfords with down syndrome.
(audience laughs)
The Love Lines, only in America.
What a crappy show The Love Lines is.
Yeah, teenagers calling in to complain
about their abortions and their anal warts.
It's like listening to the messages
on Andy Dick's answering machine.
(audience laughs)
- How about a hand for tonight's host,
Joseph Boredom-Levitt.
(audience laughs)
J G L!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
The only three words more boring than gluten free cracker.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for dressing up, Joseph.
You look like a lesbian on the way to prom.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa Lampanelli.
You are an inspiration to anyone on the path to sobriety.
I'm sure you'll never develop a coke problem
because it's too hard for you to look into a mirror.
(audience laughs)
But if I could offer one tiny helpful
bit of constructive criticism,
each and every one of those black penises
thrust into your vagina or your clammy fat rolls
is really a dagger stabbing into your father's heart.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I have been a huge Trekkie,
ever since the show first aired.
And that's why I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle
and George Takei here tonight because let's face it,
we all know Shatner's nuts,
but George has actually tasted them.
(audience cheer, laugh and applaud)
Oh, it always makes me laugh,
when I see Artie Lang on stage,
knowing I'm gonna outlive him.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, Jeff, ist de Heidi.
(speaking foreign language)
- Hey, it's me, Heidi.
Yo, Jeff, what's up?
Check it out, I'm chilling in Germany right now,
but I wanted to give you your props on Comedy Central.
I said, hell, Jeff's my dog,
and that mullet headed fool is straight up funny.
Yo Jeff, remember the time we was cold lamping
at the club, did she say cold lamping?
I think she did, and you was like, yo, want to hear a joke?
And I was like, aiit.
You busted out all that redneck flavor.
Man, you got us white people down cold.
- Sean, you know what?
I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch of hacky gay
jokes into the ground, all right?
I'm not Will and Grace.
(audience laughs)
Larry Bird is here.
I mean, Nikki Glaser is here.
(audience laughs)
- That hurts me, that hurts.
(audience cheers and laughs)
- You know, the only difference between Larry Bird
and Nikki Glaser is Larry could actually pass as 33.
(audience groan)
- Devastating!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you were so nice earlier.
(audience laughs)
I was, yeah.
Nikki, look at you.
You damaged little climber.
(audience laughs)
You know, Nikki was the only girl kicked
off Jeffrey Epstein's island for networking.
(audience laughs)
- I really didn't want to come up here for three reasons.
One, unlike the rest of the people
up here on this stage,
I'm aware that I'm not a comedian.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Two, I haven't had much sleep.
I had a terrible, terrible nightmare last night
that I was at my mother's funeral.
The worst part was I was 75.
(audience laughs)
And three, to be really, really honest,
it has hurt me very much to hear you call my mother
obnoxious and foul mouthed, crude, cheap and loud,
and you are all wrong, 'cause she is not loud.
(audience laughs)
She was an amazing mother growing up.
She taught me everything about life, love and sex.
And I remember so clearly,
so clearly when I asked her what's a,
and without hesitation, she said to me,
50 bucks, two dinners and a watch.
(audience laughs)
- We all know there's a good chance
Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary.
(audience laughs)
Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture
due to his problems with drugs and alcohol
was found dead in his apartment.
Actually, you know what,
I kind of actually just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary.
(audience laughs)
I only had to change three things though.
The sex of the deceased,
the location of the body
and the part that says a talent that will be missed.
(audience laughs)
- We love Charlie!
- Jeff, how am I the one who played 19 seasons,
and you're the one who looks like you took 20 years
of elbows to the face.
(audience laughs)
You ugly mother (bleep).
Look at Jeff.
Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.
(audience laughs)
My main man, Chris Paul from the Clippers is down there.
(audience cheer)
Hey Chris, where are you guys playing?
You ain't gonna be getting a ring.
I got four of them, if you need to borrow one.
(audience laughs)
You guys suck.
(audience laughs)
- Andy Samberg.
Hi, how are you?
Andy's comedy group is called The Lonely Island,
which is how each of his teeth feel.
(audience laughs)
Andy, I'm looking forward to the sad acoustic version
of Dick in a Box at Lauren Michaels' open casket funeral.
(audience laughs)
- Jesus!
- Bill Hader, you are this generation's Phil Hartman.
Hopefully.
(audience gasps and laughs)
- Jeff Ross is a legend.
His funniness is a legend.
But when I say legend, I mean a myth,
(audience laughs)
like the Lochness monster or big foot, like.
We all believe they exist, but who really ever saw it?
(audience laughs)
- What do you call a woman who's broken down barriers
for female comics?
A comedian who's entertained us and our families
on TV for years.
What do you call an icon, a beloved icon,
that's part of the fabric of this country?
You call her Carol Burnett.
(audience laughs)
But we love you anyway, Joan, goodnight!
- How you doing, Franco?
You look like Johnny Depp with lupus.
(audience laughs)
Bill Hader, holy mackerel, so hilarious.
That was great. - Oh, thank you.
(audience cheer and applaud)
- Too bad you can't do an impression of a guy
with two equally sized eyes.
(audience laughs)
Man, look at that, get a close up.
(audience laughs)
I've heard of the lazy eye,
but that left one's collecting unemployment.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Justin Biber, Justin Bieber.
(audience laughs)
As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right.
Here's a couple of things I know.
September 1st, 2014, Bieber arrested for a collision
with a minivan in his hometown
of Stratford, Ontario, Canada.
And then beat up the occupant of the minivan.
Nice work.
(audience laughs)
October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting
a 12 year old at a laser tag arena.
Ka-boom!
(audience laughs)
I only wish the kid was a nine-year-old.
(audience laughs)
March 28th, 2013.
Bieber flies into Munich with his pet monkey, Malley.
Doesn't have the proper paperwork.
So he leaves it at a zoo in Germany.
It's a monkey.
(audience laughs)
It's named Malley.
Don't think twice, you leave it at a German zoo.
(audience laughs)
March 4th, 2013,
two hours late to a concert in Dubai
because he refused to stop playing a video game.
Say what?
(audience laughs)
Hocked a loogie at his neighbor after the guy complained
that Bieber was driving a hundred miles per hour
in his gated community neighborhood.
Eat that, bitch!
(audience laughs)
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket.
(audience laughs)
As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton
with a bottle of blue liquid and yells (bleep) Bill Clinton.
(audience laughs)
This kid has spunk, moxie and probably
a few other STDs, okay?
(audience laughs)
- It hasn't been easy being the daughter
of an iconic movie star,
but I'm not here to talk about my mother.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Or her Oscar.
(audience laughs)
- Charlie, if you're winning,
then something's wrong with the (bleep) scoreboard.
(audience laughs)
Come on, man.
Charlie, if you're winning,
then this must not be a child custody hearing.
(audience laughs)
Only time your kids get to see you is in reruns.
(audience laughs)
Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?
(audience laughs)
Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez
said they would have been here tonight,
but they had a family obligation.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex,
he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time.
(audience laughs)
- For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,
but he cured it by getting less famous.
(audience laughs)
I remember the first time I became aware of Rob.
I was at a casting meeting for Tommy Boy,
when I came across your headshot,
and I do mean came across.
(audience laughs)
- I want to talk about all the blue collar guys.
These guys are like, they're like rock stars.
And by that, I mean old and boring and loaded with syphilis.
(audience laughs)
The tour grossed 15 million bucks, 15 million.
You know, this is at a time when your fans
have so many other entertainment options.
You know, they, they could have stayed home
and burned a cross or (bleep) their sisters or,
you know what I mean?
They had other choices, you know, but instead they got,
they got all gussied up in their best who farted t-shirts
and they, they jumpstart the El Camino
and they take the hard earned money that they made
on an extra shift working the tilt-a-whirl,
or robbing a liquor store.
(audience laughs)
And you know, this is money they could have spent
on abortions or crystal meth,
and they come out, they make an extra effort
to come out and see you guys.
(audience cheer and applaud)
- As you can tell, I'm a classically trained actor,
but even I can't act like I give a shit about these people.
(audience laughs)
You know, whenever I attend an event like this,
my first order of business is to choose
whom I will be taking home to ravish upon my waterbed.
(audience laughs)
Whitney Cummings, how I would make sweet love to you.
But alas, I'm just an old man with perfect vision.
(audience laughs)
And I suspect you might be too.
(audience laughs)
- Kevin, you are everywhere.
You know, Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season
of Game of Thrones.
He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair,
he climbs out of his own bathtub,
he goes up on his wife.
(audience laughs)
Kevin has the Napoleon complex.
Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France.
Ludacris, France is in Europe.
(audience laughs)
Justin, Europe's a continent.
Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.
(audience laughs and cheers)
- What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson.
The last time I hung out with Mike,
we locked ourselves in a bathroom
and ripped through five grams of cocaine.
(audience cheer)
But Mike's really changed his ways though.
See, here he is taking a beating for a check
and it hasn't been made out to Don King.
(audience groan)
- That is a good one, that is a good one.
- My hero, Charlie sheen.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Dude, your nose is like my ass.
There's nothing you won't shove up there.
(audience laughs)
Right now, I'm gonna do something insanely stupid for you.
I am going to attempt to get a black eye
from the former heavyweight champion of the world.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Mike, bro, I am ready.
Let me get that fist.
- Man, I don't wanna do this shit, man.
(audience cheer)
We're not gonna call the police or anything after this.
(audience laughs)
- All right.
(audience shouting)
All right.
One, two, three.
Ah, I think that will do it.
Thank you, everybody.
- And folks, in case you haven't read Larry's book,
it's also called Get Her Done.
'cause after three pages, you want to put her down.
(audience laughs)
It's an easy read.
Mostly just pictures of sandwiches he fucked on the road.
(audience laughs)
Oh, come on, we all know Larry's a freak.
In fact, he's fucked so many farm animals,
down south, they call him Larry, the Stable Guy.
(audience laughs)
Larry, remember neigh means neigh.
(audience laughs)
- Ann Coulter is one of the most repugnant,
hateful, hatchet-faced bitches alive.
(audience cheer)
But it's not too late to change, Ann.
You could kill yourself.
(audience laughs)
- When Joan was born,
the doctors took a look at her and said,
holy shit, we're gonna make a fortune on this one.
(audience laughs)
Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Molinsky.
You know, my Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up
and marry doctors, not support them.
Joan is not an Orthodox Jew,
but men still (bleep) her through a sheet,
so they don't have to look at that face.
(audience laughs)
- If you can take a joke,
then so can the beliebers watching tonight,
because face it Biebs,
you've become a cocky little shit.
(audience laughs)
You are the king Joffrey of pop.
(audience cheer and applaud)
What's your rap name?
Feminem?
(audience laughs)
Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now.
(audience laughs)
Is it true you dumped her
because she grew a mustache before you?
(audience laughs)
- Some of you hate me just because I'm me.
Some of you hate me because of the things
I may have said in the past.
Well, hey, I'm not perfect.
I'm a person trying to figure out my life,
just like everyone else.
All I want is for future generations of transgender people
to know that if I can find the courage to be who I am,
then you can too.
(audience cheer and applaud)
If you have a problem with that, then you can suck my dick.
(audience cheer and applaud)
If you can find it!
(audience laughs)
- Dennis Rodman, where do I begin?
If you had told me back in the nineties that Dennis Rodman
would be negotiating a nuclear arms agreement in 2018,
I would have said, Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?
(audience laughs)
- I know it's tough having little kids
and being out on the road all the time.
In fact, I asked Larry's wife, Cara, I said,
how do you and Larry do it?
She said, I just close my eyes and pretend
it isn't happening.
(audience laughs)
She said, conceiving those two children was the worst
30 seconds of her life.
(audience laughs)
- I respect Charlie Sheen, I do.
I say yes, 'cause I respect, not, not, not his body of work.
Like not...
(audience laughs)
It's all been very Christian Slater-ish.
Like, just like...
(audience laughs)
He sucks, but he's good.
But he sucks at the same time.
(audience laughs)
I think that his stand that he made against the business,
I think this is a (bleep) up business, but he stood up.
He still survived and he proved that nobody can keep like
the Sheen down, you know?
They can keep Estevez down 'cause his brother...
(audience laughs)
And he's the good one,
that (bleep) do everything right,
and that (bleep) career is over, holy shit!
(audience laughs)
(bleep) Tiger blood, he's selling his own blood
to make money.
(audience laughs)
- Caitlyn Jenner, I just want to thank you
for all you've done for the trans movement,
and the size 16 stiletto industry.
(audience laughs)
You are such an incredible athlete.
People forget just how fast you once ran
from your first family to go be on a reality show.
(audience laughs)
- I like that one!
- You're a Republican.
I don't know why, you've already gained control
over a woman's body.
(audience laughs)
What does that party have to do to lose your support?
Be your son?
(audience groans)
Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified
as a woman for a few years,
but I just want you to know that I know that deep down
you've always been a and...
(audience laughs)
I spell it with a K though for you.
You're great, thank you.
- I must be the only black man in America
who's never been inside Lisa Lampanelli's (bleep).
(audience laughs)
I tried to get in one night,
but the fire marshal was in there turning (bleep) away.
(audience laughs)
- Look at this beautiful crowd.
Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel.
(audience laughs)
Bruce is a real man's man.
He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight.
And it's been great getting to know you
and your lovely family.
And I see, I met Rumor your daughter.
Hi, Rumor.
I guess that's the name your mom gives you
when she's not a hundred percent sure who your father is.
(audience laughs)
Get a shot of that whole table.
It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce.
Your family looks like all the villains
you killed off in the Die Hard movies.
(audience laughs)
What a legend.
- Carrot Top.
I used to think they called you Carrot Top
because of your red hair.
Now I know it's because everyone would love to see you
buried up to your forehead in dirt.
(audience laugh and cheer)
- No, no!
- Jeff Ross.
You're a failure and you're nothing to look at.
Looking at you, it reminds me to shave my taint.
(audience laughs)
- It's bad mojo at these roasts,
if you don't make fun of Lisa Lump-a-jelly's
haunted vagina.
(audience laughs)
I'm told that she's had so many black men
going off up inside her, that if you hold her pussy
up to your ear, you're gonna hear Sweet Georgia Brown.
("Sweet Georgia Brown" by Django Reinhardt)
There it is again.
(audience laughs)
Is anyone else hearing that?
(audience laughs)
Lisa, could you please set your pussy to vibrate?
(audience laughs)
Be a lot safer in here.
(audience cheer and applaud)
- Cold out there tonight.
(audience laughs)
What, you don't like it?
Down girl, boy, whatever.
(audience laughs)
You want to pet it?
It's a hundred percent puppy.
For PETA, right?
People who eat and torture animals right?
No?
It's not real, it's not real.
We shaved Bea Arthur's back.
(audience laughs)
I love you, babe, I love you, I love you.
You look great, babe.
I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy.
(audience groan and laugh)
- I must say, you know,
I'm rather intrigued by your puffy grotesque
(bleep) face, you know.
Not only when I'm next to somebody who's face
is as grotesque as yours,
they throw in the (bleep) towel, man.
You're a mess, man.
(audience laughs)
During your performance,
I wish I'd bit my own ears off, you know?
(audience cheer)
You suck man, you suck!
(audience cheer and applaud)
All right, all right. - That was the best.
- Robin Quivers is here.
(audience groan)
Robin doesn't only sleep with white men,
Robin's (bleep) so many white guys,
Abercrombie and Fitch took out ad space on her taint.
(audience laughs)
Robin's vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie,
it's never been seen by a black guy.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- That's great.
- Robin Quivers has slept with so many white guys,
her hymen hasn't even broken yet.
(audience laughs)
And now for the amazing Joan Rivers, everybody,
Joan Rivers, yes, come on.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler.
(audience laughs)
- Justin Beiber, everybody.
(audience cheer)
Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
(audience laughs)
Justin, Selena Gomez had to (bleep) you.
She is literally the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment history.
(audience laughs)
- John was, John was married to my favorite supermodel,
Rebecca Romijn O'Connell.
(audience laughs)
Jesus.
John, you...
John, you lost your wife to the fat kid from Stand By Me.
(audience laughs)
Holy shit.
Look at you, you greasy Greek bastard.
I look at you and I wonder
how can there be an energy crisis?
We shouldn't be drilling in Alaska,
we should be ringing out your family's pillow cases.
(audience laughs)
- Seth Rogen.
You're welcome, you hairy canuck.
(audience laughs)
I, Hollywood made the world accept you.
I put you on a movie poster and I said, deal with it.
(audience laughs)
And then I put Barbara Streisand on that poster
and the world said, no.
(audience laughs)
Jeff Ross, hi, I'm Hollywood.
We haven't met before.
(audience laughs)
- Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.
- Now I come to you, James Franco.
You're welcome.
No one could argue with your integrity as an actor.
From jerking off next to a boulder,
to sucking a gun like a dick,
you are truly the Jimmy Stewart of today.
(audience laughs)
I know it hasn't always been easy for you, James.
You overcame a crippling childhood affliction,
known as dumb face.
(audience laughs)
The Oscars, the Oscars.
Look, I don't even watch the Oscars anymore,
but everyone was calling me.
The kid is making a mockery of your night.
But you did the impossible.
You made me like Anne Hathaway.
(audience laughs)
I made sure she won every single fucking award
that Les Mis theater camp bullshit,
because of what you put her through, you lazy dick.
(audience laughs)
- Of course, here's my friend, Jerry Springer,
a man who bathes in the tears of poor people.
(audience laughs)
What a life, what a life this guy had.
He was mayor of what, Cincinnati was it, Jerry?
- Yep.
- Then he got busted with a prostitute.
I mean, really?
Who the hell pays a hooker with a personal check?
(audience laughs)
That's like, that's like,
that's like paying a hooker with a personal check.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa Lampanelli,
what can you say about the queen of mean.
I just want to explain to you Lisa,
that the only reason that black men (bleep) you
is so they can feel like they beat up a white man
and got away with it.
(audience laughs)
- Caroline Ray from Sabrina is here, give it up, give it up.
(audience cheer and applaud)
But Caroline, if you're here,
that means Salem the cat must've turned this down, huh?
(audience laughs)
Sorry, Mr. Di Nero,
we know how much you love that black pussy.
(audience laughs)
- And now onto Larry, the Cable Guy.
This, this is exciting, I got to tell you.
I've never roasted a fake character before.
Maybe next year we can roast Sponge Bob Square Pants.
(audience laughs)
Larry's whole act is a sham,
like the Bible or the Holocaust.
(audience groan)
Some people say Larry's only successful
'cause he's pandering to the lowest common denominator
and blatantly and non ironically exploiting
people's racist and homophobic tendencies.
Don't listen to these people, Larry.
They're just bitter and jealous and right.
(audience laughs)
You inbred hillbilly.
How the fuck are you so popular?
(audience laughs)
Jesus fucking Christ.
This one finally broke my back.
Your fans can't even afford cable.
They're not coming 'cause they think you're funny.
They're just, they've never seen a cable guy.
You could have come up with other characters
your fans have never seen like Larry, the Dentist
or Larry, the Librarian or Larry, the High School Diploma.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for letting me roast you, Larry,
you make more money in a week that I'll make in my life,
and that feels good, I got to tell you.
You say you've never done drugs,
but watching your success has put me in rehab twice.
So thanks for ripping my soul out you hillbilly fuck.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.
(audience cheer and applaud)
(upbeat music)
- Surprise!
Thank you.
Are you surprised?
Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?
- Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.
I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday,
I knew he'd forget.
(audience laughs)
So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore.
(audience cheer)
I was married to Bruce Willis
for the first three Die Hard movies,
which makes sense because the last two sucked.
(audience laughs)
After all these years, I have to say, you know what?
You look good.
I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.
But you know, when I look back over all the years
that we've had together, we certainly had our ups and downs,
but I have to say those were some
of the best times of my life.
I just look at our marriage like the Sixth Sense.
You were dead the whole time.
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of reading, I recently read Spade's memoir.
Almost interesting.
Actually, I'm lying.
You really think the first book I pick up in 20 years
is gonna be by the guy who played
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star?
(audience laughs)
I don't think so.
- What the (bleep).
(audience laughs)
- Jeff Ross, I love that new hairstyle, pal.
It makes it so much easier for women
to describe you to the cops.
(audience laughs)
Now, all they have to say is,
he looked like fat Pit Bull.
(audience laughs)
I just met this guy, Pete Davidson,
backstage before the show, a great guy.
He asked to take a picture with me
and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians.
I told him, don't give up kid,
whatever disease you have, you can beat it.
(audience laughs)
- Yes!
That's a Superbowl champ!
- Jewel is here.
Or as I call her Trailer Swift.
(audience laughs)
Jewel, I do not want to bad mouth you,
since God already did.
(audience gasp)
No.
I think your smile is cute.
I feel like your teeth are like the Spice Girls, you know,
they're all different colors
and they're like doing their own thing, so that's fun.
- Oh my God.
(audience laughs)
- I know I've been, I've been driving recklessly,
getting arrested, smoking weed,
abandoning monkeys and urinating publicly.
But my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati
into Jeff Ross' Saturn in the parking lot, man.
(audience laughs)
And Jeff,
I feel really bad because I don't know
where you're gonna sleep tonight, man.
(audience laughs)
Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, all right.
What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?
A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- I've known Jeff for many years.
I was the one that held him in my arms
the day they called him the worst actor ever on television.
Before he died, Christopher Reeve actually was watching
the Jeff Foxworthy show and got up and changed the channel.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- Joan, you are one irritating Jew broad.
The first time I heard your voice,
my foreskin skin fell off.
(audience laughs)
What have you done to your upper lip,
did you blow a beehive?
(audience laughs)
Holy shit, you look like Steven Tyler (bleep) a life raft.
(audience laughs)
Seriously, you're not the only one here.
All these rubber face monsters, what the (bleep)?
What, what, what goes into people's heads out here?
Why, did you really, really, is that good?
What, how much worse could your real face look
than that clown mask you've had welded onto your head?
(audience laughs)
You used to look your age,
now you don't even look your species.
(audience laughs)
You once said you succeeded by saying what everyone
else is thinking, and that's not true, it's not true.
I never heard you say, holy shit,
what the (bleep) did I do to my face?
(audience laughs)
I looked like a surprised catfish.
(audience laughs)
- So many gay jokes tonight, wow.
So many gay jokes about Franco.
Apparently if you're clean, well-dressed
and moderately cultured, you're super gay now.
Is that why the rest of you guys
are so aggressively fat and dirty?
(audience laughs)
You think if you read one book and take a shower,
dicks are just gonna fly into your face?
(audience laugh, cheer and applaud)
- Peyton Manning's here, I (bleep) love Peyton Manning.
(audience cheer)
He's the shit.
Peyton, Peyton looks like if football players
evolved to no longer need helmets.
(audience laughs)
No seriously, Peyton, I love all of your work,
especially when I saw you in the Goonies yelling,
hey, you guys!
(audience laughs)
Superbowl is also what Peyton's mom had to cut
his hair with as a child.
(audience laughs)
- Let's get to the real reason why we're all here tonight.
To me, Robert de Niro.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Robert, by the way, what's a legend like you
doing at a comedy roast?
I mean, is this the same Robert Di Nero
that did Little Fockers and Dirty Grandpa and...
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense, yeah.
I can't wait till someone makes an offer you can refuse.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Alec is a romantic.
He met his first wife on a movie set
and his second wife on a swing set.
(audience laughs)
Her name is Hilaria, and what's even more hilarious,
they already have four kids together.
But he finally got it right.
His wife is a calming presence
and an amazing yoga instructor.
She was able to get Alec into this one position
where he has to work until he dies.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- Many of you might not know this,
but Seth Rogan has a writing and directing partner
named Evan Goldberg.
(audience cheer and applaud)
What does this other guy look like
that you're the face of the operation?
(audience laughs)
I assume he's like a sweaty Orthodox Jew
eating a pastrami sandwich.
Hey Sethy, yeah, I added nine dick jokes on page four.
And I was thinking that the guys are friends
and then they're not friends,
and then at the end of the movie, they're friends again.
(audience laughs)
And also they should smoke a lot of ganja, Sethy.
(audience laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Seth Rogan,
let him hear it.
(audience cheer and applaud)
God.
Seth Rogan is so Jewish.
(audience laughs)
- [Audience] How Jewish is he?
- Seth Rogan is so fucking Jewish.
Anyway, I'm excited to be here tonight.
(audience laughs)
- Rosie and I were once inseparable.
We lived together, we worked together.
We even got tattoos together.
You remember.
I got Rosie's face tattooed on my chest and believe me,
it is hard to get a woman to have sex with you,
when Roseanne is fucking staring at her.
(audience laughs)
It's true.
It's even harder to masturbate.
(audience laughs)
You know, Rosie, it's true,
she actually had "Property of Tom Arnold"
tattooed on her hip,
which made me the fourth largest
property owner in California.
(audience laugh and applaud)
- I know.
I know.
(audience laughs)
What the fuck am I doing here?
(audience laughs)
This is like that Moscow hotel room
where a bunch of whores pissed all over Donald Trump.
(audience laughs)
I mean, this is what you get for being Alec's friend.
Nights like these, you expect your friends,
the people you've worked with closely to show up.
Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan,
Thomas the Tank Engine, Meryl Streep.
Not one.
Instead we have a group,
you can't even find them on Wikipedia.
(audience laughs)
Who are these people?
I mean, who the fuck are you?
(audience laughs)
Ann Coulter, everybody.
(audience laugh and cheer)
- How about a hand for James' grandma, 91 years old.
(audience cheer and applaud)
Beautiful, look at her, well.
127 hours is how long she has left.
(audience laughs)
- Get him, Grandma, get him.
Get him!
- Mike Tyson.
Am I saying that right?
(Mike laughs)
- Oh God!
- Hey, hey, hey, Mike,
here's something you'll never hear.
Great tattoo!
(audience laughs)
You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face.
(audience laugh and applaud)
Men don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.
(audience laughs)
- Kathy Griffin.
You know what you are, darling?
You are a thief.
Yes, you stole my act,
you stole my gays and you stole the face of the Burger King.
I am not happy with this!
(audience laughs)
Which brings us to Gilbert Godfrey.
Your set was longer than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence.
I mean (imitates Gilbert Godfrey).
(audience laughs)
Open your (bleep) eyes,
the audience is leaving you, ass.
(audience laughs)
(Joan imitates Gilbert)
I was gonna make an announcement tonight
that I was going to retire.
This was going to be it for me.
I wanted to spend my golden years
with my wonderful daughter, Melissa,
my beloved grandson, Copper, Cooper.
I was...
(audience laughs)
I was just gonna sit back.
But after tonight's show, no, no,
I cannot leave comedy in the hands
of these untalented people, no.
Comedy, comedy, and I say this with humility,
comedy needs me, comedy need me!
Yes, yes!
(audience cheer and applaud)
Down, down!
Comedy needs Joan Rivers.
And even more than comedy, and I say this,
America needs Joan Rivers.
Yes!
American needs Joan, will you cue the (bleep) flag please?
Thank you, America needs Joan Rivers.
- Chris Redd looks like a police sketch
of someone doing blackface.
(audience laughs)
You look like nephew Jemima.
(audience laughs)
- Don't talk about my auntie like that!
- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?
(audience laughs)
Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.
(audience cheer)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.
(audience laughs)
Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick.
(audience laugh and cheer)
Look, look, for real.
I know we're all here making fun of Caitlyn,
but honestly I want to take this moment
to publicly thank you.
As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery,
and as a human, I want to thank you
for the doors you've opened.
And on behalf of the entire NBA and half of the rappers
on the billboard charts,
(audience laughs)
I want to thank you for giving your daughters
their daddy issues.
(audience laugh and cheer)
- Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11,
and I always regretted growing up without a dad.
Until I met your dad, Justin.
(audience laughs)
Now I'm glad mine's dead.
(audience gasp and laugh)
What's up, Ludacris?
What's up, man?
You might know Ludacris from your mom's
That's What I Call Music CD.
(audience laughs)
- Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips
to use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
(audience laughs)
I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week.
So pay attention.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum.
(audience laughs)
I'll show you how later, it's so simple.
I found Bubblicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.
You see when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cell block
wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass.
So I decided some bitch needed to get gone.
I walk into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her.
From then on, prison was easier
than making blueberry scones.
(audience laugh and cheer)
And Shaq,
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
(audience laughs)
- Will and Grace was really the best you could do.
It just...
(audience laughs)
Just Jack, just Jack is a,
it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone
after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night, Jesus Christ.
You're so hot, what the fuck?
(audience laugh and cheer)
You're so, I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents.
I, that's how, I almost want to, you know?
I feel like Mimi would be proud.
(audience laughs)
Blake, you look like a black guy that got made
by a printer running out of ink, that's...
(audience laugh and applaud)
(upbeat music)