It's just about time for the holidays and I want you to know, if you're gonna be alone this year,
you don't have to be and I'm gonna give you a few tips for getting through the day a little easier,
so let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org)
My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel, I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button and let's get going. Alright, first up,
let me just quickly tell you we have some exciting things planned for you for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the rest of the year.
So let me just fill you in, take a look. Don't spend the holidays alone this year, spend the holidays with your SPANily.
Here are our online gatherings and get-togethers for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year's Eve.
Christmas Eve, 5 p.m. Central, Lise will be on Life Makeover TV live and at 6 p.m. Central Time,
Colleen will have a Christmas Eves SPANily hangout drop-in session on Zoom.
9 p.m. Central Time, Misty will also have a Zoom hangout.
On Christmas Day, at 5 p.m, Central time, Lise will be live on Life Makeover TV.
At 6 p.m. Central, Colleen will offer another SPANily hangout and at 9 p.m. Central Time,
Misty Dawn will do a live stream on Life Makeover TV. On New Year's Eve, at 7:00 p.m,
Colleen will hold the SPANily New Year's Eve party. At
8:30 p.m. Lise will offer a live stream on Life Makeover TV and at 10 p.m
Misty will help you ring in the New Year with the SPANily on Zoom and I will make an appearance as often as I can.
There are links in the description. Make sure you check those out and we'll see you there.
So
how do you deal with the holiday if you don't have
family in town, if you've gone no contact and this is your first time around, take a look.
So if your spend Christmas alone, there are a few things you have to think about.
Obviously,
it's not the best thing, most people prefer to spend Christmas with someone. If it's just you and your kids you can still have a
good time, even if it's just you all by yourself, you can have a wonderful day.
It might feel a little weird, but you have to remember a couple of things.Number one,
Christmas is just another day and number two, there's nothing set in stone that says you must do X Y Z on
on Christmas Day. It's natural that you're gonna feel a little bit
different, a few mixed emotions along the way right?, but what I want you to focus on is your independence and your freedom.
So here's the first option wear pajamas all day.
Maybe you even want to run out today and get a new pair of pajamas just to help yourself
feel a little cozier that day. Maybe you want to wear something sexy or something comfy.
Maybe you want to watch a marathon all day of your favorite movies or binge watch something good on Netflix.
Have you seen orange is the new black yet?, it's pretty interesting.
Maybe there's a series you've been trying to watch on TV, Breaking Bad or 24 or something like that.
You want to watch it all the way through on Christmas Day.
Of course if movies aren't your thing, you can always read a book or listen to one from audible.com.
Make yourself some good cookies. Just enjoy spending the day relaxing and taking care of yourself or just
imagine out. Speaking of taking care of yourself,
maybe you want to paint your nails or you want to give yourself a good
pedicure or wouldn't today be a perfect day to have a good facial. Get yourself some chocolate or have a nice glass of wine.
Do something different. Do something unexpected.
Do something that feels good to you. Another great way to spend Christmas alone is to focus on your creative genius.
So
maybe you want to write a story or a book or maybe you want to learn how to knit or you have already learned how
to knit and you want to knit like 27 scarves, today is a perfect day for it.
Maybe you want to paint something beautiful. Do something creative and make it all about you.
Maybe you want to cook something good or you want to try a new cookie recipe or make snowflakes out of paper
tissues, try making green smoothie for the first time.
I don't really like some of these I prefer to use myself, but a green juice maybe.
Whatever you do, just try something different be creative. Let your genius out. You want to start a YouTube channel today, huh,
it's not a bad idea.
Today might also be a good day for you to write some notes to people you love and haven't seen in a long time,
right in my hand, why not?.
Maybe you can even go for a walk in your neighborhood,
and hey, if you really don't want to be by yourself,
you can always check in at a local soup kitchen and volunteer and help people who are less fortunate than yourself.
So
how do you deal with the holiday if you've gone no contact and you just don't know how to deal with having a regular
holiday, take a look. Taking hold of the current moment can really help you create some of the most memorable
cherished and exciting time you'll ever have. If you find yourself unfocused or feeling stressed out ask yourself,
what am I thinking about now?. When you're aware of whatever it is is going on in your head,
you're gonna keep yourself from
focusing on something that happened last week or it's something you're worried about that could happen next week.
Stay in the present with your thoughts. Next time just remember that it's Christmas, if you're trying to focus on anything at all,
focus on that today. Whatever is here in front of you deserves your full attention and my friend if it doesn't, change what you're doing.
Number three; Remember that staying in the moment allows you to really gather all your efforts into one place and
unleash them into what you're engaged in right now.
Whether you're in a house full of people or you're all by yourself Christmas Day can be a wonderful day for you.
Make sure to be the best at what you're doing today, even if it's just celebrating. Number four;
Don't forget that this moment is not gonna come around again. As the clock ticks by on Christmas Day, so does time, so this is
a great day to ask yourself, what is my plan in this life?.
Am I doing anything to achieve it?. At this point now my friend, you can contribute more to your own
existence in some big ways. Make your life better, more tantalizing, interesting.
Don't forget that getting a good grasp on this moment is gonna take some effort on your part,
but I promise you the rewards are gonna be worth it. Pay attention to what's happening around you and remember that even if it's Christmas
or any other day, you can live every moment to its fullest. The feelings and experiences
you gain are gonna make your life so much spicier and more special. Remember this, each day is a new life,
so seize it, live it and be in the moment every day,
even on Christmas. And
what do you do if you're stuck with a narcissist on a holiday?,
take a look. You have to remember who you're dealing with here.
A narcissist doesn't act like anything else other than a narcissist. If you expect them to act like anything else,
you're just gonna be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Try not to take anything personally and if the narcissist says or does things that upset you around the holidays try this one word,
interesting - grey rock. Don't give them a single minute of your anxiety or stress
if you can avoid it, at least don't let them see it. If you must deal with a narcissist on this holiday,
remember the grey rock, remember to say
interesting,
instead of what do you mean?,
lalalala, no, don't give him one bit of your anxiety okay, that's what they want.
They want attention.
If you avoid giving them the attention they're seeking, they might just leave you alone or
at least stop the current ... or they can try something different. I know how easy it is to be triggered by a narcissist anytime.
It's especially true on the holiday.
Remember that when we're engaging with the narcissist we're making ourselves vulnerable
to them, to their ability, to turn everything around on us, to their ability, to make us the bad guy, - that smear campaign the whole
nine yards and you know that a narcissist does not have any ability to censor their behavior.
They play low and they use everything they can against us, they find the spot on you that hurts the worst
and they poke, poke, poke it. So this year, don't give them that pleasure.
Remember if the narcissist thinks they're not getting what they want, they're not getting the attention they need, what is their other
option?, well, they can walk away,
maybe that'd be nice right or they will turn up the charm and try to
impress you and make you excited and happy about them again. If they know they have nothing to gain,
there's no financial or material or other sort of gain in the deal, they want to dazzle people with thier other side.
Of course
they do this to make us look delusional, but as long as they are behaving themselves,
your holiday might be a little easier. One last thing,
don't forget to skip the hoover on the holiday. Take a look at this and stay strong my friend.
So what is hoovering anyway. Just for those of you who don't know,
the hoovering technique was named after the famous vacuum cleaner as you might have suspected and it's one of the many,
common, manipulation tactics used by narcissists.
It's basically when a narcissist sucks you back into the relationship after they've gone no contact or after they have
discarded you, whether that was intentional or otherwise and
often after you have chosen to go no contact. They suck you back into the relationship or some version of it. It often begins
innocently enough, sort of subtly, but it always happens with just one target and that is to regain control of you in the relationship.
Whether it's because they want you to be their backup supply or it's because they want you to remain as their permanent primary supply.
Hoovering usually begins after the devalue in the discard phases. When the silent treatment stops giving the narcissist pleasure and when they're ready for more,
more of that supply that you've been so good at giving them for all these months are here or
it'll start when the narcissist knows that you're left or you're leaving and they fear that you won't return, because they like your supply.
The thing is, it's
especially prominent on the holidays,
because people are lonely, not just narcissist reach out to old exes on the holidays my friend. The idea
is that the narcissist needs to re-establish contact with you in order to
re-engage you for the narcissistic supply that you've been so good at providing all this time.
This is a dangerous
tactic my friend, because once the narcissist gets their foot in the door you often find yourself being love bombed and hearing
promises of brighter days ahead,
everything's gonna be awesome, but just like poor Charlie Brown you're bound to fall again.
So, how are you gonna deal with a narcissist hoovering today?, If you're still stuck in that relationship, might as well
just let it happen, but keep some safeguards in place.
So first of all,
don't take bait, because if you do, you might end up allowing the narcissist to cross your boundaries and you'll end up settling for less than
you really deserve in the long run, plus you don't want to allow yourself to start doing the things that you wouldn't normally
do in order to please the narcissist again and you don't want to stop taking care of yourself in favor of the narcissist needs.
Most importantly, you don't want to give up your own independence,
but in general if we're talking about regular hoovering where they're trying to suck you back in on a holiday,
let's go with this, alright?. The first thing you need to do is make sure that your boundaries are firmly in place.
Don't let them be changed or broken during the holidays.
It is too easy to give in right now right?, because we're all feeling kind of lonely, don't do it.
Number two; If you put safeguards in place or
consequences in place due to the narcissist bad decisions, keep those in place even and especially during hoovering, especially during the holidays.
Know that this phase is gonna end. Know that you're gonna be back to normal with the narcissist at some point.
This is just a temporary
attempt that the narcissist is making just suck you back in. Don't believe me?, look at the narcissist previous patterns in your own relationship,
or the relationships they've had with other people in the past. Next up, make a special effort to maintain
your healthy activities and relationships and even increase in your engagement with those things, anything healthy in your life,
especially during the holidays.
This will help to strengthen your recovery efforts and it'll help you stay on track with
no contact during the holidays. A lot of times,
we kind of let the narcissist hoover us to bargain with us, right?.
We will try to create positive change in our relationships, because right now they're trying to get us back,
so they're acting nice and sweet and kind
So we'll be like well, I'll tell you what, I'll consider it,
but you have to do
XYZ first or I have to see that you're trying, I have to see this or that or the other thing and we think that because the
narcissist seems so receptive, they seem so on top of stuff, they seem like... they're so, yes anything you want
I'll do that thing, but at least more so than usual,
well
our requests seem like they're gonna be heard, but they're not. You got to
understand, most of the time any change that is created during a hoovering phase, holiday or otherwise is gonna be short-lived.
You're only going to be setting yourself up for disappointment in that situation.
You have to keep in mind that as big of a jerk as the narcissist can be, they are a person with a personality disorder.
They are a person with a personality disorder and mood swings and they're rapidly swinging here and there and there everywhere, rapidly changing ideals
ideals, ideas and ideals, all part of that thing.
So you don't want to allow their personality disorder to fool you, you have to remember what they really are.
Even if part of them really wants to create those changes and they really seem honest, it will not continue to stay
safe for you.
It will
eventually roll right back to where you were when you didn't want to be with them in the first place. Next up,
remember that knowledge is power. Educate yourself on NPD, you're doing that right now.
Make an effort to understand what you're dealing with and who you're dealing with, because
understanding does lead to overcoming. Next, don't allow yourself to depend on the narcissist emotionally at all,
especially during the holidays.
They will disappoint you every single time, especially when it matters the most. The hoovering phase can and will cloud your judgment
and you might even end up setting yourself up for some real
emotional devastation if you allow the narcissist to lull you into that false sense of security and intimacy.
Don't let it happen to you. Alright,
now this brings me to the question of the day and the question of the day is; How are you gonna spend the holidays this
year?, what are you gonna do different than you did last year?. Share your thoughts, share your ideas,
share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
I just want to offer a quick shout out to my amazing channel members,
thank you so much for being part of my mission to help our survivor community discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, it means so much to me and I know it means so much to everyone else too,
so, thank you so much.
My amazing channel members include; Angela. Susan. Roxane. Debbie.
Lorenzo. Lifes. revival. Tricia. James. Marlene. Jenn. SarahLee.
Delilah. Beaucoup. Paul. Janet.
Pierlala. Laura. Charley. Linda. Bible News Radio. Angel. Carie.
Beautiful Purpose. Alice. Cherie. Phoenix. Lanell. Marsha. Alda. Smith n Wesson. Ms Lisa.
Martha. Freedom Lee. Mindy. Kristi and Lynn. Thank you so much.
Again, I just want to say thank you so much for hitting that join button, your support really does mean a lot to me.
Thank you again. Alright that's all I've got for you right now,
but as always thank you so much for being a part of my day in a part of my life
and hey, thanks for letting me be a part of yours,
it really does mean a lot to me. Now before I go, make sure you take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you right there and right there
and while you're here hit that subscribe button right over there so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together
I'll see you soon.