Leave it to Rambo to put his foot down.
Leave it to Rambo to say, “Enough’s enough.”
“Enough’s enough.”
Leave it to Rambo to take a stand.
Because all Rambo wants…is what they want.
And every other guy who plays video games wants.
To hate games based on movies as much as games based on movies hate them.
Don’t worry, Rambo.
You get to win this time.
It’s Rambo: The Video Game.
So if you don’t like Rambo, we can’t be friends.
I love Rambo.
Rambo is, like, the ultimate masculine movie-watching experience, it’s unbelievable.
You watch Rambo, and you want to start hiding in the mud, just to see if people notice you.
Spoiler alert, they notice you.
So I’m obviously coming at this from the perspective of a serious Rambo fan.
And someone with mud caked in their hair.
Mud is, just…impossible to get out of your hair.
Just one of Rambo’s many skills.
But I’ll tell you what he can’t do.
Besides get a good meal in Hope, Washington.
He can’t do a good movie game.
‘Cause he doesn’t want to.
Rambo wants you to suffer.
So in that sense…
So what are we dealing with here?
Well, if you like Rambo, you’re dealing with one of the biggest disappointments of
your life.
Rambo: The Video Game is an on-rails shooter.
Which would be alright if this were Dave and Buster’s, or the Nintendo Wii.
But unless someone’s hiding the skee-ball, and the pointer controls…
Actually, Sony’s done a fine job of hiding their pointer controls.
I’d like to Move to Dave and Buster’s right about now.
Here’s the cool thing about the game.
It takes moments from the movies and turns them into shooting galleries, which is awesome.
And they’re pretty detailed.
So you’ve got the police station and the forest chase from First Blood, the boat scene
from First Blood II…it’s great that the game uses actual Rambo scenes.
Two problems, though.
For starters…that’s not always in line with the movies.
I mean, why am I shooting cops with a machine gun, in a scene from First Blood?
It’s odd to go into detail for the places in the movies, but then to disregard the details
of…you know, what happened in the movies.
They drew First Blood, not Rambo.
And the second problem with the shooting galleries…is that the shooting galleries suck.
This game feels like one of those bad rail shooters from the nineties.
You know, the ones you used to play in pizza shops, instead of talking to girls?
Yeah, good call on that one, guys.
Now, we have Rambo: The Video Game.
At least with Area 51, you played with a light gun.
You play this freaking thing with a controller.
Unless you have a PlayStation Move.
Uh, newsflash, no one has a PlayStation Move.
So you’re playing with a controller.
Which is inherently difficult enough, without having lousy controls and terrible gameplay
and top of it.
And that’s what Rambo: The Video Game has.
And you know, as bad as the shooting is…it’s not even the worst part of the game.
You also have these quick-time events all over the place, which essentially go down
anytime Rambo’s in stealth mode.
Because that’s what we want.
Instead of sneaking around as Rambo ourselves, let’s just press circle instead.
Boy, that’s a lot of fun.
I feel real badass.
Especially when the game freezes up my system.
Hey, you know what else sucks?
The presentation.
The only two people from the movies who have their likenesses in this game…are Rambo
and Trautman.
Everyone else gets generic character models that look nothing like them, with new voice
actors who do a masterfully terrible job.
So bad graphics, bad sound and music…awful new voice acting, and clips from the movie
apparently recorded on a cell phone.
I guess Rambo’s mission involved a kiosk at the shopping mall that day.
And hopefully Trautman got him out of there, before things went awry.
Speaking of which, this game’s gone horribly awry.
Even when it does something right, it sucks.
Cool scenes from the movies, that don’t play out like the movies.
Cool perks, that never make the gameplay any more fun.
I mean, there’s so much potential for a Rambo video game…
Rambo: The Video Game is, like, “Eh.
Let’s do a gallery shooter.”
“Let’s do a gallery shooter.”
It’s Rambo: The Video Game, for the PlayStation 3.
Godd*mmit.