- Okay, how's it going?
You guys good, you all right, yeah?
(crowd cheers)
Good, okay.
Every time I am on one of these things,
where it's gonna be recorded,
I have the very overwhelming temptation to go insane,
and start, you know what I'm talking about?
Do you guys have that?
- Do it.
- That, dude, on airplanes,
I have to fly every weekend for work.
I'm always worried that I'm gonna start
like biting people's ankles and barking like a-
Do you guys have this?
I just think it's nuts that they lock you in a tube,
and they're like, "see you in six hours, nobody be weird.
Bye!"
That's crazy.
(audience laughing)
That's nuts.
They put me next to the emergency, "don't pull this-"
I was flop sweating, the whole time.
In New York, you don't have to worry about it,
'cause there's one dude on every train car,
who's like, (growls) so you're fine.
(audience laughing)
But on airplanes, I'm like, what if I'm that guy?
(audience laughing)
Is that, what is that?
That's intrusive thoughts?
That's OCD, right?
I think that's OCD.
Does anybody have OCD?
I have pretty bad OCD.
- Woo! - You got OCD?
You got the real kind of the fake kind?
- Real.
- Don't lie to me, you piece of shit, okay?
(audience laughing)
You got the real kind, what do you got?
You got numbers, you got taps, what do you got?
- Worried I was gonna murder my mom.
- Yeah, there it is, that's weird, weird and weird, yes.
OCD is weird shit, it doesn't make any sense.
I hate, are you on pills?
- I went off them.
- Did you?
Because you couldn't come, is that why?
(audience laughing)
I have OCD, you have OCD.
We can't come.
You're off the pills, I'm on the pills, so I can't come.
They help, they do help, right?
- Yeah. - You get-
They tell you my, my doctor's like,
"don't worry about it.
It's gonna reduce your sex drive."
I was like, please, please, Lord help me, okay?
That would be amazing.
I am a pervert, all right?
(audience laughing)
My porn searches are out of control.
My buddies are like, "I just want porn,
where like, there's like a man apologizing
to a woman that would make me-"
I'm like, I'm literally
out here googling like, "angry grandpa seeks revenge."
Okay, help me, okay?
(audience laughing)
But that's not what happens.
What happens is you get on the pills,
and they help and you can,
you think you're gonna come, you get close to coming.
You get all, you get real close, right?
You can get all the way up to the top of the rollercoaster.
You're like, here we go.
You get all the way up there,
and then you gotta go back down the way you came.
You have to walk by the kids in line.
You're like, I'm sorry, I got scared at the top.
I dunno what happened.
(audience laughing)
I apologize, and I can't fake orgasm.
Can you guys fake orgasm?
I can't fake, I wish I could fake.
Or I get stage fright.
I'm worried I'm gonna do something,
that's the intrusive thought.
I'm worried I'm gonna do something crazy.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm gonna make a sound and they're gonna be like,
"what the fuck just came-
Was that Morgan Freeman from Shawshank?"
I also do the thing, the one time I did fake come,
if I do come and a guy's like,
and a guy's like, "did you come?"
I'm like, "yeah, I came."
But if I didn't come and I lie about it,
and they're like, "did you come?"
I go over the top.
I'm like, "oh, did I ever, dude!
I came, I went, I'm going,
I went around about, where am I going, I'm coming!
Am I coming?"
Anyway, also, I wish I could do it,
because the other thing is, man, you guys do this thing.
Listen, okay, just hear me out, all right?
And okay, women, you should Venmo me money for this.
After the show.
When, oh, whenever we say I'm about to come,
you guys, you lose your minds.
You short circuit,
you get so excited and you fuck it up immediately.
(audience laughing)
It is so, you'll be doing so,
you don't even know you're doing good.
You're half asleep, you're checked out, you're dissociated.
Okay?
But you're keeping a tempo going, you're keeping a set.
(Jordan mimics drums)
Just, and we're like, okay, all right, yep.
Keep on like this, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell him.
I can tell, I'm gonna tell him.
Safe to tell, I'm gonna tell him.
Okay, here we go, I'm gonna come.
You guys are like okay!
(Jordan yells)
(audience laughing)
Did you, did you come?
No!
(audience laughing)
Don't look at your fucking girlfriend like that's not-
It pertains to every one of you.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I'm doing good, I'm all right.
So I have OCD, not coming, not coming.
I'm actually taking a break from sex for a while.
I'm taking a break from dating, okay?
I date bad dudes, okay?
Anybody else grew up, I grew up white trash.
That's what it, I'm not white trash,
but I'm like white recycling, okay?
(audience laughing)
I don't know if you grew up poor,
you date, you date whoever raised you.
I don't know who rich people date, Caribbean nannies?
I have no idea, but-
(audience laughing)
Thanks.
I date pieces of shit, dude.
That's my favorite thing to do, I love it.
It's, you know, you know what it is.
Okay, I have to date men.
I'm a very masculine-
I used to do carpentry for a living.
That's scary to men, okay, listen to me.
I was raised by a pack of lesbians.
Okay, let's just clear this up right now, okay.
- Woo! - Yes.
They gave me high T, but a love of the D,
it's an issue, right?
(audience laughing)
I don't know how to be more feminine.
I don't have a feminine room, I've tried everything.
I've tried pulling the sweater out over the palms.
Nothing helps, okay, nothing helps.
(audience laughing)
I also like doing, I was raised by a lesbian,
so I like doing lesbian shit.
I don't think it's lesbian shit,
but people think it's like-
I got off my motorcycle, shut the fuck up,
shut the fuck up.
I was in Manhattan.
I get off my motorcycle and this dude,
like a block away, okay?
This big guy yells out at me, he goes, "hey, you look
like you go up to eat pussy," right?
(audience laughing)
But he was, he was a fucking tub scout, okay?
So I was like, "you look like a pussy who loves to eat."
That's pretty good.
(audience laughing)
I got a lot of fat jokes on deck.
I used to be a very fat mall goth.
Do you remember those girls, yes?
You remember when all fat girls in middle school,
had to choose between punk rock or Wiccan, for some reason?
You remember that shit?
I was Spencer's chubby little gift.
Do you remember those girls?
Dude, I had like the combat boots, what was I combating?
Type two diabetes, come on now.
(audience laughing)
I was a big fat fatty.
Dude, did anybody used to be a big fat,
fat girl growing up, middle school?
If you, if you did, you are very good at cursive.
I don't know how why that is,
but that is the law of the land.
I have no,
if your girlfriend is good at cursive,
she was a big fat fatty, and that's okay.
And you should love her for that.
I don't know what it is, I think it's
because we were trying to like trick the person,
you know what I mean?
They'd see it and be like, "she's a babe."
And then they'd see us and they're like,
"this should have been all caps, bitch."
(audience laughing)
(Jordan groans)
Yeah, I was a tub scout, so.
Anyway, I'm doing okay.
I'm taking a break from dating, I'm in therapy.
I hate therapy, dude.
Can we talk about that?
I hate therapy, listen to me.
You know what it is?
I figured it out, I'm too Italian for therapy, okay?
What it is-
They always wanna talk about your mom, I hate that.
She's like, "let's discuss your mother."
And I'm like,
"leave my mother's name outta your whore mouth."
(audience laughing)
She's an angel, okay? (laughs)
My mom is not an angel.
She's an asshole.
(audience laughing)
She's such a bitch.
she keeps cheating on her girlfriends, dude,
I just found out, this is crazy.
She dates these, she's like this very rugged, like fun.
She's very swaggery,
and she dates these young like 28 year old women,
which I hate 'cause they always wanna be my friend.
And I'm like, look, listen bitch, get the fuck-
What, what do we have in common?
We both graduated in 2013,
and we've both been spanked by my mom?
Get the fuck outta here, right?
(audience laughing)
And what's crazy is I ran into one of these women,
and my mom, she, okay, all right, I'll tell you.
So she goes, my mom's a mean lady, all right?
She cheats on everybody.
She's, the game we played growing up,
was called No Kisses Today, I swear to God.
Okay, yes, yes.
I just found out that's not a game that all you played,
that was embarrassing for me.
That was embarrassing for me.
My buddies were like, "remember sardines,
and hide and go seek?"
And I was like, "no kisses today?"
And they're like, "we should help you more, we should-"
(audience laughing)
Anyway, sorry.
Okay, so, this woman, or I run into her and she goes,
"you know why me and your mom broke up?"
And I was like, "she probably cheated on you."
And she goes, "yes, she did."
And I was like, "I apologize for that."
And she goes, "she cheated on me, with men."
And I was like, "there is no fucking way."
The only thing I can imagine my mom doing
with a dick is just breaking it off, okay?
(audience laughing)
It's not, she looks like a combination
of like Rambo and like...
Yeah, Rambo 2, I guess?
(audience laughing)
And so I go to my mom and I was like, "mom,
I gotta run some shit by you, okay?"
I was like, "by any chance," I was like,
"I'm gonna run by you, you weren't,
you weren't fucking dudes,
when you were dating Danielle, were you?"
And my mom, without skipping a beat, she goes,
"I mean, yeah."
That's what she sounds like, okay?
That's what she sounds like.
And I was like, "that doesn't make any sense."
And she goes, "why doesn't that make any sense?"
And I was like, "because you're gay."
And verbatim, this is what my own mother said to me,
she goes like this, she goes, (scoffs) "you're gay."
And I was like, all right, what the fuck are you, dude?
What are you, like, a lesbian misogynist fuckboy?
What is happening?
(audience laughing)
What is going?
And then she skateboarded away, on her skateboard.
(audience laughing)
That's crazy.
Anyway.
But she's the best.
I don't like my cunt therapist talking about her.
Sorry, she's-
Dude that my therapist broke up with me.
Listen to this shit, this is crazy.
Okay, so I know, okay.
So I go through a breakup, all right.
I'm doing my sad, my sad girl shit that I do.
I go to Williamsburg, I cat call Hasidic Jews.
It's a problem, it's a problem.
(audience laughing)
It's a problem.
(audience laughing)
Call me Kanye, I'm addicted to it, all right?
(audience laughing)
I can't stop, I can't.
It's because when women get cat called,
we can't do anything about it.
We just have to run away.
But Hasidic men aren't allowed to make eye contact,
with non-Hasidic women.
See, you can go buck wild on them, right.
(audience laughing)
I'm not even good at it.
I'm like, "what's up baby?
I wanna sit on that hat."
And they just shuffle away, they just shuffle off.
(audience laughing)
Feels good, it feels good.
Don't do it, but it feels good.
Don't do it, don't do it, anyway, sorry.
So I go through a breakup.
I go through a lot of breakups.
I, you know, I date the bad dudes.
My, I kind of, you know, and I'm scary to date, you know,
I used to be a contractor.
You know what?
I went on a date recently and this guy goes, I go,
"I used to be a carpenter."
And he goes, "oh, like Jesus?"
And I was like-
(audience laughing)
I was like, "more like Jesus, my guy."
Okay, anyway, sorry, so, I have to leave, so.
So I'm telling my therapist, I'm like,
"I'm gonna take a break from dating."
And she goes, "I think that's a good idea."
And I was like, "excuse me?"
And then she goes, and then she goes,
"I think you might have abandonment trauma."
And I was like, "what?"
And then she goes, "and I think you might wanna
consider seeing a more experienced therapist."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "you fucking bitch!"
I was like, "that is the definition of triggering."
I was like, "that's like
if a crazy person comes in here, right?
And you go, hey, I think you have schizophrenia, right?"
And they go, "what?"
And you go, "nothing.
Did you hear something?
I didn't hear anything."