Let's start with today's big news about the 2024
presidential race.
Someone has stepped forward to run against Trump
for the Republican nomination.
And she's a lady.
Breaking news this morning--
former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley is now officially
running for president.
She is the first Republican to challenge
Trump for that nomination.
She obviously served as his ambassador
to the United Nations.
She announced as much just in a video a few moments ago.
You should know this about me.
I don't put up with bullies, and when you kick back,
it hurts them more if you're wearing heels.
Um, 1997 called.
It wants that joke back.
Oh, wait, it just called again.
It wants this joke back.
I actually thought this was a great ad,
and I'm excited to buy whatever pharmaceutical product
that nice lady was selling.
But this is going to be a tough race for Nikki Haley.
Right now, she's polling at just 1%,
and that's pretty bad.
I mean, even Mike Pence is at 2%.
Mike Pence's noose rope is at 5%, which is VP material.
[applause, cheering]
But you do get some advantages if you
run against your former boss.
My opponent's economic plan is terrible.
And when he poops in his office, we all hear him go,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I love political satire.
It's really my lane.
Whoever wins this election will be
commander-in-chief of the US Army,
although based on how recruiting is going lately,
that's going to be, like, 20 people.
The US Army is trying to recover from its worst
recruiting year in decades, and officials
say those recruiting woes are the result
of traditional hurdles.
Young people don't want to die or get injured,
they don't want to deal with the stress of army life,
and they don't want to put their lives on hold.
But the recruiting obstacles don't
seem to be rooted in concerns about the COVID-19 vaccine
or about wokeness, as some Republicans claim.
Only Republicans would have the freaking lips to blame
the lack of army recruitment on wokeness,
and the number-one reason that people really like not dying.
These Gen-Z kids are just like, why would I go get shot
in the Middle East when I can get shot in the comfort
of my middle school?
[cheering, applause]
I'm kidding.
That doesn't happen in America.
How is the military woke?
Help me here.
Soldiers are still soldiers.
They're not going to be in battle like, I don't
think this is a safe space.
Trigger warning, I'm going to pull my trigger.
But this drop in recruitment is coming at a really
perilous time for America.
If we don't have a strong military, the balloons win.
[laughter]
I think recruitment is done, because there are
too many pop star militias.
Young people would rather be in the BTS
Army or the Rihanna Navy or the Phoebe Bridgers Mujahideen.
This is so weird.
Like, why is everyone so obsessed with whether or not
something is going woke?
Anyway, let's move on to our next story.
What are God's pronouns?
REPORTER: Should God, should our father,
stop being referred to as he?
The Church of England is considering
whether to break with tradition and use gender-neutral terms
for the almighty instead.
Well, joining us now in the studio--
Anglican priest Charlie Bell.
Is our father actually a woman?
Ha!
What an interesting question.
Is it?
Is it really an interesting question?
I think God has bigger things on his mind than pronouns.
I mean, come on, the Super Bowl just happened.
You think those touchdowns score themselves?
And really, like, who cares about this?
There are actually people out there who
really need God to be a man.
God is the embodiment of all that
is good and merciful and holy, and he definitely likes girls!
And he only created mountains because he's
really into boobs.
It doesn't matter.
God is fake.
This is like debating whether Bigfoot wears Reeboks.
[laughter]
[cheering]
And finally, today is Valentine's Day,
the day when flowers find out which
house they're going to die in.
Seriously, why do we give people roses?
They are already dying the second you cut them.
You're basically giving someone a hospice patient.
Love them while you can.
Just try to keep them hydrated and make sure
they're as comfortable as possible.
But there is a Valentine's surprise
that's even worse than roses--
stealing people's money.
Well, this Valentine's Day, law enforcement
reminding you to keep an eye out for what
they call romance scams.
Officials say criminals will scour dating websites, dating
apps, chat rooms, build a relationship with you
with the goal of accessing your financial or other
personal information.
REPORTER: The FTC says romance scams
cost nearly 70,000 consumers $1.3 billion last year.
REPORTER: The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims.
Let's talk red flags.
This one might hurt, but if they're too good to be true--
gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle--
make a scammer's job of luring you easier.
If they seem sweet, genuine, caring, talking about a future
together a little more quickly than typical relationships,
they could be drawing you close to take advantage of you.
That's right.
You got to be careful out there.
If anyone literally ever says anything nice to you,
call the police.
And she said another red flag is
if the person has an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job,
gorgeous photos.
Oh, my god, am I a scammer?
Well, for more on these romance scams,
we turn to Michael Kosta.
Michael, it's--
[cheering, applause]
It is so sad to hear about this,
especially on Valentine's Day.
I know, Sarah, but every holiday
is an opportunity for scams.
Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook
claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me
for money, which was clearly a scam,
because I had already just wired the real Abraham
Lincoln $10,000.
There's only one Lincoln, buddy.
How stupid do you think I am?
You're very smart, Michael.
But let's focus on the romantic scams,
because I'm especially worried about how
they target the elderly.
Yeah.
The elderly are easy targets, because they're so vulnerable,
and they're so horny.
Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones.
That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.
You're catfishing your own grandmother?
As a preventative measure, yes.
The best way I can protect my 97-year-old grandmother
from being scammed is to scam her myself.
This way, she feels loved, and I
put all the money she sends me right
back into her bank account.
It's the same way I stopped dogs
from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street--
by eating them myself.
I'm sure the dogs are grateful.
But how does catfishing your grandmother even work?
Take me through this.
Well, it works the same as normal catfishing.
You create a profile of a charming but
believable person--
in my case, Miguel Gustavo, international art
dealer, and king of Brazil.
First, you like their posts, then you start the DMs.
Hey, I like what I see.
Show me what you got under that sweater
you knitted for yourself.
Here's what I'm packing.
Gross.
You send your grandma nudes?
Well, not my nudes, obviously.
I'm not a creep.
I send her pics of guys I find online.
OK.
Good, phew, I thought you exchanged nudes.
No.
I mean, she sends me her nudes.
God.
Look, I know it's gross.
I don't like it either.
I am glad she's using those yoga classes I got it
for Christmas, but-- but still, I don't want to see it,
just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about
how her grandson never calls, or have
her explain every episode of "the Yellowstone."
It's just Yellowstone, Grandma!
Look, I don't have a choice, Sarah, OK?
As Michael Kosta, I can't keep my grandma offline.
But as Miguel Gustavo, well, I can make sure her money
stays where it belongs--
in the bank account that I'm going to inherit one day.
I guess in its own way, this is actually
like a loving thing, Michael.
I hope all the men out there love their grandmas
enough to seduce them.
Thank you, Sarah.
I really am the best grands--
sorry, I got to get--
my grandma's DMing me.
Mi amor, please send $5,000.
I'm having my third kidney removed.
All right.
Well, thank you so much, Michael.