WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORD.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, WE
ARE COMING TO YOU TONIGHT HOT OFF CBS'S BROADCAST OF THE NCAA
MEN'S BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
WHAT A THRILLER! NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:
"STEVE, DON'T YOU TAPE THIS SHOW AT 5:30, SO THERE'S NO WAY YOU
COULD HAVE SEEN THE GAME?" AND TO THAT I SAY, "OH, YEAH?"
THEN HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT THE CHAMPIONS ARE
>> INSERT WINNING TEAM.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM.
AS FOR THEIR OPPONENTS, THEY FELL JUST SHORT AFTER A GREAT
SEASON, AND THERE'S STILL SO MUCH TO BE PROUD OF FOR
>> INSERT LOSER. >> Stephen: SO THERE YOU HAVE
IT, THAT'S IT, FRIENDS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO THAT'S A WRAP ON MARCH MADNESS, JUST IN TIME
FOR APRIL INSANITY! BECAUSE JUST A FEW BLOCKS
FROM THIS THEATER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS BACK.
HE IS HERE. I KNOW, I KNOW.
ALL THINGS TO LAST THURSDAY'S NEWS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT
HAD BEEN INDICTED BY A MANHATTAN GRAND JURY ON MORE THAN 30
COUNTS RELATED TO BUSINESS FRAUD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU CAN SEE IT ALL
ON THE NEW HIT SHOW: "LAW AND ORDER: HAHAHA!"
SO IT'S A SAD, SAD, HAPPY DAY FOR AMERICA.
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR HISTORY, A PRESIDENT HAS
BEEN INDICTED FOR PAYING OFF A PORN STAR.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT TO OUR GRANDCHILDREN?
HOPEFULLY IN THE BOOK "DONALD AND THE TERRIBLE,
HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD NDA."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW? WHAT DOES HE PLEAD?
WHEN IS THE TRIAL? WHAT IF HE GOES TO JAIL?
HE COULD END UP THE HEAD OF A VIOLENT WHITE
SUPREMACIST GANG... BUT IN PRISON THIS TIME!
[LAUGHTER] WE DO KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT
WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE NEAR TERM. BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WILL BE ARRAIGNED IN NEW YORK TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
THAT MAKES TONIGHT ARRAIGNMENT EVE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] "THE COURTHOUSE WAS STIRRING,
A BIG, BUSY THRONG AWAITING THE MAN
WITH THE MUSHROOM-SHAPED DONG... [LAUGHTER]
ALLEGEDLY." THE PART OF THE STORY THAT A LOT
OF PEOPLE FORGET, A LOT OF PEOPLE FORGET TO DESCRIBE IT.
TO MAKE HIS ARRAIGNMENT TODAY, THE EX-PRESIDENT FLEW
TO NEW YORK FROM FLORIDA. A ROUTE KNOWN AS THE
"REVERSE-GRANDMA." AND CABLE NEWS WAS ALL OVER HIS
JOURNEY. THEY FOLLOWED HIS MOTORCADE
TO THE AIRPORT. THEY THEN FOLLOWED
HIS PLANE TAXIING, HIS PLANE TAKING OFF,
HIS PLANE LANDING AT LA GUARDIA, AND HERE HE IS,
HIS WHITE BRONCO ON THE 405, WITH HIS BEST FRIENDS
AL COWLINGS AND RUDY GIULIANI. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF? GET OFF AT SUNSET, THAT'S WHERE
YOU GET OFF ON. HE'S ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE O.J.,
EXCEPT WITH THE EX-PRESIDENT, EVERY GLOVE IS TOO BIG.
[LAUGHTER] ALVIN BRAGG BETTER GET THOSE
THUMB CUFFS. THEN, TOMORROW, THE MOMENT
THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. HE'LL HEAD INTO THE D.A.'S
OFFICE, WHERE HE WILL RECEIVE A BOOKING NUMBER AND BE
FINGERPRINTED. THEY WON'T EVEN HAVE TO USE INK.
I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S ENOUGH KETCHUP ON THERE ALL THE TIME.
ONE QUESTION A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING IS
WILL THERE BE A MUGSHOT? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OF HIM,
BUT HERE IS MY MUG, AND I WILL DEFINITELY BE DOING A FEW SHOTS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WORD IS, THERE MAY NOT BE
A MUGSHOT, BECAUSE OFFICIALS ARE CONCERNED THE PHOTO WOULD BE
IMPROPERLY LEAKED, AND ARGUE IT'S UNNECESSARY BECAUSE
HIS APPEARANCE IS WIDELY KNOWN. YEAH, YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE
A NEW PHOTO TAKEN OF THIS GUY. WE ALREADY HAVE TONS OF PICS
THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT MUGSHOT. LIKE THIS ONE OR THIS ONE.
OR THIS ONE. OR THIS ONE.
ACTUALLY, NO. IT'S GOTTA BE THIS ONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JIMMY, CAN WE MAKE THAT
INTO A MUGSHOT? THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO. THEY DID SAY WIDELY KNOWN.
OF COURSE ALL OF THE CRONIES ARE ON TV HELPING THEIR BUDDY.
CASE IN POINT, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR
AND SAD LUNCH MEAT, LINDSEY GRAHAM.
GRAHAM WENT ON FOX NEWS TO ENCOURAGE THE MAGAS
TO SUPPORT THE EX-PREZ. >> TO THE CONSERVATIVES
OUT THERE, MAKE SURE YOU VOTE.
IF YOU GOT FRIENDS, MAKE SURE THEY VOTE.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS, GO MAKE SOME FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: "AND IF YOU CAN'T
MAKE FRIENDS, THEN LOOK INTO A MIRROR AND SAY,
'IT'S THEIR LOSS, LINDSEY', THEN CLIMB INTO A BUBBLE BATH
WITH A PINT OF HAAGEN DAAZS." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND A SNORKEL. EVERYONE ON THE RIGHT IS
OUTRAGED AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO CITIZENS.
>> IT'S NOT ABOUT TERM, IT IS ABOUT EVERY AMERICAN
BECAUSE IF THEY CAN DO IT TO TRUMP, THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU.
>> WITH THIS INDICTMENT, I THINK IT'S AN INDICTMENT OF
EVERYBODY IN AMERICA. I MEAN, IF IT CAN HAPPEN TO HIM,
IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AND I. >> IF THEY CAN DO THIS TO DONALD
TRUMP, THEY CAN DO THIS TO YOU. >> IF THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN
TO HIM, IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. >> IF THEY CAN DO THAT, THEY CAN
GO AFTER YOU AND ME. IF THIS INDICTMENT STANDS,
THEN NO ONE WHO HAS THEIR FIXER PAY SIX FIGURES IN
HUSH MONEY TO THEIR PORN STAR LOVER, THEN REIMBURSES THAT
FIXER OUT OF A BUSINESS ACCOUNTS, THEN FALSIFIES IT
AS LEGAL FEES AND CONSPIRES WITH THE PUBLISHER OF THE "NATIONAL
ENQUIRER" TO CATCH AND KILL STORIES ABOUT HIS OTHER
EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS AS PART OF ANOTHER ILLEGAL VIOLATION OF
CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAWS WILL BE SAFE.
NONE OF US! >> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: NO, THIS IS
SERIOUS. FOLKS.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING. FIRST THEY CAME FOR
THE FORMER PRESIDENT. AND I SAID NOTHING.
BECAUSE HE IS SO [BLEEP] GUILTY. [LAUGHTER]
IF YOU THINK HIS CABLE NEWS TOADIES' ARGUMENT CAN'T GET
ANY DUMBER, YOU'VE NEVER MET ERIC.
>> THEY GO AFTER MY FATHER FOR WHAT?
A NON DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT WHICH EVERY COMPANY IN THE WORLD,
EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD DOES. >> Stephen: WAIT.
ERIC THINKS EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS AN NDA?
JUST CURIOUS. SHOW OF HANDS.
WHO HERE HAS AN NDA? NOBODY.
OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, OR YOU'LL VIOLATE YOUR NDA.
THEN AGAIN, THIS IS ERIC WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,
SO, TO HIM, IT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
"I WISH I COULD HAVE A HUG BUT DAD MADE ME SIGN AN
N.D.A. NO DAD AFFECTION.
[LAUGHTER] HE SAYS EVERYBODY HAS ONE."
FOX NEWS LEGAL EXPERT BRIAN CLAYPOOL TRIED TO DEFEND
THE FORMER PRESIDENT BUT DIDN'T. >> IF THIS IS SUCH A TOUGH CASE
FOR HIM TO MAKE, WHY IS HE BRINGING IT?
>> I THINK THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT THAT HE WANTS TO
HUMILIATE PRESIDENT FRAUD -- OR PRESIDENT TRUMP.
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: OOPS, I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED A "FRAUDIAN"
SLIP. "YEAH, BRAGG JUST WANTS TO
HUMILIATE PRESIDENT FRAUD, I MEAN PRESIDENT PORN SEX,
I MEAN THROW HIM JAIL. I MEAN MY MOM'S BOOBS!"
[LAUGHTER] SO WHETHER ANYBODY LIKES IT OR
NOT, THIS IS HAPPENING. AND IT ALL KICKS OFF WHEN?
>> DONALD TRUMP IS DUE FOR ARRAIGNMENT TOMORROW.
>> TOMORROW. TOMORROW.
>> ♪ TOMORROW, TOMORROW ♪ ♪ HUSH MONEY ♪
♪ PORN STAR-O ♪ ♪ SHE SAID HE WAS ♪
♪ A... ♪ ♪ BAD... ♪
♪ LAY! ♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE SPORTS COMMENTATOR
STEPHEN A. SMITH AND "FBI: MOST WANTED" STAR
DYLAN McDERMOTT. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! IT'S "MEANWHILE!"