What has changed most for us
since the last time we were on {THE AND} ?
it's been
we, what- - we bought. No, no, no.
I'm just like, it's like where to start so much as we we we own a home.
um. - Yeah.
In L.A..
We own a home.
Yeah, we own a home in L.A..
And the biggest thing is like.
We have a kid! - We had a kid!
Yeah.
It happened.
Yeah, we did it.
We did the thing that we've been trying to do, and it's.
It's so big.
It's such a big thing.
It's objectively a huge thing.
Yeah, I.
I'm going to say something that sounds terrible.
I was terrified
about our relationship once we, like, had a kid,
but like, the kid, she.
She's making it even better.
Can you.
Can you elaborate?
I mean, we know people we have friends who
They had children, and you're just like, Oh, I hope they make it.
I feel like, yeah, I don't feel that anxiety.
You know, I feel pretty.
I feel like things are very strong.
There have been.
Our relationship is different.
It's not good. It's not bad. It's just different.
Oh, I thought I think it's my
wow. My point is, it's not that
It's very interesting to see
how our relationship is no longer about just us anymore, if that makes sense.
100%.
I think it's better.
Yes, I placed a value judgment on it.
I said better.
I'm just saying it's
I think we you and I were very much like, we're ride or die.
It's us versus the kid.
Whatever happens.
And like, now that the kids here, it's like, oh, yeah,
no, that's not how it works.
Like we're we're, it's now a team of three. It's very different.
Yeah.
We're a team of three.
I'm I have allergies.
I know it's a tick you have it's not even a tick.
I can't.
If I spoke, it would just be here. This year.
12 years.
It's. It's You tell it to tell.
You have it to tell that I'm about to read a thing.
Yeah, And.
And describe a moment
with our baby that you hope you will never forget.
Honestly,
it's when she was born.
That's so cliche.
There's got to be another moment.
But it's true.
Because in the delivery room, as she was coming out and I was running over
and telling you everything that happened,
and it was just like surreal.
And, you know, I think that whole time, the reason it's like,
so like, I don't want to forget it is we were exhausted.
It was a whirlwind and we didn't know she existed
since, you know, 11 days prior to her being born.
Like it went from we didn't know she existed to now
she's our everything in under two weeks.
In days. Yeah.
And you know, hadn't been around
that many newborns like she was just so fragile.
And then we take off her diaper and she pees everywhere.
That's like I don't want to forget those first moments
where it's in the middle of the night
and the sun's rising and we haven't slept
and we don't know what we're doing and we don't know what's next.
And even our stressed out of like, Is this real?
We've waited so long, is this real? And then
it was just that like
it went from is this real to this is very real in like an instant.
Yeah.
And so I don't want to forget that.
Yeah. I think for me
that was that first like day and a half where we didn't.
We've had so many false starts and things that have fallen through
and you know, we'd gone through a lot of
heartache.
Um, is for the whole time
we were down there waiting to see if this was going to happen.
I think it was a lot of like I almost I couldn't let myself believe it was real.
And I don't think it was until her birth mother left that I remember.
She left and we started bawling.
I think that's the moment that I never want to forget,
because I feel like that's the moment where, like,
we were like, Yeah, we were there for the delivery.
We're there for everything.
But like, that was the moment where I'm like, No, this is we're family.
Like, it's like we had a kid.
It that was the realest moment to me of it all.
You didn't see her come out.
I heard
you didn't see her.
Oh, shit.
Babies got a melon.
I love her so much.
What have you learned about me
as a parent that you didn't see in me as a lover?
Interesting.
You are someone who you lead
with a lot of good intentions and love.
Now watching you transition that into motherhood, it's
so much of it is in the best of ways.
It's the same.
You're kind of exactly the kind of mom I expected you
to be - Nailed it.
you are.
You are.
You are the you are exactly the kind of mother I expected you to be.
You know, I don't have a doubt that this kid's going to grow up
with healthy self-esteem and boundaries and... - She better.
I, I think the thing that I'm the most surprised about is
how on the money I was in my assumptions about you as a mom,
like, - I'll take that as a compliment - It is a compliment.
That's the whole point. Yeah. Oh, okay.
All right. Okay.
No, it's great.
It's like everything about this has been exactly what I hoped it would be.
Yeah, I feel like I know it will be hard.
Humans are hard.
We're trying to get a little human to be a big human
in a world that's terrifying and scary.
I feel like some people look at us and they're just waiting
for the other shoe to drop. And I'm like, I get it.
I have that feeling too.
But I'm like, I don't feel it. I feel like
this is a hard thing.
Raising humans are hard,
but we're going to be okay.
So many people have said that they're like, You two have never looked so happy.
I was like, It's true. We're really happy.
I've never been so happy.
I have.
I mean, I am happy.
Content are the things I want to do and dreams and go, Yes, absolutely.
I didn't die once I became a parent, like my insides, my goals,
but like it has, it's just awesome.
Yeah.
I don't know if you have this.
I we're four and a half months in now.
I don't How do I put this?
I don't feel like a dad.
I feel like I'm taking care of a human.
I feel like I have a baby.
I don't feel like a dad.
And I'm starting to wonder if that's all being a parent is
is, is like you just you just are you are indebted to a little human being.
Did you ever feel that?
Like what I mean, is it I feel like I feel like a mom.
I feel like a mom because I feel judged by society
I'm laughing because it's true.
I mean, the judgments, it's like, Oh, woman, you have a child, let me tell you
opinions you don't need.
So I feel the societal mom thing,
but I think for me, I,
I am hers for the rest of my life.
She will not
be mine.
I am hers.
And that's the part that I didn't really understand.
My life.
Now that she's in it, will end with her
in the sense that, like she will always be my child.
There is nothing she can do to take that away.
But when I think about the stereotypical motherhood thing...ooh still.
I mean, you hear me snap and I'm like, No, you can't do that.
The mother are coming for me.
Because, I mean, it's why you were so mad about the outfit I put her in the other day
I mean, it's like people are going to judge me for it.
I was like,
But I did it.
Yes, but they only judge me and I do.
And I like
the number of times and the
number of people who've...mainly men.
But the number of people who said,
Oh, don't you miss your baby?
If I step away from them, I'm like, Of course I miss my baby.
I love my baby.
I also have work to do. I also have my life.
I have to live.
And if I'm not living my life as a person
and being a good model for my daughter, what am I showing my daughter?
If she so chooses to identify as a female when she's an adult
I don't want her to have to struggle with all that bullshit because it's
it's doesn't I don't want to project that under her.
I didn't think that part would be so frustrating.
That's the part of motherhood I'm really struggling with because
half of all my work environments, that's what they're projecting onto me.
And I was like, Oh, that's the misogyny in the motherhood.
And I knew it existed intellectually.
I've read the books, but I didn't understand how
toxic and how much is repeated, if that is the relationship
you want to have with your child and you want to be there full time, go for it.
If that is not your relationship, also go for it.
Making sure your kid's taken care of, cool.
That's it.
When have you seen me
The most vulnerable.
And what did it teach you about loving me?
I don't know if this is the most vulnerable, but it.
It makes me think of today.
So get my hair done.
And I just wanted to make sure
baby girl, she was up and you were changing her,
and you were just talking to her
and you were talking to her so earnestly
and excitedly as she was literally taking a shit
and you were just so honest and present.
And I think you've achieved new levels of vulnerability
since she's come into our life.
And I think that maybe you were capable of it, but this is the best way
you've ever expressed your vulnerability because you're just so present.
She I've never been more present than when I'm with her. - I know.
it's it's shocking how like... it was like a month into into having her.
I think I turn to you.
I was like, I've never had never felt this consistently present in my life.
I've never seen you this present.
I have been
waiting to do this my whole life.
This is I remember in grade school being like, Oh, I can't wait to be a dad.
That seems cool.
And I've been waiting to do this for like 30 years.
We've been actively trying to do this for five years.
I mean it when I say almost every single day
I have to pinch myself because it doesn't it still does not feel real.
It's still wild to me that we're going to go home tonight
and there's going to be a baby living in our home.
It's it's wild to me.
How she sleeps...
And she's so
she's got a lot of personality, she's got a lot of personality.
I mean, her little
Three Stooges squirm around her crib.
We didn't Yeah, she just spiraled.
I mean, like, how can you not be?
I love that we, like, do music, you know, we sing
or there's so much more music in the house now.
But like all of those things are like,
I've been waiting my whole life to do this,
and now I get to do it and I know it's going to go fast.
And so I'm trying to, you know, everyone's like, Oh, you know, buckle up.
It goes fast.
And you cherish these minutes like, Yeah, no shit.
I'm trying to get the most out of this because I know it's going to go fast.
I can't believe almost five months have gone.
It's great.
It's cool.
It's very cool.
What does my love feel like?
Safety
home.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
It's a good answer.
Yeah, I'm. Yeah.
There's really nothing else to say.
I know this is an easy one.
What's your wish for our child?
Oh, that She gets to be whoever she needs to be.
Yeah. All I want is our kid.
She can be whoever she needs to be.
Not what
Because sometimes what you want to be isn't available to you
for a multitude of reasons, but who she needs to be.
That's. I want that.
I want that for our kid more than anything.
Because the world really has a lot of opinions on who you should be.
And I want her to be able to take ownership and space and be like,
Nah, this is it.
And like the middle finger to everyone else.
Yeah, I ...
I frequently
talk to her while I'm changing her and tell her like, all I want, period,
is to just find something you're passionate about and do it.
That's kind of all I really want for her.
In 20 years, when our daughter watches
this conversation, what do you hope she'll take away from it?
Oh man, that just made me really sad
because she'll be grown and gone.
She Yeah, but then
we get our room back.
Oh, that'll be nice.
I mean, she'll have a sofa to stay
but on priority she, she 20 years old, finally get that
sex room.
Yeah. And
she'll have complicated feelings, but just put the inflatable air
mattress by the St. Andrews cross.
Yeah, I think just know Mom and Dad are going to have so much more sex.
So don't take that part away.
But what would you like her to take away?
I think the thing I would want her to take away is
how much
we wanted her and how much we've planned for her
and how much we I want her to look back on this and
honestly, like, want to do this herself with someone.
I hope in 20 years
she looks at this and understands,
even if she's like, You guys suck.
Sometimes when you talk about sex or it was on camera,
I was like, Because we have sex and this one.
But I hope she's actually able to look and be like,
My parents loved each other.
My parents loved me
and they wanted the life they have
and they wanted the family and the
we say it so much,
but it's true.
I love her so fucking much.
I love you so fucking much.
I love our family.
And as it
continues to grow, it is awesome.
It's really awesome.
And I do not minimize the responsibility and the obligation
and I just want our baby girl.
If she watches this in 20 years to know
we only love her more.
I mean, it's I know it's cliche, but it's like that thing of like,
oh, you love them more every day. But it's true.
It's like
if you think that the well is full and then like, you wake up one day in
the well is like 20 feet deeper and you're like, nope, it's and I know
like going to wake up in 20 years and be like,
holy shit, time
be I can't wait to meet
the complex adult
with opinions who tells me I'm wrong.
You are occasionally wrong, but.
But she'll be wrong too. Don't worry, I'll tell her.
But it'll be respect that brings us to the table.
Because that's the thing.
I want her to know that on a primal level I respect her and I respect who
She needs to be.
And that's fucking cool.
It's really cool.
Do you think we say cool more because we live in California?
Probably. It is pretty cool.
Oh, man, That's a cool thing you guys all have in common.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still a girl.
I lived in New York.
I have a little bit of edge
when I'm still still a California girl.
I love you.
It's pretty fucking cool.
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