Hello! Hi. I know this must be confusing for ya,
I'm sitting over here now.
What we're doing is something a bit different.
This is my new character, I'm Dr. Jim.
As you'll see, I've got a skeleton and a scale
and a diploma. I'm not wearing a white coat
or a stethoscope or anything,
I'm not really committing to this bit.
I'm just here to deliver my diagnosis.
America is sick and the illness is this:
This country thinks of healthcare
not as a right, but as a privilege.
But you don't have the right to roads or clean water or the police,
yet we take all of that for granted.
I would gladly live in a Mad Max wasteland
if it meant free healthcare.
Yes, we're a society of fuel hoarding cannibals but
the Thunder Dome has an excellent outpatient clinic.
Healthcare is the one thing that is
not a public service.
Why do I have to pay for healthcare when the fire department is free?
I know how to put out a small fire.
I don't know how to get rid of a little bit of AIDs.
Somehow the rest of the world has it figured out.
These are the countries with Universal Healthcare.
And that means free healthcare for everyone.
And I mean free.
"This transplant costs tens of thousands of dollars,
but under Britain's National Health Service or NHS,
the patient doesn't pay a thing."
Yep, that's the country you fought so hard to leave, America!
You really showed them for taxing your tea, didn't ya?
Why is this country so sickened by Universal Healthcare?
Let me describe your symptoms and see if I can clear them up.
First complaint, Universal Healthcare means the government decides
who lives and who dies.
And yes, it's true.
Any healthcare system has a limited amount of money.
So some patients will take priority over others.
Let me put this in medical terms.
Say you're a rapper on a budget
and you're at a club and you're pouring champagne
over all the bitches.
Now, ideally all the bitches would get wet.
But you've only got so much champagne.
And there are a lot of bitches.
So you have to prioritize.
Which bitches oughta get the wettest?
Look, no-- this is, obviously--
obviously that's a hypothetical of course,
I don't approve of that. I would never do that.
'Cause I'm a beer guy!
When I go to the club I'm like, "Yeah-those yeasty smelling girls are with me."
Anywho- public health is like that.
Another complaint about Universal Healthcare is: who's going to pay for it?
I'll tell you who.
Me.
Me and the rest of the one percent.
All I want is a prescription for Oxycontin, just give it to me!
I don't wanna have any hassle. I told you, I have a sore foot!
Look,
I know that Universal Healthcare works because I have personally benefitted from it.
In 2004, I was attacked in Great Britain.
They fixed me up in the hospital and 3 days later, I just walked out.
All for free.
They didn't ask for identification. I wasn't even a British citizen.
Grant you, I didn't get the deluxe treatment in the hospital,
I was basically in the drunk c-nts ward.
It was Saturday night, everyone there had cuts in their faces from being glassed.
That's right, the British are the only people who use the word glass as a verb.
I've seen how the system works firsthand
and it can work here.
I have a plan.
It's called, JimCare.
It's my signature healthcare plan.
And all I did was just steal the best bits from everywhere else!
For example, in the UK and Australia, you can buy private insurance
on top of the government insurance, which lets you jump the line
and access additional benefits like--
It's like having a Disney Fast Pass.
Instead of just jumping the line on rides, you're jumping the line on chemo.
That would make a terrible Disney ride.
Next, Germany.
In 2018, they're rolling out new ID cards.
They let you access health records from anywhere in the country.
Why is the US so far behind on this stuff?
Germany already has a complicated relationship assigning people ID numbers.
If they can get past it, so can we.
Now, next- the French.
Now the French are known to be a bit c-nty.
Sorry, sorry, trés c-nty.
But their hospitals are quite compassionate.
For example, a patient who has to stay overnight
gets a bed next to him for his wife.
And because it's France,
another bed on the other side
for his mistress.
And a tiny, little bed for his wine and his cigarette.
(French accent): I am so sick!
It's going in JimCare, I love it!
Next, China.
Even they have us beat.
They used to have the same for-profit healthcare structure that we have now,
but in 2008, they made a committment to insure everyone in the country.
Four years later, 95% of the population had healthcare.
Think about that next time you're using your iPhone.
Even the child laborer who made it has better healthcare than you.
So that's my plan!
Throw in Australia's subsidized insurance, France's compassion,
Germany's technology, Columbia's reasonably priced plastic surgery,
Japan's cutting-edge treatment,
Holland's highly versatile massage therapists,
and Britain's ability to pick beer glass out of your face with no questions asked.
That's JimCare for everyone, we'll be right back.