- Oh, my God, she doesn't even know why she's being chased.
That's the thing about amnesia no one talks about,
you don't remember anything.
- I've been jerked off in a sauna with people watching.
- An alien (beep)ed me and gave me herpes.
- Yeah.
- That's what this is.
(intense orchestral music)
- [Narrator] The novelty in general.
- [Katya] Sharks. Oh, that's an airplane.
Oh, it's mile high club.
- And the plane goes straight up your ass.
And no it's not a shark you (beep)ing blind (beep).
Oh, shark in the pussy?
I'm there.
Okay.
- Deep sea diving, mama, born in the game.
(both laugh)
- The secretive aspect of it,
where, like, I've never done this before.
- Famous last words, god.
Billowing gaping ass hole.
- I love in gay porn when it's like-
- Never done this before.
- Over there at the camera, they'd be like,
"Have you ever done this before?"
And the guy's like, (beep)ing never.
- Yeah, I've never even thought about being with a guy.
Like, leaning over,
their whole body's sucked into the black hole of their ass.
- Hope my wife find out, okur.
- Yeah, seriously.
- Like, it's so much.
- I have done sexual things on the Brooklyn bridge.
- [Katya] Nice, bridge sex.
- Just about to jump until somebody came up and flashed me.
(Katya laughs)
- Back in Boston I was in line at Dunkin' Donuts
to get an iced coffee.
And, I was in back of a construction worker.
And he had the fattest ass I've ever seen in my life,
in real life, in person.
I started having a full body reaction,
almost like allergic, in a good way.
I started getting flushed-
- Where'd you bury the body?
(Katya laughs)
- Can you explain this?
Didn't think so, baby.
- I think that's eye contact.
(Katya laughs)
- Classic quarantine in space scenario,
everybody goes bananas.
It's called space break.
- We've been in quarantine for six months
and I've had some dark thoughts.
So, I can't imagine.
- Yeah.
- What would you bring to keep your vibe?
- Bitch, I would never go.
Three years in outer space to do what?
Look at some red rock?
- I mean, I'd definitely bring books.
I would pick some (beep) that I would always want to read
but would never, like, actually take the time to do it.
Bring the Constitution, bring the Bible.
- These taste like soap.
- That might be fake, sis.
Some of these are fake.
Are you eating a fake one?
(Trixie laughs)
- He said he had a stroke.
Mom, you're not still going are you?
- [Trixie] Go (beep) that kid.
- [Katya] Who's that kid? I don't know her.
- [Girl] Mom, I need you here.
- I want to be there, I want to be there more than anything.
But, I can't be right now.
- [Katya] She's now facing the possibility
of both parents being gone.
- But then, freedom.
- Whoo.
(Katya laughs)
- Whooo.
- [Katya] House party.
- [Mother] Hold on a sec.
- [Katya] WAP starts playing.
- I almost said the exact same thing.
I almost said the exact same thing.
- Well, my dad, Humvee he was traveling in hit an ID.
- I didn't even know cars could have IUD's.
- Cars can get pregnant?
There's something, I don't know, about the British accent
that is like, What's clear in this moment,
is that you are a total piece of (beep).
- It's very apparently that you've done nothing.
- Nothing you've done in your life is any good at all.
And that you're destined for suicide.
- And I would know, because I'm Michael Caine.
- Yeah. (Katya laughs)
- [Trixie] Ooh.
- [Katya] What the hell?
- Speaking of who done it-
(both laugh)
Right at the camera.
What the (beep)?
- Oh.
- See, Alice isn't afraid to just do it.
- I love those-
- What is happening?
(Katya laughs)
(hands clap)
- He looks like those little chipmunks.
(Trixie laughs)
- [Trixie] Why does he keep looking at the camera?
- [Katya] I don't know.
- 13 minutes remaining.
- [Katya] Oh boy, here we go.
Not (beep)ing Santa!
- I'm leaving.
You guys, trash.
- What, what?
Oh my God.
- I can't take it.
I can't, I can't.
He looks like somebody just slipped at thumb up his ass.
Like-
- Yeah.
- That was too (beep)ing much.
- Wait, wait, do it to that camera now.
- If (beep) they show that model looking into the camera
one more time, I'm going to flip this table.
(eerie music)
(hand yells)
- [Man] 30 seconds.
(Katya claps)
(Katya snorts)
Times up.
(gentle music)
- Would you dress like Katya
if you were a professional female ice skater?
- Oh, yes I would.
And my signature move would be
a gliding backbend where I grab the ankles,
go all the way back, lick the ice.
- So, your feet are on the ground,
and in your face is touching the ice.
- No, no, just the tongue.
How about this, Tokyo 2020,
that's the summer Olympics, but whatever.
I'm going for my signature move, everybody loves it.
They want to see me to lick that ice.
- Mm hm.
Lick that ice! Lick that ice!
- It's like a victory lap.
- There real question is, (Katya laughs)
two moves into her program, is she going to lick the ice?
- Hey, guess what? Yes I do.
But, just like in "A Christmas Story,"
tongue gets stuck on the ice.
- And then you flip over.
- Flip over.
- Tongue torn off.
(Katya laughs)
(gentle music)
- What is this music?
- Straight people are weird.
- Yeah.
You play music when you do the sex?
- I like too, but then I think people get jokey,
they think I'm, like, being funny.
- Why? What kind of music you play?
- Well-
(banjo music)
Well, I think a lot of gay guys,
they want, like-
("We Like to Party")
Like, Venga Boys.
(Katya laughs)
If your not (beep)ing to Venga Boys, are you (beep)ing?
(Trixie laughs)
Venga Boys-
- "Mambo Number Five."
- Yeah, "Mambo Number Five," "Tub Thumping," Chumbawumba.
(Katya laughs)
We'll be singing.
Right when I nut.
He drinks a whisky drink, yes, for sure.
Vitamin C, "Graduation."
That's my (beep) list right there.
(hand claps)
(Trixie laughs)
- Put it on a loop, put it on a loop.
- [Paul] Trifle is one of those classic-
- Oh, who is that?
I've just been informed
that the hot judge's name is Paul Hollywood.
- Uh.
- Which means he's done porn.
(Katya laughs)
He's done pornography.
Eight minutes? I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
All of Hollywood, get over here.
He would walk into this pink sixties paradise
and his pants would drop.
And that (beep)ing 12 inch uncut thing
would roll out on the floor and it would be over.
(Katya laughs)
It would be over.
It'd be over.
I'd throw it over my shoulders, like a mink stole.
And I'd do a number, frankly.
(Trixie laughs)
God, I'm so gross.
- [Katya] You're gonna get gay rights
taken away from all of us.
- [Trixie] I know.
- [Woman] This is disgusting.
(woman screams)
(woman laughs)
- They threw it out the window.
They threw it out the window?
- [Man] That's a penis pump.
- They threw it out the window!
(Katya laughs)
What the (beep)?
I would find it intrusive
if you took the trash out at my house.
- Anna's nice to people,
but if you cross her lines, she's gonna cut you, bitch.
- That (beep) was rude.
It's rude to be in there,
it's rude to show it to the cameras,
it's rude to throw it out the window.
You're a dumb (beep).
- Don't come over to my house
and throw penis pump out the window
while I'm getting my innards massaged.
- At least let me lay down on the lawn,
so that when it falls out the window,
it has somewhere to land.
- He's the one that went into your bathroom and all that.
- [Trixie] Now she's throwing her gay under the bus, like-
- Are these people insane?
- My Postmates, "What's the door code?"
I'm like, "I live here, not you."
Unless you're delivering and you live here.
We're (beep) in the street.
I can't have you in here.
My chachkis-
- My Waterford Crystal.
- Uh.
My Faberge eggs.
(Katya laughs)
- [Woman] You take care of Mrs. Peterson.
- [Trixie] She was in her house vibing a couple hours ago.
- [Katya] Yeah.
- [Trixie] And now look.
- [Katya] Get your laws off my granny.
(techno music)
Ebay, here we come.
(Katya laughs)
- Yes.
See, if this was two gay men grifting,
they'd be like, "Well, we can't sell that,
have to keep that."
(Katya laughs)
"That's gonna be perfect for the guest room."
- "That's going into storage, my own stor-"
- "Oh, is this a yarn?
Is this is a yarn art?
Oh, I'm keeping that."
(Katya laughs)
- [Both] Faberge eggs!
(both laugh)
- Yes! Yes!
- She has kidnapped my mother!
- [Trixie] This is about Brittany.
- You can't care for her by doing what she wants.
You have to do what she needs.
- That's me representing myself.
(Trixie laughs)
- I'm going to call up my first witness, me.
And then you walk behind the-
- Wig change.
- And then you cross examine yourself.
- Yes.
- Where were you in the night of Decebruary 57th?
- I'm so glad you asked.
(both laugh)
- Oh, I wanna be gross, they have a hot dad.
- You've said that about every single dad
in every program we've ever watched.
- I know.
I want that hot potent dad nut.
(both laughs)
- You disgusting-
- I want that (beep) to shoot mercury.
- Thing.
What makes a woman want to give up her life
to take care of someone else's children?
- [Trixie] Whenever I hit my kids, the state gets mad.
- [Katya] I need full-time foreign baby models.
- I run an Etsy where I do kids' clothing,
and this would be perfect.
- Seems odd to me too.
But I saw your ad six months ago,
(fingers snap)
when I first arrived in London,
and I've seen it every month since.
(fingers snap)
- She said, if you want to read,
let's get together before we read.
- She said, "Hold on a second-"
- Let me wet my throat,
let me stay hydrated before I (beep)ing tear you apart.
- So, I suppose you're right.
What is the catch?
- She threw the shade right back at him
and then pursed her lips.
(hands clap)
- [Man] And then we'll be on our way.
- On your way to call the cops.
- This whole town is crazy.
(hands clap)
Hey, should we go to Yogurt Stop?
- You really thought you'd just walk in here, huh?
Like, anything is a possible fight.
- Turn around, everybody's, like, whipping chains.
- I should've learned karate.
Drag is so stupid and this is so cool.
The way I would waste people left and right for no reason.
- Then you just be antagonizing people, innocent people.
- I would be in federal prison
for killing people with style.
- Whores love this.
- [Man] Hey mom.
- [Katya] I heard some kind of gay talking going on.
- [Trixie] The whole hallway smells like cum.
(Katya laughs)
(metal tinkles)
- (beep)
- I can't believe, oh.
Hillary Clinton thought he was raw dogging it.
- So-
So, she's learning that this chess game
could wield a little bit of cash money.
- Oh, really?
- And then the mom is also seeing dollar signs too, so.
- They get a little grift cooking.
- Nothing brings a family together
like exploiting children for business.
- Absolutely.
- Brittney's dad encouraged her to do music
and she's fine now.
(Katya laughs) - Yes.
- What is she doing?
What!
Me, manifesting a (beep) every night.
- Are those a penis candle?
- Yes, it was a dick!
I know a dick anywhere.
- It's a little heavy handed.
- Category is: straight man writing for the role of a woman.
(Katya laugh)
They were this close to calling this, "Circle Jerk."
- I would like to be perceived
as a real ass bitch in a fake ass world.
(man laughs)
(lips smack)
- Well, that's not how we perceive you, Glen.
- I need a 45 minute nap to process that.
- Circle, I would like to start a group chat
with the girls only.
I would like to call it The Skinny Queens.
(dishes clatter)
- Let me get this together today,
because this day is the best thing
that's ever happened to me in my entire life.
- I think he's going to put your hand in warm water
and see if she'll pee herself.
(both laugh)
- Put her bed, get that wrist, put in warm water
and just wait.
- Yes!
(Katya laughs)
- [Man] John's a muscled up bully kind of guy.
- (beep) me though.
(Trixie laughs)
I'm sorry, whatever.
- The heart wants what the heart wants.
- I'm gonna take my asshole
and slide it in between those teeth so fast.
You know what I want to do to him?
You know those long magnetic things
that are like antennas?
- Yeah.
- Like, car antennas?
I want to grab the end of it right on that ring
and just
(tongue clicks)
And then just pull, and see that skin batwing out.
I just want to see that skin stretch.
And then when I get far enough away that it recoils,
it'll knock him off that chair.
(Katya laughs)
- As a monarch, you want somebody predictable,
reliable and cabbage like.
- You do have to be boring.
- And then somebody who's off the chain,
unhinged, on drugs.
(both laugh)
- It's like being Aaron Carter,
you don't have to be Nick.
You can get a face tattoo in your house
and move to Canada.
I'm watching those live feeds.
(Katya laughs)
Every time Aaron Carter goes live, I'm watching you.
I'm watching you.
- [Katya] Is that the duke?
- [Trixie] Can I ask what it duke is?
- [Katya] The duke is like a duchess, but a man.
- And what's a duchess, like, just-
- Like, the duke, but a girl.
(Katya laugh)
- But, is the duke in charge of anything,
or is it just like a royal cousin?
- They do dukedom, dukedom, duke stuff.
- You know what I ask people?
Like, were you a rich kid?
And they're like, "Uh, you know."
I'm like, okay, first of all, red flag.
Don't be embarrassed, you were rich.
I'm not embarrassed about (beep)ing
riding a donkey to school.
(Katya laughs)
She was my mother and I loved her very much.
(gentle music)