What gets me is how surprised
people are when an ugly person can
do something that another person
can do.
Whenever an ugly person can do
something, people are just--
did you see that?
Did you see that person do something
that I've seen other people do?
Did you see that?
(audience laughing)
That's how we got
America's Got Talent, right?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it came from Britain.
The beginning show, the first show,
was Britain's Got Talent.
And on that first season,
there was a woman
named Susan Boyle.
Yeah.
Susan Boyle had an angelic voice,
a beautiful voice, but she looked
like a troll doll, OK?
(audience laughing)
So when she started singing,
people just went, what do you do?
What?
(audience laughing)
And it became one
of the first viral video moments.
People would show it.
Can you believe that?
Can you believe
that she can do that?
(audience laughing)
She's not even pretty,
and she can do that.
(audience laughing)
Do I believe that ugly people
can sing?
Yes, we've been doing it forever.
(audience laughing)
Have you seen Mick Jagger?
Have you?
(audience laughing)
I'm not talking today Mick Jagger.
I'm talking
young Jagger, young Jagger.
Remember that?
Remember that look, young Jagger?
All right, he could sing.
He could dance.
He was a rock and roll star,
and that's a good thing.
Because if he couldn't, if he was
the night shift in a Circle K,
you'd be like, I don't want him
touching my stuff.
(audience laughing)
I don't even think I want to go
in there.
Have you seen that guy?
(audience laughing)
Luckily, people can sing.
So many of them could sing that,
quite honestly, when I meet
an ugly person, I tell them,
"sing me a song."
(audience laughing)
I just expect them to be able to do it.
(audience laughing)
My wife loves The Voice.
She loves it because she's
a beautiful person.
She calls it a singing competition.
I call it a sad story competition,
right?
Because they sing for 60 seconds,
but they tell a 4-and-1/2-minute
sad story.
(audience laughing)
That's a sad story competition.
If you meet somebody and every time
you meet them,
they punch you in the face four
times but then they kiss you,
they're not a kisser, OK?
And I don't know why you keep
meeting up with that person.
It's clearly abuse.
But I know why they do it.
I know why they tell this story.
Because I've walked in on my wife
watching the show.
And I've asked her, hey, honey,
who do you think is going to win?
"Well, I hope Ryan wins."
(audience laughing)
Is he the best singer?
"Well, he's really good,
"but he had a very difficult life."
(audience laughing)
But he's not the best singer.
"It's not just about singing."
It's called The Voice!
(audience laughing)
And I don't understand it.
I don't get it.
I don't understand
what the story is for.
I understand the singing part.
Get up there and sing.
If you can sing, I'll applaud.
If you can't, we'll get rid of you.
It's almost as funny.
(audience laughing)
What does the story have to do--
it's a craft and a talent.
That's it, a craft and a talent.
Look, if you hire somebody to build
cabinets in your kitchen and you
come home and they're all slanted
but your wife's like,
"oh, he's adopted,"
are you going to be--
(audience laughing)
Are you going be like, "well, I guess
just put everything on the left?
(audience laughing)
"I mean, it's going to end up
"there anyway.
(audience laughing)
"Nothing against you, buddy,
"but I mean,
"your adopted dad didn't show
"you how to use a level?
"I don't know."
(audience laughing)
The sad story just doesn't--
and it's always a sad story.
It's always-- it's never
a good story.
That's how you know it's ridiculous,
right?
And the reason why it's not
a good story is because we don't
want to hear good stories.
That's not what people are made of.
Do you ever have somebody tell you
about a new relationship they're in,
that they just met--
"I met somebody,
"and he's really sweet."
And you're like, ah, OK.
(audience laughing)
But if they say,
"oh, we just broke up,
"and it was so horrible."
You're like, ah,
I'll get the popcorn.
I'm here.
I'm here for it.
(audience laughing)
We don't want good stuff.
That's why you never see-- nobody
ever comes out of those shows
and goes, "the reason why I'm here is
"well, my parents love
"and support me,
"and I come
"from a wonderful community
"with great schools.
"And I have respect for myself
"and others."
Boo!
We're not rooting for you.
Your parents did it right.
Boo!
(audience laughing)
Boo!
You had a good life.
Boo!
Boo, fascist, boo!
Fascist?
Where did you get that?
(audience laughing)
So it's got to be a sad story.
But quite honestly, a lot of people
in America don't have that sad
of a story.
They're still reaching for stuff.
"One of my parents was an alcoholic."
Oh, get in line, Kevin.
(audience laughing)
"People were mean to me at school."
Same line, Kevin.
Same line.
(audience laughing)
I'm not saying your story doesn't
mean anything.
Don't walk away with that.
If you have a sad story,
I'll listen to it.
It means something.
It's important.
It just doesn't mean anything
to your talent, all right?
But if you have a sad story,
I'll listen.
My dry cleaners I go to
is a Haitian family that lost
everything in that huge earthquake,
lost everything, started
from scratch.
Not only that, they immigrated
to America, learned a new language,
saved up money,
bought a small business.
And as a family, they run it together.
And whenever the matriarch is there,
I sit down with her.
And I let her tell me the story
because it's a story of struggle.
It's a story of independence.
It's a story of overcoming
obstacles.
It's an American story.
But if my shirts aren't
available by Tuesday--
(audience laughing)
--well, then I got to go around
the corner to the Filipino family
that lost everything in the tsunami.
Now, they're a little
heavy on the starch, but I need it
Tuesday.
You understand?
(audience laughing)
All right.
Listen, you're going to hate
this joke, but I'm going to do it
anyway, OK?
(audience laughing)
I know you're not--
I know.
I know, and I'm on your side,
kind of.
But I wrote it and I like it,
so I'm going to do it.
(audience laughing)
Here's how dumb I am.
I'm always waiting for a real moment
on these shows I watch with my wife,
The Voice.
I'm always waiting
for a real moment,
and it's television.
And I know television.
I've written for television,
so I know there's no real moments.
It's all scripted.
But still, in my dumb head,
I'm like, one day, they're going
to do the right thing.
You know?
(audience laughing)
And I always wanted this moment,
because they have it on every one
of these shows.
The little girl, she comes out
on stage, and she's sad.
She's sad.
And the judge is like,
"why are you sad?"
She like, my nana died.
And just once, I want a producer
to step out into the spotlight
with a clipboard and go, "guess what,
"honey?
"That's what nanas do, OK?
"What music would you like us
"to cue up?
(audience laughing)
"This is a singing competition,
"not who has the fewest relatives.
"You clearly move on in that."
See?
I told you you weren't going
like that joke.
(audience laughing)
And it's funny.
(audience laughing)
I disagree with you.
(audience laughing)
My wife likes The Voice.
I like Chopped.
It's a competition show, right?
I like Chopped.
If you don't know,
Chopped is a cooking competition
show.
Grand prize, $10,000.
10 grand.
And what they do is,
they take everyday,
regular chefs. Right?
And they give them
weird ingredients,
and they have a short period of time
to make a meal.
So they have weird ingredients
and a short period of time
to make a meal.
So they'll be like, "all right.
"Open your baskets.
"All right, you have the buttocks
"of an otter, all right?
"Saliva of an orphan and a wasp nest,
"OK?
"Now, you have 20 minutes
"make us a dessert."
I'm on the edge of my couch.
Is he going to use strawberries,
Nancy?
(audience laughing)
No.
Blackberries because the wasp nest.
What was I thinking?
(audience laughing)
But definitely mascarpone.
I don't even know what that is,
but they use it.
(audience laughing)
Here's the reason why I love
Chopped.
Chopped has the sad story portion
of the show.
They let the chefs tell
their sad story.
But the great thing about Chopped
is that the judges listen
to the sad story.
And then they just disregard that,
(audience laughing)
and they base everything
on the food.
So they'll have moments like this.
"The reason why I'm here this week,
"my best friend, my aunt,
"passed away.
"She was 90.
"So there at the end, pretty much
"everything was killing her.
(audience laughing)
"And she's the one who taught me
"to cook.
"And I just want her to know
"that this tradition will carry on."
And the judges are like, ah, aw.
That's awful.
You know what else is awful?
This chum bucket you just laid
in front of me.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
What, did you season that
with your tears?
Is that what you did?
(audience laughing)
Pack your things and get out.
You've been chopped.
I come off of my couch.
Yeah!
(audience applauding)
Finally, a meritocracy.
(audience laughing)
I wish they would go all the way.
Because they always have chefs
on the show that say,
"I'm not here for the money."
It's 10 grand.
That's a lot of money.
Not only do I want them there
for the money,
I want that to be a part
of their story.
That's the Chopped episode
I'm looking for.
Hey, Bob, why are you on Chopped
this week?
"Oh, well, I owe these guys in South
"Boston 10 grand.
"And if I don't pay them by Friday,
"I'm dead."
(audience laughing)
Well, sharpen your knives, Bob.
Big day for you, ain't it?
(audience laughing)
How about you, Mary?
Why are you here?
"These people have our children, OK?
"And if we don't give them money,
"I don't think we're going to see
"Tommy and Katie again."
Well, get your mise en place
in place, Mary.
(audience laughing)
How about you, Chad?
How are you doing?
"Oh, I'm killing it on Instagram,
"and I got a trust fund.
"I'm doing good!"
And everybody hates Chad.
(audience laughing)
He's the fill-in.
They got hashtags.
#BooChad.
But you know who wins?
Chad.
You know why?
He knows how to cook risotto,
and that's all this is about.
(audience cheering)
I know.
(audience applauding)