- New York is so gross, it's the only city
where water falls on you and you're like,
that could be anything. (audience laughing)
At this point I'm like,
I hope it's just pee. (audience laughing)
I gave money to a homeless man and my grandma's like,
"Real New Yorkers don't give money to the homeless."
Real New Yorkers are homeless. (audience laughing)
I was walking down the street
somebody told me to go back to where I come from,
I'm just white and gay,
this guy thinks that
there's a country- (audience laughing)
Where gay people come from,
which means he knows about Canada.
(audience laughing)
Another friend told me I can code-switch
which is where you talk differently to fit in,
and I was like, "Nah, you tripping,"
I see it. (audience laughing)
Of course I code-switch.
Like I can't even disagree with hot people,
you know, it's like.
Yeah, one time I was having sex with this guy,
and I am gay by the way,
and he was like, "What with that cropped blouse?"
And he was, "Are you into water sports?"
I didn't know what that was, but he was, he was really hot,
so I said, "That's my favorite."
(audience laughing)
And then he peed on me
and I just- (audience laughing)
And then I just had to look up at him and be,
"Oh good, it's my favorite, thank you,
thank you, papa."
And here's the thing,
when someone's peeing on you there's (laughing),
there's never, there's (laughing),
there's not a good moment, you know,
there's not a window to be like,
"Actually this is
gonna sound crazy"- (audience laughing)
"I just remembered I don't like being peed on,
bye, thank you." (audience laughing)
I did not enjoy it,
but it cleared my head. (audience laughing)
I was being peed on and I'm like,
I should go back to school. (audience laughing)
And (laughing) so here's the weirdest part
is he wasn't standing above me to pee on to me,
like you know you should, I don't know why he put it,
he was- (audience laughing)
But he was lying down
next to me. - Oh!
- Yeah, that, oh, is exactly,
that's, for the rest of you, well, geometrically,
let's figure that out together you know.
So he was here, I was here,
he aimed the dick with, you know what I mean
with the right angle
of the penis- (audience exclaiming)
And power of the stream of the pee
so that he could like parabola the pee
onto my face, sort of like in "Angry Birds,"
you know you gotta- (audience laughing)
And then from my perspective
pee is just coming from nowhere,
just sky pee- (audience laughing)
Now that's a trigger, every time it rains
I'm like, "Not now, Todd." (audience laughing)
And then this is true after he asked,
he asked if I let people
eat on my bed (laughing). - No.
- I was like, "Now I do." (audience laughing)
How crazy would it be if I was,
"I don't wanna get crumbs
on the pee," (audience laughing)
"It's good pee."
Do you guys remember the family computer?
(all laughing)
I mean one computer, the whole family shared it
and I didn't realize it until later
I think my whole family masturbated
in the same chair. (audience laughing)
(audience exclaiming)
And I would (laughing),
I'd watch porn on the family computer,
I'd watch gay porn, I'm gay by the way,
and under- (audience laughing)
With those pleated jeans, no, he's not.
And underneath the gay porn in case somebody walked in,
I had straight porn. (audience laughing)
You know what I shoulda hid my gay porn with
instead of straight, anything else,
anything else, anything else.
That'd be like if I was shooting up heroin,
but just in case mom walks in
I have an ordinary line of cocaine
that's ready to go. (audience laughing)
Also what was the plan?
You know, my mom walks in on me and then what,
I quickly exit out of a browser
and she's, "What are you watching?"
And I'm, "What am I watching,
pussy." (audience laughing)
"You caught me, oh no."
"Oh, I guess you're gonna have
to tell everybody at school about your
pussy loving son." (audience laughing)
Now I fuck bears.
(audience exclaiming)
Yes, I love saying that
because all the queer people are always like, "Yes!"
And then the straight people are like,
"Are we doing, are we doing that in the zoo?"
"I swear it gets harder to be an ally every day."
(all laughing) (audience clapping)
No, it's a queer community so it's bears,
they're bigger guys, I like a belly, I love a...
Another way to say, I'm diabetic,
my type is type 1, but my type is type 2.
(audience exclaiming) (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
That is my best joke
so take your time. (audience laughing)
Really do the math I feel like it's worth it.
I just like, sorry I've never been having sex with a guy
and been, "Yeah he's hot, but what do his bones feel like?"
(audience laughing)
You guys like bones, why do you like bones so much?
You love bones, this is weird,
like call me a chubby chaser
I'll call you a Golden Retriever,
go fetch your bones, go get your bones
you shallowly obsessed perverts.
Like gimme a belly, I love a belly,
Sam, that's creepy, what do you do with a belly?
What do you do with tits, I have no idea.
I think it's the same thing,
you stare at 'em and go, nice. (audience laughing)
I'm a fan.
You know, also like creepy, at least bellies
don't have eyes. (audience exclaiming)
There's a lot of contradictions here,
straight guys love huge tits,
what's a belly but the single biggest tit ever?
(audience laughing)
Yo Sam, check out her double Ds,
check out his single Q. (audience laughing)
It's like, sorry, I've never seen a huge dick
and been like, no,
I want two tiny dicks. (audience laughing)
(Sam laughing)
Bellies are just so sexy.
Just a big fuckin',
I'll say it right here, right now,
belly is the new ass. (audience exclaiming)
(audience clapping)
Believe me, or don't,
in 10 years the watermelon emoji
is gonna be huge. (audience laughing)
Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Did you know that? - Yes.
- It's true, he had a secret lover,
a secret gay lover, a senator,
his name was Joshua Speed,
they wrote love letters to each other.
One of them said,
"My heart yearns for you, romantically."
(audience awing)
Another one said, "You up?" (audience laughing)
Also, his wife's name was Mary Todd,
that's literally what he wanted to do.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
You know.
So I kinda think everyone was gay back then
because back then men wore heels, and wigs, and makeup,
that was the standard of masculinity.
The manliest man, they wore heels, think about that.
Imagine, if George Washington were here today
RuPaul would take one look at him,
"We need that queen on the show."
(audience laughing) "Look at her!"
"I mean legs for days, beats of the gods,
sure she doesn't have teeth, but I mean,
she has charisma." (audience laughing)
They'd have a whole season obviously called,
Founding Daddies. (audience laughing)
And now the rules of masculinity are so different,
there's a lot of rules you know.
They're chaotic, they don't make any sense.
You're to be a man, do not be called gay,
you know what I mean?
Like you gotta, you can wear watches,
but you can't wear earrings because time is straight,
but sound is gay. (audience laughing)
Short shorts are gay, but long shorts are straight,
but capris are gay, pants are straight,
pant suits are lesbian and theater is gay,
but if you're in your underwear,
it's wrestling. (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I can't follow these rules,
there's just too many rules.
I don't have to, I'm free, I can do this, you know?
You know, why is this so gay?
Why is that so, it's just a limb extend,
it's just a limb, it's just that,
why is fully extending your limbs
just the gayest thing? (audience laughing)
Why is this so gay?
Why is that so, that's the gayest thing,
but limbs are for everybody,
we should be able to extend them.
(audience laughing)
I'm worried about straight men
'cause if you don't use it, you lose it,
that's how evolution works
and I think in five million years
straight men are not gonna have arms,
or butt holes, and you're just sort of walking on 'em,
use 'em. (audience laughing)
What do you think they're there for?
Put a finger up there and figure it out, it's not decor,
or you're gonna lose 'em and then in five million years
you're just sorta gonna be just waddling around
just begging gay men to get things on high shelves.
And we're gonna do it 'cause we're gonna have 50 arms
because we used them, they're gonna be dicks,
we're gonna be helicopters flying above you guys
singing show tunes and you're gonna wanna dance,
but you can't because you never anally masturbated
and now you're pooping out of your mouth.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing continues)
Any questions or? (audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And that's why belly is the new ass,
and fuck Dylan Adler.
I'm Sam Morrison, goodnight. (audience laughing)