Daddy Owen: I’m trying to get closer to my lady friends. I think I’ve learned a
lot about where you guys are right?
Now to find out what it really feels like to be a pregnant man, we decided to invite
over a bunch of women over to my house and just sit down with them, and have them tell
us what I should be experiencing to be a pregnant man.
What should we do to me, to make me experience symptoms that you had?
Lady 1: A ham, cream cheese and one of those little containers you know? Right up there
and blow your nose – get somebody to like, oh I forget, you don’t have an up there.
Daddy Owen: Somebody bought some pickles and some ice cream and they were all drinking
– I wasn’t and I learned a hell of a lot.
I have to go through everything.
Lady 2: The flatulence.
Daddy Owen: What was that?
Lady 2: Flatulence and indigestion.
Daddy Owen: When does the flatulence start?
Lady 3 with baby: Sometimes it starts early on and sometimes its not until the end but…
Daddy Owen: Really?
Lady 3: Yeah
Daddy Owen: So you’re kind of like pre-birthing wind?
I asked them “What are the symptoms to be pregnant?” and I was expecting a short list.
I got a really long list!
Lady 3: You drink more when you get terrible heartburn and hot flashes.
Jodi: Why did you bring home fish? Don’t you know I have an aversion to fish?
Lady 3: A pregnant person smells different because of your hormones and that’s like
in the cleavage and in the crotch.
Daddy Owen: What? I don’t even…
Jodi: The sciatica.
Daddy Owen: Yeah.
Jodi: The shooting stinging pain in a line down your butt.
Lady 4: Right here.
Lady 3: Being pregnant increases your mucus levels all throughout your body – so you
should have more congestion.
Daddy Owen: Mucus?
Lady 3: You should also be moist in the other areas.
Daddy Owen: The word moist came up many times, but it wasn’t moist as in brownies are moist,
it was obviously an unpleasant moistness.
Lady 4: So if you have like two things you can wear and then they get wet, you have to
wash them everyday.
Daddy Owen: Wait a second. They get wet with mucus? Like nether region mucus?
Jodi: And plus…
Lady 4:We’ll just call it wetness.
Jodi: Moist – you know moist.
Daddy Owen: She kept talking about moistness going across my body. I felt like a weather
map and there was a moist-front coming in.
Lady 4: And you have to wash your clothes every time. And you have two pairs though.
Jodi: Nothing fits – everything’s rolling off.
Daddy Owen: I only have one pair, this is all Clay would buy.
One issue that keeps coming up with pregnant women and the men who love them is boobies.
Lady 2: The boob can also be tender but the nipples - it’s like shards of glass coming
out of the showerhead.
Daddy Owen: Shards of glass on my nipples!
Lady 5: I got pancake nipples.
Daddy Owen: You got pancake nipples?
Lady 6: The areola gets big sometimes.
Daddy Owen: Pancake nipples – not only a great name for a band, but it simultaneously
makes me aroused, and hungry.
Lady 6: Have you ever had road rash on your testicles? The way you would stand to keep
the fabric from touching them, would be how you would, like you would put your shoulders
in and you’re kind of flexing so nothing, its…
Lady 4: And God forbid anyone wants to grab them.
Daddy Owen: I know being pregnant is hard and feels pretty bad on the body, but road
rash on the testicles? Really?
Lets talk about sex. What’s up with sex and pregnancy?
Lady 6: Nothing cylindrical is safe in the second trimester – it’s just like…
Daddy Owen: I think that’s a portion of our society needs to be represented.
Then the conversation got nice!
Lady 4: There is also the third trimester in which the positioning is very complicated.
Daddy Owen: Right! So like now…
We were still talking about things that are moist but in a whole different way.
Lady 4: So Jodi would have to mount you in a very calm way.
Lady 6: It would get you off in a flash though.
Lady 5: Do you want me to mount you?
Daddy Owen: Yeah lets go again – all right.
Why mount Owen? – Because he’s there.
Lady 5: Careful now.
Daddy Owen: Okay
Lady 5: This wont hurt the baby – I know you might be worried about that.
Daddy Owen: Now I get down like this?
Lady 5: You can put your hands wherever they’re comfortable.
Jodi: Squeal like a pig!
Lady 5: Now how does that feel honey?
Daddy Owen: Great
Lady 5: Can I touch your pancake nipples?
Daddy Owen: No!
Lady 5: Is that good for you?
Daddy Owen: Yeah I feel good.
Lady 5: All right, well I’m done.
Daddy Owen: I learned a lot that night. I learned a lot about what women go through,
what it feels like to be pregnant, what it feels like to have your body go through all
these changes, what it feels like to have a woman mount you from behind. All in all
- quite an education.