[Engine Noises]
Michael: Did you see the fire on that? Welcome to Nitronic Rush.
You see there's a little robot eye in the "O" in Nitronic.
You know what that is? Judgement Day. It's happening.
But before that, let's play this game!
Fucking Tutorial? [Groan] Fine.
Hold Right Trigger for gas. No shit! Well thank Christ I did the tutorial, I mean who would have known that?
Right Trigger for gas?!
Slow down, man! I- I can't fucking process all of this at once!
Left Stick for Turning? Oh my- I was just doing nothing, I thought the car would drive itself.
Boosting for too long will blow you up. Keep your eye-
Oh, shit!
Alright, so the Meter... That's that thing under the miles per hour.
Don't let that get full.
That's bad.
Press Right Bumper or X to... Aw f- fuck. Oh whoa oh shit oh I'm flying! Holy shit!
So how do I- how do I not fly anymore? Ah my meter! My Splodey-Meter! Jesus....
Holy fuck.
Oh yeah. That looked great. The fuck were you looking at?
Fuck me in my fucking ass.
You're going backwards! What are you doing?!
Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? Where's the fucking finish line?
Oh there it is. Got it. Nailed it. Tutorial done.
So let's just go to the hardcore levels, right, cause, I did the tutorial. I know how to play. The hardcore should be easy.
Boost boost boost jump. There we go. There we go. Did I win? Didn't win yet. Didn't win yet.
The faster you do this.... Jesus Christ! What the hell?!
Tap Right Bumper, then move right stick to the right to rotate onto the side -
What the fuck does that mean?!
Aww fuck, I gotta' drive along the God damn wall?
Jesus, it's like fucking Mirror's Edge.
But I mean this game's still better. For sure.
And... [Indeterminable Noise]
Oh shit! Oh God! Jesus!
That was awesome! That was awe - how do I get off?
Get off the wall, the - oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
We're fine, we're fine. That was Mega. That was so Mega.
Oh I gotta do it again? Why does that surprise me?
Well you know.
HUAH!
Motherfucker! Aw shit!
Fuck...
...me.
No. Get- get on the fucking wheel part!
You need the wheels to touch the road man
not the fucking roof!
When vertical, tap Right Bumper then move left to right to do a 180 on the -
Aw - Oh my God, Jesus fucking Christ,
there's so much reading!
Oh shit no!
UGH!
So this game, is uh-
It's a lot about you falling to your death
for a long fucking time!
Ugh!
Mother fucker.
Jump!
Fucking...
...whore.
You fucking blue neon whore!
"Be sure to be boosting."
Oh, I'm boosting.
You can--
You can fucking bet your ass I'm boosting.
Mother fucker!
Just land on the road!
Oh, there we go!
That was incredible.
And then yeah just do it again, why not?
Ungh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh my dick fell off right there.
Ohh, what is fucking happening?!
Oh God!
Why are we so high off the ground?
Why don't we just do this race like right next to this net thing?
So if I fall off the course, I only fall like 10 feet
not a thousand yards to my death!
Fucking shit.
Aw fuck.
Fuck!
I'm telling you,
white cars can't jump.
It's just a fact!
MMMGH!
Fucking hit the God damn road!
Game voice: Bogus!
You're bogus!
Your mom's bogus!
Your whole life is bogus!
(Sob) I'm bogus.
Are you fucking shiting me?
Mulligan we'll try that again.
Beep, beep, beep, beep
Well, that was great.
Great mulligan there.
Really uh, really improved on my first try.
You STUPID FUCK!
So now I realize you can actually go first person in this.
So if you thought I was never gonna make it before,
I'm never gonna make it in a whole new way!
Look at this!
This is different.
I wonder if I'm still gonna fall to my death?
Do you think that'll change in first person?
Nope, that's still the same.
Aaaand
Oh shit, oh God no!
That actually helped.
It's like a Mission Impossible car! I fuckin'-
Fuckin' nailed it!
Hardcore level my ass
It only to me 758,000 tries to beat level one.
Game voice: Unbelievable
You're unbeliev-
No, I am unbelievable.
Well, oh great!
Go up or down!
Don't go through the fucking thing!
Again?!
Fucking twice in a row!
FFGH!
Oh! Oh God!
MGH!
Oh, why did I do that?
Why the fuck did I do that?
What the fuck is over there?!
How am I not dead?
Where am I?
I'm just hanging out somewhere in the game!
I'm not even on the fuckin' track!
What the hell is happening?!
Let me just drive around and check out this building.
Aah, uh, this place looks nice.
Man,
wonder what the schools are like around here?
Like, is it a good community?
Uh, are there a lot of playgrounds?
How 'bout the public pools?
Oh, nope there we go.
Okay now I'm dead.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, shit, shit, shit, shit
Oh, I'm falling, I'm falliiiiiing
I'm fine
Nope! Well...
What the fuck is happening?!
Where the hell am I going?!
I'm falling down a fucking hole!
Ohhh, don't blow up.
I don't know how I didn't blow up.
I just roll- I roll this way.
Am I driving at this point?
Or am I just fuckin' rollin' around fallin' down a pit?
No okay we're driving.
Man those wings.
Sure be helpful here.
Why you gonna let me live?
Why?
Fuck you!
Oh I got an achievement for killing myself.
Sometimes it pays, kids.
Sometimes.
Oh my God, there's fucking buzzsaws in the road?!
Why?!
[Grumbles] Checkpoint
Uh...
Oh,
shit!
Wow,
didn't see that coming.
There we go.
Nope!
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Well great, I'm stuck on a block!
[Mockingly] Shutdown
Fuck!
As soon as I started I blew myself up.
Turn, turn, turn.
Oh God! Too much turning!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Just put wheels on the fuckin' roof too right?!
Like why bother?
Put 'em on the bottom!
Put 'em on the top!
I can drive on anything!
Fuck, put 'em on the side!
I don't care!
I'm fuckin' -
Half this video I'm driving my car on the fuckin' roof!
This road...
Is in desperate need of repairs.
We need to get a construction crew out here...
Oh shit!
Oh, we're falling!
Mother fucker!
Where is the zoning committee?!
Alright?!
That is not regulation!
[Sigh]
Let's first person this.
Yeah looks great.
Looks real great.
FUCK!
I just- I- I fuckin' barrel rolled for no reason.
Just to kill myself.
[Aggravated Sigh]
Jesus fucking Christ!
Fuck!
You're too bad!
You're a piece of shit!
We're gonna do this.
Land it on the road, boost!
Why did you bounce off the fucking road?!
You fucking whore!
You stick to everything else!
You're like fly on a piece of shit
except for that fucking one road?!
You think you're so much better than that road?!
Fuck you!