- [Narrator] Reducing workplace bias.
The spotlight effect is the tendency
to overrate how much other people are interested in you
and what you have to say.
The spotlight effect can lead to unrealistic expectations
of other people's natural interest in you.
This can lead not only to disappointment,
but in poorly presenting yourself to others,
affecting your communication and relationships.
The lesson and meditation help recalibrate
your expectation you have of others' interest in you
and provide ways to present yourself
more humbly and effectively.
"It's not all about!"
a colleague yells after you explained thoughts
about how to carry out a new project.
You were speaking from your own perspective, of course,
however, you must have presented your ideas
in a way which were perceived as exclusive of her.
She's very upset.
She might have added, "It's about me too!"
Unfortunately for many, it is about us.
We earnestly want to share
our thoughts, opinions, and perspectives.
There are ways of doing that, of course.
If your comments are filled with condescending judgements
about how great you are
and how insignificant others are by comparison,
then you probably do have a problem, even if you are great.
The fact is that most humans do want attention.
We do want others to like us.
We want validation on many aspects
of our behavior, our appearance, skills,
personality, and so on.
The logical extension of this need for attention
is that everyone wants that validation,
which means that many people are focused
on how others perceive them.
They want to be liked, admired, adored, appreciated.
It's a natural and understandable mindset.
The problem is that
because most people are also looking for the same things,
we can overestimate how much focus
and appreciation others will give to us.
It says if you want to be the center of attention,
but so does everybody else.
We are all the center of our own words.
This is the spotlight effect,
to have unreasonable expectations
about how much people will notice, appreciate,
and focus on you.
With this expectation and mindset can come disappointment,
even frustration and anger.
People are going to be less interested in you
than ideally you would like, unless you are a celebrity.
So don't have high expectations,
and certainly don't have the spotlight bias,
the assumption that people will naturally focus on you.
Ironically, the way to really get people's attention
is by relating to them,
by paying attention to them
rather than expecting them to do the same to you.
They will only connect with you
and pay your attention that you are looking for
when you have created an emotional connection
by focusing on them.
It can be very difficult
to accurately identify our need for attention
and how far we go in manifesting it.
Someone might think that they are caring and attentive,
when others see them as narcissistic.
There can often be a mismatch
between your self-perception and how others see you.
How do you know how others perceive you?
Has anyone ever accused you
of being selfish and egotistical?
If one person has, it doesn't necessarily mean that's true.
But if several people have,
there might well be something to it.
When interacting with others
do you spend more time talking or listening?
Are you disappointed
if the conversation doesn't revolve around you?
Are you a good listener?
When you have biased expectations
about how much attention
you're going to receive from others,
you'll be disappointed.
That attention is not going to happen
without some effort on your part.
It comes when you have made a sincere and earnest effort
to engage with others in a caring way.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Maya Angelou.
Now, there are people, typically celebrities,
who do have people phoning all over them.
In fact, Cornell Medical School
Professor of Psychiatry Dr. Robert Millman
coined the term "acquired situational narcissism"
to describe very successful people
who attract such attention and admiration.
It becomes the norm and they not unreasonably expect it,
even if they don't always welcome it.
Meditation.
"Whoever loves becomes humble.
Those who love have, so to speak,
pawned a part of their narcissism."
Sigmund Freud.
"Humility isn't thinking less of yourself,
it's thinking of yourself less."
Rick Warren.
Being compassionate and really caring for others
means the willingness to give up your own egotism.
True love is putting yourself second
and being perfectly okay with that.
It means not expecting to be in the spotlight.
It means being perfectly okay
with not being in the spotlight.
Imagine being in a group
where someone is dominating the conversation
in an egotistical way.
Their talk is all about directing the attention to them.
They are an attention vampire
giving no one else a chance to talk.
How would you react to someone like that?
How would others react?
What would be the consequences of their actions?
Now, imagine a conversation
with someone who is listening carefully to every word,
fully engaged in your words and feelings.
How would you respond to someone like that?
How would others respond?
Whoever loves becomes humble.
When you surrender your need to be in the spotlight,
you might get the attention you deserve.
When you act lovingly towards others,
you might get the attention you deserve.
People will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
People will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
When you are loving and kind, you are humble.
Others respond to humility.
They notice humility.
They appreciate humility.
Humility isn't thinking less of yourself,
it's thinking of yourself less.
Humility isn't thinking less of yourself,
it's thinking of yourself less.
You don't want the spotlight on you because you demand it,
you want the spotlight on you because you deserve it.
That's the best type of spotlight;
spotlight that you have earned.
You don't want the spotlight on you because you demand it,
you want the spotlight on you because you deserve it.
"Whoever loves becomes humble.
Those who love have, so to speak,
pawned a part of their narcissism."
"Humility isn't thinking less of yourself,
it's thinking of yourself less."
You don't want the spotlight on you
because you're demand it,
you want the spotlight on you because you deserve it.
How will you make people feel
will determine the attention you get.
Do you want to be someone who demands attention or earns it?
You can earn attention by being caring and compassionate.
You can earn attention by listening carefully
and with a complete focus.
You can earn attention
by making others feel comfortable, appreciated,
understood and respected.
You earn respect
by making others feel comfortable, appreciated,
understood and respected.
Reducing workplace bias.