LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS.
YESTERDAY, THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUBLISHED A STORY CLAIMING THAT
DONALD TRUMP FORCIBLY KISSED A WOMAN IN TRUMP TOWER 12 YEARS
AGO.
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED BY TWEETING, "A WOMAN I DON'T
KNOW AND, TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, NEVER MET, IS ON THE
FRONT PAGE OF THE FAKE NEWS "WASHINGTON POST" SAYING I
KISSED HER (FOR TWO MINUTES YET) IN THE LOBBY OF TRUMP TOWER 12
YEARS AGO.
NEVER HAPPENED!
WHO WOULD DO THIS IN A PUBLIC SPACE WITH LIVE SECURITY CAMERAS
RUNNING?" ( LAUGHTER )
YOU!
THAT'S WHO.
YOU!
YOU ARE THE EXACT PERSON WHO WOULD DO THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FACT THAT TRUMP WENT OUT OF
HIS WAY TO MENTION SECURITY CAMERAS JUST MEANS HE PERSONALLY
DESTROYED THAT TAPE HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE ARTICLE THE WOMAN SAID,
"HE STARTED KISSING ME ON ONE CHEEK, THEN THE OTHER CHEEK,"
WHICH IS ALSO CONSISTENT WITH THE WAY TRUMP KISSES VLADIMIR
PUTIN'S ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, AFTER OPRAH WINFREY HOSTED A PANEL INTERVIEW
WITH VOTERS ON SUNDAY'S EPISODE OF "60 MINUTES," DONALD TRUMP
ATTACKED HER ON TWITTER, CALLING HER "INSECURE."
I GOTTA SAY, YES!
THIS IS IT, GUYS THIS IS THE TWITTER BEEF WE'VE
ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD VERSUS DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S GONNA BE HUGE!
BUT, OPRAH, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
TRUMP WOULD BE THREATENED BY ANYONE WHO STARTS A BOOK CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, HAVE YOU ALL BEEN
WATCHING THE OLYMPICS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO INCREDIBLE.
THERE'S BEEN SO MANY HIGHLIGHTS OVER THE LAST WEEK, BUT I THINK
MY FAVORITE JUST MIGHT BE AN AMERICAN WOMAN WHO WAS SO
DESPERATE TO TAKE PART IN THE OLYMPICS, SHE USED A SERIES OF
TECHNICALITIES TO GET ONTO THE HUNGARIAN HALF-PIPE SKI TEAM
EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN'T DO ANY TRICKS.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
THIS IS WHAT A SKIER IN THE HALF-PIPE NORMALLY DOES.
YEAH, IMPRESSIVE, RIGHT?
AND HERE'S WHAT THE SKIER FROM THE HUNGARIAN TEAM DID.
HERE SHE GOES UP AND DOWN.
AND UP THE OTHER SIDE AND DOWN AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UP SHE GOES, AND DOWN AGAIN!
HERE'S THE THING.
I STILL COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY SHE'S SLOW, BUT SHE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN TO
THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN.
HERE'S HOW SHE DID IT: SHE QUALIFIED FOR THE OLYMPICS
BY HANDPICKING SPECIFIC EVENTS WHERE THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH
COMPETITORS SO SHE COULD FINISH IN THE TOP THIRTY.
SO, SHE SUCKS AT THE HALF-PIPE, BUT SHE'S AN EXPERT ON THE
LOOPHOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND FINALLY, VALENTINE'S DAY HAS COME AND GONE.
BUT THERE'S A DATING WEB SITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR TRUMP SUPPORTERS
THAT'S RIGHT, THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE AMERICA DATE AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE OTHER DATING SITES, EXCEPT WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE ON
THE TRUMP SITE WHO CARRIES A TORCH FOR YOU, THEY LITERALLY
CARRY A TORCH FOR YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM
TINDER, BECAUSE ON THE TRUMP DATING SITE, IF YOU LIKE
SOMEONE'S PROFILE YOU SWIPE ALT-RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE MAKING FUN OF IT, BUT THIS
SITE GIVES YOU A REAL SHOT AT FINDING LOVE.
IT DOES.
SO, FOR ALL YOU SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE, GIVE IT A TRY AND
JUST MAYBE ONE DAY YOU TOO COULD BE AS HAPPILY MARRIED AS DONALD
TRUMP.