'You crazy bitch. I can see your breath.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I can't wait for you to see what I got you'
1974's Black Christmas is a well-liked Christmas slasher and prototype for the
'the call is coming from inside the house' and unidentified killer horror tropes.
2006's Black Christmas isn't.
'Noooo!'
Let's leave the comparisons and focus on the film itself.
'Check if he's been naughty or nice'
The first thing that grabs you is how incredibly unsubtle the script is
with the characterisation of its sorority sister principals.
'I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister,
right in her head'
She's the dark one.
she's the drunk one.
'That sucks, everyone should be home for Christmas'
she's the Buffy's sister one.
'I realise you're an only child, so let me explain.'
They're all the clumsy exposition one
'What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your nascar daddy?'
And here's the ethnic one
Oh, yeah, right. Not so much.
'Alright, who's not here?'
What's most astounding about this broad strokes approach to characterisation
is that I still struggle to tell them apart.
'We're sisters, so act like it'
Although in fairness, I may just not care
'You really shouldn't provoke someone like that'
The other area of heavy handed dialogue is its Christmas message
'This ain't no place for Santa Claus'
'Just fuck Christmas'
'And, fucking Santa Claus'
'Santa Claus is dead'
'Merry Fucking Christmas'
Yeah, gets more shocking every time you say it.
'Merry Christmas you little fucker'
The studio takes a big chunk of the blame for this film as they insisted the director crowbar in more needless gore.
That said, the writing is atrocious, not just what's said, although that can be profoundly dumb.
(voice on answer machine) 'Fuck Santa, fuck Santa'
'That was not Meghan'
But also what happens and fails to happen
Via some more subtle exposition we're introduced to Billy Lenz currently residing in a mental institution
'That's the guy that killed his family at Christmas back when i was a kid'
Why is Santa here?
'I was looking for the children's ward and I got lost.'
Why is the children's wing anywhere near the criminally insane?!
'He's tried to escape every year'
Really, why?
'Wants to be home on Christmas'
I bet you're cautious around him at this time of year.
Oh no, his cell is empty, the only explanation is that he's shawshanked his way through this tiny hole.
Or was hiding under the bed.
Okay, shit happens, but you know where he's going
'Billy lived here'
So I know what your next call will be...
Okay we don't have a clip here because, no, they don't warn the sorority
'He's home'
nor do they report the death of 2 staff members and escape of one psychopath to the police.
And speaking of the police
'They said they can maybe be out here in 2 hours'
1 confirmed murder, 3 missing, 5 in danger, we'll be a couple of hours.
'Happy Holidays'
And the bodycount soon rises.
That's nothing to do with an escaped maniac that's just a scene from final Destination.
'And?'
Incidentally this was marketed in Japan as a sequel to Final Destination.
Against the odds the two killers are killed.
Looks like the police aren't the only emergency service dropping the ball this Christmas
'They were supposed to have someone fix this'
Oh, I wonder if that'll be relevant later on?
'Open the door!'
But all this, bad though it is, pales in comparison to having the killer sexually abused by his mother.
so he fathers his own sister
'My little agnes'
To sum up, you've got to puzzle over the mentality of the person who said
'I like the original but does it have to be so believable? and guys; where's the incest?'
'Can I just say, I'm not okay with any of this'
Merry Christmas
We do a festive review every Christmas. So what should we be doing next year let us know your favorite bad horror films
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Fuck you, Santa Claus