I've had a lot of people request me to make some videos about why we
self-sabotage relationships and what we could do to stop it so make sure that
you stay tuned what is up everybody this is Chris from the rewired soul where we
talk about the problem but focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel
my channel is all about mental health and what I like to do is pull different
topics from maybe the YouTube community or pop culture in general to try to
teach you how to improve your mental and emotional well-being so if the end of
that make sure you subscribe and bring that notification bell and yeah this is
going to be a little bit just a little bit about the show you on Netflix so if
you haven't seen it or don't plan on watching it don't worry there's not
really gonna be any spoilers we're gonna be talking about self-sabotage so
there's a part about self-sabotage but anyways this was recommended to me and
the topics been recommended to me over on social media so if you're not yet
make sure you go follow me actually over on Instagram and Twitter at the rewired
so tweet at me follow me on Instagram dear me I try to get to all the DMS but
the best thing you can do is actually tweet on me tweet at me just because a
lot of people do not tweet at me so more likely I'll see it but other than that
let's get started so yeah for those of you who have seen the show you and you
just want some contest there is a scene where Beck is questioning the
relationships just getting very paranoid thinks you know something like crazy be
going on with the edge so whatever and Becks webs call her out about her self
sabotaging and they bring up her daddy issues and all that kind of stuff which
kind of gives this moment of clarity like oh man maybe I am self sabotaging
this relationship but for the rest of you who haven't seen the show you on
Netflix you're probably at this video because you're familiar with self
sabotaging relationships so we need to talk about why we do it how to get out
of it and all of that I am going to share some of my experience as well
because I am somebody who used to self-sabotage a ton of relationships and
there's some reasons behind that so I'm actually gonna be talking about this
pretty cool article I found over on Psychology Today and it's from Melanie
Greenberg PhD and look she's all about the mindful Express you know I'm about
the mindfulness so anyways she actually wrote a really
good article for Psychology Today it pulls in some different studies so let's
talk about the three main reasons that you self-sabotage and what we could do
about it first one she talks about is faulty
thinking all right so faulty thinking I look at this more as we stick with
what's familiar so she talks about part of the psychology of the familiarity
heuristic and basically you know our brains we we stick to what we know we
are creatures of habit that's how we're set up that's why you know we we like to
eat the same foods or go out to the same restaurants for some of us doing
something new scares us so she actually cites a study that they did with a
complicated word puzzle right so she took a group and not she's a different
doctor took a group of people and they give them a complicated word puzzle let
them finish it see what was going on and then they had
to do a second word puzzle but they gave them two options okay two options they
say you could do this first option okay it is a harder longer puzzle made by the
same person who created the first puzzle or you could take this second puzzle
which is a lot easier and it's created by somebody different most of the people
picked the first option even though it was harder and more stressful I think
they even included a time limit they did that because of the familiarity
heuristic right so think about that when it comes to relationships and
self-sabotage we sometimes self-sabotage our relationships by sticking with
what's familiar alright so this next one I'm going to talk about is a little bit
more about childhood but let's talk about it now anyways
like if you grew up in an abusive household or even like parents who are
fighting or your caregivers who are fighting or whatever that is what's
familiar to you that chaos that arguing the fighting that is familiar so this
might be why you sabotage yourself by dating terrible people right you're
dating people where you're never going to find the true love that you deserve
the respect that you deserve somebody who treats you right because you're not
used to it I know for me personally when my life started getting better and I
started working on my mental health I would actually get anxious because just
things being chill was new something new to me and I had to work through that
I had to learn how to be okay with being okay like you hear a lot of people say
like it's okay to not be okay like I'm here to tell you it's okay to just be
okay like I used to date very chaotic women and we always had chaos going on
and when I would date somebody who had like their stuff together I felt
uncomfortable because I wasn't familiar with it right but that's something
that's that I've worked through and now I'm with my beautiful girlfriend Tristan
and we look a pretty chill like we have my son who's in the other room he's here
every weekend and then we got two cats that we get to play with it's pretty
sweet pretty chill all right so ask yourself this question are you sticking
to what's familiar and that's why you keep dating the same kind of guy or the
same kind of woman whatever it is so this next one is fear of intimacy or
fear of rejection so a lot of this comes from our unconscious so in this article
it talks about attachment styles if you are interested in attachment styles go
check out my buddy's channel Ryan Liberty I'll get down in the description
below he doesn't laugh a lot about attachment so the one that the
attachment style that they're talking about specifically in here is insecure
attachment alright so we unconsciously have this fear of repeating the past so
some of us we felt abandoned by our parents for example my mom some of you
have met her on my channel she decided her own channel like we have an amazing
relationship today but the first 20 years of my life she was an alcoholic
and when I was a child I thought she abandoned me and just gave me to my dad
right so I had this fear of rejection of fear of abandonment so because of that
because of the way we grew up or because of what we experienced as a child when
people start to get close to us we might just start push pushing them away
because we want to be pre-emptive about it right we think oh my god they're
getting too close I don't want to be hurt so what can I do to push them away
something that I've talked about in some videos which is something huge is
something called self seeking right we're doing something expecting some but
something in return usually when we think about that we
think about doing something nice right I'll do you this favor if you do me that
favor I'm gonna do this thing so you give me love attention affection but it
might be the exact opposite thing to when we're doing something to get a
reaction somebody to push them away like
something that's really messed up that we do like have you ever have you ever
started fights with like a significant other because you were trying to get
them to break up with you right so part of the solution for this is therapy like
you need to work through this stuff so much of what's going on is in our
unconscious mind and it's things that stem from childhood like you are doomed
to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again until you get
down to the root of the problem like one of the reasons I had this channel and I
make so many videos pretty much on a daily basis is because I want your
mental health to stay in the forefront like I was a type of person for over a
decade of my life I was repeating the same mistakes over and over and over
again and I didn't know why until I started working on my mental health and
getting down to the root of the problem like I was never going to get out of
those habits but the first step in so many things with your mental health is
just becoming aware of where this issues coming from and for most people that's
simply working with a therapist telling them about what's going on so real quick
before I forget like when you watch my videos I'm not here to diagnose you I am
NOT a licensed therapist or anything like that what I see some people comment
is watching my videos make something maybe spark in their head and like you
know what I'm gonna talk to my therapist about this next week that is a good way
to utilize my videos if you can relate to something that I'm talking about just
simply bring it up with your therapist don't try to force it don't try to
diagnose yourself just say hey I was watching this I can kind of relate to it
what do you think so lastly is a topic that I've been talking about lately
which is procrastination and avoidance alright so this form of self-sabotage is
something that you really really might not notice so when I was talking about
Gabby Hannah and I was talking about avoidance I made an entire video about
that that you should go check out because I give you some strategies like
um acceptance base behavioral therapy to get through avoidance but some of us are
self sabotaging we're not even without even realizing it because we're avoiding
certain issues for example have you ever gone into like a small like argument
with a other or something like that and you
just avoid it right you don't want to talk about it you don't want to do this
so maybe you give the other person the silent treatment or like you just quit
answering their calls or their tags you avoid it so this is something that
brings consequences we sit there we wish we hope with all our might like maybe
this thing will just go away right so you wait you wait you wait and you don't
address the issue this is so toxic for relationships so if you're somebody who
is avoiding these issues like please please please stop because not only is
it harmful to the other person it's also harmful for yourself so something that I
used to struggle with a lot and a lot of you know like I've mentioned that I used
to struggle with a lot of anger issues which is one of the reasons why I wrote
the book rewire your anger I used to take these small little things that a
significant other was doing and I would stuff them down I would stuff them down
I didn't want to deal with them I don't want to talk to my significant other
about I'll just push it and push it and push it down and what what happen is
because I was avoiding it because I was procrastinating these conversations I
would eventually just blow up over something stupid - right and sometimes
it would happen with my significant other but other times because I was
pushing so much stuff down I would blow up at somebody at work right completely
undeserving and this is one of the reasons why I try to teach you that's so
important to work on your mental health especially anger issues like it is not
fair to my my girlfriend Tristan or my son Dylan if I'm pushing things down
from other aspects of my life and then blowing up on one of them that is not
fair to them at all so the best thing that we can do is start addressing these
things head-on you know what I mean but anyways these are some of the reasons
that you might be self sabotaging so remember one of them is faulty thinking
like the familiarity heuristic so I want to get comments from you down below do
you find yourself dating what's familiar dating bad people over and over and over
again or do you find yourself being afraid of getting too close do you think
this might be something that's happened in the past even if it wasn't from your
childhood were you broken up with and now you're afraid of getting hurt again
alright or the third one do you procrastinate and avoid dealing with
issues as they arise and as they come up alright
let's not Homa stationed down below but then then
i want to hear what you're gonna do to work on it alright anyways that's all i
got for this video if you like this video please give it a thumbs up if
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the patron icon right there alright thanks so much for watching i'll see you
next time