"Dear Shadeen, I've been with my partner for a year, and it's not that I don't enjoy sex with him."
"It's that I can never orgasm. I was faking it for a while."
"But it's not fun when I don't get to finish. Should I tell him?"
"I've never been able to orgasm with any of my partners, so I'm not sure it's my fault."
So faking isn't cool.
And I say that non judgmentally.
[Jameela] No, same. I agree.
It's just lying to yourself and to the person.
And quite often it's a mutual, you know, protection, right,
that if we have shame or discomfort around not being able to finish/orgasm. Right.
That we might do it sort of to soothe our own sort of ego or self judgment.
A lot of the times when folks are having sex with men, they fake it for male ego,
which also sucks.
Right, because.
Well because then the man can't ever improve.
He's not getting any constructive criticism.
[Shadeen] Right.
Or the person, whoever it may be.
Right.
And we actually see this dynamic less in same sex or same gender relationships. Right.
That we, the orgasm gap. If that's a phrase that folks have heard before,
that folks in heterosexual relationships, particularly women, have fewer orgasms with heterosexual men
than in same sex relationships.
So gay men and lesbian women have more orgasms overall compared to heterosexual relationships.
Where the woman is orgasming, they're saying sort of at most like 60 percent of the time.
Right. So acknowledging that this is like a cultural phenomenon,
hopefully for this person they're not internalizing as like this is like a thing that only I do.
Lots and lots and lots of people are doing it.
But I think what is important in this in particular is that she hasn't been able to orgasm with partners before.
But it doesn't sound like she doesn't orgasm.
It sounds like she's able to bring herself to orgasm.
And so I would be curious, well, what is happening in solo sex that is different in partnered sex.
Right. What is the difference and what can you show, introduce, share, teach to your partner. Right.
Maybe there is something that you do that really turns you on.
Maybe there's a way that you set the scene.
Maybe there's a place that you go in your head.
Maybe there's a certain technique that you're using.
What can you share or offer your partner?
And it doesn't have to be sort of this big reveal like
I've been faking for the last six years.
And, you know, it can be, hey, can I show you something?
Can I ask you a follow-up question to that?
Please.
So a lot of my friends don't ever orgasm with their whatever lovers of any gender and
someone was saying the other day,
I don't know if it was on the radio or something that excessive use of sex toys can make you more immune to an orgasm.
Is that a?
It's a thing/not thing.
So the thing I love about, like radios that it's like little blurbs is you get quick information, but it's decontextualized.
So a lot of folks worry about like using a vibrator.
It felt like a bit sex toy shaming.
Yeah.
But I also wanted to-
A lot of folks worry that, like, if I use my vibrator too much, it's going to, like, desensitize my clitoris and then.
Right.
That's not how, that's not how that works.
Cause it's got 8,000 nerve endings.
8,000 nerve endings, so unless you're like literally frying your nerves,
which for most people, like probably isn't like the thing that, like is what you're doing every Thursday after Gossip Girl.
Right. That you know.
Speak for yourself.
[Shadeen] I'm leaving plenty of space.
I'm frying.
I'm leaving plenty of space for that, if that's your particular brand of, you know, sex play.
Yeah.
Right. But for, you know, folks who are-
Fry-day.
Sorry keep going.
I get it. I get it.
So for folks who, you know, are using toys,
the challenge can be with partnered sex that if you're not using toys during partnered sex
and you only use toys for solo sex.
Right. Like that's what you're doing when you're masturbating. Right.
Using a vibrator or an electro wand or whatever that a penis, lips, tongue, hands can't recreate those sensations.
So your body may have habituated to a certain kind of orgasm. Right.
That just won't be re-created by your partner unless you bring that toy into partnered play.
Yeah.
Right. That if you think about the speed of a vibrator, like what body part can recreate that speed or that intensity and maintain it consistently. Right.
It's not going to happen.
And so for this person who's saying who might be saying I orgasm by myself and not with my partner. Right.
Being able to think about it. How do I orgasm by myself?
And what from that can I bring into partnered sex?
And if this is a scenario in which she's finding orgasms in ways that her partner can't recreate
and they don't want to transition that toy, that process into their partnered sex relationship,
then she might think about, okay, expanding out her solo sex repertoire
and exploring her body in other ways to see what other things are pleasurable.
But also, it's worth acknowledging that she's enjoying sex overall with her partner.
Yeah.
And she'd rather orgasm. It sounds like she'd rather orgasm with him.
Yeah. Also, I like I've heard of people just getting themselves off at the end of sex.
It doesn't have to be this thing you got and skulk off and do on your own.
Right. And orgasm doesn't have to be the goal. Right.
But it sounds like it's something that she would like to experience with her partner.
And so she's got, she's got some options.