- We need to talk about Bridgerton.
- Pardon me.
- Forgive me.
- If you watched all of Netflix
and Shondaland's Bridgerton in a day
(this is really the only way to watch it)
you might find yourself giddy with joy
about Daphne and Simon's romance.
You may have swooned for their courtship, their chemistry,
and their relationship as it stands in the finale.
But we have some notes.
It all boils down to a simple point, really.
Daphne and Simon have terrible communication.
- I understand that quite well.
- First of all, Daphne and Simon are not your
#Goals, okay?
Get that out of here.
This is a classic example of a couple
just sweeping all of their real problems
under the rug and focusing on...
Where was I?
This is a classic example of a couple sweeping
their emotional problems under the rug
and just banging in the gazebo to Taylor Swift covers.
♪ Wildest dreams ♪
Think about it.
How many Bridgerton episodes center on the fact that Daphne
and Simon simply can't communicate
one easy point to each other.
- Very well.
- For example, they like each other.
I know this, you know this, Daphne's freaking mom knows it,
but they have to be told over and over again
by Lady Whistledown, by random people in the 'Ton,
by Daphne's mom, by the queen herself.
And they just won't believe it
because they think they're unlovable.
And honestly, that's a separate problem.
At least they finally figured it out long enough
for that epic sex scene that we could not watch
around our parents.
I told them I haven't watched the show.
Haven't heard of it, sounds fake.
Now, at the crux of this communication issue
are some real problems.
Like, Simon had a terrible childhood.
He was abused.
Every character in the show needs a therapist.
I'm available.
Netflix, cast me as your fake couples therapist.
Okay, so Simon doesn't want to have children
because his father was a terrible dad.
He should have brought this up earlier.
I know that it's hard for people to talk about
their innermost problems and insecurities
even if they're hot, fictitious dukes,
but a lot of the season's later conflicts
could have been avoided, the earlier Simon brought this up.
He could have mentioned it in episode two
when he Daphne are, like, bonding,
and hanging out, and walking around the promenade.
Okay, fine.
Episode two is a little soon to bring it up.
So fast forward. In episode four, Simon and
Daphne make out in the gardens and it's really hot, okay?
Anthony bursts in and demands they marry.
Simon says no. Daphne thinks it's
because he doesn't love her.
Even though she knows already that he does.
Later in the episode, Daphne says:
- The Duke and I are to be married.
- So here's some potential points where you could
bring up the whole not going to have children
because I hated my dad thing.
When Daphne says you're going to get married.
When Anthony says you're going to get married.
When you agree to get married, just every step of the way
an opportunity to take someone aside:
"Hey, you know how I said I couldn't marry you.
Well, what I meant was that I couldn't have kids,
but what I meant was that I can have kids,
I just won't have kids.
We good?"
Now we get into the really problematic stuff
which is the Daphne and Simon start
just like banging at every opportunity.
And again, he refuses to have the conversation.
Like at this point, this is your wife, my guy.
You are stuck with this person forever.
You got to tell her.
The way that Simon and Daphne toy with each other
psychologically is terrifying.
Simon's really banking on Daphne's minimal knowledge of sex,
which is quite minimal. Regency Era...
not a great sex-ed program.
- How does a lady come to be with child?
- Eloise, what a question.
- I thought one needed to be married.
- Whatever are you talking about?
- But then Daphne finds out how babies are made,
and she weaponizes this knowledge against her husband,
tricking him into non-consensual sex
that may result in a child.
So this is bad.
This is a bad look for both of our main characters.
Don't love it for them.
Again, they could avoid it by just talking to each other.
I hate to say this, but the hot, hot Bridgerton sex
is really getting in the way of Simon
and Daphne's relationship.
I'm sorry! You can't boo me off stage,
this is the internet.
All this to say that I kind of thought
the communication problem was going to lead us somewhere
and then it didn't.
They just communicated poorly for most of the season,
kind of wasting our time, not to mention each other's,
and then in the finale, Simon's just like,
"Okay, fine, I changed my mind."
You know why?
- Your hatred for your father outweighs any affection
that you might bear towards me, and you are right.
It cannot be undone.
- Because they had one conversation.
Folks, you got to talk to your husband about his mean dad.
I am so terrified of these two becoming parents.
What's going to happen in season two?
Are we going to have a whole episode of these two
not talking because they couldn't agree
on a preschool and then getting it on in the stables?
I'm still going to watch.
Whatever you do with these messed up heteros
please give me more of Benedict, the bisexual painter.
It's all I want.