- Which is why I will argue
that garlic fries are far superior
to the over hyped and frankly
disgusting truffle fry and people
who prefer truffle fries...
- Let's keep this civil.
- Are demon people, with butt brains.
- You, you go to hell.
Truffle fries are amazing.
You go straight to hell.
- Well, if they're not serving truffle fries there,
I'd be happy to go to hell Soren.
- Yeah, but like, which one?
- Truffle fries.
Keep up, Katie.
- No, which hell.
You, Soren, should keep up,
Now, which portrayal of hell would you send Micheal,
your dearest friend, to go to?
- The... I mean.
One of the good ones obviously,
I don't want to send Michael to a bad hell.
- Aww, thanks buddy.
- Anytime buddy.
- So, I guess we're talking about hell?
(phone rings)
- You know what hell always seemed kind of fun?
- I Bet he's gonna tell us.
- I am.
Hercules.
It's just like a cool pool party for dead people.
Except the pool is way cooler than a normal pool
'cause it's all swirly.
- Yeah, but all of the spirits never seemed like
they were having a good time.
They were just moaning and forlorn and dizzy
and probably having a lot of motion sickness and,
oh yeah, also, they were in hell.
- Yeah, see, they were just dumb.
What you gotta do is pick a spot on the wall
and every time you swirl around,
you just check in with the spot.
That way, you never get dizzy.
- Yeah, but all the spirits are trying to leave the swirl.
They're always grabbing onto Hades
whenever he boats over them.
- Yeah, if people are trying to get out
of the spirit swirl pool,
it probably isn't that nice in there.
It's full of spirit pee or something.
- I wouldn't mind.
- Besides, does that even count
as a real hell or is it an afterlife?
Is there a heaven in that movie?
- Only for the gods.
Classism.
- No, Michael, the hell everyone would want
is the Bedazzled hell.
- That Brendan Fraser movie where he sells his soul
to Elizabeth Hurley because he's sad and he wants
some strange woman he's never met to fall in love with him?
- Uh huh, That's the one.
In Bedazzled, the hell is basically just this giant party
where it's all beautiful people dancing forever
and they feed you your grandmothers cookies.
- These are the cookies that my grandmother used to bake.
- I aim to please handsome.
- All you gotta do is dance and eat cookies
and generally be the life of the party,
which is basically what all of my weekday evenings
consist of anyway.
Also most of my Sunday brunches.
And most of my...
- That is horrifying.
You have to spend all of your time at a party,
dancing and conversing?
Everyone's more attractive than you.
And they might know you, but you don't know them.
What do you even talk about?
Being damned souls together?
Eating your grandmothers cookies together forever,
all the time?
They don't wanna talk about that.
They don't know my grandma.
They don't even wanna get to know my grandma.
- Yeah and they're not even really enjoying it.
You see it when he goes back for the second time.
They are definitely being tortured by over-partying.
- So, that doesn't mean I would get sick of the party.
I would just go on liking it,
for eternity.
I love parties.
I'm great at them.
- But what about when Elizabeth Hurley turns
into a giant classic devil and then
a giant Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini?
- Scary and sexy at the same time.
- But my point is, when that happens,
it takes place in a giant cavern filled with flames.
So that part of hell also exists.
I mean maybe there are multiple hell options in Bedazzled,
but they're all terrible.
- No, there were no people there.
I feel like that was more of just an intimidation tactic
to scare him into signing away his soul away.
But even if that is the case, then I would just think
about how much I hate parties right before I die
and then, boom, I end up in the party hell.
- You really think you could trick the devil?
- Yes, that is the premise of pretty much every movie
where the devil appears.
The devil is (laughs) super gullible.
- What about the hell from South Park:
Bigger, Longer and Uncut?
It's a normal hell,
but, all of the flying bone dragons fart
and then people like break into song,
and there's like couches and houses and
it's pretty much your normal life except for like
the fire and brimstone everywhere.
- And, Satan isn't just like "blah, I'm the devil"!
- (laughs) What devil is like "blah, I'm the devil"?
- He's complex.
He's not afraid to show his flaws.
You could get to know a devil like that.
You could have a beer with him.
- Yeah, I don't know, you'd have to constantly be dealing
with his on the rocks relationship
with Saddam Hussein.
I get the hell torture and everything.
I'm fine with that,
but being that close to a toxic relationship for eternity.
I don't know.
- Plus, they clearly still have the rings-of-hell,
fires of hell standard torture going on.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know what I could go for?
Real nice Beetlejuice.
Hm?
- An office where there's paper all over the floor
and a bunch of gruesomely dead people everywhere?
- My God, Dan's right.
That is horrifying.
Just use a filing cabinet.
I mean, there's one right there
or maybe just alphabetize all of the...
No, you know what, you gotta color code
the binders and then alphabetize, no, I can't, I can't.
It's too messy, it's too messy
- I meant the doorway of lost souls.
You see it briefly.
It's all swirly inside.
It's like, well not like a pool,
it's more like a slow tornado.
- You really like swirly hell.
- Oh hell yes!
Think about it.
To swirl for eternity.
Then I'd be happy.
- Well, I've got swirling hell beat.
Right, how about the hell from All Dogs Go To Heaven?
It's like a regular normal hell
with all the molten-lava and stuff
but all of the demons and bone dragons are
dog themed. - Dog themed.
Oh c'mon, you telling me you wouldn't want to be
surrounded by cute little demon dogs and
lava monster puppies forever?
- No, because they're not nice dogs.
They're not good boys.
They pinch you while you sink into lava.
- Plus, I guess if it was dog hell,
everything would be made for dogs.
There would only be dog food, dog-sized beds,
dog stuff, dog shit.
- Plus, if you want a themed hell, you might as well
go with Robot Hell from Futurama.
It's just filled with a bunch of goofy robots.
You could knock out the robot devil
or beat him in a fiddle off.
- Yeah, but still again that hell's not designed for you.
You just have to stand around
with a bunch of boring robot stuff to do.
Robot shit, robot food, beds, houses.
Plus, even if you did knock out the robot devil,
you'd still be in robot hell.
- I know, I got it, the best movie hell ever,
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.
- Excellent.
(guitar riffs)
- We didn't plan that.
- Okay, but that's like a personalized hell right?
Isn't that the worst kind of hell?
One that caters to your fears and your personal dislikes.
- Yeah, but hell is just about reliving
embarrassing or annoying moments from your childhood.
Which in their case was kissing their grandma
and being scared by the Easter bunny.
- And when you're not reliving your childhood memories,
they're just chilling on a floating rock.
- Exactly!
You're either floating on a (beep) rock
or you're reliving some annoying childhood embarrassment.
Easy!
I relive embarrassing moments in my mind all the time.
- I could relive the time I farted
at that monastery for eternity.
- And if you wanna get out of hell,
all you gotta do is beat the Grim Reaper
at a game of Battleship.
You could come and go in hell as you please.
- Best hell ever!
(guitar riffs)
- Here are the truffle fries you ordered.
- Ooh, thank you, but I actually ordered garlic fries.
- We only serve truffle fries,
forever.
(laughing)
- No!
(laughing)
(dramatic music)