Tonight an explosive interview with the Greatest of All Time…
Me!
Piers Morgan ! What?
…and Cristiano Ronaldo!
I feel betrayed.
By Manchester United?
By Manchester United.
And by my agent for persuading me to rejoin them.
Idiot.
I don’t respect Erik Ten Ball-Bag.
How can I?
The guy dropped CR7 for Marcus Rashford.
Are we trying to score goals here or get Free School Meals for the Manchester United Under-12s?
Since Sir Alex left, I see no evolution with the club.
We still have Phil Jones for feck’s sake.
Murgh?
Siu!
NO!!!!!!!!!
Cristiano, good evening Good evening, Piers
Good ebening CUT!
Cristiano, good evening Good evening, Piers
Can you just confirm that you asked me for this interview
That is correct #humbled.
And can you confirm that we are best friends forever?
No.
I don’t have any friends.
Ha, he’s such a joker.
And can you confirm that I have never been caught hacking your voicemails?
Well, I hope that is correct.
That is correct.
And as your best friend forever…
…may I suggest changing your voicemail passcode from 7777 to something less easy to guess.
Erm…
Don’t worry. I can do it.
So, let’s get bitching!
So United are trying to force you out?
Yes, not only the coach, Primark Pep, but the other two or three guys around the club.
And that fat b*stard Wayne Rooney by the sounds of it.
You think they’re trying to get rid of you?
Yes.
I feel that some people don’t want me here.
Not only this year but last year too.
Who?
I won’t name names.
Okay.
Bruno Fernandes.
Bruno Fernandes?
Why?
Probably because I was stealing all his penalties, the stat-padding little beatch.
And then they suck Ole.
Sorry, who sucked Ole?
Gary Neville?
My money’s on Gary Neville.
Not suck - suck!
You know?
Sucked in the morning.
You’re getting sucked in the morning.
Oh they sacked Ole!
Yes, that’s what I said tubby Can we cut that bit just after I said Gary
Neville?
Think of the retweets.
They bring Sporting Director, Ralf Rangnick which is something nobody understands.
This guy is not even a coach.
I’d never even heard of him, Piers.
Like the first time I met you.
Haha.
That’s just banter between best friends.
How was he going to be the coach of Man United?
It was almost as bad as the time Real Madrid hired Rafa Benitez, and that’s a fact.
So why did you re-sign for Manchester Utd?
I followed my heart.
And because United agreed to pay me £500k per week.
Haha.
What do you make of Harry Maguire being club captain?
Embarrassing.
It’s like making Gary Glitter captain of the Under 18s.
“My name is Harry Maguire.
Inspirational club captain” He sounds ridiculous and he looks ridiculous.
His head is so big, when I saw him for the first time, I thought he was the club mascot.
Ha.
You’re so funny Cristiano.
That’s why I’m proud to call you best friend.
So what do you make of the transfer strategy at Manchester United?
Clueless.
I said go sign me a world-class winger - they bought Jadon Sancho.
I said go sign me “that” little Argentinian - they bought Lisandro Martinez!
I said go sign me a world-class winger that can run rings around defenders
- they bought Antony who can only run rings around himself!
As I said, clueless!!!
Come on Cristiano - it’s time to go Daddy?
You’re doing some serious damage to Manchester Utd here
Says the man who recommended David Moyes…
If you don’t come with me son…
…I’m ringing Roy Keane…
Let’s go…
So there you have it!
Another explosive interview on Piers Morgan Uncensored.
Goodnight!
I know why this show was called Piers Morgan Uncensored.
Wayne Rooney?
Because there were two massive cocks on screen and they weren’t blurred out once.
That better not make the edit…
Sewy!
Where’s Ronaldo?
He left.
Pained screams WHERE IS HE MAN?
No bro!!!