You know, I'm
hesitant to tell you
that there's things in my transition
that are very scary to me.
And that that may be
how I feel about my transition today
might not be the way
I feel about it tomorrow.
And
I'm hesitant to tell you when I'm scared.
And sometimes it might be
scared to tell you something.
If all of our past
conversations were recorded,
which one would you most want to revisit
and listen to and why?
-listen to again and why?
Jeez.
We talk like every day.
We have so many conversations
there's a lot to pick from,
but the only one
that's like
coming to my head right now is
probably a conversation
we had before we started dating.
Like officially. When you kind of
you didn't kind of you like
came out to me
about your transition,
and I was really caught off guard.
Like, I didn't expect you to come to me
about that, like out of everybody else.
So it was a
I feel like it was a defining moment
for our relationship, you know, kind of
that conversation
took it to the next level
because I felt like
you were being vulnerable
with me for the first time.
And we had already known each other
for like seven years.
Yeah,
I felt pretty safe telling you that.
Yeah.
It felt like the first real conversation
we ever. - Oh, damn.
I know that's kind of crazy, but
I don't think you've ever
been that vulnerable with me.
Oh, wow.
What have you always wanted to tell me
but never could?
I tell you like, pretty much everything.
Yeah, like, I like everything.
Honestly? - Honestly. - Probably too much.
What I need to know, basically.
Sometimes I don't need
to know everything.
Sometimes you
just keep one or two things.
It's just that comes up.
Um,
recently,
I have been feeling very- like
feeling a pull towards top surgery
a little bit.
Um, but I'm like, you know, I'm
a pretty indecisive person,
so, like, apart from these things.
No, you're pretty decisive about the tattoos.
Yes.
I mean, you're-
I mean, quite a bit.
But... - You're committed.
Uh, so, like,
sometimes I don't like
telling you things,
'cause I feel like, I'm
going to bring you on, like, a
up and down journey of, like,
will they, won't they?
Like, with
career stuff, like
going back to school or whatever.
Like, I'm always just, like,
bringing you on like, a little, like.
I know, and I'm excited.
And then we don't talk about it.
So I think I want to talk to you
about that in some ways,
but I also
I don't know,
like, I don't
I haven't fully formed my...
- Right. - Relationship, an idea to it,
so I don't want to bring you into it.
- Right, okay. Well, good.
Because I, you know, I'm always here for,
I know,
I mean,
you don't
I mean,
you can just bring it up
and then have me as a sounding board
because you know I'll tell you how I feel.
Yeah.
You know?
Does it make a difference.
To you if I am your son or your daughter?
No,
absolutely not.
You becoming trans was very difficult.
Um,
because it's a complete
change of everything.
You know, your name... to me is you.
The child
becomes a different child completely
at first.
And it took me about a year
or two to get over it.
Where do you think I may fail you?
Why are you smirking? - Because I think- I'm not smirking.
Because I think I know the answer.
Where do you think I may fail you, Cat?
Well, we've had recent
conversations, heated conversations
about things, and sometimes
we're on different pages
or different levels
or being patient, being impatient
with different things.
You know, like,
I think we both have fear
about being in limbo
with different things
and
and if things are going to be
the way they are
and just stay that way,
then I think we need to be okay with that.
What you mean about my transition?
Yeah, like about your transition.
So what- what do you think?
Where do you think- I want to hear
Where do you think I'm going to fail you?
I want to hear it.
I don't think you're going to fail me.
I think I. I have
expectations according
to my past relationships.
Like you said that recently
about your past relationships.
When I say
like old tapes, or something,
just the way things played out,
the way people transition,
the way they do things, you know?
And so I have feared
that sometimes
it's not going to happen
or I'm going to get impatient,
but even if it doesn't happen,
I still want to be with you.
And you should know that,
you know, whatever
reasons you have.
I didn't know that.
Thank you for telling me that.
I didn't know that
You know
that failure is no option for me anyway.
So
'Cause you're mover and shaker and a wheeler
and a dealer.
So failure is no option.
There's a lot of things that I could say that
like, oh, I wish
that had been different, but
I'm also
happy that they're not, you know, like,
in the moment, I might have wished, like,
that never happened.
Like, for me, I wish that I was not born
like I was, that
I wasn't born the way that I was born.
Like, I wish I was born a cis girl.
That's a good thing to
know. - I wish I was just
born.
That's a good thing
to know.
I wish I was just born like
a regular girl.
But- - A girl. - Yeah.
You're a girl.
I am a girl. - Okay, so...
I just wish I was born that way. - Okay.
And I just like
I feel like a lot of things
would be easier, but also,
I think my life would be boring,
like, not to like say, like,
'ugh, cis people have boring lives'
because that's not the truth.
But I just feel like
I wouldn't have...
Like I feel like if I was born
cis or I wasn't transgender,
that I wouldn't
have the same outlook on life.
I wouldn't have a lot of experiences.
I feel like I might be ignorant
and that's like one of my biggest fears.
It's like, I feel like I could be like
I just
I feel like I could be so different
because I wouldn't understand it.
But like, also
there's things about being trans
that are like really hard
that I wish I didn't have to go through.
Like, you know,
I wish I didn't have to pay.
I wish I didn't have to.
Like, I wish people wouldn't ask me,
Have you had surgery this?
Have you this? And like,
is
is your boyfriend gay or like,
is what like,
what kind of guys do you like?
Who likes you and like, what do you have?
And, like,
are your boobs real and like,
is your hair real?
And like,
I feel like my womanhood
is always questioned
and I feel like if I wasn't trans that
I would- that none of that would happen.
But also I am happy
that I'm trans
because like,
everything that is me is me.
And I know that and I feel like
my journey to womanhood
is like different and unique.
And I share it with a large,
beautiful community
of other beautiful trans girls of color.
How do you think our
lives would be different if we never met?
Oh my God.
I mean,
oh,
I mean,
I knew it.
I knew there'd be a question
that would just trigger it.
Like,
I mean, I don't.
I don't know how to even think
about that.
Like, just because, like,
you've been such a crucial part
of my transition,
you know, like,
you've been so deeply a part of it.
Like I said, like, you know,
you hate
when I say
this, but, like,
one of the first things I thought of,
you know, was: 'who would want me?',
you know?
And
I didn't know how I could feel
pretty.
And myself and, you know, someone
to see that in me.
And
but like you,
it was never a question to you.
Like, just you always knew my soul.
You always just knew me.
You know?
And
I know that, like,
a lot of it's also like,
you know, self-image and everything
and learning to love myself.
But like,
you helped me love myself.
You like you pull it out of me.
You showed me that I can be pretty.
You make me feel pretty.
You make me feel sexy.
You make me feel cute.
You make me feel like
I can have power and
if we never met I don't know
like how that
how I would have come to that.
How has our relationship changed you?
How has it changed me?
I feel like cooler.
I'm just like
like my boyfriend is so cool.
I feel like I can just, like, show
you off, kind of.
Should I get a motorcycle? - Yeah!
Motorcycle and a leather jacket.
A leather daddy? - Yeah.
Maybe next year.
That would be super sick.
Um, how has it changed me?
I feel like it's nice to know that
someone, like, loves you.
I'm just.
Yeah,
I feel like a little bit more, like,
what's the word?
Like, cared for.
- Oh. - That's the word.
Which makes a big difference
because I didn't really before.
I felt like, you know,
I was just kind of,
like, more like, oh, nobody likes me.
Like, it's
because I'm trans
and nobody wants to fuck me.
Nobody wants to date me.
I'm just this undesirable thing.
And you kind of, like,
made me not feel that way, which
now that I think about it is, like, huge.
It's, like, really really big.
You're the first relationship
that I've had
since, like, after transitioning,
because with my last relationship,
it was like they were there before,
during, after,
and they just kind of like,
saw the whole thing, which is,
you know, it's great for its own
specific thing like that.
That was
cool for what it is,
but this is like a new thing for me.
You know, feeling wanted is a big deal
because so many things in the world
make trans women feel unwanted.
Um...
yeah,
that's like,
feels good to answer this question.
That was like very satisfying.
Thanks for... thanks for choosing me back.
Thanks for dating me back.